Friends

Dark

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Trying to hide from the wind.

It could be change but it might hurt.

Never been one to follow.

But feel the need to be guided.

Somewhere, anywhere but wrong.

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Peace in the dark.

Speed

Winter is dreadful. I promise I will never claim winter as being my favorite season for as long as I live.

With that said, yes...it is another gloomy day in Northeast Georgia. I really, really need to escape. Really. It would be so nice to smell the ocean. To hear the waves crashing. To feel the spray against my face. I would love to be able to see the sun for more than an hour and actually be able to feel the heat from it. God! I miss my tan, dammit.

I'm hoping that once winter is over, I will be able to find myself again.

In other news, I think I might have found my motorcycle. Its a 2005 GSX-R 600. Its a little smaller than I wanted but the price is right. Now I just have the difficult task of convincing J to turn her head when I buy it. She really doesn't want me to get one and has warned me that she will never ride it with me. I think I can deal with that but I can't deal with making her worry. My solution to that is to just show her that I know how to ride and promise her that I will be safe. I'm sorry, but that will have to be enough. Besides, the roads around here are much safer than Florida's.

She still is trying to talk me out of it. She even went as far as to tell me that she would be more than happy to let me get a drag bike and start racing again. That made me question her sanity. In my mind, a drag bike is much more dangerous than a street bike. Her point was...the safety equipment required for drag bike racing makes the sport safe. Hmph...

Either way, I will be getting a bike. Either way, I will have to get a license for it. Now I just have to decide if I want to ride whenever I want or whenever the track is open. I think the street bike is going to win.

Truth

Truth is...I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm walking the line of completely losing control. What do I do now? What have I done? Right...wrong? Nothing makes sense and I'm a little bit afraid. Should I be?

I've written about jumping out the window and testing my wings but I have so much to lose and, quite possibly, so much to gain. And as I walk that line, confusion is pulling me from both sides.

I think I might be lost.

Words

It's her words.

They melt me.

Like a candle that is nothing but a reflective liquid below a dancing flame.

Those words.

The simple sounds.

Like a melody only I can hear through all of the noise that surrounds us.

Sweet words.

What they mean.

A deep meaning that stirs so much more than the letters that possess them.

Sweet, simple words that melt me.

...and I'm bored

Hmm...what to type about?

Winter is deadly boring around here. Really, cabin fever does exist. We had a bit of snow this past week and had two fun days of playing in it but now its just back to freezing cold. Hmph.

I think the winter time makes me miss home so much more than any other season. South Florida is lucky to get maybe five days of really cold weather but the rest of the year, you can go and hang out at the beach with not even a sweater. Swimming is another story.

Valentines Day, yes. We aren't into the bought gifts thing. We take the day and make it just a "together" day and then give each other cards. Sometimes we make a little something for the other...which was the case this year.

J did something that was really super sweet, something I really didn't expect. She went out and bought boxes of those little Valentine's cards that kids give out in school. She wrote a special memory that we shared on each and every one of those little cards and stuck them in a heart shaped bag. It took me almost an hour to read them all and some had me laughing while others brought tears to my eyes. We have a lot of memories over these past nine years and it was an amazing ride reading her perspective on them all.

I got her a card and on every blank part of the card, I wrote something that I loved about her. Yeah, it took her a while to read...I wrote really small. The smile and kiss she gave me was priceless. I also sketched an old picture of us from back when we first met. She loved it but I think my idea fell short this year. Next year, I plan to top her bag of memories idea ten fold.

I read my horoscope today...something I don't do very often. I won't explain why but anyway...

It kind of shocked me. It was pretty accurate about what is going on inside me and around me. Kind of scary if I really think about it. I think it might be best if I just forget I read it.

Well, it might be boring around here but I still haven't been posting much in here. Uh...because its boring. There is absolutely nothing blog worthy going on around here. I think I might just have to go out and find some trouble to get into. Yeah...trouble...that sounds more like me.

Vertical Flurries

I swear to you...

Its like walking into the outer edge of the eye of a hurricane out there. Vertical flurries and wind that feels as if its slicing you in to small slivers.

The leaves chased my dog up, yes up, the driveway. The fear in her eyes would have explained it all.

My friend was telling me last night about the things we take for granted. Today, I agree. I took for granted all those comfortably cool winters in South Florida. I took for granted that bright, beautiful Florida sun.

And as my feet are trying to thaw and I slowly regain feeling over the rest of my body, I realize that maybe I was wrong in wanting it to snow. Fuck playing in it...I'd rather have a heated pool or the ice cold ocean.

A change...

I think I found something I dislike more than summer weather in South Florida...yep, winter weather in Northeast Georgia sucks.

I've really been missing home lately. And its really not the weather I miss. I think its more like the familiarity of home. I know J wants to live up here because this really is her home, but sometimes I doubt I can do it.

Mountains are beautiful and I love the creeks and rivers but they still do not compare to the ocean and the Glades. At least to me they don't. And it has been so long since I've seen the ocean that I'm beginning to feel jittery. I've realized that being land-locked isn't so much fun.

I was talking with J about this the other day. Although she won't admit it, I can tell she's feeling pretty restless herself. I guess you can't introduce a country girl to the city life and expect her to jump right back into the country life again. It got me thinking that maybe her restlessness is what is causing her to be so unstable. Maybe.

My grandmother invited us...dogs and all...to come and stay with her for a little while. To me, it sounds like a great idea but I haven't had any luck convincing J.

I'll keep trying.

Maybe a change will do us both some good.

Show Me

Playlist update...

I was told this song was how someone felt about me.

As scary as that feels to type and as bad as it sounds...I assure you that we are just friends.

I like the song and here are the lyrics...

Carolina Liar "Show Me What I'm Looking For"

Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Thank you...you know who you are.

Phases

Wow...what a negative mood I have been in for the past few days. Sadly, I didn't realize it until I read what I wrote here and a few other places. Its just real hard to stay positive in this house.

Screw that...no excuses.

I decided to get out of the house yesterday. I needed a different environment. The weather cooperated (finally) and I took a walk. I didn't really get far...the end of the driveway was all. BUT the driveway is a quarter mile long.

My solitude seemed to be just what I needed.

Yeah, my head seems to be clear. Maybe now I can get back to writing the good stuff.

on letting go

Seven to ten days to find out what is wrong with my sister. I am so fucking impatient. Thanks for the prayers.

J is driving me nuts. Yes...I'm actually going to type about her. Sometimes, she gets these things in her head and can't let them go. She got real bad over Christmas and I had to cut my family trip short so I could come home and help her with it all. I wish I could explain more, but I know its too personal for her and God knows that if she ever does read this it will just make it all worse.

Its funny because I actually went to college to become a shrink. I quit my first year but that's a story you'll have to read in the archives. But with all that I did learn, I think I might know what is wrong I just don't know how to help. We've talked it out. I've answered her questions to the best of my ability on how I let it all go. I've searched books, magazines, the Internet, anything to try to find something that will help.

She does fine for a few days or a few weeks and then she's back where she started and aggravated at herself because she feel back into it all. Its a vicious circle and I'm a bit drained. But I'm not giving up.

I just wish she would let me take her to a real doctor.

So today, she is on edge. She's aggravated. She won't tell me what is wrong and keeps apologizing for snapping at me. Its the start of the circle. Next, she'll be all upset because she'll think that I think she is silly or crazy or whatever. I'll assure her that I love her and I don't think she's nuts. Then she'll cry. Finally, she'll break down and tell me when she realizes that she can't handle it by herself.

I don't get it. I don't understand. Not her but me. I don't understand why it is so easy for me to just let it all go and never think of any of it again. I don't understand why nothing triggers some little memory in my head...forcing that memory to torment me now. Why is it so easy for me and so hard for her? Maybe I'm the one that is fucked up.

I don't know. But I do know that I love her. I do know that I will always do whatever it takes to help her. And I do know that sometimes I feel guilty because I secretly wish I could wake up and find that she is the woman I fell in love with nine years ago. The one that was just as happy-go-lucky as me. I secretly wish that I could go back to the time before her mother passed. I'd pay more attention and find the exact moment where she changed and do something about it before it spiraled into all of this.

Don't get me wrong. I know she is still the same woman I fell in love with and I love her so much more than I did back then but I just really want her to be okay again.

I just want her back.