Tainted Mistakes

I'm pretty sure that I have been subconsciously putting off the next Back Then entry because this next installment is where I made my first mistake when it comes to Rich. Its where I made the first step in changing my path and altering what I thought my life would be. But...as I said, no regrets. It all happened for a reason.

Back Then...

There were two reasons I was going to the last party of the summer. One was to see Sam and the other, to break up with Rich. God, I was fourteen and heading into my sophomore year. I didn't need a boyfriend. I was trying to get my life back in order. Clean up and start doing better in school. Something, anything but what I was doing. Wasting it.

LG was right on time as I waited at the corner, smoking a cigarette. "I knew you would be here," she grinned.

"Yeah, but its not how you think." I was confident in my words. I had my plan set.

I wasn't going to drink anything that wasn't sealed closed. I wasn't going to take anything that was offered. I was going to walk in, say hello's, and find the two people I wanted to see.
And so far, I was doing good. I was shocked when I ran into LL. She was a girl from my old neighborhood and we had went to middle school together. Feeling safe hanging with her, we talked about music and the old neighborhood for a while.

The old neighborhood brought up all those old feelings for MM. Mostly, it made me miss her to the point of feeling like a hallow shell. And after LL said she had to go, I made my first mistake. I went to the fridge and found something to drink thinking that anything in there was safe. I should have known better.

Sam found me before I found her and I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt or both or what. She pulled me out the back door and I couldn't have stopped her if I wanted to. Whatever I had ingested was just about to kick in and I was feeling good. Real good. And I hated myself for liking the feeling.

"What the hell did you do last night?" she asked. Her face, her lips were just an inch away and I wanted to taste them.
I shook my head because I really didn't know what I had done the night before and I was past the point of caring as I stared at her lips. "I'm not sure," I confessed. "What did I do?"

She cocked her head to the side as she really stared into my eyes. I was feeling dizzy and her eyes were like kaleidoscopes. She took my cup from my hand and downed half of it before she tossed the rest in the dirt. "You should know better, B. Everything in this place is tainted."

"I know but...I was thirsty," I laughed. Not so sure why it was funny but at that moment everything amused me. Even the fact that I was sad.

She kissed me. It was nice and slow and intensified by the drug and I was sure that I was floating in the air or something. I remembered thinking that maybe I had wings but only when I was high because that's when I would let down all my guards and walls and relax and let the past go. Maybe.

"At first," she said as she trailed her fingers down the center of my chest, "I was mad that you said yes to Rich. I was hurt but really I had no right. So I was thinking," and now she was laughing because words were so amusing, "if you stay going out with him, I will see you all the time."

"Can't," I said. I shook my head as far as I could from side to side. "I hate him."

"Well, I hate BG too. They will just be a front so we don't get caught."

I thought about that. Get caught doing what? Oh, kissing. I didn't care about getting caught doing that, I think. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't want people to think that I was a lesbian. Or did I? I was confused and fucked up and this is where I made my second mistake.

"So, I stay going out with Rich and you stay going out with BG and then we can...we can what?" I asked.

Sam's lips were so damn soft and she was such a good kisser and so damn beautiful that it hurt and I think I wanted her a lot more than I ever admitted to myself. She could have conned me into giving her everything I had at that moment. Fucking drugs. Fucking women.

"Then we can hang out together and no one will ever think a thing. And LG, she can hang out with RM and no one will ever think a thing." She kissed me again and I was convinced.

I never once thought that maybe Sam and LG had some kind of conspiracy thing going on. But I should of, even though I would have been wrong. But I might not have agreed if I had thought LG had anything to do with anything I made a decision about. I didn't trust her.

But, I was high and the decision was made. My third mistake...I didn't break up with Rich. I actually hung around with him that night like I actually liked him. I know I shocked a lot of people. I shocked myself, that's for sure. And that was the first step I took in the direction of my life of hell.

Aftermath

Silly, but I just NOW realized how much J had missed me while I was gone. I hadn't realized until this moment that since she picked me up from the airport until right now, we have been together. I mean, she has not left my side. Everywhere she's gone she's taken me with her. Everywhere I've wanted to go, she's gone with me. And when she left earlier to go to her grandmothers, she must have asked me a million times if I was sure I didn't want to go. And then she said, "I don't like it when I'm not with you."

I missed her too and I miss her right now.

Anyway, since I have a little time and its been a while...Back Then...

Now matter how hard I scrubbed that morning, I still felt dirty. The sketchy details of the night before's events were enough to make me puke. I allowed Rich to touch me. I allowed him to kiss me. And what scared me the most was all the details I couldn't remember. The only thing I was sure of was that we didn't have sex.

Two days. Two more days until school started. I just had to avoid everyone for two days. Sounded easy enough. Hmph.

By the time I got out of the shower, Mom was home. I said hello and good morning but went straight to my room. I pulled on some sweats and a tank, opened up my sketch book, and pulled on my headphones. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I'm a huge Joan Jett fan. So I turned Joan up as loud as I could and tried like hell to block out the rest of the world.

Sometime around my fifth or so drawing and my third Joan tape, Mom came in my room and lifted my headphones from my ears.
"I guess you had some friends over last night," she grinned.
"A few. But no one was inside, I promise. Well, except for LG but that was only for five minutes," I explained. "How did you know?"

She took my sketch book and flipped through the pages. "The trash can was full of alcoholic containers. No one left here drunk, did they?"

"No. No one left until early this morning."

"Were you drinking?" she asked.

It wasn't a lie. "No, I wasn't." I knew I didn't drink but I had no idea what I did have in my system.

"Good. I trust you," she smiled. "LG's out front. She says she needs to talk to you." I started to protest but Mom stopped me. "I tried to get her to go away but she says its very important and says she won't leave until you come and talk to her."

I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face. "All right."

I got up and pulled on a T-shirt as I rummaged through my drawer for some socks. Mom sat on the edge of my bed watching me with curiosity.

"What is going on between you and LG? I know you have been trying to stay away from her. Is there something I might be able to help you with?" Her concern made me want to answer.

But that question I couldn't answer truthfully. "It's cool, Ma. Like I said before, I just don't like some of the people she hangs out with. And, well, she's not really a good friend."

Mom stood and walked towards my door. "Do you want me to tell her that I forbid you from hanging out with her?"

"Nah. It will ruin your "cool Mom" reputation," I joked.

Mom laughed and left the room.

I slipped into my Airwalks and grabbed my smokes as I headed for the door.

LG was leaning against the wall behind the door. I was beginning to hate that damn smirk of hers. I lit a smoke and stood next to her. "What is so important?" I asked.

She stood up straight and turned so that she was facing me. I guess she wanted a good view of my face so she knew whether or not she needed to run or take cover. "I was going to head over to RM's later and wanted to know if you were gonna come too."

"Nah. Thanks. What the hell makes you think I would want to go anyway? I can't stand that jerk." I should have known her next words were going to sting when she took a step back.

"Because your boyfriend will be there," she smiled.

I choked on the smoke and dropped my cigarette. "Real funny, LG. I don't have a fucking boyfriend." I looked in her eyes as she kept smiling at me. That smile that meant she knew something I didn't but should. "What the fuck, LG."

"Man, I guess you were more messed up than we thought. Rich asked you out last night and you," I clenched my fists and she took another step back, "you said yes."

"The fuck I did. Bullshit." I got in her face. "This is just another one of those fucking lies you made up so you can hang out with RM. I'm not playing along. If you want to be with RM then break up with KK so you don't have to make up all these fucking stories and lies." I shoved her out of the way and started in the front door.

"If you don't believe me, ask Sam."

I paused for a second. What did she know about Sam?

LG grabbed my shoulder. "What is it with you two anyway? She kept sneaking you off last night."

"Its none of your fucking business," I hissed. It wasn't. And God knows that if LG did know what was going on between me and Sam, everyone in the neighborhood would know. "Leave her out of this."

"Hey," LG put her hands up in surrender, "all I know is that she seemed a little upset after Rich asked you out and you said yes. So yeah, if you don't believe me, ask her."

LG was still talking but I was feeling kind of numb. I walked in the house and slammed the door behind me. I was tempted to try and call Sam but I figured if what LG said was true, then I needed to see her in person. I don't know why I felt that way. Its not like there was anything between us anyway except a few hot make out sessions. She had a horrible boyfriend and I was pretty sure she wasn't going to leave him to be with me. And I was thinking...hmph, like I would ever seriously date a girl.

Teenagers. So little do we actually know sometimes.

Looked like I was going to show up at a party after all.

Party Over

I always keep my promises...
Back Then ~

The rest of the party was fuzz and static. At one point, I remember making out with Sam on the side of my house. I'm pretty sure I didn't instigate it. She pulled me aside and said she had to talk with me about something. Her kind of talking was all soft lips and the sweet taste of her tongue.

The next thing I remember was laying down in the driveway and watching the stars. All the memories of MM rushed over me and I might have cried...I'm not sure. And then...Rich. Rich was kissing me and touching me. I know I told him to stay away from me at some point but I don't think that happen.

There were flashes of faces - LG and RM - smiling at me and laughing with me. There were bits of music that I heard every now and then. And I remember the kisses. But who they were from...I don't remember. I woke up with the early morning sun in my eyes and big arms wrapped around me. Rich.

I sat up and glanced around my yard. I could only imagine how much the neighbors hated me and all my friends. It looked like something out of a war zone...bodies scattered all over the front lawns. Bodies on the hoods and trunks of cars. One thing I can say, no one left the party intoxicated.

LG yawned and stretched a few feet from me. "That was a great party."
My head was hazed and I had to repeat what she said about a million times in my head so I could comprehend it. I knew something was really wrong with everything that had happened but I couldn't figure it out. I picked up a pack of cigarettes that was staring at me from its peculiar spot in the grass. The pack felt cold and wet in my hand as I opened them to find exactly what I was looking for. I put the cigarette up to my lips and lit it, taking a deep drag as I went over what I could remember in my mind. The memory of kissing Sam made me smile but quickly turned into pain. My lip was cut. The blood was dry.

LG grew impatient waiting for me to comment on the party. "B? Did you have fun last night or what?"
When I looked at her, I remembered that I was angry with her. I didn't know why yet but I knew I really didn't want to talk to her.
"I don't remember," I mumbled, flicking my smoke to the road.
I slowly, slowly got to my feet and dug in my pocket for my house key. I didn't say another word to her as I walked around to all the sleeping people and nudged them awake. I needed to get them all gone before my neighbors called the cops on us all. It didn't seem to take too long to clear the yards and I finally went in the house and washed my face.

Most of the nights events came back to me in little pieces as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. And with those events came the anger, the disappointment in myself, the disgust for what I remembered that I did, and tears...lots of tears.

That's when I realized that I needed to change more than myself to be the person I wanted to be. I was going to have to change EVERYTHING.

Party from Hell (pt. 2)

As promised...Back Then...

When I look back, most people would have thought that it was cool - having so many friends and how they always wanted to be around me - but I thought it was, well, annoying and a bit tiring. And honestly, most of them weren't really worthy of being called friends.

LG chased after me as I stalked off to my house. I was going inside for three reasons. One...I wanted to make sure no one was inside. Two...I was thirsty and didn't want to drink the concoction that was being passed around outside. And three...to lock the damn door so no one would go inside. The last thing I wanted was some kind of a bust that could possibly result in my mom being arrested or some shit.

I slammed the door in her face. She was really getting on my nerves. Little by little, I was beginning to realize her game. She hung around people that would make her "cool" and clung to you if you had drugs. That was the only two things she cared about. I checked all the rooms and grabbed my house key. She caught up to me when I went into the kitchen to grab my Gatorade (grape) out of the freezer (it makes a cool slushy).

"What is the deal with you lately?" she asked. She stood with her hands on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently.

I glared at her. I told her several times already that I was trying to stay clean and wasn't liking the people that I had somehow attracted to me. She didn't respect that, even though she swore she did. "I told you already,LG, I'm not into this shit anymore."

"Come on. Its just a few friends." She had this evil smirk on her face.
One thing about LG. You could always tell when she was up to something. She couldn't hide a damn thing.
I pushed open the kitchen window blinds. "A few? A few!" I let them go and stepped closer to her. "LG! There is like fifty people out there. Probably more!"

She shrugged. "What can I say? Everyone loves you."
"Fuck you!" I bumped her shoulder as I passed heading for the front door.
She stood there, looking rather blank, silent.

I figured there was no use fighting it now. Besides, I heard more cars pull up and I was sure things were going to get out of hand if I stayed inside any longer. "Lets go, LG. Before one of those drunk rednecks decides to start a fire in my front yard."

She followed me out and went straight for KK. That pissed me off too. KK knew exactly what I was going through and I thought that he, of all people, should have talked LG out of this plan. I sat on the planter and lit up a smoke. Even if the party was at my house, it didn't mean I had to participate, right? I mean, temptation was everywhere. I could smell the weed, I could see what they were passing. It was absolutely everywhere and I had to prove to myself that I was above it. That I didn't need it. It had to be some kind of a test.

Sam spotted me sitting alone and slowly walked my way. I smiled as I shook my head. She was there with the same piece of shit that treated her so bad.
"Hey," she grinned. "Mind if I sit?"
"Go for it," I told her, indicating the empty space next to me. "I hope one of these days you come to your senses and leave that asshole."
She hung her head and nodded. "He's really not so bad, most of the time."
I reached out and turned her head towards me. "In between punches? Is that when he's not so bad? I bet as soon as he's done beating his love into your beautiful face, he tells you how much he loves you."
Her eyes were wide and she rubbed her hand over the bruise I was talking about. "You don't understand."
"I do understand. I watched my aunt deal with this for years. And she didn't leave until he almost killed her and her son." I smiled at her. "You don't understand that you deserve so much better than that."

After a long silence she finally agreed that she did deserve better but I knew she wouldn't leave that jerk. I knew he had her believing that no one would ever love her. He had her self esteem as low as it would go.

"So where have you been? I looked for you at Mike's last weekend and then at Joe's the next night."
I took the hint that she really didn't want to talk about him anymore, so I went with the change of subject. "Pretty much, I've been here." I looked around the yard, "Trying to stay away from all of this."
"Really?" She sounded surprised. "Why?"
I told her all about how I wanted to change my life and quit the drugs and the people that did them. I explained how I really wanted a new start.
She put her hand over mine. "That is really cool." She started to trace my fingers with one of hers. "Maybe I should think about that too. A new beginning seems like a good idea."

It didn't take long for a fight to break out. Some kid I didn't know had picked a fight with a kid everybody knew. Big mistake. Everyone ended up ganging up on the guy and luckily I was able to get that guy to leave. (Of course I made sure that he wasn't too intoxicated to drive.) When I went back to my seat, LG was there waiting for me. The look on her face should have told me something but my adrenaline was pushing too hard to think clearly. I picked up my Gatorade and downed half the bottle, managing to give myself one of the worst cases of brain freeze I had ever encountered. It left a bitter taste in my mouth but I really didn't think anything of it.

KK walked over and kissed LG. "Hey B," he smiled. "Everything okay?"
I nodded. "As okay as its going to get."
"Well, I gotta go and pick up some stuff." He winked at me and I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Don't bring it back here, please." I was still pissed at him.
"I won't." He kissed LG again. "I'll be back in a few hours."
"Okay, baby," LG said with a huge smile. She knew that it meant she could hang all over RM.

I watched him get in the car and take off while I finished my Gatorade. As soon as he was out of sight, LG went straight over to RM, just like I thought. I closed my eyes for just a moment, rubbing my hands across my face. I was feeling weird. Feeling dizzy. Feeling like the world was slowing to a crawl. I knew what it was...FUCK! LG slipped something into my drink and I was pretty sure in a few short minutes I was going to be flying high as a kite.

I stood to go over and beat the shit out of her but I never made it.

You're bleeding

LG wasn't the kind of person I would normally hang out with. She tried way too hard to be cool. But, like I said, she lived three doors down and we rode the same bus to school and all.

We made it to Mikes party that night. Mike was kind enough to give us a change of clothes. We had to have belts to hold up the jeans he gave us and the T-shirts looked like dresses on us, but we were just happy to have the dry clothing.

Mike's parties weren't stoner parties. They were coke parties and I wasn't ever a big fan of coke. After bumming a cigarette from some stranger, I took a seat on his couch and just watched as everyone bounced off the walls. James showed up about an hour after we did, telling stories about how he got away from the cops at Red's party. I didn't believe a word he said. We were all story tellers.

Acid made its way around the party goers and I took that instead of the coke. Hell, I was up for a good trip. I stumbled back to the back room. There was some chick banging on the drums and some guy making the worst noise I had ever heard on the guitar. Trying to escape the racket, I somehow ended up in the kitchen sitting on the counter against the wall.

LG was on the sofa making out with RM, the local coke dealer. I couldn't stand him, nor his brother, James (the same guy who said that I should go out with him.) They thought too highly of themselves and I hated the way they treated women. Actually, all the guys in the South Side treated women horribly.

It was this summer that I figured out that I was attracted to women. But...I was attracted to guys, too...a little. And I had my eye on BG's girl, Sam. She was absolutely gorgeous. BG was a looker, too. Together, they were the most beautiful couple I had ever seen. But, he treated her like shit. He hit her and had even "pimped" her out to feed his coke addiction. For that, she lost a lot of her appeal. But I still had my eye on her.

Rich was RM's best friend. I didn't like him much...well, I didn't like him at all. He thought he was God's gift to women. Blond hair and blue eyes and a rock solid body that he loved to show off. He was arrogant and self centered, pretending to be a bad boy, but I saw right through him.

He invaded my space by sitting on the counter in front of me. My only route to get away from him was to crawl through the scattered mess on the counter. I was tripping way too hard to pull off such a maneuver. For the longest time, he just sat there and smiled at me with his perfect white teeth, his jaw twitching every now and then. I simply ignored him and focused on the room of people who looked all out of proportion.

He must have starting talking to me, and when I didn't respond, he touched my leg. I jumped and smacked his hand away from me.
"Hey! Easy. I just wanted to know how you liked the party so far." He held both his hands up where I could see them and they looked fuzzy, like they had fur all over them.
I shook my head to try to get better focus and the fur melted away. "Its alright. But don't, I mean DON"T touch me."
He nodded his head. "Got it."

Sam walked by and caught my eye as Rich rambled on and on about something. I watched her walk up to BG, who was on the sofa beside LG and RM, making out with some other girl. I remember thinking how could she stay with a guy like that? She said something to him and he stood up and back handed her across the face.

Fuck maneuvering through the mess, I knocked it all over the place as I pushed through it. She was on her knees, crying, and he kicked her. I jumped in his face and pushed his sorry ass back down on the couch. Rich came out of nowhere and jumped between us. Its a good thing too. If BG would have swung at me, I wouldn't have been able to figure out which fist was real.

I helped Sam to her feet and I walked her out the front door. She was bleeding from her nose and her mouth.
Sadly, it wasn't the first time I had seen him hit her and I was pissed as hell that she kept going back for more.

"I'm sorry," she cried.
"You're sorry? For what?" I tried to keep the anger from my voice but it wasn't working. "If that was my boyfriend on the couch making out with some other girl, I would have beat the shit out of him."
She looked up at me with blood smeared all over her face. My great trip was about to turn into a gory one, real fast.
"I shouldn't have said anything to him," she stuttered.
"You are fucking kidding me?" I put my hand over my face to block my view of hers. It was starting to freak me out. "Why are you with him, anyway? You are way too fucking beautiful to be with a guy that treats you like that."
Through the crack between my fingers, I saw her staring at me like I had just spoke Russian or something.
"You think I'm beautiful?" She took the bottom of her shirt and wiped her face as clean as she could. "He says I'm disgusting."
I deemed her weak, right then and there. And I had no tolerance for weak people. She had let him alter her perception of herself and she believed him. How could a woman let that happen to herself? (I feel like a hypocrite writing that. But that's later.)

"You are beautiful and he is full of shit. He's just telling you that so that you will stay with him." Since most of the blood was gone, I let my hand down but I couldn't look at her lip or nose. I had to stay focused on her eyes. And they were sparkling like stars with the tears that were in them. Mesmerizing.

I blinked my eyes and she moved that quick. She was standing in front of me and her hands were moving towards my face. I thought it was the drugs that made her seem so close but when she kissed me, I knew it wasn't a hallucination. I could still taste the blood on her tongue. I wanted to push her away but at the same time I wanted to pull her closer. The kiss was so nice that I really didn't want it to end.

The front door flung open. I wasn't worried that whoever it was saw us kissing. It was pitch black outside and my back was toward them. We both turned around. The world kept spinning even though I knew I had stopped moving and the figures that were coming toward me were blurs.

BG walked up to Sam, slowly, and Rich and RM were right behind him.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to..." His words trailed off to a whisper.
LG came out of the house and put her arm over my shoulder. There was no need to watch BG and Sam. I already knew what was going to happen. She was going to believe his bullshit words and leave with him like she always did.
"You ready to go?" I asked LG.
She looked at her watch that I couldn't focus on. "Yeah. Lets go get our clothes."
"Hey, I'll give you a ride," Rich offered.
I shrugged. I wasn't looking forward to walking home tripping the way I was.
We collected our things and were about to exit the room when LG stopped me.
"You're bleeding," she said, wiping her thumb over my lip.
I walked over to the mirror and saw the streak she was talking about. "Not my blood. Its Sam's." I used my shirt to wipe away the smudge.
LG crinkled her eyebrows together with a questioning look.
"I helped her stop her bleeding. Must have got on my hands or something," I lied. She didn't need to know.
"Okay." She opened the door and we walked out.
Rich was waiting outside. As much as I hated him, I was glad for the ride.