Holiday

Thanksgiving with my family was great. We all drove over to Gatlinburg and did the whole tourist thing. We ate at the Hardrock and then took a cable car thing up the mountain and a few of us took a lunge ride (on which Uncle T wrecked). We sampled fudge and bought T-shirts. It was a lot of fun.

We headed back to grandma's to help with all the holiday cooking.

Let me write a little about grandma's house. Its like funland. They have a huge room that used to be an over sized two car garage that they transformed into a game room. There's pool, skee ball, darts, and another game that I have no idea what the name is. And if you don't want to play, there is a huge flat screen tv and a kick ass stereo system to occupy your time. Honestly, no one can ever say they are bored at her house.

So in between cooking, we played pool. I got my ass kicked by every member of my family. But the house smelled great...ham, turkey, pumpkin pies...

It had been a very long time since that much of my family had been together for a holiday. And I think it was just what my family needed.

Solo Drive

There is just something about taking a solo road trip. Its something that I can't name...you just feel.

Granted, my road trip was only three hours long but I did drive through three states. I left Monday evening armed with my gun, GPS, guitar, and a CD case full of Joan Jett (really). There was a nervous goodbye as I settled in the car. J didn't want me to go but she understood why I felt I had to go.

See, Grandma isn't getting any younger. And she is only three hours away and I don't visit her as much as I should. I am the oldest of her grand children and one of her favorites. Yes, she has favorites. Me and my cousin Kurt. Maybe she shouldn't have favorites but really, we are the only two that would drop our lives and rush to her if she needed or just wanted us to. Cousin Mel is the only other grand kid that shows her any respect and the rest of my cousins...well, I have nothing nice to say so I will drop it there.

So I hopped in the car and loaded the CD player. I lit a smoke and waved to J as I drove down the driveway. I made a right onto the highway and rolled down the window yelling, "Tennessee here I come!"

There was no traffic and the weather was perfect. The sun was down behind the trees casting long shadows across the road and making me imagine that I was caught in a strobe light of sorts. The draft from the car in front of me picked up the dead leaves from the side of the road making it look like there were thousands of birds flying along just above the asphalt and I chased them with silly laughter, watching them in my mirror as they chased me too.

365 was vacant. The sky was the palest of blues tinted lightly with grays. I turned up "Do You Wanna Touch" and threw my fist out the window as I sang along screaming, "Yeah!" on cue. I took a deep breath of the clean air and watched as the mountains grew in front of me. Life is good, I thought.

About half way through my trip, the sun ducked down under the horizon. The mountains came to life with with lights from the hidden houses. It looked like space had opened up and swallowed the earth, turning everything into constellations of the living.

I almost didn't notice when I crossed into North Carolina. There was just so much to see. I must have driven this route at least a dozen times, but every time its different. Every time I see something I hadn't noticed before. A lighted cross on the top of a mountain. A new valley of lights. Colorful neon passing in a blur as I speed by.

My thoughts were scattered. I thought about the family I would see. Cousin Mel in from Alaska. I hadn't seen her in at least four years. Aunt C, Uncle T, and Kurt in from Florida. I hadn't seen them in at least a year. And all the rest of the family I would see.

J was never too far from my thoughts either. With Christmas around the corner, I went over the list in my head of all the things I wanted to give her. With that thought came the thought that we probably won't be together on Christmas...just like Thanksgiving. Our reasons for spending the holidays apart are the same. Her grandmother isn't getting any younger either.

The mountains got bigger the further away from home I got. And by the time I hit the Tennessee/North Carolina line, the massive beasts overwhelmed me. I've stood before the ocean, I've been so far out in the ocean that I could no longer see land, but it has never made me feel as small as the mountains do when they tower all around me.

My thoughts wandered and suddenly I felt like I was the tiny spec of dust on the leaf in the movie "Horton Hears A Who." (I think that was the name.) I was thinking about how space was infinite and really, if you want to drive yourself crazy, how we are just a spec of dust in it. Or something like that at least. Thankfully, my phone rang and snapped me out of all that.

I pulled up Grandma's driveway exactly three hours from the time I had left J standing on the front steps. No one was home yet (they were still thirty minutes away) so I got out of the car and leaned against the hood. I lingered in the silence as I stared at the infinite space above me littered with stars. Yeah...life is good, I thought. And as I grabbed my stuff from the trunk, I smiled. I was already looking forward to my solo drive home.

Shhh...

I got this in an email. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to draw it. I was tempted to make the eyes blue but changed my mind at the last second.

Shhh...

Drawn with .555 drawing pencil.

Seems my art muse is dancing a jig. This is only one of five pictures I've drawn in the past two days. Go figure...

Little things

I don't write much about my relationship with J in here. She wouldn't like it. And out of my respect and love for her, I cannot write about us. "Our relationship is ours," she says. "I don't want the world to read about it and twist it around to fit in their heads."

I can understand that and I respect that. But sometimes, I just want to tell the world what its like to be loved by her. So, in little glimpses and obscure writings, I share the good stuff. And honestly, there never is any bad stuff.

Right now, I'm sick. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be taken care of when I'm sick. I'd rather everyone just leave me alone. J knows this better than anyone. But...

She's good...real good. She has been taking care of me in my sickness and I didn't even realize it until now. She has been so discrete in her care that it almost got by me.

Its the little things that she says or does. Its like subliminal suggestions, physical and mental. I know she doesn't think that I'm onto her yet and I'm not going to stop her. Because, even though I stubbornly want to take care of myself, she needs to feel like she is taking care of me. I know this.

She is so damn cute. And when I get better, I'll let her know that I knew exactly what she was doing...and I will let her know how grateful I was that she did it.

In the new

Today feels like a blur. I'm sick but not too bad sick. But overall, it is slowing me down. As if living in the sticks wasn't slow enough...

The rain makes it worse. Winters in these mountains are dreary. Makes me wonder what the suicide rate is around here.

A phone call yesterday from my sister informed me that our uncle (an adopted uncle -not blood related) has passed away. I wasn't close to him anymore and, although I'm sad, I'm not all that devastated. We knew it was coming. God, rest his soul. Yeah, that's four grand I will never get back... (I swear, I'm not being cold. You would have to know all the circumstances here, so don't judge.)

Sitting in the doctors office today, I got a brilliant idea for my next art project. I'm still working on the big one that I started in the beginning of October but I think I might put it on hold for a bit. This new one, I have affectionately named "An Assault on Time" and I'm thinking clocks and...well, if I told you, there would be nothing left to look forward to.

My finger has healed and we have been practicing every night. New songs are coming together nicely and Lilith Fair is getting closer and closer. With fingers crossed, I'm hoping we make the deadline.

Well...August Rush is coming on. Got to love a movie about a kid and music.
Keep warm - all you Northern readers...

Sway

Better...lol.

That sunset gave way to a star filled sky. We relaxed on the steps, catching glimpses of shooting stars and making wishes to the heavens. Her breath was warm against my ear.

"You're cold," she whispered.

"Not really," I replied.

How could I be, with her arms around me tight and our heated love between us?

But she wasn't convinced and she took my hand and led me to the fire pit. Moments later, we swayed to the dance of the flame. Again, the flames enthralled me.

The brighter the flame, the less stars above. A small sacrifice for the warmth, the visions, the trance and the sway.

Its in her arms that I am me.

Sunsets

The air was wet but it was warm. A walk back from the creek led to a discovery of the world that was above me. Georgia mountain sunsets are mind altering and breath taking at times. This day was one of those days.

The trickle of the creek was in my ears, making it sound as if the sun dropping below the horizon was sizzling in some distant ocean. For a moment, with my eyes closed, I thought I could smell that ocean.

Instead, I opened my eyes to what looked like a raging forest fire. The orange sun back lighting those leafless trees. The horizon looked hot but the wind betrayed the heat. That wind, a cool slap against my cheek, whispering in my ear the promise of the chill of the night.

And what a night...

Insider

My guitars have been collecting dust. I know...its a sin, right. But that cut on my finger has kept me from playing. I think I'm starting to have withdrawals. I've been jittery and can't sit still. I really need my music fix.

The weekend looks to be a warm one. I'm actually wearing shorts and a t-shirt today. Its not the Hawaii sun I've been day dreaming about but it will work. Now if I could just conjure up some hula dancers and a fruity drink, all would be good.

Big dog still isn't liking little dog much. It bewilders me because they were the best of friends. But I'm still too unsure to actually let them out together. Big dog has big teeth and little dog is too submissive and won't stand her ground. The way of the beasts...go figure.

Mick has a new girlfriend. She seems nice, but I only met her a few minutes ago and only hung out with her for about thirty minutes. But if first impressions really mean something, so far, so good.

I started writing a new book. This one, though, isn't my usual genre. It won't be about lesbians. Shocker, huh. I'm thinking bigger...outside of the box, so to speak. I'm really enjoying writing it, even though I was so unsure about stepping across the line. But the story line that is in my head is a good one and if I don't like it, I can always switch it back to the lesbian story that originally came to my head. I will see. For now, I will sit back and watch it develop on my screen as I type it.

J and I went for a drive the other day...to nowhere really. I came across something that has been stuck in my head since I saw it. As soon as I get a picture of it, I will write about it. Its one of those things that needs a picture to explain. Or to feel.

Well, happy Friday the 13th. Hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend.

PS...there will be another "Back Then" soon, I promise.

Not dead

The ground is drenched from two days of rain. I slid through the damp dead leaves just to try and brighten up the place. There is gloom in the gray that surrounds me but I refuse to succumb.

And in my sliding, I found the perfect color. The color of fire, the sun, maybe even a tropical paradise that is warm and fluid with fun. It caught my eyes and brought me down to its level. The slightest of whispers, it told me that I'm looking too hard for the sun.

Ah, but the sun fuels life. It heals. It fills the darkness and I really need it.

But it whispered again that I was looking too hard. Because in my slide, I found it. That solitary leaf that screamed, "I'm not dead yet!" That leaf, the color of fire, of the sun, of that far off tropical paradise that I daydream about...its not dead yet!

With my silly grin in place and a twirl in my feet, I spun and yelled to the world, "I'm not dead yet!"

I'm not. So, I will live with the sunshine in my head and stay determined not to let the winter doom take control of anything in me.
The imagination is priceless and mine is in Hawaii scoping out the next set of waves coming in.
Surf is up somewhere...

Old Time Rock and Roll

This isn't new but its not that old.

In a conversation with my mother some months back, she had asked me to draw Jesus and young Bob Seger. I did both.

So here is Bob. Done in charcoal.

In Flames

It wasn't so much sensual as it was seductive. That slow dance that pulls you in. It can drown you in the colors, the brightness, the heat, and as if it knows, it enthralls you. My eyes are warm and my skin stills feels the heat. But the mighty chill in the air broke the trance.



I couldn't deny it, I wanted to touch it so bad. Like cotton candy, I imagine its sweet scent is how it feels. But the embers betray you, only in the slightest way. Its like a woman - a moving, living, breathing masterpiece - the way it moves and pulls you in.





And the taste is still in the air. That smoke so sweet and thick that chases you from your view. And that flame, it tried to escape my lens. But I was up for the hunt and stalked it like an imaginary lover immersed in a strange fantasy that only the stalker understands.







Captured but not as beautiful as the live show. It begs to be set free. Even in its slow burn.

My addiction

Maybe it was the giddy feeling caused by the twilight that chased us down the street. Or maybe it was the fact that the tension that surrounded us had caused us to be at each others throats. Maybe it was the colors that escaped the shadows and illuminated that dark place in us both. But the way she sounded so disappointed in her own statement made me laugh.
There was more behind her voice when she told me how she loved my laugh. Maybe it was a void that we had both felt and was finally getting filled. Maybe it was that gap, the trench that we had both been walking along but on opposite sides that was finally coming together.
Truth is...I want her. I always want her. She is my drug, my addiction. And really, that's all I ever wanted to be to her, too.

Voyeur

I lit a smoke and stepped out to the porch. It wasn't too cold for a change but I knew that that would be a different story later. There was a light breeze from the west and in my head, I was humming that new tune I wrote that hasn't yet escaped my mind.
More squirrels crossed the driveway, playing a game of tag it seemed as they jumped over and onto each other only to get up and do it again. They chased each other up the huge tree in our front yard and it brought my attention to the bright orange and red leaves.
The leaves danced, a sensual dance that could be compared to a mating ritual in some cultures and I watched like a voyeur secretly hoping that they would kiss before they fell to the waiting earth. The tune they danced to matched the tune in my head and I was entranced and found myself swaying with them, trying to join their ritual.
And the breeze brought in a gust of cooler air, trying its hardest to snap me out of my trance. But the leaves moved more and kept my attention as the cigarette between my fingers was neglected. My sway made me dizzy but their sway kept me grounded. For a moment, I wanted to be that tree with all those beautiful leaves dancing all over my branches. I imagined that it might tickle just a bit but I'm sure it would still be soothing.
That smoke in my hand finally gave up and burnt out as I took a breath of clean, crisp air. I rocked on my heels and smiled before I turned around and opened the door.

My only thought...it is a great day to be alive.

Stoners and Muses

J and I have some of the most interesting stoner conversations at night before we go to sleep. Neither of us are stoners, but I was at one time and I can tell you that J would have been a really cool stoner.
Last nights conversation had us on a trip through space and time with photons and atoms and molecules, dissolving and reforming in a place of our choice. I had to laugh when she said that she would go to Tibet and hang with the monks because whether or not the untrained human eye could see us was so unknown, but she was sure the monks would be able to see her.

See, stoner conversations.

For the past few mornings I have been waking up singing one of the newest songs I wrote. Its a good thing and a bad thing. The good is that it has real catchy lyrics, obviously. If its getting stuck in my head and all. The bad part is that I haven't finished the music yet and J hasn't been much help. She gets my concept but, like me, her creative muse comes and goes like a flash fire. I'd do the music myself except I blindly reached into a box on Halloween and sliced the tip end of my finger pretty damn good. It is pretty deep and right on the pad where I hold the strings. Too painful to play, so it will be a few more days before I try again.

But the song...I love it. It is one of two that I wrote that day. I have the music partially written but it needs...more. I can feel it. I can almost hear it, but I just can't write it yet. No worries, though. When I do get to play, it will come to me. Too easy...

Tension is still tight around here but I knew it would be as soon as the roomies moved back in. Such is life and I'm more than positive that I will be out of here soon enough. No, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to think it and let the Universe figure it all out. Its part of the Secret and it works...trust me. Try it.

Off to entertain my muse...

Getting Zen

The tension around here is thick. I enjoyed a smoke after dinner on the front porch while there was a heated discussion that bordered on anger and confusions divide.

Conflict pains me. It always has. Its a deep pain that can be traced all the way back to when I was a small child. My parents fights, my dad's violence that I remember so clear as if it were yesterday always seem to surface as soon as voices get raised. I do my best to stay clear of it all, only because it makes me feel like I'm six years old and that I need to curl up into a ball and protect my head.

I think this fact makes J uneasy sometimes. She has asked me a million times why I won't and don't get angry. You would think after 9 years she would get it but I really think that she will never be able to truly understand because she didn't live it.

There haven't been very many times that she has actually seen me lose control of my anger. Maybe only twice our entire relationship. And both times, I still feel guilty about. And that guilt...it is a killer.

I can't say that I was always so calm. I've done things and said things to people I loved and strangers that possibly still scar them today. That hurts still. I've been in more physical fights than most men I know. That's one thing I can attribute to my father - the knowledge and ability to protect myself and back up my words. After all, I am the only person to ever give my father a black eye. His first and only to this date. Yes, there was a time when anger controlled me and there wasn't a single altercation that I would run from. Hell, I'd take on who ever, when ever, no matter how much I was out numbered. But the conflicts still pained me.

But now...
I still won't back down but instead of running in with swinging fists, I try to come to a peaceful compromise. I control my anger, it no longer controls me. And it usually takes a hell of a lot to set me off, but when I do snap...it is best to get as far as you can away from me.

So if I avoid the tension and conflict in the house now, I really believe it is best for everyone that way. I stay clear even when they try to pull me into it. And J will ask me again why I don't get mad. And again, I will tell her the truth...maybe one day it will be enough for her to understand.

Weather and books...oh my!

The weather outside is nice. I actually have been wearing shorts for the past three days. (Only because I'm tired of wearing jeans.) Its still cold and I won't lie, I'm wearing long sleeves and my famous hoodie and I only stay outside long enough to walk the dogs or to smoke a cig on the front porch.

The leaves are pretty much gone around here. They really didn't change colors this year, instead just died and scattered all over the yard. I caught sight of a squirrel climbing through the trees. Squirrels, they move like Slinky's and they look so stealth as they slink through the trees and across the driveway. Never thought I would say this but I found the little furry thing kind of cool and it kept my attention longer than most people do. I guess that says a lot about the way I see other people...hmph.

PS...
I got my copy of Outsiders yesterday. Its a collection of short stories from Brisk Press. I am a fan of JD Glass and she is the reason I actually bought the book. Of course, I read her contribution, Triskelion, first. And...JD Glass fucking rocks! Its the story of how JD's characters start their record label (and so much more in so few pages). Yes, its my favorite characters: Nina, Sam, and Fran. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to start reading. I say start with Punk Like Me and then go to American Goth. You might want to read Yuri Monogatari 6 (graphic novel type) and read JD's contribution Sakura Gun (London) next. From there head over to Punk and Zen (my fave). Then read Outsiders...lol. And from there, check out Red Light. But wait! Then go over to JD's blog and read The Con entries. Pay attention as you read and watch how all of these books link together. I totally love them all. She has another book, too. Its called X but it has nothing to do with any of the other books but its still just as great a read as the rest. And now that you all are educated...

PSS...
My pit bull is sleeping with her eyes open and it is very fucking creepy. How do I know she is sleeping you ask? Because she is snoring. *shivers*

A little truth

I think I've finally gotten rid of my hangover. Finally. Now I remember why I hate drinking.

My friends over at the CLC have been doing their best to make me feel God-awful guilty about leaving them. There is more than a few reasons I left Florida and they know this but I guess an explanation is in order so anyone else can understand.

It is true...stress can kill. And my philosophy is when things are no longer easy, its time to find something new. Running a business from a cell phone that never -NEVER - stops ringing, ridiculous time restraints, traffic jams, and chasing money got to me. Things started to crumble and inside I was a wreck.

Its funny...when I was going through all that shit, my family and friends (not the CLC girls) still called me and unloaded all their problems. And the entire time, I was on the verge of a rageful relapse into the darkness I used to call life. And when I tried to explain, "Hey, you really think you have fucking problems? I've got overhead that weighs more than the world and a partner who has given up," they didn't seem to care.

Hell, I know I could have saved it all but I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt sick all the time and so tired but I could never sleep. My head was endless chatter of what needs to be done and what I really wanted to do. And in the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do...get out.

My family was driving me nuts, unloading all kinds of responsibilities on me that were never mine. My brother's drug problem, my mom's money situation, and my dad's absence all of a sudden became, "You have to do something, B." My nieces well being all of a sudden became, "They need a better home life...do something." And certain friends became my responsibility too. Those two in the morning phone calls like I was a suicide hot line became, "B, I'm in my truck and I'm driving straight for the wall at full speed and I know you can save me. Only you know what to say, do, think...and you will save me."

But I'm nobodies savior really. I couldn't deal. And the solutions I came up with, nobody listened to anyway. "Baker Act the fuck up." Or, "Tell your husband to stop wasting the money and to get a real job since he fucking pissed away your retirement on shit that he didn't want or need." And my nieces, God bless those beautiful little girls, "Leave him. Get a job. They are your kids too. Only you can make their life any better." And, "Stop fucking around with straight chicks! Dyke up already. You know they only break your heart."

And the end results. He is still an addict and a loser. He quit his job and now sits on the computer all day, jacking off to porn. (This one has partially worked out.) She got a job and left him but moved those girls into a house full of old drunk, drugged out sorry excuses for women. And she is still dating straight chicks and getting her heart broken. Its nil.

So I left and they chased me down through my phone. I shut off the phone and they chased me down on the computer. So I stopped checking my email. It is about time they all learned to live without me to step on, run to, expect a miracle from. It was all too much to ask for. I had a life, a house, a business, vehicles, a great relationship, and I let all that stress and pressure almost kill me. I walked out and away with the only thing I could salvage...my girl (and I almost lost that too.)

I'm finally back to good and there is no way in hell that I'm chancing what I have now. This is MY life now and I'm not going to show any of you how to live yours anymore. Live and learn...that's how everyone else does it. I know it all sounds selfish but dammit! I lived with all their shit all my fucking life. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy and to live without their problems.

(Dimes, baby. I love you and really this rant has nothing to do with what you said (its Starr). I love you and miss you like mad too. But really, guys...am I not better now? You really don't want me to go back to being the way I was before I left, do you? Starr...ease up on the guilt shit, please. I need to do this for me. For me and J. She is everything to me and you know that. You know where I'm at and you know that whenever you want you can jump on a plane and be here in less than three hours. You have the means to do that and I know you could bring all the girls if you wanted to. I miss you guys but I don't miss the life and I can't go back now. Ease up on the guilt and show me some understanding, please. And you are making me say it...or else.)

I remember Halloween

Halloween was a blast. We had good times with some fun people.

The night started with J and I heading over to her grandmother's house. We scared and scarred the little trick or treaters and I'm pretty sure we were the stars in their nightmares last night. It was all in fun and by the time we left, the kids were smiling again. (I'm the skelton and J is the bloody one.)

We headed out to the HH Pub (aka Travis' house) for the annual Halloween party that is usually pretty damn good. But this year, there was no live band and it seemed that there wasn't half of the usual crowd. Ahh, but the freaky fruity punch was smokin' (literally) and we had the Misfits blaring through the sound system. We all danced, singing, "I remember Halloween..."

A bit later, we all did a drunken rendition of Green Day's "When I Come Around" and then an even better rendition of DeadSea's "Crimson and Clover." The mosh pit was on the verge of getting out of hand during White Zombie and I think I laughed out a lung. And then Preacher Kerr showed up with a new CD that had a mix of movie music...had us all laughing so hard that most people's makeup was ruined.

The highlight of the evenings dancing was the stumbling run through of "Thriller." Oh yeah, J knew all the moves and it was funny as hell as the rest of the party goers joined her in the steps.

By the end of the night, J and I had been propositioned by a mobster girl, a nun, a Hooter's chick, and Commando. Good times...but I really missed my crew. (My face was falling off --->)