Thoughts/Things

I love my girl, I really do. AND she knows better than anyone else that thoughts are things in my world. You know, the whole you think it, so be it. Words I live by.

So this morning (note to the wise...I'm no good in the morning and a little on the grumpy side) she is getting ready to leave. She is going with her aunt to take her grandmother grocery shopping. The time: 10:30am = me in a really weird mood since I was woke up by my mom on the phone trying to get me to talk to my brother because...well if you didn't know by now, I am the doctor. (That is a post that will probably end up here later today.) On to my girl...

I'm standing in the bathroom wondering why my eyes are so damn red and J walks up to the doorway, puts both hands on the door frame and starts staring at her feet. She had asked me three times if I wanted to ride with her but I declined because its easier to write without distractions and J is a major distraction in every good way you can think of.

So she is standing there and without looking up at me, she says, "Tell me I'm silly."

Reminder: mornings = me...no good. I look at her like she's silly.

She looks up with a childish grin, the one that tells me she's embarrassed. "Just tell me I'm silly."

Its obvious that something is bothering her so I block out all my grumpiness and pull her into my arms. "What is it?" I asked as nice as I could.

"Just tell me I'm silly."

Now, I asked a direct question which I believed deserved a direct answer (told you I was grumpy) and I almost got mad BUT I didn't. I went with option two. "You're silly, baby. What's wrong?"

Remember...thoughts are things. And this is what she put in my head: She tells me that for the past month or two she has been getting a really bad feeling every time she is asked to go somewhere with someone else without me. She doesn't want to be in a car with someone else driving. So I told her the logical thing that popped into my brilliant brain, "Ask aunt if you can drive. I'm sure she won't mind."

It was good idea and it helped her feel better but she had to tell me the rest of what she was feeling. And I, of course, listened. She told me it started back when she was going to ride with her brother and his girlfriend to the store. They were fighting and she made them stop the car in the driveway and let her out because she kept picturing them fighting and getting in an accident.

Okay...so now I know that she is afraid to leave with someone else because she fears they will get in an accident while they are driving. Thoughts are things and fear is a bad thought/feeling. The reason I have no fear is because what you think about, you bring about and so on.

And then she says as I'm holding her and telling her that I love her, "I just don't want to leave you."

She's breaking my heart. *Insider info: What she means is that she doesn't want to get dead and leave me.

She asks me again if I want to ride with her and (I know this is going to make me look bad) I declined again. I still had to walk the dogs and her aunt was already waiting on her and I was still feeling grumpy and half of what J had said was still settling in my brain and...okay, I have every excuse that there is.

But I did tell her, "Baby, when you get to your aunts and if you still feel bad, call me to let me know you are coming to get me. I'll go with you if you feel you need me to go." So I wasn't mean or anything.

Kisses, hugs, I love you. She's out the door. I get the dogs a few minutes later and take them outside AND I hear sirens and they stop down in front of our house somewhere (I couldn't see through all the damn trees) and I have no vehicle (the driveway is over a quarter mile long and pretty steep) and J has no cell phone. I search for the aunts number and the grandmother's number and call. No answer.

Now I am feeling like shit because I didn't go when I knew she wanted me to. I deserve it. But I can't let her fear get to me. I have to believe that she is fine and she is safe because if I start thinking the other way, I will drive myself nuts. (Which I already am since I'm writing all this.) Fuck!