Tainted Mistakes

I'm pretty sure that I have been subconsciously putting off the next Back Then entry because this next installment is where I made my first mistake when it comes to Rich. Its where I made the first step in changing my path and altering what I thought my life would be. But...as I said, no regrets. It all happened for a reason.

Back Then...

There were two reasons I was going to the last party of the summer. One was to see Sam and the other, to break up with Rich. God, I was fourteen and heading into my sophomore year. I didn't need a boyfriend. I was trying to get my life back in order. Clean up and start doing better in school. Something, anything but what I was doing. Wasting it.

LG was right on time as I waited at the corner, smoking a cigarette. "I knew you would be here," she grinned.

"Yeah, but its not how you think." I was confident in my words. I had my plan set.

I wasn't going to drink anything that wasn't sealed closed. I wasn't going to take anything that was offered. I was going to walk in, say hello's, and find the two people I wanted to see.
And so far, I was doing good. I was shocked when I ran into LL. She was a girl from my old neighborhood and we had went to middle school together. Feeling safe hanging with her, we talked about music and the old neighborhood for a while.

The old neighborhood brought up all those old feelings for MM. Mostly, it made me miss her to the point of feeling like a hallow shell. And after LL said she had to go, I made my first mistake. I went to the fridge and found something to drink thinking that anything in there was safe. I should have known better.

Sam found me before I found her and I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt or both or what. She pulled me out the back door and I couldn't have stopped her if I wanted to. Whatever I had ingested was just about to kick in and I was feeling good. Real good. And I hated myself for liking the feeling.

"What the hell did you do last night?" she asked. Her face, her lips were just an inch away and I wanted to taste them.
I shook my head because I really didn't know what I had done the night before and I was past the point of caring as I stared at her lips. "I'm not sure," I confessed. "What did I do?"

She cocked her head to the side as she really stared into my eyes. I was feeling dizzy and her eyes were like kaleidoscopes. She took my cup from my hand and downed half of it before she tossed the rest in the dirt. "You should know better, B. Everything in this place is tainted."

"I know but...I was thirsty," I laughed. Not so sure why it was funny but at that moment everything amused me. Even the fact that I was sad.

She kissed me. It was nice and slow and intensified by the drug and I was sure that I was floating in the air or something. I remembered thinking that maybe I had wings but only when I was high because that's when I would let down all my guards and walls and relax and let the past go. Maybe.

"At first," she said as she trailed her fingers down the center of my chest, "I was mad that you said yes to Rich. I was hurt but really I had no right. So I was thinking," and now she was laughing because words were so amusing, "if you stay going out with him, I will see you all the time."

"Can't," I said. I shook my head as far as I could from side to side. "I hate him."

"Well, I hate BG too. They will just be a front so we don't get caught."

I thought about that. Get caught doing what? Oh, kissing. I didn't care about getting caught doing that, I think. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't want people to think that I was a lesbian. Or did I? I was confused and fucked up and this is where I made my second mistake.

"So, I stay going out with Rich and you stay going out with BG and then we can...we can what?" I asked.

Sam's lips were so damn soft and she was such a good kisser and so damn beautiful that it hurt and I think I wanted her a lot more than I ever admitted to myself. She could have conned me into giving her everything I had at that moment. Fucking drugs. Fucking women.

"Then we can hang out together and no one will ever think a thing. And LG, she can hang out with RM and no one will ever think a thing." She kissed me again and I was convinced.

I never once thought that maybe Sam and LG had some kind of conspiracy thing going on. But I should of, even though I would have been wrong. But I might not have agreed if I had thought LG had anything to do with anything I made a decision about. I didn't trust her.

But, I was high and the decision was made. My third mistake...I didn't break up with Rich. I actually hung around with him that night like I actually liked him. I know I shocked a lot of people. I shocked myself, that's for sure. And that was the first step I took in the direction of my life of hell.