Am I really as beautiful as J says I am? Am I really the angel my mom thinks I am? Am I really the Starr my grandmother tells me I am? Do I really have all this talent? Because they say it, do I have to believe?
I don't strive for anything anymore. Sadly, I've never strived to be beautiful at all. It wasn't my thing. Unlike my mother, I didn't try to make the outside look like anything other than what it looked like when I crawled out of bed each morning. I was reckless and a mess but it didn't stop them from telling me they thought I was beautiful. And I didn't care then and really still don't, but maybe I should. Because when J says it, when Starr whispers it, when MM told me all those years ago...they really mean it. They believe it. And if I don't believe, doesn't that make them liars?
The angel of her heart she says. No matter how hard I try, I don't feel it. And I'm sure I have no halo or wings but when I tell her this, she just smiles and says that not all angels have wings but it doesn't mean you can't fly. And that Starr she sees. I wonder if she will still see her when I tell her that I'm as gay as her other two grandchildren that she says she "lost".
Everything is shot. My perception, my confidence, my belief that I am what they believe I am. I just feel so...wrong. And I'm afraid people are going to get hurt or maybe I'll just end up hurting myself. But I need to be more than just their Beautiful Talented Starr of an Angel. I think I fucked up and I think that the only way I can redeem myself is to find myself again...without looking through their eyes and words.
I might not need those wings to fly but I do have to believe I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment