A little truth

I think I've finally gotten rid of my hangover. Finally. Now I remember why I hate drinking.

My friends over at the CLC have been doing their best to make me feel God-awful guilty about leaving them. There is more than a few reasons I left Florida and they know this but I guess an explanation is in order so anyone else can understand.

It is true...stress can kill. And my philosophy is when things are no longer easy, its time to find something new. Running a business from a cell phone that never -NEVER - stops ringing, ridiculous time restraints, traffic jams, and chasing money got to me. Things started to crumble and inside I was a wreck.

Its funny...when I was going through all that shit, my family and friends (not the CLC girls) still called me and unloaded all their problems. And the entire time, I was on the verge of a rageful relapse into the darkness I used to call life. And when I tried to explain, "Hey, you really think you have fucking problems? I've got overhead that weighs more than the world and a partner who has given up," they didn't seem to care.

Hell, I know I could have saved it all but I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt sick all the time and so tired but I could never sleep. My head was endless chatter of what needs to be done and what I really wanted to do. And in the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do...get out.

My family was driving me nuts, unloading all kinds of responsibilities on me that were never mine. My brother's drug problem, my mom's money situation, and my dad's absence all of a sudden became, "You have to do something, B." My nieces well being all of a sudden became, "They need a better home life...do something." And certain friends became my responsibility too. Those two in the morning phone calls like I was a suicide hot line became, "B, I'm in my truck and I'm driving straight for the wall at full speed and I know you can save me. Only you know what to say, do, think...and you will save me."

But I'm nobodies savior really. I couldn't deal. And the solutions I came up with, nobody listened to anyway. "Baker Act the fuck up." Or, "Tell your husband to stop wasting the money and to get a real job since he fucking pissed away your retirement on shit that he didn't want or need." And my nieces, God bless those beautiful little girls, "Leave him. Get a job. They are your kids too. Only you can make their life any better." And, "Stop fucking around with straight chicks! Dyke up already. You know they only break your heart."

And the end results. He is still an addict and a loser. He quit his job and now sits on the computer all day, jacking off to porn. (This one has partially worked out.) She got a job and left him but moved those girls into a house full of old drunk, drugged out sorry excuses for women. And she is still dating straight chicks and getting her heart broken. Its nil.

So I left and they chased me down through my phone. I shut off the phone and they chased me down on the computer. So I stopped checking my email. It is about time they all learned to live without me to step on, run to, expect a miracle from. It was all too much to ask for. I had a life, a house, a business, vehicles, a great relationship, and I let all that stress and pressure almost kill me. I walked out and away with the only thing I could salvage...my girl (and I almost lost that too.)

I'm finally back to good and there is no way in hell that I'm chancing what I have now. This is MY life now and I'm not going to show any of you how to live yours anymore. Live and learn...that's how everyone else does it. I know it all sounds selfish but dammit! I lived with all their shit all my fucking life. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy and to live without their problems.

(Dimes, baby. I love you and really this rant has nothing to do with what you said (its Starr). I love you and miss you like mad too. But really, guys...am I not better now? You really don't want me to go back to being the way I was before I left, do you? Starr...ease up on the guilt shit, please. I need to do this for me. For me and J. She is everything to me and you know that. You know where I'm at and you know that whenever you want you can jump on a plane and be here in less than three hours. You have the means to do that and I know you could bring all the girls if you wanted to. I miss you guys but I don't miss the life and I can't go back now. Ease up on the guilt and show me some understanding, please. And you are making me say it...or else.)