I live

...because somewhere along the lines, I must have done something right. I must have said, felt, witnessed, heard, lived something. I'm here and some days are better than the rest but it can't rain all the time and even if it did, I'm sure I would find some deep, well hidden part of me that would always bring me back to where I'm supposed to be because somewhere along the lines, I lived it and there is always m0re than enough space to live it all again even if it hurts. And all those painful things, memories, hands, words, weapons, will all fade and sting just a little less because I was there once. Although it was empty, unsatisfying, confusing, and gut wrenching, somehow it was all worth it because I am here, now, and alive and I realize...I must have done something right. I spoke the right words. I felt the right things. I saw the path. I heard the encouragement. I lived it and no one else has lived it like I have.

Am not the Doctor

I got a call (really it was a beep beep on my nextel...nextel sucks) early (10:30...hey its early for me) this morning from my mom. Seems my brother and his wife are on the outs again and mom wants me to play doctor and fix him since he is all bent out of shape.

I guess this time it is serious because he somehow caught her with another guy. Not in bed or anything, just hanging out and talking. So sister-in-law had already told bro that she didn't want to be with him anymore. The guy just put icing on the cake I guess.

Well, step-dad thinks that there is a conspiracy. See, he thinks that sister-in-law is trying to push my brother into hitting or hurting her so she can have him arrested and take his car. It is possible...you would have to know sister-in-laws mother. She is worse than white trash. Even her own mother says so.

Confused yet?

The point: I've been trying to talk to my brother for three days. He won't answer the phone. Today, I got him on step-dad's beep beep nextel and he was short and sweet saying that he wanted to rest and that he would call me later tonight. It's 10:30 and I'm pretty sure he's not going to call.

There's only one reason that he would refuse to talk to me and/or avoid talking to me. He has relapsed AGAIN!!! I'm pretty sure of this and step-dad says he knows bro is back on oxy. This. Really. Sucks.

Its all making me wonder if sister-in-law is really leaving my brother because she no longer loves him or because she knows he's back on the pills. She won't take my call either.

Too much to ask for and I am not the doctor!

Or am I? But how can I help them if they won't talk to me?
I tried to tell my mom that they really need to work this out themselves because its not my business. Of course, she wouldn't hear me. I told step-dad the same thing and he didn't listen either.

My conclusion...I love my brother. I love my sister-in-law. And if they want me to be a mediator, they'll call. No need for me to chase them down. But I would like a word or two with my brother because if he is back on the pills, I need him to know that I am done trying to help him with anything. (His addiction has been going on for over ten years.) I'm tired of watching him kill him self.

BTW...J is home and she is safe, just like I thought.

Thoughts/Things

I love my girl, I really do. AND she knows better than anyone else that thoughts are things in my world. You know, the whole you think it, so be it. Words I live by.

So this morning (note to the wise...I'm no good in the morning and a little on the grumpy side) she is getting ready to leave. She is going with her aunt to take her grandmother grocery shopping. The time: 10:30am = me in a really weird mood since I was woke up by my mom on the phone trying to get me to talk to my brother because...well if you didn't know by now, I am the doctor. (That is a post that will probably end up here later today.) On to my girl...

I'm standing in the bathroom wondering why my eyes are so damn red and J walks up to the doorway, puts both hands on the door frame and starts staring at her feet. She had asked me three times if I wanted to ride with her but I declined because its easier to write without distractions and J is a major distraction in every good way you can think of.

So she is standing there and without looking up at me, she says, "Tell me I'm silly."

Reminder: mornings = me...no good. I look at her like she's silly.

She looks up with a childish grin, the one that tells me she's embarrassed. "Just tell me I'm silly."

Its obvious that something is bothering her so I block out all my grumpiness and pull her into my arms. "What is it?" I asked as nice as I could.

"Just tell me I'm silly."

Now, I asked a direct question which I believed deserved a direct answer (told you I was grumpy) and I almost got mad BUT I didn't. I went with option two. "You're silly, baby. What's wrong?"

Remember...thoughts are things. And this is what she put in my head: She tells me that for the past month or two she has been getting a really bad feeling every time she is asked to go somewhere with someone else without me. She doesn't want to be in a car with someone else driving. So I told her the logical thing that popped into my brilliant brain, "Ask aunt if you can drive. I'm sure she won't mind."

It was good idea and it helped her feel better but she had to tell me the rest of what she was feeling. And I, of course, listened. She told me it started back when she was going to ride with her brother and his girlfriend to the store. They were fighting and she made them stop the car in the driveway and let her out because she kept picturing them fighting and getting in an accident.

Okay...so now I know that she is afraid to leave with someone else because she fears they will get in an accident while they are driving. Thoughts are things and fear is a bad thought/feeling. The reason I have no fear is because what you think about, you bring about and so on.

And then she says as I'm holding her and telling her that I love her, "I just don't want to leave you."

She's breaking my heart. *Insider info: What she means is that she doesn't want to get dead and leave me.

She asks me again if I want to ride with her and (I know this is going to make me look bad) I declined again. I still had to walk the dogs and her aunt was already waiting on her and I was still feeling grumpy and half of what J had said was still settling in my brain and...okay, I have every excuse that there is.

But I did tell her, "Baby, when you get to your aunts and if you still feel bad, call me to let me know you are coming to get me. I'll go with you if you feel you need me to go." So I wasn't mean or anything.

Kisses, hugs, I love you. She's out the door. I get the dogs a few minutes later and take them outside AND I hear sirens and they stop down in front of our house somewhere (I couldn't see through all the damn trees) and I have no vehicle (the driveway is over a quarter mile long and pretty steep) and J has no cell phone. I search for the aunts number and the grandmother's number and call. No answer.

Now I am feeling like shit because I didn't go when I knew she wanted me to. I deserve it. But I can't let her fear get to me. I have to believe that she is fine and she is safe because if I start thinking the other way, I will drive myself nuts. (Which I already am since I'm writing all this.) Fuck!

Tainted Mistakes

I'm pretty sure that I have been subconsciously putting off the next Back Then entry because this next installment is where I made my first mistake when it comes to Rich. Its where I made the first step in changing my path and altering what I thought my life would be. But...as I said, no regrets. It all happened for a reason.

Back Then...

There were two reasons I was going to the last party of the summer. One was to see Sam and the other, to break up with Rich. God, I was fourteen and heading into my sophomore year. I didn't need a boyfriend. I was trying to get my life back in order. Clean up and start doing better in school. Something, anything but what I was doing. Wasting it.

LG was right on time as I waited at the corner, smoking a cigarette. "I knew you would be here," she grinned.

"Yeah, but its not how you think." I was confident in my words. I had my plan set.

I wasn't going to drink anything that wasn't sealed closed. I wasn't going to take anything that was offered. I was going to walk in, say hello's, and find the two people I wanted to see.
And so far, I was doing good. I was shocked when I ran into LL. She was a girl from my old neighborhood and we had went to middle school together. Feeling safe hanging with her, we talked about music and the old neighborhood for a while.

The old neighborhood brought up all those old feelings for MM. Mostly, it made me miss her to the point of feeling like a hallow shell. And after LL said she had to go, I made my first mistake. I went to the fridge and found something to drink thinking that anything in there was safe. I should have known better.

Sam found me before I found her and I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt or both or what. She pulled me out the back door and I couldn't have stopped her if I wanted to. Whatever I had ingested was just about to kick in and I was feeling good. Real good. And I hated myself for liking the feeling.

"What the hell did you do last night?" she asked. Her face, her lips were just an inch away and I wanted to taste them.
I shook my head because I really didn't know what I had done the night before and I was past the point of caring as I stared at her lips. "I'm not sure," I confessed. "What did I do?"

She cocked her head to the side as she really stared into my eyes. I was feeling dizzy and her eyes were like kaleidoscopes. She took my cup from my hand and downed half of it before she tossed the rest in the dirt. "You should know better, B. Everything in this place is tainted."

"I know but...I was thirsty," I laughed. Not so sure why it was funny but at that moment everything amused me. Even the fact that I was sad.

She kissed me. It was nice and slow and intensified by the drug and I was sure that I was floating in the air or something. I remembered thinking that maybe I had wings but only when I was high because that's when I would let down all my guards and walls and relax and let the past go. Maybe.

"At first," she said as she trailed her fingers down the center of my chest, "I was mad that you said yes to Rich. I was hurt but really I had no right. So I was thinking," and now she was laughing because words were so amusing, "if you stay going out with him, I will see you all the time."

"Can't," I said. I shook my head as far as I could from side to side. "I hate him."

"Well, I hate BG too. They will just be a front so we don't get caught."

I thought about that. Get caught doing what? Oh, kissing. I didn't care about getting caught doing that, I think. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't want people to think that I was a lesbian. Or did I? I was confused and fucked up and this is where I made my second mistake.

"So, I stay going out with Rich and you stay going out with BG and then we can...we can what?" I asked.

Sam's lips were so damn soft and she was such a good kisser and so damn beautiful that it hurt and I think I wanted her a lot more than I ever admitted to myself. She could have conned me into giving her everything I had at that moment. Fucking drugs. Fucking women.

"Then we can hang out together and no one will ever think a thing. And LG, she can hang out with RM and no one will ever think a thing." She kissed me again and I was convinced.

I never once thought that maybe Sam and LG had some kind of conspiracy thing going on. But I should of, even though I would have been wrong. But I might not have agreed if I had thought LG had anything to do with anything I made a decision about. I didn't trust her.

But, I was high and the decision was made. My third mistake...I didn't break up with Rich. I actually hung around with him that night like I actually liked him. I know I shocked a lot of people. I shocked myself, that's for sure. And that was the first step I took in the direction of my life of hell.

Altered State

I was all that she needed and she needed so much.
Warm skin to skin and an understanding that this is where complete comes from.
The arch of her back, the hand in my hair, my name on her lips, the taste of her on mine.
She was all that I needed but I wanted so much.
Her breaths turned to screams and her grip turned to blood.
I gave her all that she wanted, as much as I could.
Altered state. Feeling everything so liquid.
My lips to hers and the knowing that this is where forever is from.
In her. In me.
When I love you isn't enough.

Soggy

Just some pictures from around the area. I didn't take any of them and I'm not sure who did. Some were J's friends and others came from the news.




This is Pitts Park. Its not too far from where I'm at.







The Soque River is supposed to be way in the back of this picture. J said that from where the photographer is standing you shouldn't be able to see the river at all.

Good thing this stuff is bolted down.

This was the road one of J's friends lived on.







I was told this was Mableton, GA. It might be near Atlanta.




Sadly, they are finding cars that were washed away with their drivers still inside.

Can you see the horses back there? Crazy. Well, I hope everyone is safe. It looks like the worst of the rain might be over. The weather man said that there will be some scattered stuff for a while but they fear there might be more down pours for the weekend.

Flash floods: high water

It has been raining for 9 days and relief doesn't look like its coming for at least another day or so. I now understand the meaning of flash floods.

The Soque River is being brutal. It has taken over Pitts Park and flooded the houses that are along its banks. There are roads and bridges being washed out and neighborhoods that can only be accesses by boat.

We are lucky so far. We live on the side of a mountain. The only thing we need to watch is the driveway. The creek that flows under it is usually 5 to 12 inches deep at most parts but at the moment, its up to about 4 or 5 feet. Another two and it will be over the road.

Sadly, a few of our friends haven't been so lucky. A friend of J's from high school had three feet of water in her house yesterday. Another friends entire basement and half of their first floor is still under water. Its not pretty and it has even been deadly.

I will have pictures soon.

Wasted

I almost forgot...

I changed the song order on the play list over there <----.

The song that should be playing is "Wasted" by L.P. Some people might recognize the song from The-N TV show, South of Nowhere. It was a pretty cool show but, unfortunately its no longer on. (How hot was Ashley!)

I actually stumbled across this song while I was doing research for a book I was writing. I instantly fell in love with it and its one of the many songs I play live. Its fun to play, great to sing, and the lyrics...just listen.

L.P. (not Linkin Park thank God), she is a very talented musician with some crazy ass hair. And here is the video for the song:
L.P. on Myspace

Hmph...

...J pissed me off so I sent her to her grandmother's. I don't know what was wrong with her but she was acting all grumpy and mean. So I picked her up and carried her to the front door, gripped her shirt when I let her down and told her, "Go to your grandma's, drink some damn coffee, and don't come home until you are in a better mood."

**Just to let you know, I was laughing the entire time. I wasn't being mean at all.

So you know what she tells me? "I'm in a good mood 95% of the time, so...."
So I told her, "Well, spend that 5% of "other mood" with your grandma. I bet she'll send you back here when she has had enough of you."

Okay, we were joking around but she really was in a bad mood and acting weird.

Other news: The new book I'm hard at work writing is coming along great. The main character kind of reminds me of me a few years back. That just sounds strange.

I still haven't started the art project I have been thinking about but only because the weather has been rainy. All the equipment is out in the building but its so packed, I can't actually do the work in there. So I have to wait for the drier weather, which means it will probably be cooler and I'm not quite ready for the cooler weather yet.

So be it.

September is full of birthdays for me. I think I should just buy a damn Hallmark store. J's was on the 1st. My grandma and a close friends was on the 8th. My cousin had hers on the 14th. Mom and my littlest little sister's is this weekend. My niece is on the 21st. And my step-mom's is at the end of the month. Of course you can't forget that Joan Jett's birthday is this month too. I know I'm missing a few...of J's family, I think (there's 3 if I'm right). And they are all women! And you know what kind of hell I hear if I miss one of them.
There are two guy friends (both named Steve) that have birthday's this month too.

Calgon, take me away! (That shows my age, doesn't it.) Virgo's = hmph!

I wanted to add a huge CONGRATS! for my friend JENOPHOBIC on making it to her ONE year. Its a big deal, and I want her to know I'm proud of her!

Delicate Life

Forget all about all those things I said I would be posting about (even though I never explained what they were) because I need to write a little bit about my sister.

In mid June of 1987, my dad and his wife (not my mom) rushed to the hospital. His wife was having complications with her pregnancy. I, the oldest of us all at the young age of 11, was left to watch my younger brother and my two younger step-sisters. We were scared because we knew that if the baby came on that night, she would be almost two months early.

Step-mom was real sick and they decided to keep her in the hospital. Finally, at the end of June, our sister was born. She was small but the doctors said she was a fighter...if they only knew how true their words were. We got to see pictures because the doctors had to keep her for a while. Dad said that because we were her sisters and brother, that we would get to name the newest member of our family.

We all wrote down a series of names...one favorite was Shit Head (dad's contribution)...and gave the list to Dad. He took it to the hospital and step-mom read over the list. She picked one and Dad agreed. They called us up to tell us the news. I was more than shocked to find out that they picked the name I had wrote. More than that, I was kind of honored.

So Lisa got to come home about a month later. She was strong and beautiful and Dad said she looked just like me. She was the coolest thing to all of us kids. We spent the entire rest of the summer in the house watching her constantly. We were afraid that if we left her side, we would miss a cool new sound or facial expression she would make.

But then, summer ended and me and bro had to go back home to Mom's and go back to school. We rarely got to see her after that. Christmas and a few weekends here and there. And every time we did see her, it seemed that she had grown so much more than the time we saw her last.

Newborn was suddenly 4. I was tangled in my out of control life and my brother was entering the gang scene. Lisa would call our house and if we weren't there, she would talk to our mom. Whether it was us or Mom, the conversation was always the same. Lisa would tell us how she always had a stomach ache, how she would get sick, and how she would fall down a lot.

We had known that Dad had been taking her to the doctor for these problems but the doctors were stumped. Six months and countless "lets try this" remedies and she was still sick and seemed to be getting worse. Finally, one doctor got smart and sent her for a brain scan.

Everything went in fast forward from there. She was rushed to the best children's hospital in Florida, Miami Children's Hospital, because she was in need of emergency surgery to remove a tumor in her four year old little head that was the size of a grapefruit. Yes...that big.

Mom drove Bro and I down there because we had to give blood in case...just in case they needed it.
The surgery took hours but it seemed like days but sometime in the middle of the night, the doctors walked in to the waiting room where our entire family...I mean everyone...waited on the edge of our seats.

The surgery was a success, he said, and they got the entire tumor removed. We had to wait for the tests to find out if it was cancer. But then he said something that I don't think any of us believed. "She might not know who you are when you see her. She will have to learn to talk and walk again and there is a possibility that she might never do either ever again. She's not going to be the same."

Bullshit, I thought. Not my little sister. She's a fighter and she's strong. You'll see, I told the doctor. I think he brushed me off thinking I was just some crazy teenager with a bad attitude and a loud mouth. But I knew my sister...he had no idea.

Bro and I and many of our family members spent three weeks in that waiting room. We slept there, ate there, and took drive-by-trucker baths in the sinks. The outcome was that there was no cancer, and we were relieved, but she still wasn't awake long enough to see what the effects of the surgery were.

Lisa loved to hear me sing. Her favorite song for me to sing was "Sweet Child of Mine," by Guns and Roses. So when it was my turn to sit with her during the day, I would sit there holding her little hand and sing it to her until I couldn't sing anymore.

I had just finished the song for the fourth time and was taking a break because my throat was sore. I started to get up and let go of her hand but she gripped my fingers so hard it almost brought me to my knees. "Again," she demanded. "Again."

Its hard to sing when you are crying but I pulled it off and when I finished she sat up in her bed and said, "I want a Big Mac."
She had the entire room laughing through their tears as she demanded all these silly things from all of us. She was a little mean but cute as hell. And I turned around and smiled at that doctor. "I told you."

Except for the shaved head and the new strength (from steroids they had to give her for the swelling), you would have never known there was ever anything wrong with her. When they finally let her go home, she would call me from time to time and make me sing so she could fall asleep. Her hair grew back and it covered the scars. She was back to her normal self in the blink of an eye.

Lisa just turned 22. She's married and has a beautiful daughter who turned one this year. Dad says she is just like me in so many ways that we should have been twins. Yeah, I'm proud of that. She calls me every chance she gets and we have our song that thankfully she no longer makes me sing (at least not every time we talk) but we do laugh about it. I'm proud of her and everything she has accomplished her life so far. Most of all, I'm proud to say she's my sister.

And when she calls me and says, "I'm so sorry to call you up and just vent." I tell her, "Don't worry about it. That's what sisters are for." I'll laugh and then she'll tell me, "You are the only one who can make me feel better, the only one I can talk to about this world of complications that I call life."

And I tell her, "I will always be here for you, no matter what. Even if its just to sing you that damn song."
She'll say, "See, I feel better already."

This is the message she sent me on facebook after I had missed her call and wrote to her giving her my new cell number: "Love you and miss you too...I hope all is well. I hope to talk to you soon...I really need my sister to talk to right now. TTYL"

And after we talked she sent this: "Thanks...I am glad that I got to hear you. It has been so long since I spoke to you. I just felt better being able to talk to you. Thanks again....Love you."

I thank God everyday that my little sister, the one I almost lost at the young age of four, is able to call me up and unload her problems whenever she needs to...even if I have to sing that damn song.

Life is too short...Live it, dream it, BE IT!

Love like that

There are a few things I wanted to write about and, for the past two hours or so, I have been trying to figure out if I should just write them all together in one post or split them up. But then...I somehow walked into this:

A little background first...J's mother passed away 5 years ago. She was an amazing woman that everyone loved. I miss her but I know that J and Mick miss her more than I could ever imagine.

Mick, J's dad, has been dating. He's recently single again since his girlfriend broke up with him about a month ago. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone and he's been struggling to find a single woman to date. So we signed him up for a few of those online dating sites. It's funny because, since this is such a small town, the women that he is finding on these sites, he actually knows. And the conversation I walked in on was between him and J about these women.

Mick: When she was young (one of the women he saw on the site) she was built. Built like a brick house. If her face was a little bit better she would have been...whoa!

J: (laughing at her fathers choice of words.) I can't picture that.

Mick: Well, now. Back then, I was hot. I had long hair, all muscles. I wore the tank tops and women couldn't resist my blue eyes. (Note: He does have some beautiful eyes. Lucky for me, J inherited them.) I worked down at the mill. And I would hang out with all those girls, flirting.

He gave us detailed recounts of what these women looked like when he was a kid.

Mick: And your momma. I think she got to me the most because she would act like she wasn't interested in me.

Me: She played you.

J: Momma played you and you fell for it.

Mick: (laughing) She did. I know she did. She would talk about some boy at school and it would just burn me up. And she wouldn't act interested in me when all the other girls were throwing themselves at me. That just made me want her more.

J: Mom pulled your strings. She knew what she was doing.

Mick: She did. And I believe that it was the best thing that could have happened. I fell for her. And I'm glad I did. She was the best one. The best one for me.

He went on to tell us how certain family members were against them dating. Mick was a city boy and they didn't like it much. And how one of J's mom's older sisters helped convince everyone that they should be together.

My parents, they were divorced when I was little. I can't really remember any happy times between them. J's parents...married and as much in love the day she passed away as they were when they were just teenagers. They were married for more than twenty-five years.

And he still loves her.

*squint*

Today I am...

completely incomplete...

perfectly imperfect...

dreaming with my eyes wide open...

satisfyingly unsatisfied...

and J loves me.

What more can I say

Thoughts creeping

I think last night is the first night in a very long time that I actually slept through it without waking up a million times and checking the clock to see if it was a good time to wake up.

Dreamers never sleep.

And when I woke up this morning, I felt like I had been in a coma or something. It was very strange. I didn't even have any dreams to tell J about over our normal morning talks. (Truth...it wasn't really morning anymore.) But J had a dream that was odd enough for both of us to ponder.

But I did remember some of my thoughts before I fell asleep. Sorry if they are a little cryptic but I know who and what they are about.

I told you once that I loved you. I meant it but I no longer feel it. So don't find me and then hide from me. I won't chase you. Because, really, I. Don't .Care.

Maybe there are alternate universes. I find it very hard to believe that in the infinite space, Earth is the only planet that could support life. But...I don't really want to think about it anymore.

The character has to fall in love with her because...I said so. Its my imagination anyway.

It was cool that he found me but did he have to show me the picture of her. I hadn't thought about her in a long time so I thought her ghost had finally set me free. Man, was I wrong.

I wonder if I can will J to turn down the music. Oh, wait! That's The Runaways. "Babe, turn that up, please."

Singing Queens of Noise. "Stop, look, listen to my heartbeat." Man, I haven't heard this song in years.

Cool. Songs over. Maybe she will turn it down....wait. That's Tool. "Why can't we not be sober..."

God, I think I might have asked that same question a million times back then.

It's too light in here to sleep.

[I was wrong. That was my last thought.]

Set the scene

J and I just finished watching the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Okay, I know we are behind but...look, she is lucky to have gotten me to sit for so long. (She had me watch Benjamin Button first. Descent movie.) But the IBTC movie was one I picked to watch. Someone said that it reminded them of me. So I had to see.

Great movie. And I can so see me in it... its scary.

After every movie we watch, we always check out the bonus stuff. Before I go on, you'll need to know this: J and I both want to be in independent lesbian films. No, not for the sex scenes you silly ass. We both just think it would be fun. Okay....so in the bonus stuff on the IBTC disc, there was a shot of Jane Lynch at some kind of premiere or something.

J: Was that Jane Lynch?
Me: I think so.
J: Is she really gay?
Me: (laughs) I really don't know. Let me call up Ellen DeGeneres and see if she knows.
J: Smart ass.
Me: Really babe, I don't know.

Inside info...J is somewhat a comedian. I really believe she can make anyone laugh. She believes it too.

J: I want to be in a film with her.
Me: Who?
J: Jane Lynch. I want to do a sex scene with her.
Me: (Laughing so hard my ribs are hurting.) Oh my God!
J: (Laughing at me laughing.) You can see it, can't you. We'd be lying in bed and we'd never actually get to do the sex because we would constantly be doing something silly or something silly would happen. It would be the funniest non sex sex scene ever.

It would. I think it would be so fucking funny that they would have to edit it out because everyone involved would be laughing too much to actually film it.

In the works and such

My mind has been busy and my imagination has created a brand new world to run around in. If it would slow down just a little, I might be able to keep up.

In the works:
A new art project. Lots of wood and power tools...oh yeah.
Also coming soon...drawings. G-ma wants me to do a M. Jackson portrait. Sadly, I'm not feelin' it at all. But I do know the next thing I am drawing...a different view. I dreamt it last night.
And...drum roll please...I have a new book in the works. Its hot! Very HOTTTTTTTT! Sex has never been written so good.
My life would not be complete if there wasn't some music in it so...after going all punk rock on my acoustic, I broke a few strings. I went to the local music store (there's two if you believe that) and replaced them. Got them extra light so I could bend the hell out of them and my fingers wouldn't bleed. Well, my fingers are still bleeding but I'm coming up with a ton of new material. Now if I could just get Freak and J in the same state, maybe we could do some recording.

Back to my mind. I'm a purely positive thinker. I kid you not. If I'm watching TV, I even mute the fucking commercials. I can't stand the way they try to make people think they have all these fucking problems. I swear there are pills for everything. The day they come out with a pill for people who don't blink enough will be a funny one but still, enough with the negative thought injections. Wake up people. There is nothing wrong with you that you can't cure yourself. Hmph. Thoughts are things. You think it, so be it. Get it? Got it? Good.

I think everyone should mute commercials. I believe the world would be a much healthier place.

Anyway, I pride myself on knowing the secret. And the other day, I had this like, mental breakdown of sorts. It was weird especially since it was me. I'd expect it from J but that's another story for another day. So in this breakdown (which seemed to be brought on by the past and the biz and all. The entire reason I had to walk away) my mind kept screaming "why!" and "what if" and it is so unlike me to do that. But, since I believe that everything happens for I reason, I let it flow.

Good thing too, because if I wouldn't have broke down I wouldn't have came back up with such a new outlook on it all. There is nothing that happens in my life that I don't attract. You always get what you feel the most and (the downside) what you fear the most. So when I say I have no fears...I am being completely honest. I fear nothing because I don't want fear to manifest. Okay, so I know why all the things that happened in the past came to be. I know why I had to drop off the face of the Earth and restart my life again. Best of all, I understand. And that new understanding is what will keep it from happening again.

The best thing that came out of the breakdown: There is no WRONG way. If you believe the way you are doing things is the right way , then it IS the right way. And as long as you never doubt that it is the right way, it will always be the right way. Think about it...you'll get it.

The universe is unlimited.
LIVE IT, DREAM IT, BE IT!

Now will someone please tell J I'm not leaving her. That look in her eyes when she says, "Please don't leave me," kills me inside.

Crucify then learn....

I love these girls!

Dimes, Lani....its "Cut Throat"

New album is out September 15th!



Oh Yeah!

I know the secret

Live it, dream it, BE it!

Have a great weekend and holiday everyone!

I shall live by passion and not by law...

I know, I know. Two posts, one day. Watch out world.
But because I love Otep and I think she is gorgeous...got to AfterEllen and read people!

If you are interested, you can buy their new CD here.

Warning!

Just a few things...

I am cold. Enough about that.

Dimes, thank you. I owe you a post!

This time of the year gets a little strange for me. I'm not sure how to explain it but things just get mixed up in my head and I seem to push people away while I try to empty it. Like always, I will fight it but I rarely win the battle.

Its also the most creative time for me. For instance, last night I grabbed my notebook for absolutely no conscious reason. I lit up a smoke and closed my eyes for about a minute. Next thing I know my imagination is being infiltrated by this story that wouldn't let me go. I had to write. And write. And write. And then I tried to sleep but the story kept playing in my head. So I was back up and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I finally crawled in bed around 8:30 this morning and that was only because my pen ran out of ink and I didn't want to wake J as I looked for a new one. (I miss my laptop!)

Random facts:
From early September to the end of October, it would be wise to give me my space.
Also in that time, be prepared to be bombarded with all the crazy ideas that swim in my head because I will need help sorting them out. But if you help me, don't let me know you are helping me.
October 31st is my most favorite day of the entire year. Because I know the chatter will quiet down soon.
I sometimes hand write my stories and if I do, I will only use a Zebra F-301 black ink pen to write with. If that pen runs out of ink, I will not touch the story again until I replace it.
I really hate being cold. Especially if it is that kind of cold that goes all the way down to your bones. There is only one exception to this and that is...I'm okay as long as J is keeping me warm.
Doubt will not exist for me these next few weeks. There will be nothing I can't do and if you tell me otherwise I will prove you wrong.
If you thought my ramblings were scattered before, you might have trouble understanding anything from me at least until November.
I don't understand it, I don't know why, but trust me...it will all pass. And then come December, my friends and family will receive gifts from me that I either wrote, drew, painted, recorded, built, or conjured from any other creative outlet you can think of.

Truth...J hates this time of the year for me. She says that the way I act ignites her fears of losing me.

Speed and the psycho dikes

When I sold out of my last business, I immediately threw away my cell phone. I hated that thing. It would ring all the damn time and it drove me up the wall.

Don't get me wrong, I loved to hear from my friends and family. It wasn't them that I didn't want to hear from anymore. It was the people that were associated with the business. I kid you not. One night around two in the morning, while J and I were uh...busy, the phone rang. Of course I ignored it. But the person wasn't giving up. On the third time they called, I answered with obvious anger in my voice. One of the guys I did business with was on the other end, drunk out of his mind. He said he dialed the wrong number but then proceeding to ask me if I would like to be his company for the night. WTF! Right?

So, yeah, I was more than happy to toss that damn phone as soon as I was no longer associated with the business.

Well, Mom wasn't too happy about this. She hated not being able to talk to me whenever she wanted. So when I was down there last month, she got me another one.

No problem. Except I keep forgetting that I have one and I leave it at home most of the time. Besides, there is only a special select few that I actually gave the number to. And Starr is one of them.

Last night, after I posted that bit on the weather changing, I got a phone call. It was CLC night and all the girls were hanging out together. They had me on speaker phone and each of them got on to me about that little bit I added at the end of my post. The part about moving to Alaska.

I'd be lying if I said that J and I haven't seriously considered it. I've never been there but from the pictures Mel has sent me, the place is breathtakingly beautiful. And like I said, we could spend the winters in Hawaii with my cousin. It sounds perfect but...

"Hell no!" Starr practically yelled in the phone.
"That's right, Speed. Don't you even think of it," Walker added.
"I'll fly up there and beat the shit out of you right now," Bruiser threw in.
I could hear the rest of the girls protesting in the background too.
"What are you guys talking about?" I had to ask because I was really clueless.
"I just got your update on my phone. You cannot move to Alaska." Starr sounded like my mom for a second. "Since you left, we hardly get to see you. If you move to Alaska, we will never see you."
"Guys," I tried to explain. But they didn't want to hear it.
"Speed," Candy spoke, "my sister from another mother. And father for that matter. But that's beside the point. I love you. We love you. You already left us and are now 717 miles away. If you move to Alaska, you will be like 10,000 miles away. I couldn't handle that. I'm already suffering from separation anxiety with you being in Georgia. If you moved to Alaska, I would go out of my mind."

They are the greatest friends.

Peace grabbed the phone and took me off speaker. "I wonder what the waves are like in Alaska. Wait. No I don't. Please tell me that you really aren't going to move there."

"Nah, hun. I have no intentions on moving to Alaska anytime soon. But I really am going there next summer for that wedding." There was a certain sadness in her voice and it kind of made me feel horrible and horribly loved all at the same time.
"But, Speed. What if you go there and you do fall in love with the place and then next thing we know, we get a post card from you saying that you are never coming back to the east side and, well...who will I call when Walker pisses me off and Starr won't listen and you are too busy snowboarding Mt. McKinley and won't answer your damn phone again? How will I complain to you about Candy doing those crazy ass stunts on her bike that you two used to do together and she scares the shit out of me? Or," and her voice got softer, "who will sing to me when I've had one of those days where the paint just isn't right on the canvas and the rain won't fall? It won't be you because you will be in like a different time zone and living it up in some untouched landscape and forgetting all about us. The people who love you to death."

You would really have to know us to know exactly why I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.
"Aikona, baby," I said as I caught my breath. "Not gonna happen. But if it did, what makes you think that I wouldn't invite all of you to come up for an extended visit? And then when you got there, you all fell in love with the place and decided that you no longer needed anything you had in Florida and you moved into my garage and we spent everyday of the summer chasing bears on the four wheelers and everyday of the winter snowboarding and skiing and building really cool snowboarding parks all over the place. And you'd paint all those untouched landscapes and sell them for millions and Candy wouldn't ride her bike anymore because she would be having too much fun off-roading and Walker wouldn't piss you off because she would be chasing the Eskimo chicks around and Starr would be more relaxed than she had ever been in her entire life and Bruiser would become a bear wrestler and Dimes and Lani would be making very beautiful babies for us all to fall in love with. What if?"

Peace took a second, I guess she was contemplating. "That actually sounds really cool. Except for the part about Bruiser and the bears."

Dimes somehow got the phone from Peace. "These chicks are crazy if they actually think that you would move that far away from us."

I laughed. "Right."

"Besides, don't they know that there is way too many men up there and definitely not enough women. I think its like 7 men to every woman. What lesbian would ever want to live there?"

I had to laugh even harder. Leave it to Dimes to think of it that way.

So, to ease all of you crazy dikes minds, I'll be in Georgia. At least until next summer. And then we can talk about it. Love you girls!

Four Seasons?

I can feel it. The season changing. I guess summertime is really just about gone.

Honestly, if you would have asked me while I was living in Florida which season was my favorite, I would have said the winter time. Not like we really had winter. But anything below 80 degree's was cold to us and it always felt so good to get that little relief from the super hot Florida sun.

Believe it or not, it snowed in South Florida once. I was four, I think. It might have only lasted for about five minutes and was gone as soon as it hit the ground, but it did snow. I remember my Grandma Beth woke me up and took me outside so I could see. It was funny because I asked her if the Everglades were on fire. The snow looked like the ashes that we would see floating around when there was a big blaze out there. I don't think she ever really explained what exactly the snow was so when I called my other grandma to tell her about what I saw I said, "You should have seen it, Grandma. The clouds got so cold that when the wind blew, it broke of little frozen pieces of clouds and they started falling on the cars. But they weren't heavy pieces."

I moved up here to the mountains last winter. Winter is no longer my favorite season. I don't think my bones thawed out until a few months ago and now, it is starting to get cold again. To me its cold. To J, its just real nice.

I have a cousin that lives in Alaska. Up until about ten years ago, half of my family lived in Alaska. My cousin Mel is the the only one still living up there. I don't know how she does it. One winter, my uncle called down on Christmas and told us that they had been in the house for two weeks because it was too cold to go outside. He said that if you were out there for more than five minutes, your lungs would freeze. Crazy shit. I couldn't imagine. (J and I will be in Alaska next year for Mel's wedding. Mel warned me that I will think that its so beautiful up there that I will never want to leave.)

But, it is inevitable. The weather is going to change. And before I know it, winter will be here.

Maybe...I'll take Mel up on the offer to move up there and work with her. She spends the winters in Hawaii.

Set the Scene

I'm sitting at the desk and J and I are discussing our plans for the very near future (an hour from now actually because its her birthday and I have one more present for her) **use your own dirty mind**and she leans over to give me one of those supersoftsweetsexy kisses and of course my hand goes directly to her ass.

Me: Baby, your ass is wet?

J: Because that is where I dried off my hands after I washed them.

Hmmm...

To J..."And deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you"

Happy birthday baby! I loved spending every second of this day with you.

My love for you is colossal...and I know you know exactly what I mean!