Song Change

Edwin McCain. Solitude.

We have a small town just west of here that we go to from time to time. Its a long stretch of road that sometimes gives you the sense of being lonely. There a re a few houses here and there but they all seem so lifeless. Especially in the winter time.

Along this road, there is this chimney. Yes, just a chimney. It stands proud in the middle of nothing but weeds and grass. It always catches my eye. Somehow, it gives off that "solitude" vibe to me and it made me think of this song.

Enjoy...

Need to read

I need some new reading material. As far as I know, JD Glass, Kim Baldwin and Xenia Alexiou, and Radclyffe haven't put out anything new and they are my faves. I did hear that Joan Jett has a book out and Cherie Curry revamped Neon Angels. I have the original Neon Angels somewhere. Has anyone read the new version?

Updates on my brother are minimal. You would think that these highly paid, well educated doctors would have been able to figure out what is wrong by now. But the news was good. He is getting better a little more each day. And I have been praying that he will come out of this with a new, positive outlook and never go back to his old ways.

I have to believe he will. I really don't want to lose my best friend to drugs. I've already lost too many already.

Permanent Vacation

Well, I'm back from my trip to grandma's house. It was great. I helped them plant everything from roses to bell peppers and installed some fans and light fixtures. We went fishing and caught some trout and I treated them out for dinner on my step-grandfathers birthday. I really enjoyed my time there.

I didn't get to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam but I did get to see and go fishing with my Aunt Sherry. We didn't get to have a huge cookout like we planned but its okay. I plan on going back up as soon as I can.

I really didn't want to come home. Eleven days just wasn't enough time. But J really wanted me to come back...

While I was away, my brother got pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a few days then released only to have to go back to the hospital two days later. He's still there now but things are looking better for him. Mom says that he has been showing improvement every day. Thanks, Starr, for checking up on him for me. I owe you one or two or three...I lost count.

My time away ended up being just what I needed to get through all the crap in my head. Unfortunately, I'm still a little unclear on what my future will be. I really needed more time but I hate to hear the sound of tears - it crushes me - so when J asked if she could come up and get me, I gave in. Now I think I should have stood my ground and said no.

I think that maybe the problem isn't so much with J and I. I think its more about this house and the others that live in it. Sadly, as soon as I walked back in the door from my trip, I was instantly angry and full of hate. Its really not like me to be that way but it is out of my control any more. The people I live with just seem to bring out the worst in me.

Oh well...

I'm plan-less at the moment. I have two commissioned art projects to work on and a new song in the works. Other than that...I'll be attempting to keep my temper and sanity in check until I can get out of this place permanently.

Yeah...in desperate need of a permanent vacation. Hmph.

Future

Slowly...I'm getting ready for my trip. Sadly...I won't be able to bring my iMac.

But that's okay. I will be spending most of my time fishing anyway. Grandma loves to fish. I figure that by the time I get back, I won't want to see another fish for at least a year or two.

And the plan is...

Grandma is getting up there in age. I know of a million things that she loves to do but doesn't get to do them much anymore. Her husband (although he is younger than her) doesn't get around so easy anymore. He fell off one roof too many back when he was a carpenter. I figure...leave him at home to watch his game shows and me and Gramms will hit all the thrift stores and flea markets we can find. Maybe catch a movie or two. Eat at Red Lobster. Find a bowling alley. Start a garden. If I'm lucky, I'll get to climb a few trees and trim them up with the chainsaw. I plan on over filling their cabinets with plenty of good-for-you foods. Maybe even implanting some of my most positive thinking deep in their psyche.

Things I hope for...

A huge cook out with the half of my family that is close enough to visit. Aunt Sherry and her Doug, Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam, and hopefully cousin Justin and his Mitchell. Maybe even my cousin Jim and his huge family. If that happens, then possibly a huge game of CLR where I can lose all my quarters to my Aunt Sherry or Grandma. Maybe a pool tournament where I can lose more quarters. Possibly some darts where...well, you get the picture. And in all the quiet times, I plan on talking with my grandmother and learning all I can about what it was like for her to grow up poor in a huge family. I believe a book about her life would be amazing and even if I only let my family read it, I think it would be something she will be proud of until the day she passes on to the other side. And besides...I really want to know about her life. Our elders are walking encyclopedias of history. History that they lived and we will never be able to truly experience unless its put down in words for our futures.

All in all, I'm really looking forward to this trip. I'm looking forward to cleaning out my thoughts and getting back to whats important to me...even if I'm not sure what that is anymore. I think I need the head-space to breathe again. I just hope that J understands.

Past repeats

I've been commissioned to do a four generation portrait. Cool, huh.

As I mentioned before, I'll be heading to Tennessee this week. I'm looking forward to getting in some good family time. Yeah, I've missed my grandma. So...I was cleaning out my backpack so I can take my art supplies with me and I stumbled across an old journal that I hadn't written in since 2003.

If I remember correctly, its a journal that J had given me in the first year of our relationship. Yes, the majority of what is written in it is to her. And as I read over it all, it scared the shit out of me. I wrote some pretty intense stuff. What scared me the most - I know exactly what I was going through when I wrote that stuff. Its the same thing that I'm going through now, except now its intensified by ten-fold.

If I survived it then I should be able to survive it now. Shouldn't I?

That kind

I love you...words that you cannot take back.

But what happens when the words no longer portray what you feel? Is it still love? That kind of love?

Wasted.......

And so it goes...

I hope...HOPE...this heat is here to stay for a while. I sat in the sun for a few hours today to try and thaw my bones. I'm close to being unfrozen. Close.

I'm planning a trip. I'm going to be heading to Tennessee for a few weeks. I figure that its about time I go spend some time with my grandmother. She only lives three hours away and I have only been up there to visit twice. I know, I'm pathetic. I have been doing absolutely nothing for a year and a half and I couldn't make more time to visit with my grandmother. Hmph. I plan on making it up to her. Hopefully she can still do some of the things we used to do when we lived in Florida. Fishing and bowling were always high up on her list of fun things to do. Maybe I will take her to a movie.

I've asked J to stay home. My head has been feeling all wrong and I really need the space to get grounded and back on the right track. She isn't liking my request for space but I honestly need it. I'm afraid that if I don't take the time now, I will make myself worse. And my insight to that probability would mean the end to us. I know she doesn't want that. Sadly, I'm at that place where I just don't know anymore.

So be it....