My business

As promised....Back Then (its a lil late...)

As a young person, I made some pretty stupid things. But I really think we all did.

I was a little over a month into my tenth grade year. School was kind of getting to me. I was thinking that it was just a big waste of time. But I loved my art class and my drama/stagecraft class, too. Somehow, I convinced myself that those two classes were worth going to school for. In both of these classes is where I met D-friend (silly nicknames we had for each other) aka, the Crayola Queen. She was one of the maybe five or so Goth kids at our school. Seriously, she was Goth before Goth hit mainstream. I didn't know it was possible for a human to be that white and still be alive.

In my efforts to change the path my life was on, I decided she would be a good friend to have. Meaning...she was clean, no drugs.

BM didn't do drugs either, so I was spending more and more time with her. LG knew her too and we would all hang out together after school. Actually, LG was kind of clinging to me...now that she noticed I was spending more time with other people. And when she would hang out with me and BM, drugs seemed to be foreign to her. Maybe it was because BM didn't think they were cool. Get it.

Anyway, I was doing much better and staying away from everything seemed to be getting easier.

Rich and I, well...he was kind of clingy too. At first it annoyed me, then I just got numb to the fact. There was purpose behind me dating him, I would keep reminding myself. But Sam sightings were few and far between.

Honestly, as I look back now, I remember being so confused. Confused about her and confused about Rich. Both were amazing kissers but when I kissed her, I felt something more, more than I ever felt with him. I really didn't understand when really, I should have. But I never took any of it seriously anyway. I was only fourteen...I figured that I would figure it all out when it actually became important to me. And at that time in my life the only things that were important were art and music and skateboarding.

BM had to work the weekend and I ended up hanging out at the theater with Rich, LG, and RM. There were others hanging out too but, like RM's brother and another of our local drug dealers and his latest fiend. Just because I was hanging out with them didn't mean I had to talk with them and I was doing great ignoring them for the most part. But then...

"So, have you met Fred yet?" RM asked over my shoulder.
I was busy playing Galaga and I really didn't want to answer.
"Well?" he asked again.
"It's really none of your fucking business," I told him without turning around.

By this time his brother had walked up too. He asked me the same thing.
"Leave me the fuck alone. And again, it is none of your business." I turned around and Rich and LG were standing behind me against the wall. Both of them smiling at the questions I was being asked. I glanced at RM and JM and asked, "Why? What did he say?" I nodded my chin in Rich's direction.
RM laughed and leaned against the side of the arcade machine. "He said you've been giving him blue-balls."

Truthfully, I had kissed more than a few guys and a couple of girls by this age. I'd seen more body parts of both than most girls my age. I knew about sex and the mechanics of it all. I wasn't innocent. BUT, I had never in my life heard anyone say that they had blue-balls. My first thought...he's diseased.

"Blue what?" I asked, trying to hide my confusion.
JM put his arm over my shoulder. "He's saying that you've been getting him all worked up and horny and then sending him home."
That kind of pissed me off. "Well then, he deserves his blue-balls if he is telling you guys that much."
And they thought it was funny. At least it kept them from staying on the subject.

Later, as LG and I were walking home (actually, I was riding my board and she was walking), she brought it all up again.
"I can't believe you haven't slept with him yet." She was a bad actress and I could tell that whatever she was going to say, she was asked to.
"LG, it's not my thing. Besides, there's no rule that says that just because he is my boyfriend, I have to sleep with him." Out of all the people in the world, LG wasn't the one I would have chosen to have this conversation with.
"Are you scared? Like you'll get pregnant or something?"
I looked at her like she was 90 degrees of crazy. "No. I just don't want to. I have no interest in meeting Fred."
"You don't know what you are missing," she said, kind of laughing.

It was no secret that she had slept with KK. Even less of a secret that she had slept with RM and maybe a dozen or so other guys.

"Actually, LG, I know that I'm not missing a thing. What makes you think I'm a virgin?"

This knocked her off balance a bit. For a few minutes, she didn't know what to say.

"Well, then why don't you just fuck him and get it over with?" she asked.
We stopped in front of her house and I slapped the tail of my board against the ground making the board jump up in my hand. "Because I just don't want to. And I'm not going to change my mind for any of you. If I ever get the feeling like I want to sleep with him, I will but until then, all of you need to stay out of my business."

I left it at that and headed home.
Here's a laugh for you all...I slept with Rich less than a week later. And of course, it sucked. BUT, I did sleep with him because I wanted to. I had finally gotten to hang out with Sam and when she left, he was there.
Stupid reasoning, I know but... And if he ever knew....hahaha...

Ignorance is a kiss

Here we go.  Since Starr is bugging me about it and I can deny her nothing...Back Then...

School started and I started off tenth grade with a boyfriend.  A boyfriend I didn't really lke.  He did surprise me that night at the party.  He acted kind of normal.  He didn't ask me to meet Fred or really show off in front of his friends.  He just acted like a guy that was genuinely interested in me and like he was trying to make a good impression.  I will admit, I did start to doubt my first assumptions of him.

At school, I stopped hanging out with LG so much but we still hung around each other after school.  I guess you can say that I just tollerated her.  She wasn't an individual, she was what she thought everyone around her would think was cool.  I didn't like that.  I always thought that if your friends didn't like you for who you were then they weren't real friends anyway.  (Hypocrite pops into my head here and later you will see why.)

I started hanging out with BM instead.  She wasn't much into school and we ended up skipping more than a few days together.  Once, we skipped school on my mothers birthday.  I had completely forgotten that my mom would take half a day off on her birthday and go shopping.  We went down to the Broward Mall which was real close to where my mom worked and as we were walking through, we came face to face with my mom.  To this day, I have no idea how she didn't see me.  Anyway, BM was cool because she was always herself and I really liked that about her. She had a twin brother too.  A very hot twin brother I might add.  Back then, I always thought it was strange how that fact didn't really have an effect on me.

Rich worked during the day, sometimes.  But when he wasn't working and I didn't feel like staying in school, he'd come pick me up and we'd go to Tradewinds Park or out to lunch or whatever.  He was becoming nicer and nicer and I actually started to like him...a little.  Not in a "I wanna jump your bones" way but more like "we could be friends" way.  I should have took that as a sign.

On the weekends, we would all - and I mean all, like the entire party crew - hang out up at the 99 cent movie theater.  We became friends with the manager and would pretty much stay there the entire day watching movies (they only showed four) and playing video games (they only had two and Galaga was my fave). 

"Earth Girls are Easy" was playing and I will tell you that I've seen that movie so many times that I can recite the dialogue.  Rich and I were sitting in the back row of the pretty much empty theater.  I hadn't kissed him since he the last party of the summer.  I just didn't feel interested in him that way.  Another sign I ignored.  But Rich was a little fidgety and he was starting to annoy me.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked.  I figured he was high on coke because that was his drug of choice but this was a different kind of fidget.

He started acting shy but he put his arm around me.  "Nothing really."

His leg was jumping and finally, I draped my leg over it to stop it.  It was driving me nuts.  "Liar.  What is it?"

I guess by this time, we had been dating for a little over two weeks.  I still wasn't thinking of it as dating though.

"I, uh," he looked over at me with a nervous grin, "was wondering if I could kiss you?"

Rich knew me better than I thought.  I didn't realize this until much, much later.  He knew that the way to get to me was to show me respect.  And he was playing the game well.  And since he asked, I started to feel nervous. 

I smiled and stared at him for a moment.  He had asked instead of just doing it.  Not like him.  And he hadn't tried anything since that second to last party.  He was being nice and not being his usual man-whore self.  Then I thought, there might be something here.  I kissed him and I think we made out for the rest of the movie until our friends started showing up and throwing popcorn at us.  We were a bunch of silly asses back then.

You would have thought I would have put it together.  He asked to kiss me because I was sober.  I guess he figured I was easier when I was fucked up.  Like I said, I didn't figure any of this out until much later.

Another thing...the reason I hadn't broke up with hm that night was because Sam asked me not to.  LG didn't want me to either.  LG was using me for reasons that I knew...to be able to spend time with RM.  I couldn't figure out any reason for Sam to be using me, so I went along with it.  Her lips made me blind.  But in those two weeks or so, I only saw Sam once and we never got a chance to be alone.  It looked like our plan wasn't working.

It would have been the best time for me to walk away...but I didn't.

Tainted Mistakes

I'm pretty sure that I have been subconsciously putting off the next Back Then entry because this next installment is where I made my first mistake when it comes to Rich. Its where I made the first step in changing my path and altering what I thought my life would be. But...as I said, no regrets. It all happened for a reason.

Back Then...

There were two reasons I was going to the last party of the summer. One was to see Sam and the other, to break up with Rich. God, I was fourteen and heading into my sophomore year. I didn't need a boyfriend. I was trying to get my life back in order. Clean up and start doing better in school. Something, anything but what I was doing. Wasting it.

LG was right on time as I waited at the corner, smoking a cigarette. "I knew you would be here," she grinned.

"Yeah, but its not how you think." I was confident in my words. I had my plan set.

I wasn't going to drink anything that wasn't sealed closed. I wasn't going to take anything that was offered. I was going to walk in, say hello's, and find the two people I wanted to see.
And so far, I was doing good. I was shocked when I ran into LL. She was a girl from my old neighborhood and we had went to middle school together. Feeling safe hanging with her, we talked about music and the old neighborhood for a while.

The old neighborhood brought up all those old feelings for MM. Mostly, it made me miss her to the point of feeling like a hallow shell. And after LL said she had to go, I made my first mistake. I went to the fridge and found something to drink thinking that anything in there was safe. I should have known better.

Sam found me before I found her and I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt or both or what. She pulled me out the back door and I couldn't have stopped her if I wanted to. Whatever I had ingested was just about to kick in and I was feeling good. Real good. And I hated myself for liking the feeling.

"What the hell did you do last night?" she asked. Her face, her lips were just an inch away and I wanted to taste them.
I shook my head because I really didn't know what I had done the night before and I was past the point of caring as I stared at her lips. "I'm not sure," I confessed. "What did I do?"

She cocked her head to the side as she really stared into my eyes. I was feeling dizzy and her eyes were like kaleidoscopes. She took my cup from my hand and downed half of it before she tossed the rest in the dirt. "You should know better, B. Everything in this place is tainted."

"I know but...I was thirsty," I laughed. Not so sure why it was funny but at that moment everything amused me. Even the fact that I was sad.

She kissed me. It was nice and slow and intensified by the drug and I was sure that I was floating in the air or something. I remembered thinking that maybe I had wings but only when I was high because that's when I would let down all my guards and walls and relax and let the past go. Maybe.

"At first," she said as she trailed her fingers down the center of my chest, "I was mad that you said yes to Rich. I was hurt but really I had no right. So I was thinking," and now she was laughing because words were so amusing, "if you stay going out with him, I will see you all the time."

"Can't," I said. I shook my head as far as I could from side to side. "I hate him."

"Well, I hate BG too. They will just be a front so we don't get caught."

I thought about that. Get caught doing what? Oh, kissing. I didn't care about getting caught doing that, I think. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't want people to think that I was a lesbian. Or did I? I was confused and fucked up and this is where I made my second mistake.

"So, I stay going out with Rich and you stay going out with BG and then we can...we can what?" I asked.

Sam's lips were so damn soft and she was such a good kisser and so damn beautiful that it hurt and I think I wanted her a lot more than I ever admitted to myself. She could have conned me into giving her everything I had at that moment. Fucking drugs. Fucking women.

"Then we can hang out together and no one will ever think a thing. And LG, she can hang out with RM and no one will ever think a thing." She kissed me again and I was convinced.

I never once thought that maybe Sam and LG had some kind of conspiracy thing going on. But I should of, even though I would have been wrong. But I might not have agreed if I had thought LG had anything to do with anything I made a decision about. I didn't trust her.

But, I was high and the decision was made. My third mistake...I didn't break up with Rich. I actually hung around with him that night like I actually liked him. I know I shocked a lot of people. I shocked myself, that's for sure. And that was the first step I took in the direction of my life of hell.

Aftermath

Silly, but I just NOW realized how much J had missed me while I was gone. I hadn't realized until this moment that since she picked me up from the airport until right now, we have been together. I mean, she has not left my side. Everywhere she's gone she's taken me with her. Everywhere I've wanted to go, she's gone with me. And when she left earlier to go to her grandmothers, she must have asked me a million times if I was sure I didn't want to go. And then she said, "I don't like it when I'm not with you."

I missed her too and I miss her right now.

Anyway, since I have a little time and its been a while...Back Then...

Now matter how hard I scrubbed that morning, I still felt dirty. The sketchy details of the night before's events were enough to make me puke. I allowed Rich to touch me. I allowed him to kiss me. And what scared me the most was all the details I couldn't remember. The only thing I was sure of was that we didn't have sex.

Two days. Two more days until school started. I just had to avoid everyone for two days. Sounded easy enough. Hmph.

By the time I got out of the shower, Mom was home. I said hello and good morning but went straight to my room. I pulled on some sweats and a tank, opened up my sketch book, and pulled on my headphones. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I'm a huge Joan Jett fan. So I turned Joan up as loud as I could and tried like hell to block out the rest of the world.

Sometime around my fifth or so drawing and my third Joan tape, Mom came in my room and lifted my headphones from my ears.
"I guess you had some friends over last night," she grinned.
"A few. But no one was inside, I promise. Well, except for LG but that was only for five minutes," I explained. "How did you know?"

She took my sketch book and flipped through the pages. "The trash can was full of alcoholic containers. No one left here drunk, did they?"

"No. No one left until early this morning."

"Were you drinking?" she asked.

It wasn't a lie. "No, I wasn't." I knew I didn't drink but I had no idea what I did have in my system.

"Good. I trust you," she smiled. "LG's out front. She says she needs to talk to you." I started to protest but Mom stopped me. "I tried to get her to go away but she says its very important and says she won't leave until you come and talk to her."

I groaned and rubbed my hands over my face. "All right."

I got up and pulled on a T-shirt as I rummaged through my drawer for some socks. Mom sat on the edge of my bed watching me with curiosity.

"What is going on between you and LG? I know you have been trying to stay away from her. Is there something I might be able to help you with?" Her concern made me want to answer.

But that question I couldn't answer truthfully. "It's cool, Ma. Like I said before, I just don't like some of the people she hangs out with. And, well, she's not really a good friend."

Mom stood and walked towards my door. "Do you want me to tell her that I forbid you from hanging out with her?"

"Nah. It will ruin your "cool Mom" reputation," I joked.

Mom laughed and left the room.

I slipped into my Airwalks and grabbed my smokes as I headed for the door.

LG was leaning against the wall behind the door. I was beginning to hate that damn smirk of hers. I lit a smoke and stood next to her. "What is so important?" I asked.

She stood up straight and turned so that she was facing me. I guess she wanted a good view of my face so she knew whether or not she needed to run or take cover. "I was going to head over to RM's later and wanted to know if you were gonna come too."

"Nah. Thanks. What the hell makes you think I would want to go anyway? I can't stand that jerk." I should have known her next words were going to sting when she took a step back.

"Because your boyfriend will be there," she smiled.

I choked on the smoke and dropped my cigarette. "Real funny, LG. I don't have a fucking boyfriend." I looked in her eyes as she kept smiling at me. That smile that meant she knew something I didn't but should. "What the fuck, LG."

"Man, I guess you were more messed up than we thought. Rich asked you out last night and you," I clenched my fists and she took another step back, "you said yes."

"The fuck I did. Bullshit." I got in her face. "This is just another one of those fucking lies you made up so you can hang out with RM. I'm not playing along. If you want to be with RM then break up with KK so you don't have to make up all these fucking stories and lies." I shoved her out of the way and started in the front door.

"If you don't believe me, ask Sam."

I paused for a second. What did she know about Sam?

LG grabbed my shoulder. "What is it with you two anyway? She kept sneaking you off last night."

"Its none of your fucking business," I hissed. It wasn't. And God knows that if LG did know what was going on between me and Sam, everyone in the neighborhood would know. "Leave her out of this."

"Hey," LG put her hands up in surrender, "all I know is that she seemed a little upset after Rich asked you out and you said yes. So yeah, if you don't believe me, ask her."

LG was still talking but I was feeling kind of numb. I walked in the house and slammed the door behind me. I was tempted to try and call Sam but I figured if what LG said was true, then I needed to see her in person. I don't know why I felt that way. Its not like there was anything between us anyway except a few hot make out sessions. She had a horrible boyfriend and I was pretty sure she wasn't going to leave him to be with me. And I was thinking...hmph, like I would ever seriously date a girl.

Teenagers. So little do we actually know sometimes.

Looked like I was going to show up at a party after all.

Party Over

I always keep my promises...
Back Then ~

The rest of the party was fuzz and static. At one point, I remember making out with Sam on the side of my house. I'm pretty sure I didn't instigate it. She pulled me aside and said she had to talk with me about something. Her kind of talking was all soft lips and the sweet taste of her tongue.

The next thing I remember was laying down in the driveway and watching the stars. All the memories of MM rushed over me and I might have cried...I'm not sure. And then...Rich. Rich was kissing me and touching me. I know I told him to stay away from me at some point but I don't think that happen.

There were flashes of faces - LG and RM - smiling at me and laughing with me. There were bits of music that I heard every now and then. And I remember the kisses. But who they were from...I don't remember. I woke up with the early morning sun in my eyes and big arms wrapped around me. Rich.

I sat up and glanced around my yard. I could only imagine how much the neighbors hated me and all my friends. It looked like something out of a war zone...bodies scattered all over the front lawns. Bodies on the hoods and trunks of cars. One thing I can say, no one left the party intoxicated.

LG yawned and stretched a few feet from me. "That was a great party."
My head was hazed and I had to repeat what she said about a million times in my head so I could comprehend it. I knew something was really wrong with everything that had happened but I couldn't figure it out. I picked up a pack of cigarettes that was staring at me from its peculiar spot in the grass. The pack felt cold and wet in my hand as I opened them to find exactly what I was looking for. I put the cigarette up to my lips and lit it, taking a deep drag as I went over what I could remember in my mind. The memory of kissing Sam made me smile but quickly turned into pain. My lip was cut. The blood was dry.

LG grew impatient waiting for me to comment on the party. "B? Did you have fun last night or what?"
When I looked at her, I remembered that I was angry with her. I didn't know why yet but I knew I really didn't want to talk to her.
"I don't remember," I mumbled, flicking my smoke to the road.
I slowly, slowly got to my feet and dug in my pocket for my house key. I didn't say another word to her as I walked around to all the sleeping people and nudged them awake. I needed to get them all gone before my neighbors called the cops on us all. It didn't seem to take too long to clear the yards and I finally went in the house and washed my face.

Most of the nights events came back to me in little pieces as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. And with those events came the anger, the disappointment in myself, the disgust for what I remembered that I did, and tears...lots of tears.

That's when I realized that I needed to change more than myself to be the person I wanted to be. I was going to have to change EVERYTHING.

Party from Hell (pt. 2)

As promised...Back Then...

When I look back, most people would have thought that it was cool - having so many friends and how they always wanted to be around me - but I thought it was, well, annoying and a bit tiring. And honestly, most of them weren't really worthy of being called friends.

LG chased after me as I stalked off to my house. I was going inside for three reasons. One...I wanted to make sure no one was inside. Two...I was thirsty and didn't want to drink the concoction that was being passed around outside. And three...to lock the damn door so no one would go inside. The last thing I wanted was some kind of a bust that could possibly result in my mom being arrested or some shit.

I slammed the door in her face. She was really getting on my nerves. Little by little, I was beginning to realize her game. She hung around people that would make her "cool" and clung to you if you had drugs. That was the only two things she cared about. I checked all the rooms and grabbed my house key. She caught up to me when I went into the kitchen to grab my Gatorade (grape) out of the freezer (it makes a cool slushy).

"What is the deal with you lately?" she asked. She stood with her hands on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently.

I glared at her. I told her several times already that I was trying to stay clean and wasn't liking the people that I had somehow attracted to me. She didn't respect that, even though she swore she did. "I told you already,LG, I'm not into this shit anymore."

"Come on. Its just a few friends." She had this evil smirk on her face.
One thing about LG. You could always tell when she was up to something. She couldn't hide a damn thing.
I pushed open the kitchen window blinds. "A few? A few!" I let them go and stepped closer to her. "LG! There is like fifty people out there. Probably more!"

She shrugged. "What can I say? Everyone loves you."
"Fuck you!" I bumped her shoulder as I passed heading for the front door.
She stood there, looking rather blank, silent.

I figured there was no use fighting it now. Besides, I heard more cars pull up and I was sure things were going to get out of hand if I stayed inside any longer. "Lets go, LG. Before one of those drunk rednecks decides to start a fire in my front yard."

She followed me out and went straight for KK. That pissed me off too. KK knew exactly what I was going through and I thought that he, of all people, should have talked LG out of this plan. I sat on the planter and lit up a smoke. Even if the party was at my house, it didn't mean I had to participate, right? I mean, temptation was everywhere. I could smell the weed, I could see what they were passing. It was absolutely everywhere and I had to prove to myself that I was above it. That I didn't need it. It had to be some kind of a test.

Sam spotted me sitting alone and slowly walked my way. I smiled as I shook my head. She was there with the same piece of shit that treated her so bad.
"Hey," she grinned. "Mind if I sit?"
"Go for it," I told her, indicating the empty space next to me. "I hope one of these days you come to your senses and leave that asshole."
She hung her head and nodded. "He's really not so bad, most of the time."
I reached out and turned her head towards me. "In between punches? Is that when he's not so bad? I bet as soon as he's done beating his love into your beautiful face, he tells you how much he loves you."
Her eyes were wide and she rubbed her hand over the bruise I was talking about. "You don't understand."
"I do understand. I watched my aunt deal with this for years. And she didn't leave until he almost killed her and her son." I smiled at her. "You don't understand that you deserve so much better than that."

After a long silence she finally agreed that she did deserve better but I knew she wouldn't leave that jerk. I knew he had her believing that no one would ever love her. He had her self esteem as low as it would go.

"So where have you been? I looked for you at Mike's last weekend and then at Joe's the next night."
I took the hint that she really didn't want to talk about him anymore, so I went with the change of subject. "Pretty much, I've been here." I looked around the yard, "Trying to stay away from all of this."
"Really?" She sounded surprised. "Why?"
I told her all about how I wanted to change my life and quit the drugs and the people that did them. I explained how I really wanted a new start.
She put her hand over mine. "That is really cool." She started to trace my fingers with one of hers. "Maybe I should think about that too. A new beginning seems like a good idea."

It didn't take long for a fight to break out. Some kid I didn't know had picked a fight with a kid everybody knew. Big mistake. Everyone ended up ganging up on the guy and luckily I was able to get that guy to leave. (Of course I made sure that he wasn't too intoxicated to drive.) When I went back to my seat, LG was there waiting for me. The look on her face should have told me something but my adrenaline was pushing too hard to think clearly. I picked up my Gatorade and downed half the bottle, managing to give myself one of the worst cases of brain freeze I had ever encountered. It left a bitter taste in my mouth but I really didn't think anything of it.

KK walked over and kissed LG. "Hey B," he smiled. "Everything okay?"
I nodded. "As okay as its going to get."
"Well, I gotta go and pick up some stuff." He winked at me and I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Don't bring it back here, please." I was still pissed at him.
"I won't." He kissed LG again. "I'll be back in a few hours."
"Okay, baby," LG said with a huge smile. She knew that it meant she could hang all over RM.

I watched him get in the car and take off while I finished my Gatorade. As soon as he was out of sight, LG went straight over to RM, just like I thought. I closed my eyes for just a moment, rubbing my hands across my face. I was feeling weird. Feeling dizzy. Feeling like the world was slowing to a crawl. I knew what it was...FUCK! LG slipped something into my drink and I was pretty sure in a few short minutes I was going to be flying high as a kite.

I stood to go over and beat the shit out of her but I never made it.

Party from hell (part one)

Although I wish I could blame all of my mistakes on other people, its really not that easy. I have a mind of my own and only I can make my decisions. Therefor, only I'm to blame. Even if it was something as simple as who to trust and who not to.



Back Then...

See, getting high for me was never about trying to be cool. It was an addiction that I stumbled into so many years before. And then after MM left, it became a way for me to fill the emptiness she had left behind. A way to dull the pain that thoughts of her would cause. There were other things too, but mainly...it was her.
Without the drugs, I stopped trying to hide the pain I felt. I stopped trying to pretend that I didn't miss her with everything in me. I actually dealt with it all. Still didn't understand it and I couldn't name it...then...but I didn't run from it anymore. Instead, I moved on.

Like I said, I was doing great and staying clean. I had to avoid a lot of people to do so, but it was what I wanted. I hung around Jason a lot. We would ride around the neighborhood, me on my skateboard and him on he bike. We would hang out at the park, chill in the grass, and listen to whatever was on his headphones. I was really starting to like him. It was more than obvious that he really liked me. Did I mention how good of a kisser he was?

There was only a week left of the summer and Friday and Saturday night, there were plans for huge parties. Parties that I really didn't want anything to do with. So when people would talk to me about going to them, I shrugged it off. I knew it was expected that I would be a given at the places but everyone was in for a shock. Even if I said I was going to be there, I knew I wasn't. Some people just wouldn't shut up, so I lied.

Besides, Friday night I WAS planning on hanging out with Jason and then Saturday, we were actually going to go out on that date.

Friday came and I was relaxing out front on the trunk of my mom's car, waiting for Jason. Dusk was moving in and bringing a nice warm summer breeze with it. I completely zoned out on the clouds above me and didn't hear anyone approaching.

"You are strange," LG said, slapping the metal fender of the car.
I jumped and choked on the smoke from my cigarette. "Dammit, LG. You shouldn't sneak up on people like that," I laughed. "What are you doing here? I thought there was some huge bash going on tonight."
"There is," she smiled. I didn't like that smile at all. It was a smile that said she had some devious plan or something.
"I'm not going. I'm not going anywhere," I told her, shaking my head to push my words.
She walked around the back of the car and took my cig from my hand. She took a deep drag and smiled that smile again. "I know. I figured you were going to say that. So did everyone else."
I took my smoke back as Jason pulled up in front of my house. I slid down from the car and kissed him as he reached out for a hug. I heard LG behind us making sounds that I'm sure had a scowl to go along with them. I flicked her off behind my back.
"Missed you," Jason said with a smile.
"That's not good." I was joking and he knew it. I turned and went back to my seat on the car. He followed, standing next to me.
LG leaned forward to look at Jason. "If I was you, I would get the hell out of here."
"Why?" he asked.
I elbowed her in the side. "It's my house. He's my friend. Respect that. If you don't like it, you leave."
"I can't leave," she shrugged. She leaned forward again and nodded at the car that had just turned on our street.
I looked. I was pissed. Around that corner was more than one car. It was more like five or so and the one in the lead...fucking Rich.
"What the hell, LG?" I slid down off the car again and faced her. "What is going on?"
She laughed. "Since you won't go anywhere with us, we are all coming to you. Party is here tonight."

I watched in disbelief as each car pulled up in front of my house. Each car filled to its maximum with passengers. Each car filled with people I had been doing so good at distancing myself from. I was so pissed, I started to shake.

"Why the hell didn't you ask me before you did this?" All that anger was definitely coming through in my voice.
LG looked down the street again as more cars rounded the corner. "Because we all knew you would say no. It wasn't all my idea."
"Fuck!" I raked my hands through my hair. I was so tempted to pull it out. "This can't happen here, LG. It can't. I can't. Lets get them all to go down to your house."
I started to walk toward the cars that were emptying but LG grabbed my shirt and pulled me back.
"That's a joke, right? My parents would freak if all these people were in their front yard." She smiled over my shoulder. "And your mom is cool. Come on, B. Its the last weekend before school."

I shook my head. I turned around to tell everyone to leave but I knew it was going to be useless. They had already piled out of the cars and were drinking and smoking and doing whatever else. There must have been thirty or more people already and there were still cars pulling up. It was definitely going to be a night full of testing my will to stay clean. I hung my head and slid back up on the trunk of my mom's car. At least I had Jason.

He grabbed my hand. "I think I'm going to go." He looked over his shoulder nervously.
"No." I gripped his hand tighter. I wanted him to stay but I didn't want to beg. "Its cool. Just hang out with me."
I could tell he was debating his decision in his head. He smiled and kissed me. "Maybe for a little while."
He turned around and was about to climb up on the car with me but he stopped cold. Rich and RM were standing right in front of us.
"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing kissing my girl?" Rich crossed his arms over his chest. He was wearing a tight fitting tank top and the muscles in his arms were bulging. He looked intimidating but he didn't fool me.
"I'm not your fucking girl, asshole." I waved my hand for him to leave us alone. "Fuck off."
"You will be my girl," he said with determined certainty. He stepped forward and shoved Jason's shoulder.

This kind of pissed me off. Jason...he seemed like he was backing down. Rich wasn't much bigger than him and I was sure, if it came to it, Jason would have been able to hold his own. But he showed weakness instead and he lost a little of my interest there. It didn't fit with my "Show no weakness because only the strong survive" mentality.

I jumped down off the car and pushed Rich back myself. "I said fuck off. I'm not yours."

Rich grabbed my arm and pulled me around behind him. RM got me in a bear hug and brought us both down to our knees. I guess he knew the damage my legs might do to him if given the chance.

Rich motioned for Jason to step forward. Nervously, he did, but he didn't look ready to fight. He looked like he was about to run. And seeing Rich and him standing face to face, I realized that Jason definitely wasn't as big as Rich. He had the height but Rich had the bulk.

"Leave him alone, Rich," I yelled as I tried to free myself from RM.
Jason mumbled something and took a step toward his bike. Rich didn't hesitate. He swung, knocking Jason back a few steps. Jason wiped his face on his sleeve and threw a half assed punch back at Rich. It was too easy to block and counter, and this time Jason was on his ass. Jason scrambled on the ground and crawled to his bike. He ran like a wimp.

"If I see you around her again, I'll fucking kill you, pussy!" Rich turned around and looked at me with a cocky grin that made me sick.
"You are a fucking dick." I threw my head back and caught RM's face. He quickly let me go and I jumped to my feet. I pushed Rich onto my moms car.
"Ooh, I like it when you're rough, baby," he smiled.
"Fuck you," I said and kicked him in the shin. He immediately bent over clutching at it. I had the perfect opportunity to knee him in the face, but I didn't take it. I should have took it. "Why don't you and your boyfriend," I motioned to RM, "get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see your face." I spit, missing his head by an inch or so.
"You don't mean that," he groaned, still holding his shin.
"I do."
I walked away. I should have kept walking.

Revenge and music

I find it strange, how my brain works. It chooses what it wants to remember. Sometimes, my memories scare the shit out of me. And then I wish that I could remember the entire moment so I can understand what it was that really happened. But I think my brain is just trying to protect me or something. I guess it could be a good thing.

Anyhow...Back Then...

I made it through somehow. Withdrawal beat the shit out of me but, dammit, I was still standing.

I replaced the deadly addiction with a new one...guitar. And when that wasn't enough, I'd draw. I actually drew up a comic book that somehow duplicated and circulated for a few years...around to all my friends. I was doing great and had never felt better.

KK came back into town. He was older than me, like most of my friends, but I had known him the longest. He had been my grandmother's neighbor forever. He was fresh back from California. And he was the neighborhood "dealer" if you know what I mean.

He was the only one I told about what DK had done to me. And he stood behind me as I beat the living daylights out of that fucker. I told you I would get revenge and I never said I wasn't violent (well, I'm not now but I was back then). I never saw DK again after that day. He either moved away or KK did something that he didn't tell me.

So, KK had known that I played the guitar and he told me that when he got back from his trip, we were going to start a band. But...I wasn't so sure it was a good idea.

"Why not?" he asked. We were sitting on the planter in front of my house smoking cigarettes.
I studied my cigarette like it would help me explain. "I'm just...look, I've known you forever. But, I need to stay away from the stuff you, umm, do and sell."

The quiet was deafening as he considered my words.

He patted my shoulder. "I respect the fact that you wanna be clean. I'm cool with that." He raked his hand through his hair. "I would never try to push any of this shit on you. I've known you pretty much since you were born. I'll watch your back. But, please, please be in this band with me."

I believed him. He was like a big brother to me. But I was still weary about it and I know he read it all over my face.

He took a deep breath as he searched for his convincing words. "I promise you, when we practice, everyone will be straight. We will put the music before the high. And if the rest of the guys don't like it, then they're out."

To be in a band with KK was something I had wanted for a long time. I wasn't the greatest guitar player at the time, but he was. And his knowledge of music was something I knew he wanted to pass on to me. I felt like I trusted his words enough to agree.

"Alright. I'll do it. But I mean it, KK, no drugs." I held his eyes as he stood.
"Fuckin' wicked!" He pulled me up and gave me a hug. "We won't even have to be good. You're so hot, guys will show up just to see you."
"Fuck you," I laughed and pushed him away.

And so Iron Cross was formed. KK kept his promise. Everyone, including KK, was completely sober at our practices. We practiced everyday for about two weeks. As good as it was going, I had a feeling it wouldn't last. But KK did get to teach me a hell of a lot. And after the bassist and drummer had had enough of playing sober, they quit.

"It's supposed to be sex, DRUGS, and rockn' roll, man," one of the guys complained.
KK, being the bad ass that he was, helped them both out the door with his fists. It wasn't just the drug thing they were fighting about, but I think that statement is what pushed him over the edge.

KK and I continued playing and we actually wrote a few decent songs together. (I think I still have the lyrics somewhere.) And LG...she really wasn't liking all the time we were spending together. No matter how many times I explained that he was like a brother to me, she was still jealous.

Honestly, I didn't think she had the right to be jealous. She was cheating on him constantly. He cheated on her too, but not with me. And I was kind of stuck in the middle but I kept my mouth shut. Their relationship was really none of my business. As much as they liked to pretend, I could tell they didn't love each other. Not in the least bit. It would self destruct on its own...without my help.

I had enough to deal with anyway. I told LG to fuck off. If she couldn't trust me around KK then she didn't need to be my friend. Of course she quickly apologized and tried to pawn off her anger on not having any coke or something. I shrugged it off. Whatever.

I was proud of myself. I had managed to stay away from EVERYTHING for an entire month. I still had weird withdrawal symptoms, but I was doing it. Even with the crowd of users that seemed to cling to me.

Yeah, I thought I had it made, getting past the hardest stuff, but...
TO BE CONTINUED of course!

My Fight

Things are always different for an outsider. One that has no idea what you are going through.

Back Then...
I was never really a book reader. Sure, I read the required books in high school. I didn't become a cult fan of the books like "The Catcher in the Rye" or care too much for "To Kill a Mockingbird." Only one book stood out for me. A book I had to read in Psychology class. "Go Ask Alice." Mostly because I read it during my recovering from addiction years. Since no one really knew what I was going through, that book helped me remember why I was going through it. I wanted to live.

ad·dic·tion
\ə-ˈdik-shən, a-\
noun
1: the quality or state of being addicted
2: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal ; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful


with·draw·al \-ˈdrȯ(-ə)l\
1 a: the act of taking back or away something that has been granted or possessed b: removal from a place of deposit or investment c (1): the discontinuance of administration or use of a drug (2): the syndrome of often painful physical and psychological symptoms that follows discontinuance of an addicting drug

Addiction is like a lover that sneaks into your life, takes over your life, and then refuses to leave. Yes, like a lover.
Because in those moments...when you are so high, feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof with no pain and no worries...you believe that pill you took or whatever your drug of choice was, you believe that it loves you.
And you love it because it took away that memory, that pain, that hurt, that worry, that fist, those words...everything. You are blissfully numb and you think that you are in the middle of the worlds greatest love affair.

My addiction refused to leave without a knock down, drag out fight. I was determined to win. Like I said, I wanted to LIVE. And if a person ever tells you that withdrawals are easy, they are lying and have no idea what addiction really is.

Withdrawal...good God. Pain, so much pain. I swore my marrow hurt. Sweat. Freezing. Shaking. Nausea. Hallucinations. Paranioia.
Again, I told my mom I had the flu. I'm sure if she wasn't working so much, she would have figured it out. During the day, while she was at work, I would sit in the corner of my room, sweating to death but freezing to the core. I'd pull the fibers from the carpet in my clinched fists as I'd bite my lip so hard it would bleed. So many times I was sure I was going to die. I heard voices and swore they were angels coming to take me away.

It was the worst physical and mental experience of my life. I didn't see day light for at least two weeks. But finally, things subsided enough for me to feel confident I could go outside without freaking out. I still stayed away from my friends, though. Slowly, I began to realize that they weren't worthy of being called friends anyway. They would be the first to drag me back down.

Yeah, I never really read much, but that book...it could have, would have, and almost was...me.

Addiction Cemetery

This post goes out to Starr and Peace and all the girls over at CrazyLesbianCircus that have been asking for more. I love you girls and miss you like mad.

And I'd like to publicly thank Starr for wanting to write the book about this stuff. She says my life is an inspiration and the story needs to be told. I think the same about her life...but she has refused to let me write about it.

On to the next chapter...Back Then.

I was in and out of consciousness for I don't know how long. At one point, I do remember moving the dresser from in front of the door. But I forgot to unlock it. I prayed as I sat in the corner trying to stay awake that my mom would come home and check on me and she would call the ambulance.

That trip to the hospital never happened. So, I died. Yes, I really died. If I told you the story of how I know this, you would probably think I was completely insane. But I really did die.

I was given a choice. Clean up or never go back. Obviously I chose to clean up because I'm here now. I can give you a million reasons for why I decided to live but the one that matters the most was my mom. I knew she wouldn't have been able to handle it. I couldn't do that to her.

When I finally came to and realized what had happened wasn't really a dream, I kind of freaked. I went to the kitchen and grabbed some trash bags. I went through every thing I owned and threw away anything and everything that reminded me of drugs. Pipes, bongs, music, my art, clothes. Everything. If I was going to do it, if I was going to keep that promise and stay clean, I couldn't have any reminders or triggers.

After I stuffed it all in the trash bin outside, I went back in my room. In my dresser drawer, below the Rolling Stone magazine was my stash. I think I sat there and stared at that drawer for at least an hour. And when I finally pulled it from that drawer, I held that little bag in my hand and begged for the strength to get rid of it. I dumped it on my bed and sorted through it one last time. In the cellophane from a pack of smokes were a few hits of acid. Album covers. In a small baggie, a few lines of coke. Two rolled joints. And in the last of the baggies, a nice assortment of my favorite pills.

I shoved it all back in the brown bag and grabbed some clothes. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat down in front of that toilet and shook. I swear it felt like I had the devil sitting on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Sweat poured off me like someone was pouring water over my head and my heart felt like it had relocated to my throat.

I emptied the contents of that brown bag on the floor. I grabbed the coke first because I never really cared for the stuff that much anyway. I thought it would be the easiest to flush. The shaking got worse the closer I got to that addiction cemetery. And as my hand hovered above the grave, my breathing became panicked. I have to do this. I need to do this. I kept repeating those sentences over and over. I closed my eyes and thought it all out again. My pep talk wasn't working because I wasn't saying the right thing. It wasn't about having or needing to do anything. It was about wanting to do it. This IS what I WANT. I WANT to be CLEAN. I opened that baggie and poured everything out. I unrolled those joints and dropped it all in. I opened the pills I could and crushed the others and dropped them in. The last to go was the acid. But it did go.

I'm not sure if my mom wondered what the hell I was doing flushing the toilet so many times but she never asked. I just had to make sure it was all gone. When I was done burying my addiction, I stripped to hop in the shower.

If I needed any other reason to quit drugs, I found it all over my body in the form of bruises and cuts and scratches from the attack I had to fight off. Anger finally washed away my panic and fear of having to start my life from scratch, so to speak. And as I washed away the bloody remnants of what their hands had done to me, I plotted my revenge.

Hell hath no fury...

Another mistake

My lack of updates is blamed on my drowning in the book I'm writing. I'm about 70 pages in and it has been consuming every other free minute I have. J gets the rest of my free minutes.

So here we go...Back Then...

It sucks to admit to some of the stupid decisions I have made over the years, but, like I said before, I have no regrets. I lived and learned and that's what living is all about.

I was determined to clean up. And I did pretty good for the first week or two. I had managed to convince everyone that I was too busy to hang out on the weekends and such. It was working but, I admit, it was damn hard. Sometimes you don't realize how bad you are addicted until you try to quit.

Mom helped, even though she had no idea what she was helping with. She thought I was getting the flu or something. And she made sure to keep the vultures away...mostly because I asked her to. When she asked why I didn't want to see them, I just told her that they were starting to annoy me and I needed some space. She respected that and never asked again.

Frank moved away and a new guy moved in. DK was closer to us in age and the few times I talked to him, he seemed pretty cool. He even helped me fix my moms car one morning so she could get to work. (I'm a closet mechanic) Somehow, I confided in him that I was quitting drugs. I'm not sure how we got on the conversation but I'm guessing he was offering and I refused. He seemed cool with that and never pushed again until...

It was the weekend and mom was out on a date. My little brother was staying down at my grandmothers. I had the house to myself and was going stir crazy with urges that were threatening to take me down. I grabbed my guitar and sat out front on the planter, practicing scales and such. Out of all the people I didn't want or need to see, fucking Chris rode by on his motorcycle. When he noticed that I saw him, he did a quick u-turn and pulled up in my driveway.

He quickly tried to explain himself. "I was just in the neighborhood and I saw you sitting here. I couldn't just keep going."

I knew better and I started to wonder if he had been stalking me since he learned where I was living or what. It creeped me out and I shivered with a weird sense of fear. But I couldn't let him know that.

"You're shivering. Are you cold?" he asked and started to move closer.
I put up my hand to stop him. "No. I've been sick."

My conversation with Chris turned into a yelling match and we caught the attention of DK. I had seen him walk out of his house with a friend and they had been watching Chris and I for a while. After I yelled for Chris to leave for the fifth time, DK walked over and put his arm around me.

"Hey, babe. Do we have a problem here?" DK asked, giving Chris a look that would kill.
"No problem. Chris was just leaving." I put my arm around DK's waist to make things look more believable.

Chris finally got the point and left.

"Who was that?" DK asked, taking a seat on the planter beside me.
Who was Chris? The guy that tried to drug me and rape me would have been the best description but I didn't want to say that to DK. "Someone I knew from my old neighborhood is all. Thanks for your help."
"Anytime. That's what friends are for," he shrugged. "You look wound up. How 'bout you come over and we get high."
"No thanks, I quit remember."
He stood and reached out for my hand. "Its just weed. Not addictive and just an herb, B. It won't fuck up your process."

I was stressed and upset from seeing Chris. I was having a hard time fighting the urges. I can give you every excuse there is in the book for why I finally agreed, but none of them are good enough. It was a stupid decision. But we all make mistakes, right?

I put my guitar back in the house and walked across the street to DK's house. I had assumed his friend had left but when I walked in his house, his friend was sitting at the table finishing rolling up the joint. I took a seat on the couch and zoned out on the TV while I mentally tortured myself with questions. Its just weed. It can't hurt me, can it? Should I do this? I've been doing so good. Will this fuck up everything I've been working for? I should have listened to myself when I had concluded that it was a bad idea and I should just leave. But it was already lit and was in my hand. I shrugged and thought, what the hell.

About the fourth time I had that joint in my fingers, I started to feel real weird. My heart was going a mile a minute and I swore I could hear my blood flowing through my veins. The sound was so loud, I could barely hear anything else. I passed the joint and that's when I noticed that DK and his friend weren't really smoking it. This was bad. Real bad.

I stood. I knew I had to get out of there before whatever bad thing they had planned started happening. "DK, I think I've had enough. I gotta go home. Mom's gonna be there soon and I'm supposed to be home sick."
"Nah. Stay, B. Don't worry, we'll get you home." DK shared an evil grin with his friend that made me feel sick to my stomach...or was that the drug.
"Really, DK. I'm not feeling well. My knee has been hurting me. I gotta go." I took a step toward the door and DK stepped in front of me.
His hands were sliding down my back and stopped on my ass. He was holding me to him tight. "I have the perfect thing for your knee. Why don't you take a bath? The warm water will do wonders for your pain."
He licked up the side of my neck and tried to kiss me.

Whatever they put in that joint was kicking in at full force. I was getting so disoriented and I'm sure if the front door wasn't right in front of me, I probably wouldn't have been able to find it. I knew I had to make my move to get out and I had to do it fast.

DK's friend walked up behind me and slid his hands up my shirt. "Yeah, baby. A bath will fix you right up." I felt his hands at the front of my jeans as he bit my earlobe.

I leaned my head forward and threw it back, hitting the guy in the face somewhere. He dropped his hands and stepped away, cursing and making threats. I took another step toward the door and DK grabbed me, pulling my hair, exposing my neck as he bit down.

"I promise I will make you feel good," DK whispered, loosening his grip just enough.

I was sure my heart was about to explode and, any minute, I was going to be so far out of it that they were going to get what they wanted. I raised my knee, making full contact with DK's crotch. He went back against the wall and I moved as fast as I could toward that damn door. I had to reach it. I had to get out of it and back to my house. I had to.

My hand was on the doorknob when DK's friend grabbed my arm and twisted me around to face him. I was stuck between him and the door. "Let us help you feel better." He kissed me hard, knocking my head against the door.

I saw little stars and shit but I couldn't let it stop me. I kneed him just as hard as I kneed DK and he went down to his knees. I twisted the door knob but the door wouldn't open. It was locked and I couldn't think clear enough to figure out how to unlock it.

DK's friend made it to his feet, pushing me face first into the door. His hands were ripping at my jeans, scratching my skin. I kept trying to unlock that fucking door. I had to keep trying. I got it!

DK's friend turned me around to face him. He shoved his hand down the front of my jeans. "I'm gonna fuck you until you bleed," he growled.

He had both his legs between mine, so I couldn't knee him again. So I reached for his balls, grabbed them, and squeezed until he screamed like a woman. He let me go and DK was heading our way. I flung the door open, slamming it on DK and ran as fast as I could. My pants were falling down, my shirt was ripped, but I kept running until I got in the door at my house.

Reality was fading so fast. Nothing was easy. I ran to all the doors and tried to make sure they were all locked. I got to my bedroom, locked the door, and pushed my nightstand in front of it. I checked my window, then collapsed on my bed.

I was sure that I was dying but I was so afraid to try to make it to the phone. They knew I was home alone. There was no way I could fight them anymore. I watched my chest as my heart attempted to beat out of it. The sounds of gushing, thick liquid filled my head. I could no longer feel my body. And I was out.

Time for Change

Time to get back in the swing of things. So that means its time to get back to back then...

Yeah. The vultures were circling. And I was so fucked up. I was pretty sure at this point that it wasn't just acid I was on. And, for the life of me, I couldn't remember who handed me the drink. All bets were on LG.

"How you feeling?" LG asked as she sat down beside me.
I laughed a hollow, emotionless laugh. "My guess is that you know exactly how I'm feeling." I glanced over at her as RM sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm fucked up."

She grinned and stared at me like she was about to take out a knife and slice me to bits. Sadly, I don't think I would've been able to put up a fight.

Rich took a seat on the other side of me and tried to touch my hand. I quickly pulled it away, or at least it felt like I quickly pulled it away. The way my head was spinning, it probably took me ten minutes to even think about moving it. I shot him a look of pure hate. And that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up the next morning with the sun beaming in my eyes. The light felt like little needles being jabbed into them. I was in the front passenger seat of my mom's car with my feet hanging out the window and there was an arm around my shoulder. I covered my eyes with my hand and pushed at the weight that was across my stomach.

Somehow, I fell asleep next to Rich. LG's legs were across my lap and her head was on RM's lap. I had a very bad feeling in my gut and quickly exited the car to puke that feeling out. I thought that was my final straw with drugs and drinking. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I left the sleeping dogs in the car and went inside to take a shower. When I looked in the mirror, I had to do a triple take. Staring back at me was a trail of bite marks that went from below my left ear, down my neck, and to the top of my left breast. I looked a little closer and saw that my lip was bruised and bit too. Definitely the last straw.

I promised myself that it was the last time I would ever get so stupidly high. That I would never allow myself to not know what was going on around me.

I inspected the rest of my body and was relived to realize that the bites were the extent of my damage. That kissing was as far as it went. I think I might have killed someone if they had forced me to have sex. And yes, I would have known if I had had sex.

By the time I had finished my shower, my mom had left for work. And the dogs I had left in her car had gone too. I fixed a bowl of cereal and picked up the phone. I needed to talk to someone, badly.

"Uncle Shane?" I asked after I heard hello.
"Hey B! We were just talking about you last night. How is it going over there in the north east side of the county?"

It felt so good to hear his voice. Even though he was only a year older than me, he always seemed so much wiser than I ever felt.

"Its going. Any word on MM?" I had to ask.
"Nah, nothing. Rumor has it...she is living with a family member somewhere close. She hasn't been seen since the court hearings." I laughed when I heard him slurp his milk.
"Let me guess...Apple Jacks, huh." I took a bite of my own.
"Yep. You too?" he asked.
"You know it. So, you guys were talking about me. Anything good?"

He explained that they had rebuilt the quarter pipe and made it much wider and how Brad had thought I would be the best at shredding it. He gave me a list of people that all wanted him to say hi to me and that they missed me. I told him to say the same thing back to them all.

"I know you didn't call for the 'hello list.' You sound down." Shane was always good at reading me.

I explained what I could remember of the night before and then reluctantly told him about the marks left on my body. I could tell he was angry but I could also tell that he was trying to hide it.

"Who the fu...who did it?" he stuttered.
"This is the worst part, Shane. I really don't know. I can't remember a thing. But I do know that I woke up with Rich beside me. Guessing, I would say it was him." I felt awful. I felt worthless. I was more than ashamed.

I should have known better than to stay outside when I was starting to feel so messed up. I should have forced myself inside my house and locked all the doors. I knew that I couldn't trust any of them. And I explained it that exact way to Shane.

"Don't blame yourself. Well, do but don't. You never had that kind of problem when you lived out here. We all looked out for you. Especially MM." I heard him slam something down, hard, against the table. "God! I wish I could get out there somehow. What are you gonna do?"

When he asked, I went through a million scenarios in my mind. None of them seemed doable, but I had to try.

"I think its about time I quit the drugs and drinking and find myself a new group of friends. Maybe, with a little luck, it won't be as hard as it sounds."

I knew the new friends thing would be easy, but finding friends that were clean was going to be a pain in the ass. For the first time in my life, I couldn't wait for school to start. Maybe I'd turn into a jock or something. Join softball or soccer. I figured those kids were the closest I would ever get to finding the "good" kids.

"That's a big change, B. Going from being high on a nightly basis to being super clean. Its gonna be rough." He took a deep breath and let it out slow. "If anyone can do it, though, it would be you."

That was the vote of confidence I needed. He thought I could do it. I felt that I could do it. And the thought that MM would probably stand behind me was about all I needed. For a split second, I thought that maybe I should ask my mom for help. But I quickly thought better of it. As far as I knew, she had no idea of what I was really into and I didn't see any reason to bring her in now.

It was a time for change and I was gonna change it all.

Getting back to good

The rest of the "back then" story makes me feel like such a hypocrite. Things started happening so fast that I didn't know which way was the right way and I kind of got lost (for many years). But like it or not, this is Life of Times and the purpose was to tell the story on how I got to where I am now. Back to the story...

I was stuck on the "he says you are his" words for hours. It was driving me up the wall. I didn't like being thought of as a possession, it made me feel...wrong. I steered clear of RM and Rich the entire night. I had even planned on staying drug-free that night but someone slipped me something in my drink. I remember bits and pieces of conversations but the thing that sticks out most from that night was that LG never left RM and Rich's side. It was like she was involved in some kind of conspiracy with them to make me his "property." I wasn't liking that one bit.

Frank, my neighbor from across the street, sat beside me in the driveway. I knew he could tell that something was bothering me. "What's got you lumpy? Bad trip?"

I liked Frank as a friend. He was a tough guy out of New York but he didn't act that way. He was more laid back and kind of charming that way. He had asked me out once but I quickly declined. He was older. Ten years older and that just seemed weird. Funny, after I kindly declined, he asked my mom out. She was ten years older than him. I think they actually went out a few times, too. Hell, most of my guy friends wanted a date with my mom and Frank was the only guy to ever succeed. My mom wasn't a slut and she did have an age standard.

"Nah. The trip is fine but," I looked around to see who was standing near us, "if I find out who gave it to me, I'm gonna beat their ass."

He laughed and slapped my shoulder. "Yeah right! You're telling me you didn't want to get high tonight?"

I shook my head and looked around us again. "To tell the truth, Frank, I really don't want to do this shit anymore. Any of it. No more coke, weed, sid, or WC's. I want my head to be clear."

I knew he was searching my face and eyes to see if what I had said was the truth. And while he contemplated my words, I contemplated myself. I stretched my legs out in front on me and inspected my Airwalks. I pulled at the frayed strings that sprouted from the holes at the knees of my blue jeans. And then my shirt. The T-shirt that MM had given me. Blue and white tie-dyed Iron Maiden shirt with a brightly sketched picture of Eddie on the front. His form came to life on my chest as I breathed in slowly. I had to look away.

So, I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest. I grabbed the neck of the shirt and brought it to my face. If I breathed deep enough, I could still smell MM. I knew she would respect my decision to quit drugs. She would stand behind me and even quit with me. But when I opened my eyes and looked out over my new friends, I knew that none of them were like her. None of them even came close. I was pretty sure that none of them respected me either. But the feeling was mutual.

Frank cleared his throat to get my attention. "Where were you?"
He must have been talking to me and I didn't hear a thing. I could have just blamed it on the drug. "I was...with an old friend," I smiled. Thinking of her always made me smile...and still does.
"Well, what I was saying is that, if that's the way you feel, you should just quit. I'll help you keep these guys away from here." He slapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously. "I'll get them the fuck out of here right now if you want."

I really wanted him to get rid of them but everyone was pretty wasted. It was nights like these that they would all pass out in my front yard. Seriously. My mom would have to wake us up to get us off her car sometimes. "Nah, not tonight. But thanks, Frank." I glanced over at him wondering if he really understood how serious I was.

"You say the word and I'm there," he grinned. "You know, KK is coming back from California next week. He wants to start that band. Are you in?"

I rested my chin on my knees. "I don't know. If I really want out of all this shit, I'm gonna have to stay away from the temptation." I glanced over at LG, RM, and Rich who were huddled together by RM's car. "And you know KK. He's carries more goodies around with him than RM over there could even get his hands on."

Frank laughed a deep, loud laugh that attracted a lot of attention. "You are so right." He got to his feet. "Well, I'm here if you ever need any help." He winked as he walked over to the crowd that was singing a horrible version of Slayer's "South Of Heaven" and he joined in.

In a matter of seconds, LG, RM, and Rich were circling me like vultures and I was their next meal.

Human Property

Back to the story...

As the summer went on, more and more people would show up at my house on a nightly basis. It became the local hangout...for everybody. Mom didn't mind as long as we didn't get too loud that the cops were called.

There was a new guy in the neighborhood. His name was Jason and he had stopped to talk to me a few times when he was riding around on his bike. I liked him and I liked his music. He was always wearing headphones, jamming to some new death metal band as he rode by.

"Hey, you wanna listen?" he asked as he rode up.

I was sitting on the trunk of my mom's car, smoking a cigarette and waiting for LG to finish her chores so she could come and hang out. "Sure," I smiled. Hey, he was cute. "Who is it today?"

"Today is some old stuff from Testament. You've heard of them, right?"

Of course I had heard of them. "Yeah," I nodded.

He dropped his bike and jumped up on the back of the car with me. He pulled one of the ear buds from his ear and passed it to me.
Jason wasn't like the other guys I had met from the neighborhood. He was nice, not cocky, and didn't push for anything other than to hangout with me every now and then. He was good looking, with a nice friendly smile, gorgeous blue eyes and long light brown hair that never looked messy. He respected my personal space and that is more than I could say for the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. Mostly we talked about music.

The sun was dropping fast and he was acting a little strange. He seemed nervous and a little out of his normal calm cool relaxed zone. He got down from the car and turned around.
"I was thinking," he almost whispered, "that maybe...maybe I could take you to the movies or something, sometime?" He stared down at the ground and rocked back and forth on his heels. For some reason, I found his actions completely hot.

"Yeah." I reached for the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. His rocking was pulling the ear bud away from me. "I'd like that," I grinned.

He was the first guy to ask me out without propositioning sex first. He was also my age. I liked him. So when he leaned in to kiss me, I let him. He was so nervous that it took all I had not to laugh. He stepped closer and moved a shaky hand over my leg as his other wrapped around my waist. It was the nicest, sweetest kiss I'd ever had from a guy.
I slid down from the car and he held onto me. He leaned back and smiled as he tucked my hair behind my ear. "I was sure you were going to say no."

I weighed his words. He pegged me right. Normally, I would have said no. And I probably would have decked him if he had tried to kiss me under any other circumstances. But, there was something about him that was different from the rest. He wasn't part of the drug scene I was in. He wasn't egotistical. He never made me feel uncomfortable around him. He was...better than the rest somehow and I wanted to be a part of that. Above the drugs and the loser life I had dropped myself in to. Maybe I thought that with him, I could get back to the nice clean fun and maybe back to good.

"I might have said no if you were anyone else," I admitted. "But you're all right," I smiled. I leaned back against the car and pulled him with me. He was a damn good kisser and I wanted more.

"Oh my God! I am not seeing this," LG yelled from her front yard.
I flicked her off and continued to kiss him.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked as she walked up beside us. "You're not one of us." Her voice was mean and loud.
"Fuck you, LG," I said. I put my hand against his chest and held him away from me a few inches. It was getting hot. "His name is Jason and who says I can't kiss someone that isn't one of us?"
LG shook her head and turned to face me. She put her hand on his shoulder and pushed him even farther away from me. "What about Rich?"

Whoa! She did not just say that. "Rich is a disgusting pig. There is nothing and never will be anything between us!"

Jason took a step back. "Maybe I better go."
I grabbed his shirt again and gave him another kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, looking from me to LG and then back at me. "Same time?"
I nodded and let him kiss me once more before he picked up his bike and rode off.

"What the fuck, LG?" I stepped up to her and gave her a shove. "Fuck Rich and those scum bag guys over there."

She looked surprised as she regained her footing and straightened up. She stepped in my face and raised her hands to shove me back. I brought my hands up on the inside and knocked her hands away. "The guys are gonna kick his ass if they see him hanging around you."
"Why the hell would they do that?" I stepped back and looked her over. "Sorry I pushed you."
She pulled out a pack of smokes and lit two. "I'll forgive you this time." She passed me one and jumped on the trunk of the car. "Look, Rich says you are his. If he sees," she pointed at Jason's back as he rode away, "him anywhere near you, he is going to beat the shit out of him."

The first thing that went through my head was why Rich would think something like that. I wasn't property and I sure as hell wasn't his girl. I barely ever spoke to him, even though he was hanging out at my house almost every night since he dropped me and LG off. But everyone was. And I never invited him. The second thing that crossed my mind was that Jason was no match for Rich.

"You're kidding me, LG. I'm not property. Especially not his. Who the fuck does he think he is?" I took a drag and let the smoke out slow. A few cars turned the corner and I recognized them as the gang starting to arrive. "I think its time I stop hanging out with these guys."

LG shook her head as she watched RM and Rich climb out of the car. "Impossible," she whispered.