J is driving me nuts. Yes...I'm actually going to type about her. Sometimes, she gets these things in her head and can't let them go. She got real bad over Christmas and I had to cut my family trip short so I could come home and help her with it all. I wish I could explain more, but I know its too personal for her and God knows that if she ever does read this it will just make it all worse.
Its funny because I actually went to college to become a shrink. I quit my first year but that's a story you'll have to read in the archives. But with all that I did learn, I think I might know what is wrong I just don't know how to help. We've talked it out. I've answered her questions to the best of my ability on how I let it all go. I've searched books, magazines, the Internet, anything to try to find something that will help.
She does fine for a few days or a few weeks and then she's back where she started and aggravated at herself because she feel back into it all. Its a vicious circle and I'm a bit drained. But I'm not giving up.
I just wish she would let me take her to a real doctor.
So today, she is on edge. She's aggravated. She won't tell me what is wrong and keeps apologizing for snapping at me. Its the start of the circle. Next, she'll be all upset because she'll think that I think she is silly or crazy or whatever. I'll assure her that I love her and I don't think she's nuts. Then she'll cry. Finally, she'll break down and tell me when she realizes that she can't handle it by herself.
I don't get it. I don't understand. Not her but me. I don't understand why it is so easy for me to just let it all go and never think of any of it again. I don't understand why nothing triggers some little memory in my head...forcing that memory to torment me now. Why is it so easy for me and so hard for her? Maybe I'm the one that is fucked up.
I don't know. But I do know that I love her. I do know that I will always do whatever it takes to help her. And I do know that sometimes I feel guilty because I secretly wish I could wake up and find that she is the woman I fell in love with nine years ago. The one that was just as happy-go-lucky as me. I secretly wish that I could go back to the time before her mother passed. I'd pay more attention and find the exact moment where she changed and do something about it before it spiraled into all of this.
Don't get me wrong. I know she is still the same woman I fell in love with and I love her so much more than I did back then but I just really want her to be okay again.
I just want her back.
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