This isn't new but its not that old.
In a conversation with my mother some months back, she had asked me to draw Jesus and young Bob Seger. I did both.
So here is Bob. Done in charcoal.
Contemplative
8 years ago
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mom. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The thinker
"They want me to be a breeder. Not a thinker. Not a leader." Otep Shamaya ~ Def Poetry Jam ~ From "Dedicated To My Enemy" (Video at the bottom)
I was tagged in one of those "All about me" questionnaires on Facebook. And that line above was part of one of my answers.
Well, that brought on all kinds of thoughts about my parents and the way I was raised.
They didn't raise me to be a breeder. They raised me to be an individual. They raised me to be independent. They raised me to make my own choices and live with the consequences. They raised me to be strong and wise, kind and generous, understanding and compassionate. Maybe I shouldn't say "they" because really, it was just my mom for the most part.
It is true, my dad wasn't the greatest of fathers. There are things that I will never be able to speak of and things that I wish I could forget.
But on the other hand, there are a few things that, when I think back, make me smile. Like going to the beach late at night with my parents. Dad and I digging in the sand, making tunnels. And when Dad signed me up for MX racing and told me not to tell Mom. And how he was so proud of me when I was asked to be on TM Race Team, earning my spot along side of the guys. And the day he brought me my first acoustic guitar. A full size red Palmer that I still have and is as good as new. And the day he gave me my first pieces of jewelry. A gold necklace with a crucifix charm and a St. Christopher charm, (just like his) that up until a few years ago, I wore everyday of my life.
When I decided to come out, I told him first. My reasoning was cold - I told him because he was my crash test dummy, so to speak. I didn't care if our relationship was ruined and he disowned me. His reaction would determine on whether or not I came out to anyone else.
And my mom. She might not have liked the fact that I was such a tomboy. She would cringe when I told her of things I did or was planning to do. You should have seen her face the day I came home telling her all about the monster size concrete pools I was skateboarding in, or when I told her that I cleared the doubles on my ATC with no hands, or when I told her about getting the Camaro under 11 seconds in the quarter mile. She hated it because of fear that I would be injured or worse - but she never told me I couldn't do it. She would just encourage me to do other things too. Like drawing and painting and writing. My first dream journals came from her. Or my music. My first electric guitar and practice amp (both I still have) came from her.
Neither one of them tried to force me into dresses. They didn't take away my Tonka toys and Hot Wheels and exchange them for Barbies. They didn't make me ride the pink bike with the girly bar. They loved me and let me be me - the person I am today.
I guess my point is...my parents (mom) didn't raise me to be a girl that was to grow up and be a housewife with 2.5 kids and commit/submit to a man that I would call my husband. They raised me to be what ever I wanted to be. They raised me to be a thinker, a leader, completely at ease and in support of my androgyny and my gender-bending-rule-breaking ways. They always supported my ideals...how a girl could do what a guy could do and, at times, even better and how I really COULD do anything. There was never "girls can't do that" or "why don't you play with dolls instead." There was never "I don't think you can or should."
I have my good days and my bad ones. Sometimes I'm contradicting. Maybe even hypocritical and ignorant, but that's okay. That just means I'm human.
No...I was lucky and I am thankful for this every single day. Because of this I am: an artist, a musician, a writer, a dreamer, a dare-devil risk taker, a fearless competitor, a speaker, a seeker, never a follower/always a leader, a friend, a listener, an adventurer, a partner, a lover, a fighter. I stand up for what I believe in. I am ME and I don't want to be YOU or anyone else.
Thanks for listening...
I was tagged in one of those "All about me" questionnaires on Facebook. And that line above was part of one of my answers.
Well, that brought on all kinds of thoughts about my parents and the way I was raised.
They didn't raise me to be a breeder. They raised me to be an individual. They raised me to be independent. They raised me to make my own choices and live with the consequences. They raised me to be strong and wise, kind and generous, understanding and compassionate. Maybe I shouldn't say "they" because really, it was just my mom for the most part.
It is true, my dad wasn't the greatest of fathers. There are things that I will never be able to speak of and things that I wish I could forget.
But on the other hand, there are a few things that, when I think back, make me smile. Like going to the beach late at night with my parents. Dad and I digging in the sand, making tunnels. And when Dad signed me up for MX racing and told me not to tell Mom. And how he was so proud of me when I was asked to be on TM Race Team, earning my spot along side of the guys. And the day he brought me my first acoustic guitar. A full size red Palmer that I still have and is as good as new. And the day he gave me my first pieces of jewelry. A gold necklace with a crucifix charm and a St. Christopher charm, (just like his) that up until a few years ago, I wore everyday of my life.
When I decided to come out, I told him first. My reasoning was cold - I told him because he was my crash test dummy, so to speak. I didn't care if our relationship was ruined and he disowned me. His reaction would determine on whether or not I came out to anyone else.
And my mom. She might not have liked the fact that I was such a tomboy. She would cringe when I told her of things I did or was planning to do. You should have seen her face the day I came home telling her all about the monster size concrete pools I was skateboarding in, or when I told her that I cleared the doubles on my ATC with no hands, or when I told her about getting the Camaro under 11 seconds in the quarter mile. She hated it because of fear that I would be injured or worse - but she never told me I couldn't do it. She would just encourage me to do other things too. Like drawing and painting and writing. My first dream journals came from her. Or my music. My first electric guitar and practice amp (both I still have) came from her.
Neither one of them tried to force me into dresses. They didn't take away my Tonka toys and Hot Wheels and exchange them for Barbies. They didn't make me ride the pink bike with the girly bar. They loved me and let me be me - the person I am today.
I guess my point is...my parents (mom) didn't raise me to be a girl that was to grow up and be a housewife with 2.5 kids and commit/submit to a man that I would call my husband. They raised me to be what ever I wanted to be. They raised me to be a thinker, a leader, completely at ease and in support of my androgyny and my gender-bending-rule-breaking ways. They always supported my ideals...how a girl could do what a guy could do and, at times, even better and how I really COULD do anything. There was never "girls can't do that" or "why don't you play with dolls instead." There was never "I don't think you can or should."
I have my good days and my bad ones. Sometimes I'm contradicting. Maybe even hypocritical and ignorant, but that's okay. That just means I'm human.
No...I was lucky and I am thankful for this every single day. Because of this I am: an artist, a musician, a writer, a dreamer, a dare-devil risk taker, a fearless competitor, a speaker, a seeker, never a follower/always a leader, a friend, a listener, an adventurer, a partner, a lover, a fighter. I stand up for what I believe in. I am ME and I don't want to be YOU or anyone else.
Thanks for listening...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Done with home
I think I'll sum up the rest of my Florida trip tonight.
Mom was looking much better than the last time I saw her. She looked a little thinner but not unhealthy. It pained me to find out she was taking medications for her nerves and to sleep. But, staying at her house with her husband and my brother, I understand why she has to take them.
When my brother got out of jail and came back to her house, the entire vibe of the house changed. For some reason, it seems our step father has some kind of deep hate for my brother. I don't really get it but I never realized how bad it was until I was living with it. Honestly, I'm surprised my mom's not an alcoholic.
Anyhow, I was glad to be there. I now know what my brother has been trying to tell me for the last year. Step dad isn't the "great guy" he tried to trick us all into believing he was.
So me and my brother tried to keep Mom out of the house and away from his negative rampages. We took her to Border's and relaxed. We went shopping with her at the mall. We spent time with just her and it seemed to make her more at ease.
Sadly, I fear for my Mom's life. It feels kind of silly typing that out but I have to say it somewhere. The scary part is that my brother feels the same way. When I found that out, I had to say something to Mom. I think it upset her that we felt that way. She explained that she wasn't upset with me and Bud, but that she was upset that her husband made us feel that way. But then she said that she is in no way afraid of her husband. I have to just trust that for now. But I made my brother promise that if he ever saw step dad get crazy that he would make Mom leave. Fuck the house and the cars, her life is much more important.
Dad has proved that...well, he really isn't much of a dad. I was finally able to get him to hang out with us one night. We (me, Bud, KC and her husband) met up with him at a bar that he usually plays darts at. He was cool, bought us all drinks, and then kicked in with telling us all about the things that he's been doing with his new family. Usually, I don't mind listening, but watching my brothers face fill with pain sucked. It felt like Dad was rubbing it all in my bro's face. All the things that my brother wanted to do with Dad and Dad never showed up for, Dad is now doing with his youngest two kids. Simple things like fishing, camping, sports and such. I was waiting for my brother to explode on our dad. It must have taken Bud a lot of will power to keep from shoving Dad's cell phone down his throat.
Anyway, I wanted to see my step mom and two younger siblings before I left Florida. Since I was unable to drive (surgery) I told Dad to just come and pick me up one weekend or something. Well, it came down to the last night I was in town and I called. He said he'd pick me up. I waited, and waited, and waited...like usual. I was shocked when he finally did call (he usually just doesn't show and calls a few weeks later). Same old excuses and I pretty much said whatever. Typical Dad.
So I didn't get to see my youngest brother and sister. I didn't get to see my other sister either but that was because she lived three hours north of where I was and wasn't able to take a day off of work. I didn't bother trying to see my aunt and uncle (for reasons I won't bother to explain.)
But like I said before...I got to see and hang out with the people that count.
Mom
Bro
My nieces
KC
BM
My God-daughter and her brother
And the girls from the CLC!
I love all of you and miss you like mad.
Mom was looking much better than the last time I saw her. She looked a little thinner but not unhealthy. It pained me to find out she was taking medications for her nerves and to sleep. But, staying at her house with her husband and my brother, I understand why she has to take them.
When my brother got out of jail and came back to her house, the entire vibe of the house changed. For some reason, it seems our step father has some kind of deep hate for my brother. I don't really get it but I never realized how bad it was until I was living with it. Honestly, I'm surprised my mom's not an alcoholic.
Anyhow, I was glad to be there. I now know what my brother has been trying to tell me for the last year. Step dad isn't the "great guy" he tried to trick us all into believing he was.
So me and my brother tried to keep Mom out of the house and away from his negative rampages. We took her to Border's and relaxed. We went shopping with her at the mall. We spent time with just her and it seemed to make her more at ease.
Sadly, I fear for my Mom's life. It feels kind of silly typing that out but I have to say it somewhere. The scary part is that my brother feels the same way. When I found that out, I had to say something to Mom. I think it upset her that we felt that way. She explained that she wasn't upset with me and Bud, but that she was upset that her husband made us feel that way. But then she said that she is in no way afraid of her husband. I have to just trust that for now. But I made my brother promise that if he ever saw step dad get crazy that he would make Mom leave. Fuck the house and the cars, her life is much more important.
Dad has proved that...well, he really isn't much of a dad. I was finally able to get him to hang out with us one night. We (me, Bud, KC and her husband) met up with him at a bar that he usually plays darts at. He was cool, bought us all drinks, and then kicked in with telling us all about the things that he's been doing with his new family. Usually, I don't mind listening, but watching my brothers face fill with pain sucked. It felt like Dad was rubbing it all in my bro's face. All the things that my brother wanted to do with Dad and Dad never showed up for, Dad is now doing with his youngest two kids. Simple things like fishing, camping, sports and such. I was waiting for my brother to explode on our dad. It must have taken Bud a lot of will power to keep from shoving Dad's cell phone down his throat.
Anyway, I wanted to see my step mom and two younger siblings before I left Florida. Since I was unable to drive (surgery) I told Dad to just come and pick me up one weekend or something. Well, it came down to the last night I was in town and I called. He said he'd pick me up. I waited, and waited, and waited...like usual. I was shocked when he finally did call (he usually just doesn't show and calls a few weeks later). Same old excuses and I pretty much said whatever. Typical Dad.
So I didn't get to see my youngest brother and sister. I didn't get to see my other sister either but that was because she lived three hours north of where I was and wasn't able to take a day off of work. I didn't bother trying to see my aunt and uncle (for reasons I won't bother to explain.)
But like I said before...I got to see and hang out with the people that count.
Mom
Bro
My nieces
KC
BM
My God-daughter and her brother
And the girls from the CLC!
I love all of you and miss you like mad.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Family time
I think I finally caught up on all the blogs I've been reading. It only took me five days...hmph.
One of the best things about my Florida trip was being able to take my mom and two nieces to Sea World. It was a trip of firsts for my nieces. Their first road trip without their parents. Their first time staying at a hotel. And the most important first...their first time at Sea World. And I got to be a part of that.
The trip started off a little bumpy. Silly got sick after a dinner stop at Cracker Barrel. So, instead of a three hour drive, it ended up being a six hour drive. But everything turned towards good when we got to the hotel. Honestly, it was one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed at.
We were on the eighth floor and Silly and Boo ran to the window to look out over the city lights and were speechless when they saw Sea World below. Yeah, the hotel was right in front of the place. After a round of showers and a million questions about what they would see the next day, the girls finally fell asleep.
The alarm went off early. Silly was out of bed and dressed for the day but Boo was a little slower. She's actually a little grumpy in the morning. She must get that from my bro. We skipped a sit down breakfast and opted for the breakfast bars mom supplied as we waited for the bus that would take us to the park. The girls were on the edge of their seats and I think I was just as excited knowing that they were going to have a great day with the ocean life they had been learning about in school.
Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed on the new roller coaster, Manta, or any of the other rides at Sea World. My recent surgery and the boot on my leg hindered my adrenaline fix. I tried to convince Mom to take the girls on at least one of the coasters but there was no way in hell. But she did take them on some of the kiddie rides. (Shhh...but I think she had more fun on those rides than the girls.)
We got to pet the dolphins and stingrays. We walked through the shark tunnel (Silly's fave). Checked out the penguins and the girls got splashed by Shamu. We watched some cool shows and the girls learned the difference between a penguin and a puffin. We had a great time and it didn't rain on us until right before we left.
Memorable snapshots:
Silly's face on the giant crab ride.
Mom riding a giant Dori fish on the carousel and the smile on her face that I haven't seen in years.
Boo, when the fish in the stingray petting area splashed her.
The look of shock when the ice cold water that Shamu splashed on the girls soaked them completely. Boo actually stood and started to run.
Eating lunch and listening to the girls talk about how much fun they were having.
But the trophy goes to.....an amazing stress free day for my family filled with smiles and laughter.
When we got back to the hotel, the girls went swimming...pretending to be the sea life they had met earlier that day. Then we had a great dinner at the hotel restaurant. To complete the great day, we watched Sea World's firework show from our hotel window. Really cool.
One of the best things about my Florida trip was being able to take my mom and two nieces to Sea World. It was a trip of firsts for my nieces. Their first road trip without their parents. Their first time staying at a hotel. And the most important first...their first time at Sea World. And I got to be a part of that.
The trip started off a little bumpy. Silly got sick after a dinner stop at Cracker Barrel. So, instead of a three hour drive, it ended up being a six hour drive. But everything turned towards good when we got to the hotel. Honestly, it was one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed at.
We were on the eighth floor and Silly and Boo ran to the window to look out over the city lights and were speechless when they saw Sea World below. Yeah, the hotel was right in front of the place. After a round of showers and a million questions about what they would see the next day, the girls finally fell asleep.
The alarm went off early. Silly was out of bed and dressed for the day but Boo was a little slower. She's actually a little grumpy in the morning. She must get that from my bro. We skipped a sit down breakfast and opted for the breakfast bars mom supplied as we waited for the bus that would take us to the park. The girls were on the edge of their seats and I think I was just as excited knowing that they were going to have a great day with the ocean life they had been learning about in school.
Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed on the new roller coaster, Manta, or any of the other rides at Sea World. My recent surgery and the boot on my leg hindered my adrenaline fix. I tried to convince Mom to take the girls on at least one of the coasters but there was no way in hell. But she did take them on some of the kiddie rides. (Shhh...but I think she had more fun on those rides than the girls.)
We got to pet the dolphins and stingrays. We walked through the shark tunnel (Silly's fave). Checked out the penguins and the girls got splashed by Shamu. We watched some cool shows and the girls learned the difference between a penguin and a puffin. We had a great time and it didn't rain on us until right before we left.
Memorable snapshots:
Silly's face on the giant crab ride.
Mom riding a giant Dori fish on the carousel and the smile on her face that I haven't seen in years.
Boo, when the fish in the stingray petting area splashed her.
The look of shock when the ice cold water that Shamu splashed on the girls soaked them completely. Boo actually stood and started to run.
Eating lunch and listening to the girls talk about how much fun they were having.
But the trophy goes to.....an amazing stress free day for my family filled with smiles and laughter.
When we got back to the hotel, the girls went swimming...pretending to be the sea life they had met earlier that day. Then we had a great dinner at the hotel restaurant. To complete the great day, we watched Sea World's firework show from our hotel window. Really cool.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Competing with a cartoon?
Gotta love south Florida weather! I'm not being sarcastic either. One minute - beautiful sun - next minute - wicked thunderstorms. That is one thing there isn't a lot of in north Georgia...thunderstorms.
Friends and family have been keeping me pretty busy down here. I've been spending more time at the ocean than I thought I would be. Saturday, me, KC, Stephro, and Stephro's family went out on Stephro's boat. I so wanted to go for a swim in that beautiful ocean but I was sure that with this cast on my leg that I would sink. But DAMN was I tempted. I've got this water proof boot to cover the cast and all but still. Besides, Stephro wouldn't let me and KC threatened to tell J...my friends are wicked sometimes.
Sunday, I went school clothes shopping with my family. It was weird being pushed around the mall in a wheel chair by my mom. When I finally got away from her for a moment, me and my brother contemplated how I could go down the escalator in the chair. I was sure I had it figured out but Mom busted us and scolded us for even thinking about it. I felt like I was five but laughed my ass off because Mom was on the verge of laughing the entire time she was giving us the third degree.
Last night, two of my nieces spent the night. Somewhere around 11:00pm, they knocked on my bedroom door and asked if they could come in. Monster, the 3 year old, was so cute. She asked if she could draw on my boo boo again. I couldn't refuse. Silly, the 8 year old, drew some too.
After they wreaked havoc on my cast, they climbed up in bed with me and we all compared scars. Monster thought her mosquito bites were scars and Silly has as many scars as I do. Most of them won't stay scars though. She's a bit of a tomboy - like me - and has accumulated a few scratches this summer. I was surprised that she could remember how she got each and every one of those scratches.
They were going to stay and "camp out" in my room, but when they found out that the TV in my room didn't pick up the channel for Sponge Bob, they quickly excused themselves and told me goodnight. I think I might be a little offended that they picked a cartoon over hanging out with me...lol.
But they both made it up to me before they left today. I got TWO...yes TWO...get well drawings from them. (Silly drew Sponge Bob's face on one of them though.) I'm gonna miss them when I go home.
Friends and family have been keeping me pretty busy down here. I've been spending more time at the ocean than I thought I would be. Saturday, me, KC, Stephro, and Stephro's family went out on Stephro's boat. I so wanted to go for a swim in that beautiful ocean but I was sure that with this cast on my leg that I would sink. But DAMN was I tempted. I've got this water proof boot to cover the cast and all but still. Besides, Stephro wouldn't let me and KC threatened to tell J...my friends are wicked sometimes.
Sunday, I went school clothes shopping with my family. It was weird being pushed around the mall in a wheel chair by my mom. When I finally got away from her for a moment, me and my brother contemplated how I could go down the escalator in the chair. I was sure I had it figured out but Mom busted us and scolded us for even thinking about it. I felt like I was five but laughed my ass off because Mom was on the verge of laughing the entire time she was giving us the third degree.
Last night, two of my nieces spent the night. Somewhere around 11:00pm, they knocked on my bedroom door and asked if they could come in. Monster, the 3 year old, was so cute. She asked if she could draw on my boo boo again. I couldn't refuse. Silly, the 8 year old, drew some too.
After they wreaked havoc on my cast, they climbed up in bed with me and we all compared scars. Monster thought her mosquito bites were scars and Silly has as many scars as I do. Most of them won't stay scars though. She's a bit of a tomboy - like me - and has accumulated a few scratches this summer. I was surprised that she could remember how she got each and every one of those scratches.
They were going to stay and "camp out" in my room, but when they found out that the TV in my room didn't pick up the channel for Sponge Bob, they quickly excused themselves and told me goodnight. I think I might be a little offended that they picked a cartoon over hanging out with me...lol.
But they both made it up to me before they left today. I got TWO...yes TWO...get well drawings from them. (Silly drew Sponge Bob's face on one of them though.) I'm gonna miss them when I go home.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Learning
Things I've learned since I've been back in Ft. Lauderdale...
I have the greatest friends and Mom and Step-dad in the world!
Foot surgery...sucks.
Passing out in front of your mom and having her try to catch you before your head smacks the concrete and her failing because you out weigh her and she breaks her fingernail off in your arm is quite painful.
Never go to the courthouse if you are on crutches because its pretty much guaranteed that you will have to walk about three miles to get to the room you need to be in and the crutches will give you blood blisters on each hand and make you feel like you have the shoulders of a football player.
No matter what the mood is of the people that surround me, its a given that I will make them laugh somehow and that will change their mood for the rest of the day for the better.
Taking a shower with your right leg in a cast is NOT easy! (Unless you are a ballerina...lol...which I'm not.)
Its nearly impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep with ten pillows under your heavy, casted leg and your toes keep going numb.
It is totally impossible to have a great morning stretch with a cast and god-only-knows-how-many stitches under that cast. (You wake up real fast!)
I am such an independent person. Mom knows this and is always the first to point it out to me. So this cast thing is driving me nuts. I can't go in the kitchen and fend for myself because, with the crutches, I can't carry anything. Moving around the house is getting a bit easier. Mom has been pretty inventive and has came up with a few good ideas to help me out when I'm at the house by myself. My favorite so far is her filling up water bottles with super sweet crack tea and leaving them in the fridge. I can easily stuff a bottle in my pocket and take it around with me where ever I go. Two thumbs up on that one because I was getting tired of drinking water.
In other news...my incarcerated brother got sprung yesterday. We went to his bond hearing. Man, the state attorney was hell bent on getting any possible money she could out of us to get him out. It was a surprise to all of us when my bro's attorney called my mom up as a witness or something. Mom handled it like a pro and the judge let my bro go without us having to pay a dime. Mom rocks...I just hope my brother starts to appreciate her for all she has done for us.
I had a talk with him last night. He made all kinds of promises that I've heard from his mouth at least a million times. I can only pray that he means them this time. I did point out to him that what he has been doing is slowly killing our mother. I mean, God, she has to take all kinds of medications now...for her nerves, for stress, for sleep. It sucks and I know its because my brother makes her worry so fucking much. I don't know...I'll just keep my fingers crossed that he will change his ways and Mom will get back to good.
My buddy, my pal, KC has been hanging out with me whenever she can. Its really great the way we picked up our friendship like we weren't out of touch for 16 years. I didn't realize how much I missed her friendship until I actually saw her again. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that happen again.
Last but not least...The CLC girls.
Star, Walker, Bruiser, Peace, Dimes, and Candy...you gals are fucking hilarious. Thank you, thank you very much for such a great time last night. It was so great to see Ash and Candy sober. Lani, WELCOME to the circus! Fair warning though...you hurt my girl Dimes and I break your arms...lol. Hey...I think Lani earned a nickname last night...Animal. It suits her.
I absolutely and completely miss J. I swear its like I'm missing a vital organ or something. Kind of like I'm lost in the dark too. Crazy.
Pictures and wild and crazy stories will soon be posted.
I have the greatest friends and Mom and Step-dad in the world!
Foot surgery...sucks.
Passing out in front of your mom and having her try to catch you before your head smacks the concrete and her failing because you out weigh her and she breaks her fingernail off in your arm is quite painful.
Never go to the courthouse if you are on crutches because its pretty much guaranteed that you will have to walk about three miles to get to the room you need to be in and the crutches will give you blood blisters on each hand and make you feel like you have the shoulders of a football player.
No matter what the mood is of the people that surround me, its a given that I will make them laugh somehow and that will change their mood for the rest of the day for the better.
Taking a shower with your right leg in a cast is NOT easy! (Unless you are a ballerina...lol...which I'm not.)
Its nearly impossible to find a comfortable position to sleep with ten pillows under your heavy, casted leg and your toes keep going numb.
It is totally impossible to have a great morning stretch with a cast and god-only-knows-how-many stitches under that cast. (You wake up real fast!)
I am such an independent person. Mom knows this and is always the first to point it out to me. So this cast thing is driving me nuts. I can't go in the kitchen and fend for myself because, with the crutches, I can't carry anything. Moving around the house is getting a bit easier. Mom has been pretty inventive and has came up with a few good ideas to help me out when I'm at the house by myself. My favorite so far is her filling up water bottles with super sweet crack tea and leaving them in the fridge. I can easily stuff a bottle in my pocket and take it around with me where ever I go. Two thumbs up on that one because I was getting tired of drinking water.
In other news...my incarcerated brother got sprung yesterday. We went to his bond hearing. Man, the state attorney was hell bent on getting any possible money she could out of us to get him out. It was a surprise to all of us when my bro's attorney called my mom up as a witness or something. Mom handled it like a pro and the judge let my bro go without us having to pay a dime. Mom rocks...I just hope my brother starts to appreciate her for all she has done for us.
I had a talk with him last night. He made all kinds of promises that I've heard from his mouth at least a million times. I can only pray that he means them this time. I did point out to him that what he has been doing is slowly killing our mother. I mean, God, she has to take all kinds of medications now...for her nerves, for stress, for sleep. It sucks and I know its because my brother makes her worry so fucking much. I don't know...I'll just keep my fingers crossed that he will change his ways and Mom will get back to good.
My buddy, my pal, KC has been hanging out with me whenever she can. Its really great the way we picked up our friendship like we weren't out of touch for 16 years. I didn't realize how much I missed her friendship until I actually saw her again. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that happen again.
Last but not least...The CLC girls.
Star, Walker, Bruiser, Peace, Dimes, and Candy...you gals are fucking hilarious. Thank you, thank you very much for such a great time last night. It was so great to see Ash and Candy sober. Lani, WELCOME to the circus! Fair warning though...you hurt my girl Dimes and I break your arms...lol. Hey...I think Lani earned a nickname last night...Animal. It suits her.
I absolutely and completely miss J. I swear its like I'm missing a vital organ or something. Kind of like I'm lost in the dark too. Crazy.
Pictures and wild and crazy stories will soon be posted.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Letter to Mom-its only fair
Because neither of them should be off the hook here...
To Mom,
You call me your angel. Your beautiful independent angel...if you only knew.
I'm independent because I've always had to be. And I'm an angel because I hid all the bad from you so that you wouldn't have another nervous breakdown. Yeah...I'm that kind of angel. Maybe you should call me your magician. Because I always find some how to make it all disappear. Not this time.
You are not so innocent even though I always make you out to be. You see, ever since I can remember, you have given my brother everything he has ever asked for. You have made him so dependant on you that he EXPECTS you to pay his bills, take care of his kids, and pretty much wipe his ass. I know it sounds harsh, and I've told you to cut him off a million times but you always give me the same excuse. "I can't let my grand kids go without."
I understand that. But my brother is not your grand kid. He is a leech that is sucking all of your retirement money out of your pockets. Every time you call me, you remind me of this. And I'm glad you are finally angry. You should have been angry at him from the first time he fucked up. From the first time he called you from jail, crying. You should have hung up. (Did you ever think that if you left him in there the first time that maybe he would have gotten the help he needed...way back then?)
And its true...I have never asked you for one single thing. No money, no free housing, nothing. Even when my life fell apart and turned to ash, I didn't ask you for help. Even if you weren't supporting my brother, his wife, and three kids...I still wouldn't have asked. The worst part...if I would have asked, you wouldn't have heard me anyway. Hell, no one heard me because you were all too busy unloading all of your problems on me.
I don't mind you calling me to vent. But when you try to tell me that its my responsibility to tell my father how big of a piece of shit he is, I think you are wrong. I didn't marry him. I didn't breed with him. And my brother has a voice of his own. And so do you. I know you hate him, so does he, but if you really want to tell him how bad he fucked up his sons life, don't go through me. You tell him or let my brother tell him but don't tell me that I HAVE to tell him.
You really want to know the truth behind me moving 700 miles away...I had to get away from all of you. You all drive me crazy. From your complaints about supporting my brother and having no money, to my brothers middle of the night calls of suicide threats, all the way to the blame game between you and my dad. I had to get as far away as I could for my own sanity. It only half worked. All the drama and craziness followed me through the phone lines. But at least its not constant.
Truth is...dad isn't to blame for Bud. You aren't to blame for him either. I know, for sure, that its not my fault. The only one to blame for his actions is HIM. He is the soul creator of his universe. He is responsible for his decisions. He's weak. And that has nothing to do with any of us.
So please...stop complaining that its ALL my dads fault. And stop telling me what I need to do about it. Because I'm not doing it this time. Its not my turn to fight my brothers battles. All of you need to learn to speak for yourselves because I just lost my voice.
Fair warning...if you bail him out this time, I'll wash my hands of all of you. Its only fair.
To Mom,
You call me your angel. Your beautiful independent angel...if you only knew.
I'm independent because I've always had to be. And I'm an angel because I hid all the bad from you so that you wouldn't have another nervous breakdown. Yeah...I'm that kind of angel. Maybe you should call me your magician. Because I always find some how to make it all disappear. Not this time.
You are not so innocent even though I always make you out to be. You see, ever since I can remember, you have given my brother everything he has ever asked for. You have made him so dependant on you that he EXPECTS you to pay his bills, take care of his kids, and pretty much wipe his ass. I know it sounds harsh, and I've told you to cut him off a million times but you always give me the same excuse. "I can't let my grand kids go without."
I understand that. But my brother is not your grand kid. He is a leech that is sucking all of your retirement money out of your pockets. Every time you call me, you remind me of this. And I'm glad you are finally angry. You should have been angry at him from the first time he fucked up. From the first time he called you from jail, crying. You should have hung up. (Did you ever think that if you left him in there the first time that maybe he would have gotten the help he needed...way back then?)
And its true...I have never asked you for one single thing. No money, no free housing, nothing. Even when my life fell apart and turned to ash, I didn't ask you for help. Even if you weren't supporting my brother, his wife, and three kids...I still wouldn't have asked. The worst part...if I would have asked, you wouldn't have heard me anyway. Hell, no one heard me because you were all too busy unloading all of your problems on me.
I don't mind you calling me to vent. But when you try to tell me that its my responsibility to tell my father how big of a piece of shit he is, I think you are wrong. I didn't marry him. I didn't breed with him. And my brother has a voice of his own. And so do you. I know you hate him, so does he, but if you really want to tell him how bad he fucked up his sons life, don't go through me. You tell him or let my brother tell him but don't tell me that I HAVE to tell him.
You really want to know the truth behind me moving 700 miles away...I had to get away from all of you. You all drive me crazy. From your complaints about supporting my brother and having no money, to my brothers middle of the night calls of suicide threats, all the way to the blame game between you and my dad. I had to get as far away as I could for my own sanity. It only half worked. All the drama and craziness followed me through the phone lines. But at least its not constant.
Truth is...dad isn't to blame for Bud. You aren't to blame for him either. I know, for sure, that its not my fault. The only one to blame for his actions is HIM. He is the soul creator of his universe. He is responsible for his decisions. He's weak. And that has nothing to do with any of us.
So please...stop complaining that its ALL my dads fault. And stop telling me what I need to do about it. Because I'm not doing it this time. Its not my turn to fight my brothers battles. All of you need to learn to speak for yourselves because I just lost my voice.
Fair warning...if you bail him out this time, I'll wash my hands of all of you. Its only fair.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Easter
Holidays are always hard without my family. Its like, nothing feels right. Christmas sucked!
This holiday was livable. J has a huge family and they all live right here. So a get together for them is as easy as a phone call and a short drive (or walk for some). I have to admit, I've been a part of her life for eight years and I still couldn't name half of the people in her family. BUT...neither can she!
Easter wouldn't be complete without little kids. The ever-famous Easter egg hunt that is a must. Just to watch the kids excitement as they find the well hidden eggs - in the plant, on the fence, in the thick of the grass - and the way they proudly display their find in the air above them. I took pictures of their hunt and captured Lexi as she found her first egg. She was so damn cute. Each egg she found, she held it up and said, "Wook! Wook!" I laughed the entire time.
When we got home, my mom called from Florida. I talked with my nieces about what the Easter Bunny had brought them. Earrings and candy. My oldest niece boasted about finding the golden egg and how there was money in it. She raked in $13 on her hunting adventure. I asked her to buy me something with it and send it to me. She said, "Its not enough. If I buy you a gift, I want it to be $100. But it might be too heavy to send, then."
Their little "I love you's" made my heart miss them more and it hurt to know I missed hanging out with them and playing "Use your imagination" laying in my moms back yard and staring at the clouds. And I didn't get to chase little Ella around with the tickle bug. And...for the first year, I didn't get to hide those eggs for them.
Sometimes, its the little things you miss the most.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Jesus?
I just got off the phone with my mom. So when she asked what I had been up to, I told her I'd been drawing again. So she asked me to send them to her.
me: Even the one of the girl that's in the bikini?
mom: Yeah, of course.
me: Okay.
I sent her the pictures I posted in here. All of them. She was at work, so she printed them out. As her friends passed her desk, they stopped and commented on my work...which my mom is now plastering to the walls of her office. She says she wanted to make me a gallery. Hmmm...
She asked me what my process was when I draw. Long story short...I just have to have a picture and, well...its that easy for me. Some area's are tougher than others (hands) but usually I can make my drawing look pretty close to what I see. Although, sometimes its a challenge with color photo's.
mom: So you can draw anything from a picture?
me: Yeah, pretty much.
mom: Will you draw something for me?
me: Uh, sure. Who or what would you like?
mom: Jesus.
me: Jesus? (Not what I was expecting from her, so I was in a bit of shock.)
mom: Jesus. What? You don't draw Jesus?
me: Uh, no. Not that. I just figured you would say something like Brad Pitt.
mom: Nope. Jesus. And Bob Seger...back when he was young with his long brown hair and thick mustache.
I see the pattern here.
Last year sometime, I took her to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Broward Center for Performing Arts. It was a great show. She loves Ted Neeley, so I think I will find a pic of him as Jesus.
I better find my muse fast.
me: Even the one of the girl that's in the bikini?
mom: Yeah, of course.
me: Okay.
I sent her the pictures I posted in here. All of them. She was at work, so she printed them out. As her friends passed her desk, they stopped and commented on my work...which my mom is now plastering to the walls of her office. She says she wanted to make me a gallery. Hmmm...
She asked me what my process was when I draw. Long story short...I just have to have a picture and, well...its that easy for me. Some area's are tougher than others (hands) but usually I can make my drawing look pretty close to what I see. Although, sometimes its a challenge with color photo's.
mom: So you can draw anything from a picture?
me: Yeah, pretty much.
mom: Will you draw something for me?
me: Uh, sure. Who or what would you like?
mom: Jesus.
me: Jesus? (Not what I was expecting from her, so I was in a bit of shock.)
mom: Jesus. What? You don't draw Jesus?
me: Uh, no. Not that. I just figured you would say something like Brad Pitt.
mom: Nope. Jesus. And Bob Seger...back when he was young with his long brown hair and thick mustache.
I see the pattern here.
Last year sometime, I took her to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Broward Center for Performing Arts. It was a great show. She loves Ted Neeley, so I think I will find a pic of him as Jesus.
I better find my muse fast.
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