My addiction

Maybe it was the giddy feeling caused by the twilight that chased us down the street. Or maybe it was the fact that the tension that surrounded us had caused us to be at each others throats. Maybe it was the colors that escaped the shadows and illuminated that dark place in us both. But the way she sounded so disappointed in her own statement made me laugh.
There was more behind her voice when she told me how she loved my laugh. Maybe it was a void that we had both felt and was finally getting filled. Maybe it was that gap, the trench that we had both been walking along but on opposite sides that was finally coming together.
Truth is...I want her. I always want her. She is my drug, my addiction. And really, that's all I ever wanted to be to her, too.

Voyeur

I lit a smoke and stepped out to the porch. It wasn't too cold for a change but I knew that that would be a different story later. There was a light breeze from the west and in my head, I was humming that new tune I wrote that hasn't yet escaped my mind.
More squirrels crossed the driveway, playing a game of tag it seemed as they jumped over and onto each other only to get up and do it again. They chased each other up the huge tree in our front yard and it brought my attention to the bright orange and red leaves.
The leaves danced, a sensual dance that could be compared to a mating ritual in some cultures and I watched like a voyeur secretly hoping that they would kiss before they fell to the waiting earth. The tune they danced to matched the tune in my head and I was entranced and found myself swaying with them, trying to join their ritual.
And the breeze brought in a gust of cooler air, trying its hardest to snap me out of my trance. But the leaves moved more and kept my attention as the cigarette between my fingers was neglected. My sway made me dizzy but their sway kept me grounded. For a moment, I wanted to be that tree with all those beautiful leaves dancing all over my branches. I imagined that it might tickle just a bit but I'm sure it would still be soothing.
That smoke in my hand finally gave up and burnt out as I took a breath of clean, crisp air. I rocked on my heels and smiled before I turned around and opened the door.

My only thought...it is a great day to be alive.

Stoners and Muses

J and I have some of the most interesting stoner conversations at night before we go to sleep. Neither of us are stoners, but I was at one time and I can tell you that J would have been a really cool stoner.
Last nights conversation had us on a trip through space and time with photons and atoms and molecules, dissolving and reforming in a place of our choice. I had to laugh when she said that she would go to Tibet and hang with the monks because whether or not the untrained human eye could see us was so unknown, but she was sure the monks would be able to see her.

See, stoner conversations.

For the past few mornings I have been waking up singing one of the newest songs I wrote. Its a good thing and a bad thing. The good is that it has real catchy lyrics, obviously. If its getting stuck in my head and all. The bad part is that I haven't finished the music yet and J hasn't been much help. She gets my concept but, like me, her creative muse comes and goes like a flash fire. I'd do the music myself except I blindly reached into a box on Halloween and sliced the tip end of my finger pretty damn good. It is pretty deep and right on the pad where I hold the strings. Too painful to play, so it will be a few more days before I try again.

But the song...I love it. It is one of two that I wrote that day. I have the music partially written but it needs...more. I can feel it. I can almost hear it, but I just can't write it yet. No worries, though. When I do get to play, it will come to me. Too easy...

Tension is still tight around here but I knew it would be as soon as the roomies moved back in. Such is life and I'm more than positive that I will be out of here soon enough. No, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to think it and let the Universe figure it all out. Its part of the Secret and it works...trust me. Try it.

Off to entertain my muse...

Getting Zen

The tension around here is thick. I enjoyed a smoke after dinner on the front porch while there was a heated discussion that bordered on anger and confusions divide.

Conflict pains me. It always has. Its a deep pain that can be traced all the way back to when I was a small child. My parents fights, my dad's violence that I remember so clear as if it were yesterday always seem to surface as soon as voices get raised. I do my best to stay clear of it all, only because it makes me feel like I'm six years old and that I need to curl up into a ball and protect my head.

I think this fact makes J uneasy sometimes. She has asked me a million times why I won't and don't get angry. You would think after 9 years she would get it but I really think that she will never be able to truly understand because she didn't live it.

There haven't been very many times that she has actually seen me lose control of my anger. Maybe only twice our entire relationship. And both times, I still feel guilty about. And that guilt...it is a killer.

I can't say that I was always so calm. I've done things and said things to people I loved and strangers that possibly still scar them today. That hurts still. I've been in more physical fights than most men I know. That's one thing I can attribute to my father - the knowledge and ability to protect myself and back up my words. After all, I am the only person to ever give my father a black eye. His first and only to this date. Yes, there was a time when anger controlled me and there wasn't a single altercation that I would run from. Hell, I'd take on who ever, when ever, no matter how much I was out numbered. But the conflicts still pained me.

But now...
I still won't back down but instead of running in with swinging fists, I try to come to a peaceful compromise. I control my anger, it no longer controls me. And it usually takes a hell of a lot to set me off, but when I do snap...it is best to get as far as you can away from me.

So if I avoid the tension and conflict in the house now, I really believe it is best for everyone that way. I stay clear even when they try to pull me into it. And J will ask me again why I don't get mad. And again, I will tell her the truth...maybe one day it will be enough for her to understand.

Weather and books...oh my!

The weather outside is nice. I actually have been wearing shorts for the past three days. (Only because I'm tired of wearing jeans.) Its still cold and I won't lie, I'm wearing long sleeves and my famous hoodie and I only stay outside long enough to walk the dogs or to smoke a cig on the front porch.

The leaves are pretty much gone around here. They really didn't change colors this year, instead just died and scattered all over the yard. I caught sight of a squirrel climbing through the trees. Squirrels, they move like Slinky's and they look so stealth as they slink through the trees and across the driveway. Never thought I would say this but I found the little furry thing kind of cool and it kept my attention longer than most people do. I guess that says a lot about the way I see other people...hmph.

PS...
I got my copy of Outsiders yesterday. Its a collection of short stories from Brisk Press. I am a fan of JD Glass and she is the reason I actually bought the book. Of course, I read her contribution, Triskelion, first. And...JD Glass fucking rocks! Its the story of how JD's characters start their record label (and so much more in so few pages). Yes, its my favorite characters: Nina, Sam, and Fran. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to start reading. I say start with Punk Like Me and then go to American Goth. You might want to read Yuri Monogatari 6 (graphic novel type) and read JD's contribution Sakura Gun (London) next. From there head over to Punk and Zen (my fave). Then read Outsiders...lol. And from there, check out Red Light. But wait! Then go over to JD's blog and read The Con entries. Pay attention as you read and watch how all of these books link together. I totally love them all. She has another book, too. Its called X but it has nothing to do with any of the other books but its still just as great a read as the rest. And now that you all are educated...

PSS...
My pit bull is sleeping with her eyes open and it is very fucking creepy. How do I know she is sleeping you ask? Because she is snoring. *shivers*

A little truth

I think I've finally gotten rid of my hangover. Finally. Now I remember why I hate drinking.

My friends over at the CLC have been doing their best to make me feel God-awful guilty about leaving them. There is more than a few reasons I left Florida and they know this but I guess an explanation is in order so anyone else can understand.

It is true...stress can kill. And my philosophy is when things are no longer easy, its time to find something new. Running a business from a cell phone that never -NEVER - stops ringing, ridiculous time restraints, traffic jams, and chasing money got to me. Things started to crumble and inside I was a wreck.

Its funny...when I was going through all that shit, my family and friends (not the CLC girls) still called me and unloaded all their problems. And the entire time, I was on the verge of a rageful relapse into the darkness I used to call life. And when I tried to explain, "Hey, you really think you have fucking problems? I've got overhead that weighs more than the world and a partner who has given up," they didn't seem to care.

Hell, I know I could have saved it all but I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt sick all the time and so tired but I could never sleep. My head was endless chatter of what needs to be done and what I really wanted to do. And in the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do...get out.

My family was driving me nuts, unloading all kinds of responsibilities on me that were never mine. My brother's drug problem, my mom's money situation, and my dad's absence all of a sudden became, "You have to do something, B." My nieces well being all of a sudden became, "They need a better home life...do something." And certain friends became my responsibility too. Those two in the morning phone calls like I was a suicide hot line became, "B, I'm in my truck and I'm driving straight for the wall at full speed and I know you can save me. Only you know what to say, do, think...and you will save me."

But I'm nobodies savior really. I couldn't deal. And the solutions I came up with, nobody listened to anyway. "Baker Act the fuck up." Or, "Tell your husband to stop wasting the money and to get a real job since he fucking pissed away your retirement on shit that he didn't want or need." And my nieces, God bless those beautiful little girls, "Leave him. Get a job. They are your kids too. Only you can make their life any better." And, "Stop fucking around with straight chicks! Dyke up already. You know they only break your heart."

And the end results. He is still an addict and a loser. He quit his job and now sits on the computer all day, jacking off to porn. (This one has partially worked out.) She got a job and left him but moved those girls into a house full of old drunk, drugged out sorry excuses for women. And she is still dating straight chicks and getting her heart broken. Its nil.

So I left and they chased me down through my phone. I shut off the phone and they chased me down on the computer. So I stopped checking my email. It is about time they all learned to live without me to step on, run to, expect a miracle from. It was all too much to ask for. I had a life, a house, a business, vehicles, a great relationship, and I let all that stress and pressure almost kill me. I walked out and away with the only thing I could salvage...my girl (and I almost lost that too.)

I'm finally back to good and there is no way in hell that I'm chancing what I have now. This is MY life now and I'm not going to show any of you how to live yours anymore. Live and learn...that's how everyone else does it. I know it all sounds selfish but dammit! I lived with all their shit all my fucking life. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy and to live without their problems.

(Dimes, baby. I love you and really this rant has nothing to do with what you said (its Starr). I love you and miss you like mad too. But really, guys...am I not better now? You really don't want me to go back to being the way I was before I left, do you? Starr...ease up on the guilt shit, please. I need to do this for me. For me and J. She is everything to me and you know that. You know where I'm at and you know that whenever you want you can jump on a plane and be here in less than three hours. You have the means to do that and I know you could bring all the girls if you wanted to. I miss you guys but I don't miss the life and I can't go back now. Ease up on the guilt and show me some understanding, please. And you are making me say it...or else.)

I remember Halloween

Halloween was a blast. We had good times with some fun people.

The night started with J and I heading over to her grandmother's house. We scared and scarred the little trick or treaters and I'm pretty sure we were the stars in their nightmares last night. It was all in fun and by the time we left, the kids were smiling again. (I'm the skelton and J is the bloody one.)

We headed out to the HH Pub (aka Travis' house) for the annual Halloween party that is usually pretty damn good. But this year, there was no live band and it seemed that there wasn't half of the usual crowd. Ahh, but the freaky fruity punch was smokin' (literally) and we had the Misfits blaring through the sound system. We all danced, singing, "I remember Halloween..."

A bit later, we all did a drunken rendition of Green Day's "When I Come Around" and then an even better rendition of DeadSea's "Crimson and Clover." The mosh pit was on the verge of getting out of hand during White Zombie and I think I laughed out a lung. And then Preacher Kerr showed up with a new CD that had a mix of movie music...had us all laughing so hard that most people's makeup was ruined.

The highlight of the evenings dancing was the stumbling run through of "Thriller." Oh yeah, J knew all the moves and it was funny as hell as the rest of the party goers joined her in the steps.

By the end of the night, J and I had been propositioned by a mobster girl, a nun, a Hooter's chick, and Commando. Good times...but I really missed my crew. (My face was falling off --->)