Stoners and Muses

J and I have some of the most interesting stoner conversations at night before we go to sleep. Neither of us are stoners, but I was at one time and I can tell you that J would have been a really cool stoner.
Last nights conversation had us on a trip through space and time with photons and atoms and molecules, dissolving and reforming in a place of our choice. I had to laugh when she said that she would go to Tibet and hang with the monks because whether or not the untrained human eye could see us was so unknown, but she was sure the monks would be able to see her.

See, stoner conversations.

For the past few mornings I have been waking up singing one of the newest songs I wrote. Its a good thing and a bad thing. The good is that it has real catchy lyrics, obviously. If its getting stuck in my head and all. The bad part is that I haven't finished the music yet and J hasn't been much help. She gets my concept but, like me, her creative muse comes and goes like a flash fire. I'd do the music myself except I blindly reached into a box on Halloween and sliced the tip end of my finger pretty damn good. It is pretty deep and right on the pad where I hold the strings. Too painful to play, so it will be a few more days before I try again.

But the song...I love it. It is one of two that I wrote that day. I have the music partially written but it needs...more. I can feel it. I can almost hear it, but I just can't write it yet. No worries, though. When I do get to play, it will come to me. Too easy...

Tension is still tight around here but I knew it would be as soon as the roomies moved back in. Such is life and I'm more than positive that I will be out of here soon enough. No, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to think it and let the Universe figure it all out. Its part of the Secret and it works...trust me. Try it.

Off to entertain my muse...

Giving Thanks

Starr left me this morning, heading back to sunny south Florida. I miss her already.

Starr, she's kind of like me, a positive thinker and can always find the good in every thing and every body. Even she struggled with what I'm dealing with right now. But, as always, she tried to help me turn it all around in my head to make it a little easier to deal with.

"You gotta stay positive," she told me. The same words that J just echoed.

Although it sounds easy enough, it is hard as hell when the negative is staring you in the face and breathing down your neck constantly.

I have been trying everything. My best defense is to just ignore. I have had tons of practice at that. Ask me how I lived with my mother for all those years (she pulls the negative from everything and harps on it) one of these days. But even ignoring this has been rather difficult.

I have never hated, truly hated anyone or anything my entire life. Not even my ex or my father, which once I get through the story (back then) you will understand what I mean. I disliked God for a couple of years when she took away someone who meant everything to me but once I figured out that it was the way it was supposed to be, I forgave and asked to be forgiven. Hate would be such an easy and somewhat satisfying way to deal with this. But hate is negative and the more negative you allow in your life, the worse life is.

I really don't want my life to take that turn. I've learned my lesson. I guess I will just have to figure it out. Figure out a way I can deal with this without going postal or entering the downward spiral. And with friends like Starr and a girl like J, I know it is possible.

Starr, thank you so much for jumping on that plane and being here before I could blink. Thank you for the late night talks. Thank you for the early morning reasoning's. Thank you for the drunken I love you's. Thank you for everything. Most of all, thank you for loving me this *stretching arms as far wide as I can* much. Because I love you twice as much.

I live

...because somewhere along the lines, I must have done something right. I must have said, felt, witnessed, heard, lived something. I'm here and some days are better than the rest but it can't rain all the time and even if it did, I'm sure I would find some deep, well hidden part of me that would always bring me back to where I'm supposed to be because somewhere along the lines, I lived it and there is always m0re than enough space to live it all again even if it hurts. And all those painful things, memories, hands, words, weapons, will all fade and sting just a little less because I was there once. Although it was empty, unsatisfying, confusing, and gut wrenching, somehow it was all worth it because I am here, now, and alive and I realize...I must have done something right. I spoke the right words. I felt the right things. I saw the path. I heard the encouragement. I lived it and no one else has lived it like I have.

In the works and such

My mind has been busy and my imagination has created a brand new world to run around in. If it would slow down just a little, I might be able to keep up.

In the works:
A new art project. Lots of wood and power tools...oh yeah.
Also coming soon...drawings. G-ma wants me to do a M. Jackson portrait. Sadly, I'm not feelin' it at all. But I do know the next thing I am drawing...a different view. I dreamt it last night.
And...drum roll please...I have a new book in the works. Its hot! Very HOTTTTTTTT! Sex has never been written so good.
My life would not be complete if there wasn't some music in it so...after going all punk rock on my acoustic, I broke a few strings. I went to the local music store (there's two if you believe that) and replaced them. Got them extra light so I could bend the hell out of them and my fingers wouldn't bleed. Well, my fingers are still bleeding but I'm coming up with a ton of new material. Now if I could just get Freak and J in the same state, maybe we could do some recording.

Back to my mind. I'm a purely positive thinker. I kid you not. If I'm watching TV, I even mute the fucking commercials. I can't stand the way they try to make people think they have all these fucking problems. I swear there are pills for everything. The day they come out with a pill for people who don't blink enough will be a funny one but still, enough with the negative thought injections. Wake up people. There is nothing wrong with you that you can't cure yourself. Hmph. Thoughts are things. You think it, so be it. Get it? Got it? Good.

I think everyone should mute commercials. I believe the world would be a much healthier place.

Anyway, I pride myself on knowing the secret. And the other day, I had this like, mental breakdown of sorts. It was weird especially since it was me. I'd expect it from J but that's another story for another day. So in this breakdown (which seemed to be brought on by the past and the biz and all. The entire reason I had to walk away) my mind kept screaming "why!" and "what if" and it is so unlike me to do that. But, since I believe that everything happens for I reason, I let it flow.

Good thing too, because if I wouldn't have broke down I wouldn't have came back up with such a new outlook on it all. There is nothing that happens in my life that I don't attract. You always get what you feel the most and (the downside) what you fear the most. So when I say I have no fears...I am being completely honest. I fear nothing because I don't want fear to manifest. Okay, so I know why all the things that happened in the past came to be. I know why I had to drop off the face of the Earth and restart my life again. Best of all, I understand. And that new understanding is what will keep it from happening again.

The best thing that came out of the breakdown: There is no WRONG way. If you believe the way you are doing things is the right way , then it IS the right way. And as long as you never doubt that it is the right way, it will always be the right way. Think about it...you'll get it.

The universe is unlimited.
LIVE IT, DREAM IT, BE IT!

Now will someone please tell J I'm not leaving her. That look in her eyes when she says, "Please don't leave me," kills me inside.

I know the secret

Live it, dream it, BE it!

Have a great weekend and holiday everyone!