A little truth

I think I've finally gotten rid of my hangover. Finally. Now I remember why I hate drinking.

My friends over at the CLC have been doing their best to make me feel God-awful guilty about leaving them. There is more than a few reasons I left Florida and they know this but I guess an explanation is in order so anyone else can understand.

It is true...stress can kill. And my philosophy is when things are no longer easy, its time to find something new. Running a business from a cell phone that never -NEVER - stops ringing, ridiculous time restraints, traffic jams, and chasing money got to me. Things started to crumble and inside I was a wreck.

Its funny...when I was going through all that shit, my family and friends (not the CLC girls) still called me and unloaded all their problems. And the entire time, I was on the verge of a rageful relapse into the darkness I used to call life. And when I tried to explain, "Hey, you really think you have fucking problems? I've got overhead that weighs more than the world and a partner who has given up," they didn't seem to care.

Hell, I know I could have saved it all but I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt sick all the time and so tired but I could never sleep. My head was endless chatter of what needs to be done and what I really wanted to do. And in the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do...get out.

My family was driving me nuts, unloading all kinds of responsibilities on me that were never mine. My brother's drug problem, my mom's money situation, and my dad's absence all of a sudden became, "You have to do something, B." My nieces well being all of a sudden became, "They need a better home life...do something." And certain friends became my responsibility too. Those two in the morning phone calls like I was a suicide hot line became, "B, I'm in my truck and I'm driving straight for the wall at full speed and I know you can save me. Only you know what to say, do, think...and you will save me."

But I'm nobodies savior really. I couldn't deal. And the solutions I came up with, nobody listened to anyway. "Baker Act the fuck up." Or, "Tell your husband to stop wasting the money and to get a real job since he fucking pissed away your retirement on shit that he didn't want or need." And my nieces, God bless those beautiful little girls, "Leave him. Get a job. They are your kids too. Only you can make their life any better." And, "Stop fucking around with straight chicks! Dyke up already. You know they only break your heart."

And the end results. He is still an addict and a loser. He quit his job and now sits on the computer all day, jacking off to porn. (This one has partially worked out.) She got a job and left him but moved those girls into a house full of old drunk, drugged out sorry excuses for women. And she is still dating straight chicks and getting her heart broken. Its nil.

So I left and they chased me down through my phone. I shut off the phone and they chased me down on the computer. So I stopped checking my email. It is about time they all learned to live without me to step on, run to, expect a miracle from. It was all too much to ask for. I had a life, a house, a business, vehicles, a great relationship, and I let all that stress and pressure almost kill me. I walked out and away with the only thing I could salvage...my girl (and I almost lost that too.)

I'm finally back to good and there is no way in hell that I'm chancing what I have now. This is MY life now and I'm not going to show any of you how to live yours anymore. Live and learn...that's how everyone else does it. I know it all sounds selfish but dammit! I lived with all their shit all my fucking life. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy and to live without their problems.

(Dimes, baby. I love you and really this rant has nothing to do with what you said (its Starr). I love you and miss you like mad too. But really, guys...am I not better now? You really don't want me to go back to being the way I was before I left, do you? Starr...ease up on the guilt shit, please. I need to do this for me. For me and J. She is everything to me and you know that. You know where I'm at and you know that whenever you want you can jump on a plane and be here in less than three hours. You have the means to do that and I know you could bring all the girls if you wanted to. I miss you guys but I don't miss the life and I can't go back now. Ease up on the guilt and show me some understanding, please. And you are making me say it...or else.)

In the Starr's

My horoscope for the week:

Sagittarius, you're usually the most optimistic person on the block, but when the Moon in your sector of daily activities squares your ruler, Jupiter, on Tuesday, you'll be uncharacteristically downbeat and cynical. You'll begin to look at life with a jaundiced eye as you realize that serious issues are part and parcel of your daily journey. On Friday wise Mercury enters your zone of hopes and wishes and you'll look for the rainbow behind every cloud again. You'll count all your blessings as your ability to put a positive spin on your life returns.

That is me, always looking for that damn rainbow. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to Friday. Ha! (Not really though. Starr will be leaving me then :( and I don't want her to go.)

She summed up our weekend but just a hint on how drunk she was...we were there Saturday and Sunday night. I think she is still drunk. And bikers are so much fun to party with. Funny, I can't remember the name of the bar either. Everything is fuzzy. So fuzzy that if Starr hadn't mentioned it, I might have been thinking that it was just a figment of my imagination.

I slept great last night. I always sleep better when I can hold somebody and last night, I had J on one side and Starr on the other. Heaven. Starr was so warm and J is always cold (there's an entry somewhere about her cold feet and hands). So if I got too cold holding J, all I had to do was warm up to Starr. It was perfect. And J is still sleeping. I think Starr is trying to find coffee somewhere.

Dimes and Candy...those mornings you woke up with me were our secrets. You told Starr! Just kidding. I wish you grrls were here. All of you. Just so you grrls know, Octoberfest is on until the first week of November. You all should come up here for me and J's anniversary (October 30th). *hint hint*

And there is a chance you will get to see Sim*** Psy****** back together again and live! We are still working out the details.

About my minor meltdown...I don't wanna talk about it...hmph!

CLC message

Starr's phone doesn't get signal up here and I cannot find mine so...

CLC...Starr is here and safe and updates will be coming soon...

Until then...

Speed and the psycho dikes

When I sold out of my last business, I immediately threw away my cell phone. I hated that thing. It would ring all the damn time and it drove me up the wall.

Don't get me wrong, I loved to hear from my friends and family. It wasn't them that I didn't want to hear from anymore. It was the people that were associated with the business. I kid you not. One night around two in the morning, while J and I were uh...busy, the phone rang. Of course I ignored it. But the person wasn't giving up. On the third time they called, I answered with obvious anger in my voice. One of the guys I did business with was on the other end, drunk out of his mind. He said he dialed the wrong number but then proceeding to ask me if I would like to be his company for the night. WTF! Right?

So, yeah, I was more than happy to toss that damn phone as soon as I was no longer associated with the business.

Well, Mom wasn't too happy about this. She hated not being able to talk to me whenever she wanted. So when I was down there last month, she got me another one.

No problem. Except I keep forgetting that I have one and I leave it at home most of the time. Besides, there is only a special select few that I actually gave the number to. And Starr is one of them.

Last night, after I posted that bit on the weather changing, I got a phone call. It was CLC night and all the girls were hanging out together. They had me on speaker phone and each of them got on to me about that little bit I added at the end of my post. The part about moving to Alaska.

I'd be lying if I said that J and I haven't seriously considered it. I've never been there but from the pictures Mel has sent me, the place is breathtakingly beautiful. And like I said, we could spend the winters in Hawaii with my cousin. It sounds perfect but...

"Hell no!" Starr practically yelled in the phone.
"That's right, Speed. Don't you even think of it," Walker added.
"I'll fly up there and beat the shit out of you right now," Bruiser threw in.
I could hear the rest of the girls protesting in the background too.
"What are you guys talking about?" I had to ask because I was really clueless.
"I just got your update on my phone. You cannot move to Alaska." Starr sounded like my mom for a second. "Since you left, we hardly get to see you. If you move to Alaska, we will never see you."
"Guys," I tried to explain. But they didn't want to hear it.
"Speed," Candy spoke, "my sister from another mother. And father for that matter. But that's beside the point. I love you. We love you. You already left us and are now 717 miles away. If you move to Alaska, you will be like 10,000 miles away. I couldn't handle that. I'm already suffering from separation anxiety with you being in Georgia. If you moved to Alaska, I would go out of my mind."

They are the greatest friends.

Peace grabbed the phone and took me off speaker. "I wonder what the waves are like in Alaska. Wait. No I don't. Please tell me that you really aren't going to move there."

"Nah, hun. I have no intentions on moving to Alaska anytime soon. But I really am going there next summer for that wedding." There was a certain sadness in her voice and it kind of made me feel horrible and horribly loved all at the same time.
"But, Speed. What if you go there and you do fall in love with the place and then next thing we know, we get a post card from you saying that you are never coming back to the east side and, well...who will I call when Walker pisses me off and Starr won't listen and you are too busy snowboarding Mt. McKinley and won't answer your damn phone again? How will I complain to you about Candy doing those crazy ass stunts on her bike that you two used to do together and she scares the shit out of me? Or," and her voice got softer, "who will sing to me when I've had one of those days where the paint just isn't right on the canvas and the rain won't fall? It won't be you because you will be in like a different time zone and living it up in some untouched landscape and forgetting all about us. The people who love you to death."

You would really have to know us to know exactly why I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.
"Aikona, baby," I said as I caught my breath. "Not gonna happen. But if it did, what makes you think that I wouldn't invite all of you to come up for an extended visit? And then when you got there, you all fell in love with the place and decided that you no longer needed anything you had in Florida and you moved into my garage and we spent everyday of the summer chasing bears on the four wheelers and everyday of the winter snowboarding and skiing and building really cool snowboarding parks all over the place. And you'd paint all those untouched landscapes and sell them for millions and Candy wouldn't ride her bike anymore because she would be having too much fun off-roading and Walker wouldn't piss you off because she would be chasing the Eskimo chicks around and Starr would be more relaxed than she had ever been in her entire life and Bruiser would become a bear wrestler and Dimes and Lani would be making very beautiful babies for us all to fall in love with. What if?"

Peace took a second, I guess she was contemplating. "That actually sounds really cool. Except for the part about Bruiser and the bears."

Dimes somehow got the phone from Peace. "These chicks are crazy if they actually think that you would move that far away from us."

I laughed. "Right."

"Besides, don't they know that there is way too many men up there and definitely not enough women. I think its like 7 men to every woman. What lesbian would ever want to live there?"

I had to laugh even harder. Leave it to Dimes to think of it that way.

So, to ease all of you crazy dikes minds, I'll be in Georgia. At least until next summer. And then we can talk about it. Love you girls!

Done with home

I think I'll sum up the rest of my Florida trip tonight.

Mom was looking much better than the last time I saw her. She looked a little thinner but not unhealthy. It pained me to find out she was taking medications for her nerves and to sleep. But, staying at her house with her husband and my brother, I understand why she has to take them.

When my brother got out of jail and came back to her house, the entire vibe of the house changed. For some reason, it seems our step father has some kind of deep hate for my brother. I don't really get it but I never realized how bad it was until I was living with it. Honestly, I'm surprised my mom's not an alcoholic.

Anyhow, I was glad to be there. I now know what my brother has been trying to tell me for the last year. Step dad isn't the "great guy" he tried to trick us all into believing he was.

So me and my brother tried to keep Mom out of the house and away from his negative rampages. We took her to Border's and relaxed. We went shopping with her at the mall. We spent time with just her and it seemed to make her more at ease.

Sadly, I fear for my Mom's life. It feels kind of silly typing that out but I have to say it somewhere. The scary part is that my brother feels the same way. When I found that out, I had to say something to Mom. I think it upset her that we felt that way. She explained that she wasn't upset with me and Bud, but that she was upset that her husband made us feel that way. But then she said that she is in no way afraid of her husband. I have to just trust that for now. But I made my brother promise that if he ever saw step dad get crazy that he would make Mom leave. Fuck the house and the cars, her life is much more important.

Dad has proved that...well, he really isn't much of a dad. I was finally able to get him to hang out with us one night. We (me, Bud, KC and her husband) met up with him at a bar that he usually plays darts at. He was cool, bought us all drinks, and then kicked in with telling us all about the things that he's been doing with his new family. Usually, I don't mind listening, but watching my brothers face fill with pain sucked. It felt like Dad was rubbing it all in my bro's face. All the things that my brother wanted to do with Dad and Dad never showed up for, Dad is now doing with his youngest two kids. Simple things like fishing, camping, sports and such. I was waiting for my brother to explode on our dad. It must have taken Bud a lot of will power to keep from shoving Dad's cell phone down his throat.

Anyway, I wanted to see my step mom and two younger siblings before I left Florida. Since I was unable to drive (surgery) I told Dad to just come and pick me up one weekend or something. Well, it came down to the last night I was in town and I called. He said he'd pick me up. I waited, and waited, and waited...like usual. I was shocked when he finally did call (he usually just doesn't show and calls a few weeks later). Same old excuses and I pretty much said whatever. Typical Dad.

So I didn't get to see my youngest brother and sister. I didn't get to see my other sister either but that was because she lived three hours north of where I was and wasn't able to take a day off of work. I didn't bother trying to see my aunt and uncle (for reasons I won't bother to explain.)

But like I said before...I got to see and hang out with the people that count.
Mom
Bro
My nieces
KC
BM
My God-daughter and her brother
And the girls from the CLC!
I love all of you and miss you like mad.

6 points to A1A

I met Starr first. And then, slowly, the rest of the Crazy Lesbian Circus gals appeared. They came to be some of the best friends I've ever had. And they really know how to have fun!



The plan was to head out to five points and then maybe hit up a few places on Las Olas. But...we had to get out of Starr's house first.



A thing or two about Starr. She is drop dead gorgeous. Amazing on the inside. And filthy rich...or as she would say, "living comfortable." She is a writer. Not just books, but articles for papers and she even wrote some of that TV show stuff. She's smart, beautiful. The total package.



Starr's house is like a huge grown-ups playground. You can play any of the game systems on a screen that is like 10 feet tall and 15 feet wide. She has a room full of musical equipment that she hardly knows how to play. There are secret doors and slides and a huge room full of really big pillows. (The best pillow fighting arena in the world.) Surfing out her back door and even a quarter pipe for all your skateboarding/rollerblading/bicycling needs. Its crazy. She even has her own bar. Like a real dance club in her house. So why go anywhere else?



Eye candy. Five points is crawling with it. Its kind of in the center of Broward County's gayest city. We call it five points but the city does have a name. I'll make you look it up. There are a few lesbian bars, good eats, and, like I already said, eye candy. (I swear I didn't look at a single girl J.)

Finally convinced that we really needed to leave Starr's place, we headed to five points. A quick bite at Rosie's and we headed across the street. Packed, shoulder to shoulder, we finally made our way to the bar. Totally standing room only. By a quick nodded agreement, we left. Crutches in a packed bar = not too easy.

We checked a few of the other places we used to hang out. Not as packed but not as full either. Next stop, Las Olas. By this point, my shoulders were burning from walking with the crutches so Bruiser, being the gentleman she is, gave me a piggyback ride. Yes...I said piggyback. Candy and Ash carried my crutches and alternately took turns jabbing me and Bruiser in the ass with them.

We finally found a hopping place that wasn't overflowing and staked claim on a table near the front. Most of the Circus girls were doing shots as I told them about the ATV track I was thinking about building. Me, Candy, and Ash were doing shots of Red Bull just for laughs.

Leave it to Bruiser to spot a damsel in distress while we are out having a good time. One thing led to another and we were all outside stopping some guy from slapping his girl around. Turned out, the guy had a lot of friends. Ten of us and fifteen or so of them and their bitchy girlfriends. Lucky for them, the cops showed up just in time. (You'd have to know Bruiser to understand why I said lucky for THEM...lol.) Lucky for us though...I knew one of the officers. The officer was married to a long-time family friend. So he let us go.

We headed to the strip and my piggyback ride was attracting attention. Tourists with their camera's...sheeesh! I'm pretty sure some weirdo will post a picture of my ass in their "Our trip to Ft. Lauderdale" photo album. Hell, it might have even been in the newspaper...lol. I can see the headline now: Girl With Broken Leg Gets Carried Down Ft. Lauderdale Strip By An Insanely Muscular Butch Woman. Insanely might be pushing but...I love you Bruiser.

After a few more drinks here and there, we ended up on the wall watching the bobbing lights of the cargo ships as they entered and exited the port. I listened as each of the girls told me why I needed to move back to Florida. As convincing and logical as all their reasons were, I had to shoot them down. At least for a little while. I stressed the fact that I really needed the stress free living right now and they finally let it be.

Memories to note:
Candy trying to break dance with my crutches.
Bruiser shaking her ass on the dance floor.
Starr's stalker.
Dimes and Lani's kiss that earned them twenty-six bucks from the college guys that wouldn't stop drooling.
Peace trying to sweet talk the cops before she figured out they were letting us go.
And Walker's 'never ending story' rendition of why she refuses to get into another relationship and the way she moved when we dropped the ice down the back of her shirt. (I swear it was Candy's idea.)

My applause ladies.

By the end of the night...or maybe it was early morning...me, Candy, and Ash were bouncing off the walls while the rest of the crew was holding them up. I swear I will never touch another Red Bull as long as I live. It's worse than the diesel fuel coffee that they sell in truck stops.

Thanks guys!

Beach Party

It wouldn't be a great trip to Florida without hanging out with my Circus Gals.

Okay...there were several reasons and many people that made it a good trip but, according to the CLC, they are the only ones that count.


First, I must set the scene. Without revealing Starr's identity and address I can only tell you that she has an amazing house right on the ocean, north of the lighthouse. Private beach, lots of alcoholic beverages, crazy surfing on ripples, and a live band that happened to be the band Lani (Dimes' girl) drums for.

Starr kidnapped me. Picture a mob kidnapping with a blindfold and all. She must have rode around in circles to try to throw me off but I knew we'd be going to her place. Its true, she can't hide anything from me. Besides, its not a party if it isn't at her place.

I'd be lying if I said that I lingered in the house to say hello to all the faces that I haven't seen in a few months. Hell no. I went straight out the back door to the ocean. Starr definitely has one of the best slices of the beach anyone could ever hope to own. At least on the East side. I was tempted again to dive right in but I had forgotten my cast protector thing and, well, Walker was half dragging me back inside.

After about three dozen hugs and hello's, the band started in. Fucking amazing! And Lani is totally Animal on that set. I completely understand how she landed the unlandable Dimes. Anyway...I figured out that dancing on crutches kills your shoulders and that I suck at it. But it was still mad fun and I think I danced with everyone. I think.

I stayed away from the alcohol. Starr, being the coolest friend anyone could buy (inside joke), stayed sober with me (Candy and Ash were sober too). It wasn't long before the party moved to the beach. The boards came out and the half-assed surfing started. It was like a comedy fest. I don't think a single person stood for a wave (ripple) but it was hilarious watching them try.

Okay...it was about that time that I started really missing J. Thank the Goddess I wasn't drinking because I might have been a mess. And like she knew I was missing her pretty bad, J called. We got that connection. After my not-so-short but very sweet phone call, the sun had gone down and we moved to the fire pit. That quickly turned into a marshmallow fight that I completely lost since everyone was aiming for me, except me. Oh, and they weren't throwing the big marshmallows since those were for charring. Nope, they were throwing mini's. Mini's that, when I got home, I found in my hair, down my shirt, in my pockets, and one was in my shoe. (Thanks ladies.) It came close to turning into a fire breathing contest when someone found a bottle of 151.

It was a great time as usual. And it ended with a speed filled spin on the back of Candy's bike.
Thanks again, Starr and my fellow clowns from the Crazy Lesbian Circus. And don't worry, I'll write about our night at five points later...lol.

Learning

Things I've learned since I've been back in Ft. Lauderdale...

I have the greatest friends and Mom and Step-dad in the world!
Foot surgery...sucks.
Passing out in front of your mom and having her try to catch you before your head smacks the concrete and her failing because you out weigh her and she breaks her fingernail off in your arm is quite painful.
Never go to the courthouse if you are on crutches because its pretty much guaranteed that you will have to walk about three miles to get to the room you need to be in and the crutches will give you blood blisters on each hand and make you feel like you have the shoulders of a football player.
No matter what the mood is of the people that surround me, its a given that I will make them laugh somehow and that will change their mood for the rest of the day for the better.
Taking a shower with your right leg in a cast is NOT easy! (Unless you are a ballerina...lol...which I'm not.)
Its nearly impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep with ten pillows under your heavy, casted leg and your toes keep going numb.
It is totally impossible to have a great morning stretch with a cast and god-only-knows-how-many stitches under that cast. (You wake up real fast!)

I am such an independent person. Mom knows this and is always the first to point it out to me. So this cast thing is driving me nuts. I can't go in the kitchen and fend for myself because, with the crutches, I can't carry anything. Moving around the house is getting a bit easier. Mom has been pretty inventive and has came up with a few good ideas to help me out when I'm at the house by myself. My favorite so far is her filling up water bottles with super sweet crack tea and leaving them in the fridge. I can easily stuff a bottle in my pocket and take it around with me where ever I go. Two thumbs up on that one because I was getting tired of drinking water.

In other news...my incarcerated brother got sprung yesterday. We went to his bond hearing. Man, the state attorney was hell bent on getting any possible money she could out of us to get him out. It was a surprise to all of us when my bro's attorney called my mom up as a witness or something. Mom handled it like a pro and the judge let my bro go without us having to pay a dime. Mom rocks...I just hope my brother starts to appreciate her for all she has done for us.

I had a talk with him last night. He made all kinds of promises that I've heard from his mouth at least a million times. I can only pray that he means them this time. I did point out to him that what he has been doing is slowly killing our mother. I mean, God, she has to take all kinds of medications now...for her nerves, for stress, for sleep. It sucks and I know its because my brother makes her worry so fucking much. I don't know...I'll just keep my fingers crossed that he will change his ways and Mom will get back to good.

My buddy, my pal, KC has been hanging out with me whenever she can. Its really great the way we picked up our friendship like we weren't out of touch for 16 years. I didn't realize how much I missed her friendship until I actually saw her again. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that happen again.

Last but not least...The CLC girls.
Star, Walker, Bruiser, Peace, Dimes, and Candy...you gals are fucking hilarious. Thank you, thank you very much for such a great time last night. It was so great to see Ash and Candy sober. Lani, WELCOME to the circus! Fair warning though...you hurt my girl Dimes and I break your arms...lol. Hey...I think Lani earned a nickname last night...Animal. It suits her.

I absolutely and completely miss J. I swear its like I'm missing a vital organ or something. Kind of like I'm lost in the dark too. Crazy.

Pictures and wild and crazy stories will soon be posted.