Saturday, October 31, 2009


Happy Samhain everyone. Happy Halloween for the rest of ya.

I hope you all have a festive, wonderful, scary, and safe night.

***CLC note***
All of you better stay at Starr's tonight. No drinking and driving. And thank you for all of your anniversary wishes. We both LYMY guys too.

Blessed be all you restless souls. Pictures will follow.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Live and die

I took her to a hockey game where we found 80 dollars and then out to show her Fort Lauderdale, Speed style. We talked by the ocean and walked the pier. We witnessed a stingray doing a ballet below us. But still, that night, we just talked until the sun came up.

Our time was short, or so we thought. I took her to dinner where we tossed peanut shells at each other and almost got kicked out. She met my brother (which didn't go so well) and ended up on the seawall behind my house.

It started as a slow dance, both of us being careful not to cross the imaginary lines too fast. Her hands, her body felt so good against mine. The shadow of her smile illuminated in the torch light. Those lips, I wanted them. I wanted them in places all over my body.

And then they touched the skin of my neck. My pulse jumped below them. And then her tongue, the warmth, the electric current that shot straight to my center. "We shouldn't do this standing up," she whispered. With her hand in mine, I led her to my room where the slow dance resumed against the wall, the door, on my bed.

I remember thinking, so this is how it is supposed to feel.

I woke up early and called the airline. I was keeping her for as long as she could stay.

It has been nine years, nine years today. Nine of the best years of my life. I've never loved like this before. And this morning, her kiss and the words from her lips - "Thank you." and "I love you so much." - filled me.
She is love...the love I live for and the love I'd die for.
"I don't breathe another lover."

Happy anniversary baby!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

becomes us

We met in a chat room. We were both looking for musicians for projects we were working on. We clicked and decided that we needed to jam.

I was very unhappily married at the time. We were separated but still living in the same house. It was a big house. He had his half and I had mine. We still worked together since the business was OUR business and we were both damn good at it. But things between us sucked.

I bought her a plane ticket, told her just to bring herself because I had all the music gear she could possibly need and we'd audition each other. Me to join her band (SP) and her to be a writing partner. I remember she was nervous about the flight...she had never been in a plane before.

At the airport, I waited at the gate excited to be meeting my possible future band mate. As the time got closer, I got more nervous. Why? I kept asking myself. Its just music. But then she came down the hall. She had a Mohawk and was wearing an army jacket. My first thought was that she was fucking hot. She didn't see me and just as she was about to walk past, I reached out and grabbed her, giving her a huge hug. I knew in that embrace that we would be so much more.

We spent the entire night in the music room trying to impress each other or something with our knowledge and talent. She said that I stole her heart when I sang and played "Crimson and Clover" Joan style. And she knew her heart was mine to keep when I played "Colorful Sweet," one of my originals. As confused as I was at the time, I know that I fell in love with her when she played "Mayonaise" and she sealed it for me when we jammed to "When I Come Around." It was the look in her eyes, the quick of her lips, the way she watched me as I watched her, and that slight sway to a rhythm only we could hear.

But like I said, I was confused. And that night, I gave her a choice. She could crash out in the music room or crash out in my room with me. She chose my room but...BUT...we kept our hands to ourselves. Honestly.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wonderful Twist

We cruised down the twisting road to the picture show. Where the Wild Things Are swam through our eyes to the part of the brain that says, "Hmmm." Her hand warmed my leg while my imagination took us on a ride. And the sounds she made when she tried to keep quiet...

Back down the twisting road, we stopped for an icy treat. Rainbow sprinkles and chocolate covered strawberries and a brain freeze that could battle the worst of migraines. An overheard conversation of a little girl upset that the dance was cancelled -dressed as the dark princess with her black lips and a black rose.

Once again, to the twisting road. Burgundy brushed clouds with a midnight blue backdrop. Tiny dots of white started to appear. And I sang to her...cinematic love truck...and she held my nothings gonna stop us.

Up the dirt drive, guided by the moonlight. One foot on the steps and she pulled me back, held me to her. "Thank you for a wonderful night," she whispered against my lips.

"Wonderful," I whispered back, finally getting a taste of those chocolate covered strawberries.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Is it possible for your brain to melt? Wait! I really don't want to know that answer.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I'm awake (not really)

I think I finally found something that I hate. I HATE being sick! I have been in and out of consciousness for the past three days (I think) and I'm finding it hard to believe its Monday. WTF?

We were supposed to be going to a hayride and corn maze this weekend but I think I slept through it. I have no idea what I have been writing in here or anywhere else for that matter. J should know better than to leave me alone with the computer when I'm out of

I'm feeling a bit better today. Me and Brody (little dog) watched Hackers this morning while everyone else slept. Brody really does watch TV. She has all the right reactions at all the right spots too. She is a mutt, so maybe she's part human too.

Now I sound crazy.

Days of J should start tonight...if I'm awake.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

High Tension Art

Since I haven't been drawing anything lately, I figured I could post some of my older stuff. This is the actress from the movie High Tension. I have no idea what her name is and I'm too lazy to look it up. I did this in charcoal for a friend (PJ) a few years back. It has been in her possession ever since.

*insert Pink Panther theme*

I think I need to stay away from a keyboard when I'm drowning in NyQuil. I see I posted something yesterday and I can't even remember what. And now I have a NyQuil hangover. Hmph.

I guess this is proof that thoughts are things. The early morning we took J's Grandma to the hospital, she had said that she was afraid for me to go because she didn't want me to get sick. So yeah, its all her fault.

Hell, I think I still have no idea what I'm writing. I better quit before I give away everyone's secrets.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My business

As promised....Back Then (its a lil late...)

As a young person, I made some pretty stupid things. But I really think we all did.

I was a little over a month into my tenth grade year. School was kind of getting to me. I was thinking that it was just a big waste of time. But I loved my art class and my drama/stagecraft class, too. Somehow, I convinced myself that those two classes were worth going to school for. In both of these classes is where I met D-friend (silly nicknames we had for each other) aka, the Crayola Queen. She was one of the maybe five or so Goth kids at our school. Seriously, she was Goth before Goth hit mainstream. I didn't know it was possible for a human to be that white and still be alive.

In my efforts to change the path my life was on, I decided she would be a good friend to have. Meaning...she was clean, no drugs.

BM didn't do drugs either, so I was spending more and more time with her. LG knew her too and we would all hang out together after school. Actually, LG was kind of clinging to that she noticed I was spending more time with other people. And when she would hang out with me and BM, drugs seemed to be foreign to her. Maybe it was because BM didn't think they were cool. Get it.

Anyway, I was doing much better and staying away from everything seemed to be getting easier.

Rich and I, well...he was kind of clingy too. At first it annoyed me, then I just got numb to the fact. There was purpose behind me dating him, I would keep reminding myself. But Sam sightings were few and far between.

Honestly, as I look back now, I remember being so confused. Confused about her and confused about Rich. Both were amazing kissers but when I kissed her, I felt something more, more than I ever felt with him. I really didn't understand when really, I should have. But I never took any of it seriously anyway. I was only fourteen...I figured that I would figure it all out when it actually became important to me. And at that time in my life the only things that were important were art and music and skateboarding.

BM had to work the weekend and I ended up hanging out at the theater with Rich, LG, and RM. There were others hanging out too but, like RM's brother and another of our local drug dealers and his latest fiend. Just because I was hanging out with them didn't mean I had to talk with them and I was doing great ignoring them for the most part. But then...

"So, have you met Fred yet?" RM asked over my shoulder.
I was busy playing Galaga and I really didn't want to answer.
"Well?" he asked again.
"It's really none of your fucking business," I told him without turning around.

By this time his brother had walked up too. He asked me the same thing.
"Leave me the fuck alone. And again, it is none of your business." I turned around and Rich and LG were standing behind me against the wall. Both of them smiling at the questions I was being asked. I glanced at RM and JM and asked, "Why? What did he say?" I nodded my chin in Rich's direction.
RM laughed and leaned against the side of the arcade machine. "He said you've been giving him blue-balls."

Truthfully, I had kissed more than a few guys and a couple of girls by this age. I'd seen more body parts of both than most girls my age. I knew about sex and the mechanics of it all. I wasn't innocent. BUT, I had never in my life heard anyone say that they had blue-balls. My first thought...he's diseased.

"Blue what?" I asked, trying to hide my confusion.
JM put his arm over my shoulder. "He's saying that you've been getting him all worked up and horny and then sending him home."
That kind of pissed me off. "Well then, he deserves his blue-balls if he is telling you guys that much."
And they thought it was funny. At least it kept them from staying on the subject.

Later, as LG and I were walking home (actually, I was riding my board and she was walking), she brought it all up again.
"I can't believe you haven't slept with him yet." She was a bad actress and I could tell that whatever she was going to say, she was asked to.
"LG, it's not my thing. Besides, there's no rule that says that just because he is my boyfriend, I have to sleep with him." Out of all the people in the world, LG wasn't the one I would have chosen to have this conversation with.
"Are you scared? Like you'll get pregnant or something?"
I looked at her like she was 90 degrees of crazy. "No. I just don't want to. I have no interest in meeting Fred."
"You don't know what you are missing," she said, kind of laughing.

It was no secret that she had slept with KK. Even less of a secret that she had slept with RM and maybe a dozen or so other guys.

"Actually, LG, I know that I'm not missing a thing. What makes you think I'm a virgin?"

This knocked her off balance a bit. For a few minutes, she didn't know what to say.

"Well, then why don't you just fuck him and get it over with?" she asked.
We stopped in front of her house and I slapped the tail of my board against the ground making the board jump up in my hand. "Because I just don't want to. And I'm not going to change my mind for any of you. If I ever get the feeling like I want to sleep with him, I will but until then, all of you need to stay out of my business."

I left it at that and headed home.
Here's a laugh for you all...I slept with Rich less than a week later. And of course, it sucked. BUT, I did sleep with him because I wanted to. I had finally gotten to hang out with Sam and when she left, he was there.
Stupid reasoning, I know but... And if he ever knew....hahaha...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Germs: Stay away

The last twenty-four hours have been...cold, crazy busy, and a little on the "I don't wanna get sick" side.

We got a phone call -yesterday, I think. It was after we went to sleep Tuesday - from one of J's aunts at a little after 3am asking us if we could help take Granny to the hospital (she asked J but I couldn't let her go alone). Of course we both jumped up and rummaged for clothes, a little groggy but really, we had just went to sleep. We spent all freezing morning into mid afternoon at the hospital. Granny is going to be fine -she's sick with a bad cold- but they did keep her. Said she wasn't breathing too good. She should be out Friday.

(Yeah Starr...I was at the ER and it wasn't for me. Shocker, huh.)

J's other aunt -who would have been the one that took Granny to the ER- had to go to the doctor herself yesterday. Seems she has pneumonia.

Now I'm repeating this in my head: "I am healthy. My immune system is strong."

I really do not want to get sick. I did that pneumonia thing last year and it hurt like hell.

And due to my zombie-like coma yesterday, I owe this blog an extra post. So -fair warning- I will be back and maybe even with a Back Then post.

PS...another warning: Next week expect "Days of J" week. Its our ninth anniversary on the 30th. And yes, I will be explaining the "Mayonaise" song. It will be mushy!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In the music

Last night, J and I worked on two new songs. Very sweet! We also worked on two others that are pretty much done. J added a very cool lead to one of our older songs (a song I just learned to play last night...I'm the singer dammit!) and we practiced some of the songs we hadn't played in a while. My fingertips are numb as I type but my fingers feel loose (which is good).

I'm not so good at writing leads. J and entirely different story. I can come up with a melody, anything just out of my head and those two will come in and blow me away. One of the first songs we ever wrote together as a band, "Carvin'", started with five chords. An idea I had from something Freak had shown us after practice one day. The name...I got it from one of her amps. The lyrics...I wrote them about one of my...I'd rather not say (I plead the fifth and once you hear the song, you will know why). But once I had it all down, they came in and made it...epic really.

After all the practicing and writing we could endure, we broke out into the "fucking around" stuff. (Not like that you perv.) We played a few things we had each been thinking about and then started playing some stuff just for fun. One of my favorites..."Anna is a Speed Freak" by a band called Pure. It is a blast to play and sing. Give it a listen.

I couldn't let the night of music end without having J play "Mayonaise." The intro to the song is beautiful and I love the way she plays the part in the audio below between 1:00 and 1:20. It turns me into a love sick kid. (I will explain this soon.) Enjoy...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bad human?

I'm not sure what I should think of myself....

A few hours ago, my friend posted that she lost her uncle to an illness today.

A few minutes ago, I read this post about a stranger losing her dog - she looks a bit like my dog.

I'm more upset over the loss of the dog.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The thinker

"They want me to be a breeder. Not a thinker. Not a leader." Otep Shamaya ~ Def Poetry Jam ~ From "Dedicated To My Enemy" (Video at the bottom)

I was tagged in one of those "All about me" questionnaires on Facebook. And that line above was part of one of my answers.

Well, that brought on all kinds of thoughts about my parents and the way I was raised.
They didn't raise me to be a breeder. They raised me to be an individual. They raised me to be independent. They raised me to make my own choices and live with the consequences. They raised me to be strong and wise, kind and generous, understanding and compassionate. Maybe I shouldn't say "they" because really, it was just my mom for the most part.
It is true, my dad wasn't the greatest of fathers. There are things that I will never be able to speak of and things that I wish I could forget.
But on the other hand, there are a few things that, when I think back, make me smile. Like going to the beach late at night with my parents. Dad and I digging in the sand, making tunnels. And when Dad signed me up for MX racing and told me not to tell Mom. And how he was so proud of me when I was asked to be on TM Race Team, earning my spot along side of the guys. And the day he brought me my first acoustic guitar. A full size red Palmer that I still have and is as good as new. And the day he gave me my first pieces of jewelry. A gold necklace with a crucifix charm and a St. Christopher charm, (just like his) that up until a few years ago, I wore everyday of my life.
When I decided to come out, I told him first. My reasoning was cold - I told him because he was my crash test dummy, so to speak. I didn't care if our relationship was ruined and he disowned me. His reaction would determine on whether or not I came out to anyone else.
And my mom. She might not have liked the fact that I was such a tomboy. She would cringe when I told her of things I did or was planning to do. You should have seen her face the day I came home telling her all about the monster size concrete pools I was skateboarding in, or when I told her that I cleared the doubles on my ATC with no hands, or when I told her about getting the Camaro under 11 seconds in the quarter mile. She hated it because of fear that I would be injured or worse - but she never told me I couldn't do it. She would just encourage me to do other things too. Like drawing and painting and writing. My first dream journals came from her. Or my music. My first electric guitar and practice amp (both I still have) came from her.

Neither one of them tried to force me into dresses. They didn't take away my Tonka toys and Hot Wheels and exchange them for Barbies. They didn't make me ride the pink bike with the girly bar. They loved me and let me be me - the person I am today.

I guess my point parents (mom) didn't raise me to be a girl that was to grow up and be a housewife with 2.5 kids and commit/submit to a man that I would call my husband. They raised me to be what ever I wanted to be. They raised me to be a thinker, a leader, completely at ease and in support of my androgyny and my gender-bending-rule-breaking ways. They always supported my a girl could do what a guy could do and, at times, even better and how I really COULD do anything. There was never "girls can't do that" or "why don't you play with dolls instead." There was never "I don't think you can or should."

I have my good days and my bad ones. Sometimes I'm contradicting. Maybe even hypocritical and ignorant, but that's okay. That just means I'm human.

No...I was lucky and I am thankful for this every single day. Because of this I am: an artist, a musician, a writer, a dreamer, a dare-devil risk taker, a fearless competitor, a speaker, a seeker, never a follower/always a leader, a friend, a listener, an adventurer, a partner, a lover, a fighter. I stand up for what I believe in. I am ME and I don't want to be YOU or anyone else.

Thanks for listening...

Saturday, October 17, 2009


A quick message for my sister...the only family member I trust to read this. (Please pause the player and listen. Thanks.)

Because the words just aren't enough:

I love you...please go to the doctor...two months is too long.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Loose pants and good tunes

I can't decide if I'm cold or hot today. Maybe a little of both. And tomorrow the high will be 48. I am so not ready for winter.

The good side of this...I got my jeans down from the closet that barely fit me last winter. I slid them on with ease today and grinned because they are actually a little big. Fucking sweet. All this damn exercise is paying off big time.

Last night was stressful and then it was amazing. The stressful part...the dogs got in a fight. The amazing part...well, I will just say that J is real good with her hands. Inspirational to say to the least and I wrote it out:

We were there
In the Altered State
She was in me
I was in her head
Sensitive fingertips
Over soft lips
Give and take
Take and give
Sweat on skin
With whispered I love you's
On that plain
Where only we exist
In the Altered State

Of course there is more, so much more but...

I'm in the process of going through all of the songs I've written (I have about twenty full notebooks) and figuring out which ones I want to write music to. Our creative process works like this: I search my lyrics for the ones I feel the most. I come up with a melody and write some music to go along with it. I bring it to J and she takes it all and elevates its intensity by a million or more by writing the music that I never could.

I'm great at rhythm, the basic backbone for a song. But when it comes to writing the music that will blow you away, J has it covered ten-fold.

Or, J will come to me with something she has written. I listen to her play it as I scan the lyric pages to find what we feel the song should be about. Or sometimes I just write the lyrics as she plays. It works all ways. Its funny, after an intense creative session, how we will stand back and say, "Whoa, we wrote that."

I still have no idea why I ever stopped music. I guess shit happened and things were all crazy. But still, music was always what kept me grounded or helped me escape. The more we play and create, the more I realize how much I really missed it. I won't let it happen again.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Numbers and figures

Time for a real post. Kind of. Maybe not...hmph.

If I could keep from having such freaky dreams -I'm talkin' Joan Jett, my artwork, and that order- maybe I could get some good sleep. And then maybe I wouldn't forget how fucking cold the wood floors are in the morning. Shocking myself into being wide awake isn't fun.

J and I were up until 6 this morning putting the finishing touches on the song we wrote the other night. Then we wrote another one. It is so amazing creating with her. The whole process is just so much fun really. And it is so damn cute when she hands me the headphones to listen to what she wrote and then she gets all nervous and can't play it right.

me: I'm just making you nervous.
J: That's not good. Especially when we are up on stage.
me: You'll be fine on stage (she always is), its just right now, I'm just a little too close to being between your legs.

We were sprawled out on the bed while we were writing and the headphones only reached so far. From where she was sitting to where I was sitting (its a very big bed) I had to duck down with my head near her knee. Never mind...its just too hard to explain.

J: (laughing) That could be it.
me: I know it is. (I slid my fingers up her leg from her ankle to, well...)

The most awful sound came through the headphones and I was immediately sorry I touched her. I took off the headphones, blinking my eyes and shaking my head to make sure my ears weren't bleeding.

J: See what you do to me. Make sure you don't do that on stage.
me: Fuck. There goes my whole idea for a hot, sexy show. I hope we get a hot bassist.

Needless to say, I kept my hands to myself for the most part. Until she started playing "Mayonnaise" by Smashing Pumpkins. Then I turn to mush and have to wrap around her and tell her I love her. I think she did it on purpose.

Ahh...the story behind that? I'm not telling right now. Maybe I'll share it in a post at the end of this month since it will be our anniversary and all. Maybe. (For all I know, I've already mentioned it in this thing somewhere.)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I just finished the book I was writing. It is such a great story and I really didn't want it to end but that is the beauty of being the author...I can make it live on for as long as I like, as long as I want. I think this one has a lot more to share. These characters just aren't finished yet.

Band talks have led to the conclusion that the search for a bassist isn't as important as the search for a drummer. I do play bass, its just not my instrument of choice. But, if necessary, I will play it until we can find someone to replace me. I'm fine with that.

Sometimes I wish I would have learned to play the drums. I still can I guess. But it is so hard to find a female drummer.

I went to middle school with this girl that was a drummer. She was madly into Def Leppard and I played guitar but was into Maiden, Metallica, Slayer, and such. We tried to jam a few times but it just didn't work out. I didn't know enough about my instrument to keep up with her. It would be nice if I could find her. She would be perfect for this band.

Other is fucking FREEZING up here. And raining. I've been feeling a lot better since Starr was here but this shitty weather is threatening to make me postal.
There are haunted houses this weekend along with haunted corn mazes. And next weekend, more of the same. I love this shit. Then, Halloween, there are several parties we've been invited to. If it were up to me, we'd show up at them all. But the houses around here are so far apart that the drive wouldn't be worth it.

Next month, my cousin Mel will be in town, thawing out from living in Alaska. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.

You'd think, with all the excitement, it would be hard for me to sit still. Fucking weather.
So be it.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Yellow brick what?

I guess I do always sing. Hey, it keeps me sane. And and J put some finishing touches on one of our new songs last night.

Please be on the lookout for a female drummer and a female bassist that are somewhere close to Northeast Georgia. Tennessee, South Carolina, and North Carolina are all pretty close. We play rock, punk, metal type stuff with a little bit of folk thrown in to confuse you. Must get along well with us dykes and know their instrument. Rookies are welcome but if you can't keep up we will have to boot you. **APB**

We need to get something together quick if we are going to make the deadline. (Sorry, that part is secret.) We had a really good discussion about it last night and plans are being set in stone. (I know we've heard that before, but this time, it has to work out.)

We decided that since I'm taking over vocals and we already have two guitarists, that singing is all I will do. For now at least. Freak is still an unknown since we can't find her AGAIN. God, I love that kid but she needs to keep a damn phone!

Sometimes...I can't believe I'm doing this again. But...the world, especially mine, would stop without music.
So be it!

On to other stuff...
I would like to declare war on who ever is responsible for bringing this damn OXY drug to pharmacies across America. I would like to tell them that their drug is killing my brother. He is beyond making choices now, he is just plain addicted. And its killing me. So, yeah...a big FUCK YOU to all that are responsible. And another FUCK YOU to the idiot doctors that keep prescribing the shit to him. How do you people live with yourselves? God this sucks!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Do I really always sing??

Fun times last night hanging out with Rob and Shannon. It usually is a good time with those two as long as Rob can keep his mouth shut long enough for any of the rest of us to get a word in. Nah, Rob is cool...kind of.

I earned a new nickname last night. They call me...ready? You sure?

*drum roll*


Now if I can only convince everyone that my pockets only except twenties...

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Since I set the playlist on random, I figured I better go ahead and explain the songs. One at a time.

One night in October, about five years ago, J, cousin Jane, and I were roaming through Walmart. We were just stirring up trouble (playing football in the isles and hide and seek - I'm a kid at heart) and Jane runs into this girl. Leave it to Jane to find the only other lesbian in the entire store.

But this one was young. Only 16 but she was adorable. Short blond hair, tank top, cargo shorts, and she had a hammer in her eyebrow. Yeah, a small little hammer that graced the piercing of her eyebrow. Cute. We were introduced and found out her name was Gab.

Long story short - Gab and Jane hooked up but it was short lived. Gab was a follower and Jane had no room in her life for people that didn't think for them selves. Jane left to go back to her home and Gab, well, we stayed friends.

She enjoyed playing guitar and on a few occasions, called me up to see if I would jam with her. The very first song we learned together was "Stories" by Trapt. I had never heard the song before and after hearing it once, I was addicted. Just a song about a story of the past that he's trying to break away from...but yet, still wants.

If you think about it, all of our lives are stories. Each memory, each day...all stories. And its up to us to make our story different than the rest. I've been striving to make my story unique from the day I was born. Its not the same story as yours, but its my story.

I still talk to Gab every now and then. Funny, she moved from Florida and now lives in Georgia too. We haven't seen each other in a while, but we still tell each other our stories from time to time. We even talk about "Stories" and I thank her for introducing me to a great song. Lyrics:

I found a line and then it grew, I found myself still thinking of you
I felt so empty and now I'm fine But still it's burning, when will you be mine?

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
(I think it's time for us to walk away from here)
Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside

Look at me still in your mind, Our memories so intertwined
Well you broke through and found your way
And so did I no need to stay
The same old picture, tried and true
Been through there, let's look for something new

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives
(I think it's time for us to walk away from here)

Do you remember lying on the beach so late at night
Do you remember running through the sprinklers that night
Do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you,
All the songs that I have wrote for you (For you)
I remember,the way you made me feel when I was with you
I remember,the smile that always brought me back to you
That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue
(Untrue Do do da dado do da dado do da dado do da dado yeah yeah yeah)

Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think it's time for change, don't you?
Too much of the same stories in our lives (I think it's time for us to walk away from here)

Change your story...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Giving Thanks

Starr left me this morning, heading back to sunny south Florida. I miss her already.

Starr, she's kind of like me, a positive thinker and can always find the good in every thing and every body. Even she struggled with what I'm dealing with right now. But, as always, she tried to help me turn it all around in my head to make it a little easier to deal with.

"You gotta stay positive," she told me. The same words that J just echoed.

Although it sounds easy enough, it is hard as hell when the negative is staring you in the face and breathing down your neck constantly.

I have been trying everything. My best defense is to just ignore. I have had tons of practice at that. Ask me how I lived with my mother for all those years (she pulls the negative from everything and harps on it) one of these days. But even ignoring this has been rather difficult.

I have never hated, truly hated anyone or anything my entire life. Not even my ex or my father, which once I get through the story (back then) you will understand what I mean. I disliked God for a couple of years when she took away someone who meant everything to me but once I figured out that it was the way it was supposed to be, I forgave and asked to be forgiven. Hate would be such an easy and somewhat satisfying way to deal with this. But hate is negative and the more negative you allow in your life, the worse life is.

I really don't want my life to take that turn. I've learned my lesson. I guess I will just have to figure it out. Figure out a way I can deal with this without going postal or entering the downward spiral. And with friends like Starr and a girl like J, I know it is possible.

Starr, thank you so much for jumping on that plane and being here before I could blink. Thank you for the late night talks. Thank you for the early morning reasoning's. Thank you for the drunken I love you's. Thank you for everything. Most of all, thank you for loving me this *stretching arms as far wide as I can* much. Because I love you twice as much.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

She made me do it

She is twisting my arm (Starr) and I keep telling her that I will get Bruiser to come to my rescue but she isn't listening.  This is what she says I HAVE to post.  Arrggg...only because I love her.

if I were a month, I would be: December

if I were a day of the week, I would be: Wednesday

if I were a time of day, I would be: 10:30

if I were a planet, I would be: Pluto (it was a planet when I was in school and I'm not chaning my mind)

if I were a sea creature, I would be: Starfish

if I were a direction, I would be: south of heaven

if I were a piece of furniture, I would be: the chair in Alice in Wonderland

if I were a sin, I would be: I think its a tie between Pride and Lust

if I were a historical figure, I would be: Joan of Arc

if I were a liquid, I would be: rain

if I were a stone, I would be: the flat rock that gets skipped across the water, then sinks and gets caught in the tide and washed back on to shore, only to be thrown again

if I was a tree, I would be: royal palm

if I were a bird, I would be: hey, hey, mockingbird girl

if I were a tool, I would be: a chain stretcher (silly ass knows exactly what I'm talking about)

if I were a flower/plant, I would be: cactus

if I were a kind of weather, I would be: a hurricane

if I were a mythical creature, I would be: a gryphon (aka griffin for the savants)

if I were a musical instrument, I would be: Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker

if I were an animal, I would be: a coyote

if I were a color, I would be: glacier blue

if I were a vegetable, I would be: broccoli

if I were a sound, I would be: the ocean as a hurricane rolls in

if I were an element, I would be: fire

if I were a car, I would be: 2010 Chevy Camaro

if I were a song, I would be: Three Libras

if I were a movie, I would be directed by: Jamie Babbit

if i were a book, I would be written by: JD Glass

if I were a food, I would be: Pizza

if I were a place, I would be: home

if I were a material, I would be: platinum

if I were a taste, I would be: dark chocolate

if I were a scent, I would be: cloves

if I were a religion, I would be: dead

if I were a word, I would be: music

if I were an object, I would be: a paint brush

if I were a body part, I would be: the eyes

if I were a facial expression, I would be: shock

if I were a subject in school: creative writing

if I were a cartoon character, I would be: bumble bee (Transformers)

if I were a shape, I would be: crescent moon

if I were a number, I would be: 8

Ignorance is a kiss

Here we go.  Since Starr is bugging me about it and I can deny her nothing...Back Then...

School started and I started off tenth grade with a boyfriend.  A boyfriend I didn't really lke.  He did surprise me that night at the party.  He acted kind of normal.  He didn't ask me to meet Fred or really show off in front of his friends.  He just acted like a guy that was genuinely interested in me and like he was trying to make a good impression.  I will admit, I did start to doubt my first assumptions of him.

At school, I stopped hanging out with LG so much but we still hung around each other after school.  I guess you can say that I just tollerated her.  She wasn't an individual, she was what she thought everyone around her would think was cool.  I didn't like that.  I always thought that if your friends didn't like you for who you were then they weren't real friends anyway.  (Hypocrite pops into my head here and later you will see why.)

I started hanging out with BM instead.  She wasn't much into school and we ended up skipping more than a few days together.  Once, we skipped school on my mothers birthday.  I had completely forgotten that my mom would take half a day off on her birthday and go shopping.  We went down to the Broward Mall which was real close to where my mom worked and as we were walking through, we came face to face with my mom.  To this day, I have no idea how she didn't see me.  Anyway, BM was cool because she was always herself and I really liked that about her. She had a twin brother too.  A very hot twin brother I might add.  Back then, I always thought it was strange how that fact didn't really have an effect on me.

Rich worked during the day, sometimes.  But when he wasn't working and I didn't feel like staying in school, he'd come pick me up and we'd go to Tradewinds Park or out to lunch or whatever.  He was becoming nicer and nicer and I actually started to like him...a little.  Not in a "I wanna jump your bones" way but more like "we could be friends" way.  I should have took that as a sign.

On the weekends, we would all - and I mean all, like the entire party crew - hang out up at the 99 cent movie theater.  We became friends with the manager and would pretty much stay there the entire day watching movies (they only showed four) and playing video games (they only had two and Galaga was my fave). 

"Earth Girls are Easy" was playing and I will tell you that I've seen that movie so many times that I can recite the dialogue.  Rich and I were sitting in the back row of the pretty much empty theater.  I hadn't kissed him since he the last party of the summer.  I just didn't feel interested in him that way.  Another sign I ignored.  But Rich was a little fidgety and he was starting to annoy me.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked.  I figured he was high on coke because that was his drug of choice but this was a different kind of fidget.

He started acting shy but he put his arm around me.  "Nothing really."

His leg was jumping and finally, I draped my leg over it to stop it.  It was driving me nuts.  "Liar.  What is it?"

I guess by this time, we had been dating for a little over two weeks.  I still wasn't thinking of it as dating though.

"I, uh," he looked over at me with a nervous grin, "was wondering if I could kiss you?"

Rich knew me better than I thought.  I didn't realize this until much, much later.  He knew that the way to get to me was to show me respect.  And he was playing the game well.  And since he asked, I started to feel nervous. 

I smiled and stared at him for a moment.  He had asked instead of just doing it.  Not like him.  And he hadn't tried anything since that second to last party.  He was being nice and not being his usual man-whore self.  Then I thought, there might be something here.  I kissed him and I think we made out for the rest of the movie until our friends started showing up and throwing popcorn at us.  We were a bunch of silly asses back then.

You would have thought I would have put it together.  He asked to kiss me because I was sober.  I guess he figured I was easier when I was fucked up.  Like I said, I didn't figure any of this out until much later.

Another thing...the reason I hadn't broke up with hm that night was because Sam asked me not to.  LG didn't want me to either.  LG was using me for reasons that I be able to spend time with RM.  I couldn't figure out any reason for Sam to be using me, so I went along with it.  Her lips made me blind.  But in those two weeks or so, I only saw Sam once and we never got a chance to be alone.  It looked like our plan wasn't working.

It would have been the best time for me to walk away...but I didn't.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

In the Starr's

My horoscope for the week:

Sagittarius, you're usually the most optimistic person on the block, but when the Moon in your sector of daily activities squares your ruler, Jupiter, on Tuesday, you'll be uncharacteristically downbeat and cynical. You'll begin to look at life with a jaundiced eye as you realize that serious issues are part and parcel of your daily journey. On Friday wise Mercury enters your zone of hopes and wishes and you'll look for the rainbow behind every cloud again. You'll count all your blessings as your ability to put a positive spin on your life returns.

That is me, always looking for that damn rainbow. For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to Friday. Ha! (Not really though. Starr will be leaving me then :( and I don't want her to go.)

She summed up our weekend but just a hint on how drunk she was...we were there Saturday and Sunday night. I think she is still drunk. And bikers are so much fun to party with. Funny, I can't remember the name of the bar either. Everything is fuzzy. So fuzzy that if Starr hadn't mentioned it, I might have been thinking that it was just a figment of my imagination.

I slept great last night. I always sleep better when I can hold somebody and last night, I had J on one side and Starr on the other. Heaven. Starr was so warm and J is always cold (there's an entry somewhere about her cold feet and hands). So if I got too cold holding J, all I had to do was warm up to Starr. It was perfect. And J is still sleeping. I think Starr is trying to find coffee somewhere.

Dimes and Candy...those mornings you woke up with me were our secrets. You told Starr! Just kidding. I wish you grrls were here. All of you. Just so you grrls know, Octoberfest is on until the first week of November. You all should come up here for me and J's anniversary (October 30th). *hint hint*

And there is a chance you will get to see Sim*** Psy****** back together again and live! We are still working out the details.

About my minor meltdown...I don't wanna talk about it...hmph!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Revisting the cryptic

I just don't like you. It is that fucking simple.

And I don't think you are funny and your voice is annoying. And I know you just keep talking so you can hear yourself.

And you, you are a thief and a liar. Stop trying to be my buddy because I will just keep walking away. You stole from me more than once and you lied even more times. So fuck you and just stay the fuck away.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

CLC message

Starr's phone doesn't get signal up here and I cannot find mine so...

CLC...Starr is here and safe and updates will be coming soon...

Until then...

Friday, October 2, 2009

More tales from the Cryptic

I want more.

It will always be this way.

You know this.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Welcome to the Cryptic

So, yesterday...all my positive thinking and such came to a crashing halt against a steel wall and fell to pieces. Those pieces then went through the shredder.

At the moment, I'm teetering on the edge of saying fuck the world a vanishing. Maybe a road trip is just what I need. Maybe not.

This has to be said...

When you asked me yesterday, you deserved an honest answer.

Sorry, but I lied when I said, "Of course not."

Truth is I've been thinking about it for a very long time and it hurts like hell to admit that, even if I know you will never read this.

I'm thinking that I blame you somewhere for everything. I'm wrong and I know this, but I can't shake it.

Please don't make me HATE!