In pencil....

I've been taking a small break from drawing. I got a little burnt out I guess. But I can tell you what my next piece will be. Its a pic of Angelina from the movie Hackers (one of my favorite movies). I have yet to decide if I will do draw her as a full page or just a 5x7. Hmph! Maybe I will do both. I did set up a deviant art account but I have nothing in it yet. These past two days have been busy.

BUT...I do have a piece I haven't posted here yet. This is Jenophobic, a friend of mine.

Other stuff...I had an awful fucking nightmare last night. I won't go into details but someone was after me, trying to kill me and they hurt J instead. I woke up in a panic and had to touch her to make sure she was okay and still alive. I hate dreams like that.

Back then will be along shortly...I promise.

Confusion...why now?

What do you want? And why now?

Its been years since I thought of you. Years since we lost touch. Years.
But here you are. In my dreams. Every night for the past two weeks and I don't understand.
Even in my dreams, you are the same as you were back then. Flirting and touching. Keeping me right on the edge of wanting you so bad that it hurt. You're demanding all of my attention again and I don't want to give it to you. I don't want to give in to you. I can't do it.

All this time has passed...so what the hell do you want?

Do you remember how you cried when I told you I was going to marry him? Do you remember how you begged me not to? And when I asked you why, you shied away. Even after I said for you I wouldn't. You wouldn't admit it then and I know you won't admit it now.

And those few years that went by, when we didn't speak, I looked for you. I looked everywhere. I even went to your fathers house, hoping to God that I would have one more chance to tell you what you had meant to me back then. Time went by and then you found me. You found me when I was already in love with her. A love so unbelievable that it made what we had look like a joke. You wouldn't see me, but I knew you wanted to. I knew I had to see you. I had to let you know once and for all what I felt for you.

You made me tell you over the phone. And I confessed that I loved you then. That all you had to do was say the word and I would have never married him. I would have been with you. Would have. But everything happens for a reason and I know now that we were never meant to be.

Was it fear of acceptance that kept you away? I know you loved me. Hell, your own brother was gay and out. But you held me at an arms length away, pulling when you wanted and pushing when you didn't. I wasn't your toy then and I refuse to be now.

So stay out of my dreams. Because I don't understand. And if you are upset because I'm happy without you...GOOD. Because I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing.

Dream + Tina = silly

I woke up from the silliest dream today...

First off...I lost interest in The L Word the season before last. Second...I never found any of the girls on that show the least bit attractive. I can hear the "Yeah rights" from lesbians across the world echoing. Really, the only one I found mildly attractive was the chef chick that Dana dated a long time ago. And that's what made this dream so silly.

I was hanging out with Bette and Tina and another one of Tina's ex-girlfriends (that's the way she was introduced to me in the dream) but the ex was now with Bette. We were at a hockey game of all things. Then we went back to their (Bette and Tina's) place and were hanging out there. I remember asking Tina if it was weird hanging out with two of her ex-girlfriends and she shrugged it off.

Tina said she'd wait for me in the bedroom as I went to the kitchen to get some drinks. As I was walking out, I heard a baby. I'm thinking either I was drunk or I was trying to hide from Bette because I was crawling. And when I peeked around the corner of the cabinet, I saw their kid sitting in some kind of baby seat looking thing. I smiled at the kid and Bette walked in. I told her that we needed a couple of hours and she said, "No problem." She picked up the baby and walked out the back door.

Even in the dream I was thinking things were very weird.

I get back in the room and Tina is naked. I walked over to turn up the air as I stripped. It was damn hot in that room. We were laughing about something when I joined her on the bed. We started making out and she stops. "Wait," she says and rolls on to her side.

I start laughing and pull the piece of paper that was stuck to the sweat on her ass off. It was a menu for Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut?? She takes it from me and starts blowing on it to dry it. "Is it that important?" I asked. We both started laughing again and she asks me to see if the words were printed on her ass. Nice ass. And then I woke up.

Whenever J and I wake up, we always tell each other our dreams. We've always done this. So today I said, "I woke up to the silliest dream. If I tell you, you have to promise that you won't get mad." Not that I really expected her to get mad, but I wanted her to laugh at it with me. And if I told her to not get mad, she would think it was that much more funnier.

She agreed and I told her.
She laughed her ass off. "That was fucking silly."
"I told you it was," I smiled.
"Tina is so not your type. And you can't even eat anything at Pizza Hut."

True and true. Fucking silly ass dream.