Getting Zen

The tension around here is thick. I enjoyed a smoke after dinner on the front porch while there was a heated discussion that bordered on anger and confusions divide.

Conflict pains me. It always has. Its a deep pain that can be traced all the way back to when I was a small child. My parents fights, my dad's violence that I remember so clear as if it were yesterday always seem to surface as soon as voices get raised. I do my best to stay clear of it all, only because it makes me feel like I'm six years old and that I need to curl up into a ball and protect my head.

I think this fact makes J uneasy sometimes. She has asked me a million times why I won't and don't get angry. You would think after 9 years she would get it but I really think that she will never be able to truly understand because she didn't live it.

There haven't been very many times that she has actually seen me lose control of my anger. Maybe only twice our entire relationship. And both times, I still feel guilty about. And that guilt...it is a killer.

I can't say that I was always so calm. I've done things and said things to people I loved and strangers that possibly still scar them today. That hurts still. I've been in more physical fights than most men I know. That's one thing I can attribute to my father - the knowledge and ability to protect myself and back up my words. After all, I am the only person to ever give my father a black eye. His first and only to this date. Yes, there was a time when anger controlled me and there wasn't a single altercation that I would run from. Hell, I'd take on who ever, when ever, no matter how much I was out numbered. But the conflicts still pained me.

But now...
I still won't back down but instead of running in with swinging fists, I try to come to a peaceful compromise. I control my anger, it no longer controls me. And it usually takes a hell of a lot to set me off, but when I do snap...it is best to get as far as you can away from me.

So if I avoid the tension and conflict in the house now, I really believe it is best for everyone that way. I stay clear even when they try to pull me into it. And J will ask me again why I don't get mad. And again, I will tell her the truth...maybe one day it will be enough for her to understand.