Decisions

Decisions.

I know what I want.

I know what I need.

I know what I have to do.

And I know its going to hurt like hell either way I choose.

Whispers.

When its much too late.

When the words have lost their feel.

When they mean nothing.

Nothing at all to these numb, deaf ears.

Both is not an option. They want it all to themselves.

Decisions...its gonna hurt you.

Broken

She says her love is overwhelming.

She says it will scare me.

She says so much.

I am overwhelmed.

And scared.

But I feel so much.

Between us, the space has grown cold.

A mutual existence has taken over what once was.

I don't want to lose, but I want to grow.

The question of both hasn't escaped me.

Wrong or right, I have to know.

Good or bad, I have to learn.

Either way, I think I'm broken.

But I hear new life coming my way.

I'm so sorry.

Dark

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Trying to hide from the wind.

It could be change but it might hurt.

Never been one to follow.

But feel the need to be guided.

Somewhere, anywhere but wrong.

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Peace in the dark.

Words

It's her words.

They melt me.

Like a candle that is nothing but a reflective liquid below a dancing flame.

Those words.

The simple sounds.

Like a melody only I can hear through all of the noise that surrounds us.

Sweet words.

What they mean.

A deep meaning that stirs so much more than the letters that possess them.

Sweet, simple words that melt me.

Such is life

Rainy days.

Dim light through the window from the cloud covered sun.

So quiet.

Book firm in my hands as I can't wait for the line I read next.

Aspen (big dog) is curled up beside me.

Her warmth is comforting in storms electrified field.

A small bird. Effortless glide.

It lands in the bush just outside the glass.

Its song faint but I hear it just fine.

I tilt my head because I know this tune.

I hum along with a smile and agree...

Life is good.

Two Oh Oh!

Yep...welcome to the 200th installment of Life Of Times/On The Surface.


I have been racking my brain since my last entry on what I should write about. I totally missed the 100th entry. The 150th entry escaped me too. But I was paying attention and didn't want to miss this one.

I thought that maybe I should do a "Back Then" entry but decided against it. Not much of the past matters to me anymore. (Don't worry though, "Back Then" isn't over.) I went through all my drawings and paintings to see if they would be good for this post, but nothing caught my eye. Then I thought I could write about J and I, but I rarely do that here and it would seem out of place.

Then it came to me...last night before I fell asleep. I'm going to write about Starr, since she is the reason I started this blog in the first place. It seems fitting...

Several years ago, I parked my Freightliner car carrier in the center lane of Dixie Highway. I was delivering cars and the dealership had no unloading zone for us trucks. It was the worst place in the world to be unloading cars. Only inches separated me from the speeding traffic on either side of my truck. But JM was one of my best customers and when he called, I never failed to show.

I pulled a 7 car Miller behind my truck and I was busy unloading the bottom rack, working the controls to the hydraulics to get the top rack high enough so I could unload. I popped the ratchet and was about to lean over to unhook the chain when pain lanced through my back like someone had just snapped an over-large rubber band across my back. It took my breath away and I turned my head in time to see a yellow SUV speeding off. I knew what happened. The driver skimmed me with his mirror.


I shook my head and stepped onto the bottom rack as more speeding cars passed so I could catch my breath. My back was stinging so bad. Finally feeling normal, I stepped back out to the road and unhooked the last of the chains. I jumped in the car and started to back off when a car pulled up behind me with its flashers on.



I sat in the car and waited, hoping they would realize that I was unloading and to move their car. A minute later, this drop dead gorgeous woman stepped out of the BMW with a cell phone to her ear. Curious, I jumped out the car I was in and met her at the back of the truck. She hung up the phone and she looked at me like she was furious and about to kick my ass. No fear though, I stepped up to her.



"Can I help you?" I asked. She looked like the 'take no shit' type so I acted accordingly. Held my head up high and stood with purpose.


All that anger in her face vanished. "Are you okay? I saw that guy hit you. I got his tag number and tried to get him to stop at the next light."


She said it in one long breath and I laughed, carefully. She did look like she was pretty mean, even under her apparent concern for my well-being.



"I'm fine. It only stung for about a minute."

"You got a cell? We should call the cops. I'm your witness."

"Nah, really. I'm fine. Besides, if I call the cops, they'll give me a ticket for unloading here."


Who knew that that would be the beginning of our friendship. We chatted for about thirty minutes, exchanged numbers, and made plans to hang out. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we have been best friends ever since.

To Starr...and thank you for the push you gave me to start this thing. LYMY!

Surrender

In the silence, its cold.
Welcomed weight of the blanket and a warm bed.
Not quite the warmth I need.
Then she touched me.
Hands of ice quickly thawed.

From within her, somehow she ignites the heat of the sun.
Simple whispers. A simple touch.
Closer to me, my heart, my soul.
"I don't want you to leave," tickles my ear.
Its not what I want either but I tell her, "Tonight, I'm here. With you."

I surrender.

Not dead

The ground is drenched from two days of rain. I slid through the damp dead leaves just to try and brighten up the place. There is gloom in the gray that surrounds me but I refuse to succumb.

And in my sliding, I found the perfect color. The color of fire, the sun, maybe even a tropical paradise that is warm and fluid with fun. It caught my eyes and brought me down to its level. The slightest of whispers, it told me that I'm looking too hard for the sun.

Ah, but the sun fuels life. It heals. It fills the darkness and I really need it.

But it whispered again that I was looking too hard. Because in my slide, I found it. That solitary leaf that screamed, "I'm not dead yet!" That leaf, the color of fire, of the sun, of that far off tropical paradise that I daydream about...its not dead yet!

With my silly grin in place and a twirl in my feet, I spun and yelled to the world, "I'm not dead yet!"

I'm not. So, I will live with the sunshine in my head and stay determined not to let the winter doom take control of anything in me.
The imagination is priceless and mine is in Hawaii scoping out the next set of waves coming in.
Surf is up somewhere...

In Flames

It wasn't so much sensual as it was seductive. That slow dance that pulls you in. It can drown you in the colors, the brightness, the heat, and as if it knows, it enthralls you. My eyes are warm and my skin stills feels the heat. But the mighty chill in the air broke the trance.



I couldn't deny it, I wanted to touch it so bad. Like cotton candy, I imagine its sweet scent is how it feels. But the embers betray you, only in the slightest way. Its like a woman - a moving, living, breathing masterpiece - the way it moves and pulls you in.





And the taste is still in the air. That smoke so sweet and thick that chases you from your view. And that flame, it tried to escape my lens. But I was up for the hunt and stalked it like an imaginary lover immersed in a strange fantasy that only the stalker understands.







Captured but not as beautiful as the live show. It begs to be set free. Even in its slow burn.

Stoners and Muses

J and I have some of the most interesting stoner conversations at night before we go to sleep. Neither of us are stoners, but I was at one time and I can tell you that J would have been a really cool stoner.
Last nights conversation had us on a trip through space and time with photons and atoms and molecules, dissolving and reforming in a place of our choice. I had to laugh when she said that she would go to Tibet and hang with the monks because whether or not the untrained human eye could see us was so unknown, but she was sure the monks would be able to see her.

See, stoner conversations.

For the past few mornings I have been waking up singing one of the newest songs I wrote. Its a good thing and a bad thing. The good is that it has real catchy lyrics, obviously. If its getting stuck in my head and all. The bad part is that I haven't finished the music yet and J hasn't been much help. She gets my concept but, like me, her creative muse comes and goes like a flash fire. I'd do the music myself except I blindly reached into a box on Halloween and sliced the tip end of my finger pretty damn good. It is pretty deep and right on the pad where I hold the strings. Too painful to play, so it will be a few more days before I try again.

But the song...I love it. It is one of two that I wrote that day. I have the music partially written but it needs...more. I can feel it. I can almost hear it, but I just can't write it yet. No worries, though. When I do get to play, it will come to me. Too easy...

Tension is still tight around here but I knew it would be as soon as the roomies moved back in. Such is life and I'm more than positive that I will be out of here soon enough. No, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to think it and let the Universe figure it all out. Its part of the Secret and it works...trust me. Try it.

Off to entertain my muse...

Becoming

I just finished the book I was writing. It is such a great story and I really didn't want it to end but that is the beauty of being the author...I can make it live on for as long as I like, as long as I want. I think this one has a lot more to share. These characters just aren't finished yet.

Band talks have led to the conclusion that the search for a bassist isn't as important as the search for a drummer. I do play bass, its just not my instrument of choice. But, if necessary, I will play it until we can find someone to replace me. I'm fine with that.

Sometimes I wish I would have learned to play the drums. I still can I guess. But it is so hard to find a female drummer.

I went to middle school with this girl that was a drummer. She was madly into Def Leppard and I played guitar but was into Maiden, Metallica, Slayer, and such. We tried to jam a few times but it just didn't work out. I didn't know enough about my instrument to keep up with her. It would be nice if I could find her. She would be perfect for this band.

Other news...it is fucking FREEZING up here. And raining. I've been feeling a lot better since Starr was here but this shitty weather is threatening to make me postal.
There are haunted houses this weekend along with haunted corn mazes. And next weekend, more of the same. I love this shit. Then, Halloween, there are several parties we've been invited to. If it were up to me, we'd show up at them all. But the houses around here are so far apart that the drive wouldn't be worth it.

Next month, my cousin Mel will be in town, thawing out from living in Alaska. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.

You'd think, with all the excitement, it would be hard for me to sit still. Fucking weather.
So be it.

Hmph...

...J pissed me off so I sent her to her grandmother's. I don't know what was wrong with her but she was acting all grumpy and mean. So I picked her up and carried her to the front door, gripped her shirt when I let her down and told her, "Go to your grandma's, drink some damn coffee, and don't come home until you are in a better mood."

**Just to let you know, I was laughing the entire time. I wasn't being mean at all.

So you know what she tells me? "I'm in a good mood 95% of the time, so...."
So I told her, "Well, spend that 5% of "other mood" with your grandma. I bet she'll send you back here when she has had enough of you."

Okay, we were joking around but she really was in a bad mood and acting weird.

Other news: The new book I'm hard at work writing is coming along great. The main character kind of reminds me of me a few years back. That just sounds strange.

I still haven't started the art project I have been thinking about but only because the weather has been rainy. All the equipment is out in the building but its so packed, I can't actually do the work in there. So I have to wait for the drier weather, which means it will probably be cooler and I'm not quite ready for the cooler weather yet.

So be it.

September is full of birthdays for me. I think I should just buy a damn Hallmark store. J's was on the 1st. My grandma and a close friends was on the 8th. My cousin had hers on the 14th. Mom and my littlest little sister's is this weekend. My niece is on the 21st. And my step-mom's is at the end of the month. Of course you can't forget that Joan Jett's birthday is this month too. I know I'm missing a few...of J's family, I think (there's 3 if I'm right). And they are all women! And you know what kind of hell I hear if I miss one of them.
There are two guy friends (both named Steve) that have birthday's this month too.

Calgon, take me away! (That shows my age, doesn't it.) Virgo's = hmph!

I wanted to add a huge CONGRATS! for my friend JENOPHOBIC on making it to her ONE year. Its a big deal, and I want her to know I'm proud of her!

In the works and such

My mind has been busy and my imagination has created a brand new world to run around in. If it would slow down just a little, I might be able to keep up.

In the works:
A new art project. Lots of wood and power tools...oh yeah.
Also coming soon...drawings. G-ma wants me to do a M. Jackson portrait. Sadly, I'm not feelin' it at all. But I do know the next thing I am drawing...a different view. I dreamt it last night.
And...drum roll please...I have a new book in the works. Its hot! Very HOTTTTTTTT! Sex has never been written so good.
My life would not be complete if there wasn't some music in it so...after going all punk rock on my acoustic, I broke a few strings. I went to the local music store (there's two if you believe that) and replaced them. Got them extra light so I could bend the hell out of them and my fingers wouldn't bleed. Well, my fingers are still bleeding but I'm coming up with a ton of new material. Now if I could just get Freak and J in the same state, maybe we could do some recording.

Back to my mind. I'm a purely positive thinker. I kid you not. If I'm watching TV, I even mute the fucking commercials. I can't stand the way they try to make people think they have all these fucking problems. I swear there are pills for everything. The day they come out with a pill for people who don't blink enough will be a funny one but still, enough with the negative thought injections. Wake up people. There is nothing wrong with you that you can't cure yourself. Hmph. Thoughts are things. You think it, so be it. Get it? Got it? Good.

I think everyone should mute commercials. I believe the world would be a much healthier place.

Anyway, I pride myself on knowing the secret. And the other day, I had this like, mental breakdown of sorts. It was weird especially since it was me. I'd expect it from J but that's another story for another day. So in this breakdown (which seemed to be brought on by the past and the biz and all. The entire reason I had to walk away) my mind kept screaming "why!" and "what if" and it is so unlike me to do that. But, since I believe that everything happens for I reason, I let it flow.

Good thing too, because if I wouldn't have broke down I wouldn't have came back up with such a new outlook on it all. There is nothing that happens in my life that I don't attract. You always get what you feel the most and (the downside) what you fear the most. So when I say I have no fears...I am being completely honest. I fear nothing because I don't want fear to manifest. Okay, so I know why all the things that happened in the past came to be. I know why I had to drop off the face of the Earth and restart my life again. Best of all, I understand. And that new understanding is what will keep it from happening again.

The best thing that came out of the breakdown: There is no WRONG way. If you believe the way you are doing things is the right way , then it IS the right way. And as long as you never doubt that it is the right way, it will always be the right way. Think about it...you'll get it.

The universe is unlimited.
LIVE IT, DREAM IT, BE IT!

Now will someone please tell J I'm not leaving her. That look in her eyes when she says, "Please don't leave me," kills me inside.

Warning!

Just a few things...

I am cold. Enough about that.

Dimes, thank you. I owe you a post!

This time of the year gets a little strange for me. I'm not sure how to explain it but things just get mixed up in my head and I seem to push people away while I try to empty it. Like always, I will fight it but I rarely win the battle.

Its also the most creative time for me. For instance, last night I grabbed my notebook for absolutely no conscious reason. I lit up a smoke and closed my eyes for about a minute. Next thing I know my imagination is being infiltrated by this story that wouldn't let me go. I had to write. And write. And write. And then I tried to sleep but the story kept playing in my head. So I was back up and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I finally crawled in bed around 8:30 this morning and that was only because my pen ran out of ink and I didn't want to wake J as I looked for a new one. (I miss my laptop!)

Random facts:
From early September to the end of October, it would be wise to give me my space.
Also in that time, be prepared to be bombarded with all the crazy ideas that swim in my head because I will need help sorting them out. But if you help me, don't let me know you are helping me.
October 31st is my most favorite day of the entire year. Because I know the chatter will quiet down soon.
I sometimes hand write my stories and if I do, I will only use a Zebra F-301 black ink pen to write with. If that pen runs out of ink, I will not touch the story again until I replace it.
I really hate being cold. Especially if it is that kind of cold that goes all the way down to your bones. There is only one exception to this and that is...I'm okay as long as J is keeping me warm.
Doubt will not exist for me these next few weeks. There will be nothing I can't do and if you tell me otherwise I will prove you wrong.
If you thought my ramblings were scattered before, you might have trouble understanding anything from me at least until November.
I don't understand it, I don't know why, but trust me...it will all pass. And then come December, my friends and family will receive gifts from me that I either wrote, drew, painted, recorded, built, or conjured from any other creative outlet you can think of.

Truth...J hates this time of the year for me. She says that the way I act ignites her fears of losing me.

The vent is over

It felt kind of good to get all that family shit out, even if it was just writing it in here. I think, though, that I will send a little letter in my dad's father's day card and as soon as I get the address for my brothers jail cell, I'll send him something too. I've pretty much explained my moms letter with her. And our last phone conversation was much better than any of the rest. Maybe she finally gets it. I hope.

J has been amazing. I hate anger, I really do feel it is a waste of energy, but I let it get the best of me last week. From the guilt trips my mother was trying to send me on to the heartbreak over my brothers relapse and the fact that my dad is so fucking arrogant and careless about the whole matter, I was not in a pretty mood.

So, yesterday, J and I drove over to Helen. We ate at the only fast food place there is and people watched. Tourists are funny. We checked out a few of the shops and J tried to convince me to buy this rebel flag bikini. Then we drove around watching the tubers float down the river. It's been a long time since I laughed that hard. I think the funniest was a boy that somehow got tangled in a tree that had fallen in the river. If you could have seen his face. Good times and just what I needed, like usual. She always knows.

I will have another installment of "Back Then" soon. Its getting to the part that I still stand back and ask myself, "What the fuck where you thinking?" I'm feeling like writing, so maybe I write it later tonight. Maybe.

*Wiggle*

I'm doing the happy dance! I think I've announced this everywhere (facebook, myspace, and such) but here.

I have finished the first draft of book three! (Actually book four but I'm iffy on the first one. Its real violent.)

I'm torn. I already have a new story in the works in my head and I'm anxious to get going with it but...I hate to start something else when I'm not finished with what I was working on before. So do I get to writing the next book or do the re-read/edits on the book I just finished?

Hmm...

And when I asked J, she was no help. She said she didn't know and then started talking about what the stock market did today.

I think she just wants her computer back.

I need a new laptop. I see a barter in the near future!