I miss you.
I had a few rough years. Losing you shattered my belief in God. It shattered everything I thought life was supposed to be. Sometimes I still struggle to understand why God took you from us...from me. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish, but I loved you so much.
I'm afraid that I will forget you. I'm afraid that if I don't try so hard to see you in my memory that you will fade away. I need you in my life, though. From you is where I pull my strength and without it, without you, living would feel pointless. Please help me remember.
Remember that song I wrote about you? The one I sang to you at your grave? I don't cry anymore when I sing it but it still hurts as bad to do so. I sang it on your birthday at Grandma's on Thanksgiving by request. Aunt Pam got it on DVD and now everyone knows; She gave them all copies. Everyone knows how much I love you and miss you. I'm okay with that now, but I still won't let them see me cry.
This past week was a little tough. It felt like everything was colliding inside. I'm so far away from where they buried you. I know that is not where you really are, but when I'm there, it feels like I know you can hear me clearer. I really needed to talk to you. I really needed your advice. And I couldn't get there...so I did what I could here.
Thank you. I'm sure it was you last night...the quick cool breeze that blew the hair from in front of my eyes as I sat on the couch thinking of you. You always pushed my hair from my face. You made me smile, and that was something I hadn't done all week. I really needed that.
I know you are someplace better. I know you are where you are supposed to be. I have finally come to a truce with God and God's mysterious ways. But it doesn't stop me from missing you like mad. It doesn't stop me from loving you.
And please don't let it stop me from remembering you.
B
You made me cry, Speed. LYMU
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