The thinker

"They want me to be a breeder. Not a thinker. Not a leader." Otep Shamaya ~ Def Poetry Jam ~ From "Dedicated To My Enemy" (Video at the bottom)

I was tagged in one of those "All about me" questionnaires on Facebook. And that line above was part of one of my answers.

Well, that brought on all kinds of thoughts about my parents and the way I was raised.
They didn't raise me to be a breeder. They raised me to be an individual. They raised me to be independent. They raised me to make my own choices and live with the consequences. They raised me to be strong and wise, kind and generous, understanding and compassionate. Maybe I shouldn't say "they" because really, it was just my mom for the most part.
It is true, my dad wasn't the greatest of fathers. There are things that I will never be able to speak of and things that I wish I could forget.
But on the other hand, there are a few things that, when I think back, make me smile. Like going to the beach late at night with my parents. Dad and I digging in the sand, making tunnels. And when Dad signed me up for MX racing and told me not to tell Mom. And how he was so proud of me when I was asked to be on TM Race Team, earning my spot along side of the guys. And the day he brought me my first acoustic guitar. A full size red Palmer that I still have and is as good as new. And the day he gave me my first pieces of jewelry. A gold necklace with a crucifix charm and a St. Christopher charm, (just like his) that up until a few years ago, I wore everyday of my life.
When I decided to come out, I told him first. My reasoning was cold - I told him because he was my crash test dummy, so to speak. I didn't care if our relationship was ruined and he disowned me. His reaction would determine on whether or not I came out to anyone else.
And my mom. She might not have liked the fact that I was such a tomboy. She would cringe when I told her of things I did or was planning to do. You should have seen her face the day I came home telling her all about the monster size concrete pools I was skateboarding in, or when I told her that I cleared the doubles on my ATC with no hands, or when I told her about getting the Camaro under 11 seconds in the quarter mile. She hated it because of fear that I would be injured or worse - but she never told me I couldn't do it. She would just encourage me to do other things too. Like drawing and painting and writing. My first dream journals came from her. Or my music. My first electric guitar and practice amp (both I still have) came from her.

Neither one of them tried to force me into dresses. They didn't take away my Tonka toys and Hot Wheels and exchange them for Barbies. They didn't make me ride the pink bike with the girly bar. They loved me and let me be me - the person I am today.

I guess my point is...my parents (mom) didn't raise me to be a girl that was to grow up and be a housewife with 2.5 kids and commit/submit to a man that I would call my husband. They raised me to be what ever I wanted to be. They raised me to be a thinker, a leader, completely at ease and in support of my androgyny and my gender-bending-rule-breaking ways. They always supported my ideals...how a girl could do what a guy could do and, at times, even better and how I really COULD do anything. There was never "girls can't do that" or "why don't you play with dolls instead." There was never "I don't think you can or should."

I have my good days and my bad ones. Sometimes I'm contradicting. Maybe even hypocritical and ignorant, but that's okay. That just means I'm human.

No...I was lucky and I am thankful for this every single day. Because of this I am: an artist, a musician, a writer, a dreamer, a dare-devil risk taker, a fearless competitor, a speaker, a seeker, never a follower/always a leader, a friend, a listener, an adventurer, a partner, a lover, a fighter. I stand up for what I believe in. I am ME and I don't want to be YOU or anyone else.


Thanks for listening...