Edge

One the edge of...

I was dancing on the edge of something. Something that could only be between her and me. We were both in an altered mind state and feeling somewhat invincible, to the point of a blurred reality. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did and I can't go back now.

I wouldn't have changed a thing anyway. That connection was so clear. No walls, no fears, and completely comfortable in our skin. It was what I needed and she needed and we took and we gave until we were full. And that was enough to define the existence of the moment. The moment where we let it all go and got lost in just the feeling.

Perfect.

I am this moment...

No gray hair?

J just left to go visit her grandmother. No big deal, really, she lives on the next street. J and Rock go over there almost every day. Sometimes I go with them but not very often. I get bored too easily and I start to get fidgety.

Okay, I shall explain. When they go over there, all they do is sit and read the paper or watch TV. I can do the paper thing, but not much on the TV ever captivates me. Granny, as they call her, just talks and talks and talks and no one really listens to her. So...me, feeling like someone needs to pay attention, listens to her stories. The catch is, I don't really understand her. She has that real thick country drawl that J used to have. I used to think that J got tired of me asking her to repeat herself but she recently told me that it never bothered her. She now makes jokes about how she didn't know that I didn't understand her or her mother when they would talk to me. Anyway...

They were leaving to go and J and I stepped outside before they left. It is a beautiful sunny day up here in the North Georgia Mountains and the sun was reflecting the natural highlights in her hair. And then I saw it...

J turned thirty at the end of last year. To me, age is just a number. It doesn't define you...I'm living proof and older than her. It took me a while to convince her of this, but she finally forgot about her number in January or so. But I had to open my mouth...

The sun caught her hair as she turned to look at the door, wondering where her brother was. I saw it and I couldn't let it go. (I really thought it was funny.)

me: Babe...you got a...gray hair!
J: (Looking at me like I just told her that there was a spider crawling across her face.) No I don't! Don't say that.
me: (Poking at her head, trying to isolate the gray hair.) Yes you do. Its right here. (I held it between my fingers and tried to pull it so she could see.)
J: Its not a gray hair.

Between you and me...it was SO a gray hair. There were actually several more I saw but I figured I save those for a later teasing.

me: Do you want me to pull it out? (I was thinking she could be my tester on "if you pull one out, ten more show up")
J: No! Where is it?
me: (I direct her fingers to the strand.) Here. See? Its gray. I think you would look sexy with gray hair.
J: Hey now! (She pulls the hair out and looks at it.)
me: I'm just saying...when you do get all gray, I think you would still be sexy as hell.
J: My hair is brown. I'm not getting gray hair.

I squinted my eyes as I pictured her with a full head of gray hair. Definitely sexy.

J: Stop! I know what you are doing. I have brown hair, dammit! And it will stay that way.
me: (Laughing because she is so damn cute when she's flustered.) Then what is that you have in your hand?
J: (She looks at the GRAY hair and smiles.) This isn't a gray hair, its an albino hair. (She looks back at me with that evil grin.) And my hair is brown, just like your hair is blond.

Albino hair? I couldn't argue, I was laughing so hard.

Time for Change

Time to get back in the swing of things. So that means its time to get back to back then...

Yeah. The vultures were circling. And I was so fucked up. I was pretty sure at this point that it wasn't just acid I was on. And, for the life of me, I couldn't remember who handed me the drink. All bets were on LG.

"How you feeling?" LG asked as she sat down beside me.
I laughed a hollow, emotionless laugh. "My guess is that you know exactly how I'm feeling." I glanced over at her as RM sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm fucked up."

She grinned and stared at me like she was about to take out a knife and slice me to bits. Sadly, I don't think I would've been able to put up a fight.

Rich took a seat on the other side of me and tried to touch my hand. I quickly pulled it away, or at least it felt like I quickly pulled it away. The way my head was spinning, it probably took me ten minutes to even think about moving it. I shot him a look of pure hate. And that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up the next morning with the sun beaming in my eyes. The light felt like little needles being jabbed into them. I was in the front passenger seat of my mom's car with my feet hanging out the window and there was an arm around my shoulder. I covered my eyes with my hand and pushed at the weight that was across my stomach.

Somehow, I fell asleep next to Rich. LG's legs were across my lap and her head was on RM's lap. I had a very bad feeling in my gut and quickly exited the car to puke that feeling out. I thought that was my final straw with drugs and drinking. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I left the sleeping dogs in the car and went inside to take a shower. When I looked in the mirror, I had to do a triple take. Staring back at me was a trail of bite marks that went from below my left ear, down my neck, and to the top of my left breast. I looked a little closer and saw that my lip was bruised and bit too. Definitely the last straw.

I promised myself that it was the last time I would ever get so stupidly high. That I would never allow myself to not know what was going on around me.

I inspected the rest of my body and was relived to realize that the bites were the extent of my damage. That kissing was as far as it went. I think I might have killed someone if they had forced me to have sex. And yes, I would have known if I had had sex.

By the time I had finished my shower, my mom had left for work. And the dogs I had left in her car had gone too. I fixed a bowl of cereal and picked up the phone. I needed to talk to someone, badly.

"Uncle Shane?" I asked after I heard hello.
"Hey B! We were just talking about you last night. How is it going over there in the north east side of the county?"

It felt so good to hear his voice. Even though he was only a year older than me, he always seemed so much wiser than I ever felt.

"Its going. Any word on MM?" I had to ask.
"Nah, nothing. Rumor has it...she is living with a family member somewhere close. She hasn't been seen since the court hearings." I laughed when I heard him slurp his milk.
"Let me guess...Apple Jacks, huh." I took a bite of my own.
"Yep. You too?" he asked.
"You know it. So, you guys were talking about me. Anything good?"

He explained that they had rebuilt the quarter pipe and made it much wider and how Brad had thought I would be the best at shredding it. He gave me a list of people that all wanted him to say hi to me and that they missed me. I told him to say the same thing back to them all.

"I know you didn't call for the 'hello list.' You sound down." Shane was always good at reading me.

I explained what I could remember of the night before and then reluctantly told him about the marks left on my body. I could tell he was angry but I could also tell that he was trying to hide it.

"Who the fu...who did it?" he stuttered.
"This is the worst part, Shane. I really don't know. I can't remember a thing. But I do know that I woke up with Rich beside me. Guessing, I would say it was him." I felt awful. I felt worthless. I was more than ashamed.

I should have known better than to stay outside when I was starting to feel so messed up. I should have forced myself inside my house and locked all the doors. I knew that I couldn't trust any of them. And I explained it that exact way to Shane.

"Don't blame yourself. Well, do but don't. You never had that kind of problem when you lived out here. We all looked out for you. Especially MM." I heard him slam something down, hard, against the table. "God! I wish I could get out there somehow. What are you gonna do?"

When he asked, I went through a million scenarios in my mind. None of them seemed doable, but I had to try.

"I think its about time I quit the drugs and drinking and find myself a new group of friends. Maybe, with a little luck, it won't be as hard as it sounds."

I knew the new friends thing would be easy, but finding friends that were clean was going to be a pain in the ass. For the first time in my life, I couldn't wait for school to start. Maybe I'd turn into a jock or something. Join softball or soccer. I figured those kids were the closest I would ever get to finding the "good" kids.

"That's a big change, B. Going from being high on a nightly basis to being super clean. Its gonna be rough." He took a deep breath and let it out slow. "If anyone can do it, though, it would be you."

That was the vote of confidence I needed. He thought I could do it. I felt that I could do it. And the thought that MM would probably stand behind me was about all I needed. For a split second, I thought that maybe I should ask my mom for help. But I quickly thought better of it. As far as I knew, she had no idea of what I was really into and I didn't see any reason to bring her in now.

It was a time for change and I was gonna change it all.

The kidnapping gone wrong

Okay. I think I'm finally ready to write. I've been back from North Carolina for a few days now and the numbness is just now starting to wear off.

(I actually wasn't supposed to be home until this coming Sunday but I really couldn't take it anymore.)

A real quick thank you to Dad D and Freak for their consideration and hospitality. Thanks for altering the food you eat to feed me (celiac) and most of all, thanks for the ride up there and back. (Yes, Freak, you do snore.)

The party, Saturday night, was great. I drank way too much and shouldn't have smoked that stuff but from what I was told, I was still great entertainment. (All you people have dirty minds!) I enjoyed putting on that musical show for all of your friends, Freak. Please be sure to tell them, I'm much better when I'm sober!


Freak and I had several great music sessions. The more we fucked around, the better the music got. She actually confided in me that she had been nervous and anxious about picking up the guitar again. She really hadn't played much since her son (Aidan) was born. It kind of made me sad because she is like...picture August Rush but female. She knows the fret board like she knows how to spell her name. She has been playing and competing since she was eight and now, at the still young age of 22, she could be so much more than she allows herself to be. It was real hard to watch her bury all her talent deep inside of her. I hope she finds that love again.

Aidan...wow. Great kid. One of the greatest things...he wants to grow up to be a surfer. I promised I'd take him to Mavericks so we could watch the girls and guys surf the big waves one day. And then, when he's old enough, we'd go to Hawaii and check out the pipeline. Funny thing is, I don't think he's ever seen the ocean. Hmph.

I must have told Freak a million times how proud I was of her. Aidan is a very respectful and smart kid. And when I told her that I thought she was doing a perfect job raising him, she had tears in her eyes. She said I was the first person to ever tell her that. That I was the first person that didn't put her down for her parenting.

I blame her lack of confidence on the people she is surrounded with. There's too much negativity. Too many "friends" trying to raise her kid their way. They all need to just learn to mind their own fucking business. Aidan is her child. One she has been raising on her own, pretty much since he was born. If they would just step back, shut up, and observe they would see that she is an amazing mother just like I did.

This was one of the last conversations before I left...
Me: (to Freak) I have to go home. I'll make some calls and see if I can find a ride.
Freak: (Pure shock across her face) Really? Why?

I will not disclose why...sorry.

Freak: I'm sorry, she's like that sometimes. Okay, well. I'll take you home tonight. I'll get Hobbit to come with me.
Me: Let me try to find a ride first.
Aidan: B, you can't go home. You can't. Because all your friends will miss you.
Me: (I knelt down in front of him) I can't believe you just said that. You are so gonna make me cry. (I gave him a big hug.)

Great kid!

Caterpillar!

I spent the day, yesterday, with my friend Freak's son Aidan. When I get home from this trip, I will try to put a picture up of my new shadow. He is absolutely adorable and very intelligent. He's only four and already has the wit and charm of a seasoned pro. Irresistible. Think the little boy from the movie "Big Daddy."

After we flew around on the magic carpet (swung around on the hammock) and climbed the tree house, we sat on a bench that was built between two trees. He's got a really great imagination, so I figured I'd feed it since we were running out of things to do. I started telling him a story with him as the main character. Things were going along great in our make-believe adventure until he threw his hands in the air and made a face of pure horror, stomping his feet and pointing in my direction.

"Caterpillar!" he screamed several times, still pointing at me.
I asked him where about a million times and then finally he says, "On the tree."
I let out my panicked breath, relieved that it wasn't really on me. He took off in a run while I carefully removed the intruder with my fishing pole (it was just a stick). He came back and watched me fling the caterpillar off to its new home somewhere in the grass.

He climbed back up on the bench then picked up his stick fishing pole. "Okay," he said, much calmer than he was before. "Now lets get the one off of you."

My first thought was...you little shit! He had me get the damn caterpillar off the damn tree, where it really belonged, before he helped me get the one off my back! Mind you, the one on my back was much bigger and crawling its way to my neck. I'm not big on insects and critters and such, so I had no idea if the thing could possibly sting me or what not.

I called him on it. "Why didn't you tell me that there was one crawling up my back?"
He smiled the most deviant smile I had ever seen. "Because the one on the tree was closer to me."

Little shit!

Word from the road

Well, I am roaming around North Carolina. Been visiting family, old friends, and making new friends. Me and Freak played guitar until our fingers were bleeding and I sang until my voice stopped working. It felt so good.

I miss my girl. I know I've only been gone for a few days...but it feels like its been a decade already.

I'll do a better update as soon as I can...just wanted to stop by and say hi to all the bloggers in blog-land.

I leave with this conversation between me and my cousin that I haven't seen in like ten years or something.

Hobbit: I wanted a hug.
Jane: So, do you remember her now?
Me: Yeah, I used to change your diapers.
Hobbit: (He turns to Jane) She's seen my pee pee.

Definitions

in·con·sid·er·ate (nkn-sdr-t) adj.

1. Thoughtless of others; displaying a lack of consideration.
2. Not well considered or carefully thought out; ill-advised.

If this word describes you then FUCK YOU!

Kidnapping me

In an earlier post, I wrote about how my cousin Jane was plotting to kidnap me. Well, its official. Jane, Freak, and Writer will be kidnapping me Friday. As far as I know, I will be gone for one week.

Although I'm looking forward to the change in scenery and people, I'm dreading how much I'm going to miss J. This will be the first time in five years that we have been apart for more than a day. Not to mention, I will be in an entirely different state which seems to be making it that much harder.

She's dreading it too. Every ten minutes or so she says, "Please be safe up there" or "I'm gonna miss you." And then there is the "Don't do anything crazy" and "Please don't go get wasted and do something silly." She knows me too well. So I've made promises. No jumping off buildings or cliffs. No driving too fast. No getting wasted (actually, this one is a promise to myself. I haven't been wasted since November of last year.) No staying awake for days. It pretty much all goes back to the "please be safe" and "don't do anything crazy."

There is an upside to this trip. I might get the chance to audition the new drummer. I will be able to sit and have a music writing session or two with Freak (one of the most amazing guitar players I've ever met). And I'll get to see some family.

I am looking forward to the trip but still...

Its funny and I'm not crazy, I swear but I've been talking to the dogs (Aspen and Brody) all day like they are human and they understand, telling them that they have to protect J while I'm gone. Honestly, I think Brody is going to miss me as much as J. But Aspen will be more than happy that I'm away because that means she'll be able to sleep on the bed.

Countdown...a little over twenty four hours...the truth...I'm already starting to miss her...
Tonight...I'm not letting her go.

Getting back to good

The rest of the "back then" story makes me feel like such a hypocrite. Things started happening so fast that I didn't know which way was the right way and I kind of got lost (for many years). But like it or not, this is Life of Times and the purpose was to tell the story on how I got to where I am now. Back to the story...

I was stuck on the "he says you are his" words for hours. It was driving me up the wall. I didn't like being thought of as a possession, it made me feel...wrong. I steered clear of RM and Rich the entire night. I had even planned on staying drug-free that night but someone slipped me something in my drink. I remember bits and pieces of conversations but the thing that sticks out most from that night was that LG never left RM and Rich's side. It was like she was involved in some kind of conspiracy with them to make me his "property." I wasn't liking that one bit.

Frank, my neighbor from across the street, sat beside me in the driveway. I knew he could tell that something was bothering me. "What's got you lumpy? Bad trip?"

I liked Frank as a friend. He was a tough guy out of New York but he didn't act that way. He was more laid back and kind of charming that way. He had asked me out once but I quickly declined. He was older. Ten years older and that just seemed weird. Funny, after I kindly declined, he asked my mom out. She was ten years older than him. I think they actually went out a few times, too. Hell, most of my guy friends wanted a date with my mom and Frank was the only guy to ever succeed. My mom wasn't a slut and she did have an age standard.

"Nah. The trip is fine but," I looked around to see who was standing near us, "if I find out who gave it to me, I'm gonna beat their ass."

He laughed and slapped my shoulder. "Yeah right! You're telling me you didn't want to get high tonight?"

I shook my head and looked around us again. "To tell the truth, Frank, I really don't want to do this shit anymore. Any of it. No more coke, weed, sid, or WC's. I want my head to be clear."

I knew he was searching my face and eyes to see if what I had said was the truth. And while he contemplated my words, I contemplated myself. I stretched my legs out in front on me and inspected my Airwalks. I pulled at the frayed strings that sprouted from the holes at the knees of my blue jeans. And then my shirt. The T-shirt that MM had given me. Blue and white tie-dyed Iron Maiden shirt with a brightly sketched picture of Eddie on the front. His form came to life on my chest as I breathed in slowly. I had to look away.

So, I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest. I grabbed the neck of the shirt and brought it to my face. If I breathed deep enough, I could still smell MM. I knew she would respect my decision to quit drugs. She would stand behind me and even quit with me. But when I opened my eyes and looked out over my new friends, I knew that none of them were like her. None of them even came close. I was pretty sure that none of them respected me either. But the feeling was mutual.

Frank cleared his throat to get my attention. "Where were you?"
He must have been talking to me and I didn't hear a thing. I could have just blamed it on the drug. "I was...with an old friend," I smiled. Thinking of her always made me smile...and still does.
"Well, what I was saying is that, if that's the way you feel, you should just quit. I'll help you keep these guys away from here." He slapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously. "I'll get them the fuck out of here right now if you want."

I really wanted him to get rid of them but everyone was pretty wasted. It was nights like these that they would all pass out in my front yard. Seriously. My mom would have to wake us up to get us off her car sometimes. "Nah, not tonight. But thanks, Frank." I glanced over at him wondering if he really understood how serious I was.

"You say the word and I'm there," he grinned. "You know, KK is coming back from California next week. He wants to start that band. Are you in?"

I rested my chin on my knees. "I don't know. If I really want out of all this shit, I'm gonna have to stay away from the temptation." I glanced over at LG, RM, and Rich who were huddled together by RM's car. "And you know KK. He's carries more goodies around with him than RM over there could even get his hands on."

Frank laughed a deep, loud laugh that attracted a lot of attention. "You are so right." He got to his feet. "Well, I'm here if you ever need any help." He winked as he walked over to the crowd that was singing a horrible version of Slayer's "South Of Heaven" and he joined in.

In a matter of seconds, LG, RM, and Rich were circling me like vultures and I was their next meal.

Human Property

Back to the story...

As the summer went on, more and more people would show up at my house on a nightly basis. It became the local hangout...for everybody. Mom didn't mind as long as we didn't get too loud that the cops were called.

There was a new guy in the neighborhood. His name was Jason and he had stopped to talk to me a few times when he was riding around on his bike. I liked him and I liked his music. He was always wearing headphones, jamming to some new death metal band as he rode by.

"Hey, you wanna listen?" he asked as he rode up.

I was sitting on the trunk of my mom's car, smoking a cigarette and waiting for LG to finish her chores so she could come and hang out. "Sure," I smiled. Hey, he was cute. "Who is it today?"

"Today is some old stuff from Testament. You've heard of them, right?"

Of course I had heard of them. "Yeah," I nodded.

He dropped his bike and jumped up on the back of the car with me. He pulled one of the ear buds from his ear and passed it to me.
Jason wasn't like the other guys I had met from the neighborhood. He was nice, not cocky, and didn't push for anything other than to hangout with me every now and then. He was good looking, with a nice friendly smile, gorgeous blue eyes and long light brown hair that never looked messy. He respected my personal space and that is more than I could say for the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. Mostly we talked about music.

The sun was dropping fast and he was acting a little strange. He seemed nervous and a little out of his normal calm cool relaxed zone. He got down from the car and turned around.
"I was thinking," he almost whispered, "that maybe...maybe I could take you to the movies or something, sometime?" He stared down at the ground and rocked back and forth on his heels. For some reason, I found his actions completely hot.

"Yeah." I reached for the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. His rocking was pulling the ear bud away from me. "I'd like that," I grinned.

He was the first guy to ask me out without propositioning sex first. He was also my age. I liked him. So when he leaned in to kiss me, I let him. He was so nervous that it took all I had not to laugh. He stepped closer and moved a shaky hand over my leg as his other wrapped around my waist. It was the nicest, sweetest kiss I'd ever had from a guy.
I slid down from the car and he held onto me. He leaned back and smiled as he tucked my hair behind my ear. "I was sure you were going to say no."

I weighed his words. He pegged me right. Normally, I would have said no. And I probably would have decked him if he had tried to kiss me under any other circumstances. But, there was something about him that was different from the rest. He wasn't part of the drug scene I was in. He wasn't egotistical. He never made me feel uncomfortable around him. He was...better than the rest somehow and I wanted to be a part of that. Above the drugs and the loser life I had dropped myself in to. Maybe I thought that with him, I could get back to the nice clean fun and maybe back to good.

"I might have said no if you were anyone else," I admitted. "But you're all right," I smiled. I leaned back against the car and pulled him with me. He was a damn good kisser and I wanted more.

"Oh my God! I am not seeing this," LG yelled from her front yard.
I flicked her off and continued to kiss him.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked as she walked up beside us. "You're not one of us." Her voice was mean and loud.
"Fuck you, LG," I said. I put my hand against his chest and held him away from me a few inches. It was getting hot. "His name is Jason and who says I can't kiss someone that isn't one of us?"
LG shook her head and turned to face me. She put her hand on his shoulder and pushed him even farther away from me. "What about Rich?"

Whoa! She did not just say that. "Rich is a disgusting pig. There is nothing and never will be anything between us!"

Jason took a step back. "Maybe I better go."
I grabbed his shirt again and gave him another kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he said, looking from me to LG and then back at me. "Same time?"
I nodded and let him kiss me once more before he picked up his bike and rode off.

"What the fuck, LG?" I stepped up to her and gave her a shove. "Fuck Rich and those scum bag guys over there."

She looked surprised as she regained her footing and straightened up. She stepped in my face and raised her hands to shove me back. I brought my hands up on the inside and knocked her hands away. "The guys are gonna kick his ass if they see him hanging around you."
"Why the hell would they do that?" I stepped back and looked her over. "Sorry I pushed you."
She pulled out a pack of smokes and lit two. "I'll forgive you this time." She passed me one and jumped on the trunk of the car. "Look, Rich says you are his. If he sees," she pointed at Jason's back as he rode away, "him anywhere near you, he is going to beat the shit out of him."

The first thing that went through my head was why Rich would think something like that. I wasn't property and I sure as hell wasn't his girl. I barely ever spoke to him, even though he was hanging out at my house almost every night since he dropped me and LG off. But everyone was. And I never invited him. The second thing that crossed my mind was that Jason was no match for Rich.

"You're kidding me, LG. I'm not property. Especially not his. Who the fuck does he think he is?" I took a drag and let the smoke out slow. A few cars turned the corner and I recognized them as the gang starting to arrive. "I think its time I stop hanging out with these guys."

LG shook her head as she watched RM and Rich climb out of the car. "Impossible," she whispered.

Easter

Holidays are always hard without my family. Its like, nothing feels right. Christmas sucked!

This holiday was livable. J has a huge family and they all live right here. So a get together for them is as easy as a phone call and a short drive (or walk for some). I have to admit, I've been a part of her life for eight years and I still couldn't name half of the people in her family. BUT...neither can she!

Easter wouldn't be complete without little kids. The ever-famous Easter egg hunt that is a must. Just to watch the kids excitement as they find the well hidden eggs - in the plant, on the fence, in the thick of the grass - and the way they proudly display their find in the air above them. I took pictures of their hunt and captured Lexi as she found her first egg. She was so damn cute. Each egg she found, she held it up and said, "Wook! Wook!" I laughed the entire time.

When we got home, my mom called from Florida. I talked with my nieces about what the Easter Bunny had brought them. Earrings and candy. My oldest niece boasted about finding the golden egg and how there was money in it. She raked in $13 on her hunting adventure. I asked her to buy me something with it and send it to me. She said, "Its not enough. If I buy you a gift, I want it to be $100. But it might be too heavy to send, then."

Their little "I love you's" made my heart miss them more and it hurt to know I missed hanging out with them and playing "Use your imagination" laying in my moms back yard and staring at the clouds. And I didn't get to chase little Ella around with the tickle bug. And...for the first year, I didn't get to hide those eggs for them.

Sometimes, its the little things you miss the most.

Facebook comment wars

Facebook comment wars...what more can I say. I have a lot of strange, hilarious friends. The best thing is that we all have the same off the wall humor that most people wouldn't get. Actually, we would probably be institutionalized if someone was to read some of our conversations that we've had on that IM thing on facebook. On to the comment war...

A little background on KC. She is an old friend from high school who recently found me on facebook. Up until two weeks ago, it had been about 17 years since we had spoke to each other. But I swear...its like we never lost touch. There was actually four of us in this group and KC found SB and I found MP. So we are all back together again! Watch out world...lol.


My pal, KC, wrote this on my wall: its a wonderful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood, would you be mine, could you be mine ..wont you be my neighbor. Won't you be my neighbor!

Me commenting: at 11:21pm April 10
OMG!

KC: at 11:21pm April 10
you know you love Mr rogers.

Me: at 11:29pm April 10
love like in a "you are a freaky ass mofo and I don't wanna trigger your inner psycho, so I'm gonna be nice (safe) and say that I love you" kind of way

KC: at 11:31pm April 10
wow is someone a little paranoid........... you so know you are a closet Mr. Rogers fan. go ahead say it out loud it's OK.

Me: at 11:37pm April 10
paranoid? paranoid! Have you ever seen that creepy ass smile...those crazed eyes, like he was planning on how he was going to cook you...yeah...you'd be paranoid too

KC: at 11:38pm April 10
you know he can't see you through the tv right? Didn't your mommy teach you that?

Me: at 11:41pm April 10
I knew my mom forgot to teach me something...damnit!

KC: at 11:43pm April 10
i guess she taught you most of the important stuff

Me: at 11:44pm April 10
yeah...like Mr. Rogers is creepy.

KC: at 11:45pm April 10
lmao

Somewhere in between all that...I wrote this on her wall: only if you promise to buy me those slippers and a silly sweater

KC commented: at 11:22pm April 10
i think i can afford that

Me: at 11:28pm April 10
yeah...but I'm not sure if you wanna see that...me in JUST the slippers and sweater

KC: at 11:29pm April 10
u need a g- string and pasties too. ok

Me: at 11:30pm April 10
you buying?!

KC: at 11:32pm April 10
YOU KNOW I AM BUT YOU MUST PARADE AROUND IN IT

Me: at 11:38pm April 10
*I'm too sexy for these slippers...too sexy for these slippers*

KC: at 11:39pm April 10
ok RIGHT SAID FRED

Me: at 12:08am April 11
you know I'm too sexy otherwise you wouldn't be PAYING!

KC: at 12:10am April 11
your sexiness often keeps me up at night

Me: at 12:12am April 11
i know...what can i say...but I won't apologize...God made me this way *striking my pose*

KC: at 12:14am April 11
you doing that muscle man pose again?

Me: at 12:22am April 11
and I'm touching myself...because I can't help it, I'm so sexy

KC: at 12:23am April 11
when i think about you i touch myself .................you singing that song while you do it?

Me: at 12:24am April 11
OWWWW!

KC: at 12:25am April 11
shall i sing it to you?

Me: at 12:27am April 11
please...but I wanna hear Joan..."I Wanna Be Your Dog"

KC: at 12:28am April 11
man now i am going to have that song stuck in my head for days. I hope you appreciate it. at 12:29am April 11 don't know if i know the all words to that

Me: at 12:30am April 11
i do appreciate it and fake it...i won't mind

KC: at 12:31am April 11
straight women are use to faking it

Me: at 12:31am April 11
exactly

KC: at 12:33am April 11
so it should be good then., very believable

Maybe I'll post some of the comments we got on this little war later, but for now, I hope it made someone laugh!

Sweet Journey

So, I went on a quest today. Since the weather was beautiful, I figured that if I wanted out of my slump, I should search for the life of spring or something. So with CJ and Bugsby (the outside dogs) as my guides, we headed into the woods for our journey.

They took me down to the creek. Armed with my camera, I chased an elusive creature from the bank down into the water. It was good at hiding and I never did get a picture of it but I had fun chasing it. Then, Bugsby showed me the best place to cross the rolling water. The water was a bit cold but neither dog seemed to mind, so I didn't either. CJ led me along the waters edge to where a huge tree had fallen across the creek. I was tempted to walk across it but, wearing shorts, I didn't want to attempt maneuvering through the thick briar's.

I walked back and across the creek, meeting the dogs at the fallen tree. There I found some bright purple flowers that were just blooming. I know nothing about plants and such, so I made sure not to touch anything I saw. The stories of poison sumac around here are scary enough...no need to experience any of it.

I followed my guides down into a valley of sorts. There, Bugsby showed me another fallen tree that looked like a great place to relax and read during the upcoming summer. He really seemed to like the spot him self. He walked out to the middle of it and watched me as I took pictures of the fern looking plants I had found.

They led me a bit further in the woods as the creek made a snake-like twist around some of the trees. I got tangled in the briar's that I was being so careful to avoid. (It actually tore my Joan Jett T-shirt...arrggh.) But I got back down to the waters edge and found a very deep part that looked like a good place to swim. Not now, of course, but as soon as the water heats up a bit.

Then...my guides abandoned me. I was left in the middle of the woods and lost. But I made the most of it. I found some interesting looking plants and flowers and followed the creek out of the woods. It was so peaceful and the fresh air seemed to have cleansed me from the inside out.

All in all, I think my journey was just what I needed. I feel renewed and lighter somehow and I'm honestly feeling much better than I have been for the past two days.

One chance is enough

Reverse! Reverse! Enjoy the ride as I take you, yet again, on a journey of my youth...haha.

Rich opened the door for me to get into his car. I know I gave him some smart ass remark about how I could open the door for myself or some shit. LG climbed in the back. As we pulled away, Sam locked eyes with me and I just shrugged and shook my head. Stupid girl.

Our street wasn't too far from the South Side. Not even a five minute ride really, but Rich drove through all kinds of back roads and such, trying like hell to get me to talk to him. I remained staring out the window and said nothing.

"She's just pissed about that fight," LG tried to explain. "Catch her on a good day and you can't get her to shut up."

I turned around and ripped her to shreds with my eyes. "Shut the hell up, LG." When I looked at Rich, he was smiling. "Look, just get us home already. We have to sneak LG back in her house before her evil step dad wakes up."

"Yeah," LG added, "which is in about thirty minutes."

Rich sped up and got back out on the main road. About two minutes later, we were at the end of our street.

"This will be good." I climbed out of the car and slammed the door shut. I leaned back down and looked in the window. "Thanks for the ride." Hey, I was a bitch but not a super bitch.

LG got out of the back and closed her door much more gently. I walked around the front of the car and half nodded as I continued down the street. LG was on my heels.
Rich pulled his car to the swell and cut the engine. I heard his door shut and then he jogged up beside us.

"Really, pretty boy, we got it from here." I knew he could hear the seriousness in my voice but he still kept walking. "What do you want?" I stopped and crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm not interested."

He shuffled his feet and then stared at them like they had a cheat sheet of comebacks written on them. "That won't last long." He looked up at me and grinned his "all women love me" grin and I wanted to puke. "How 'bout we start as friends?"

"You have to be fucking kidding me? How old are you, 18? Isn't there some girl your own age willing to date you? Or are you just too immature for them?" I continued walking, leaving him standing there with my words.

Look, he deserved it. It wasn't the first time he had approached me, trying to convince me that we should "get" together. Him and his friends would even joke about how I wasn't interested in Fred, his penis. Yeah, they named their peckers. The last time, he tried to corner me at a party at RM's house. Granted, I was shit faced, but I managed...or at least I thought I did, to convince him that I wasn't the girl for him. "Alright," he had said, "then lets just fuck." So, yeah, he deserved my super bitch.

He caught back up to us and started to say something but LG stopped him.
"I'd love to listen to you guys argue this out, but I really have to get in my house. And to do that, I need B's help. But once I get inside, you guys can argue all you want. Okay?"

"That won't be happening. Rich and Fred are about to go back to their car and play with each other." I gave him an evil smirk over my shoulder. "Bye, boys."

He was starting to remind me of Chris.

We finally made it to LG's window. She pushed it up and peeked inside. She handed me my clothes as she gave me a hug, whispering that she would see me tomorrow. I nodded and got down on one knee so she could step on my other knee to get inside her window. Rich stayed standing by the street.

"Give him a chance," LG whispered as I put her screen back in her window. "He can't be all that bad and he's hot as hell."

"He's an asshole, LG. You know that as well as I do." I knew that didn't matter to LG. She seemed to love the guys that treated her like shit. Besides, if she wasn't so interested in RM, Rich's best friend, she would have probably been all over Rich.

Did I mention that LG already HAD a boyfriend? Yeah, and he was one of my childhood friends, KK. But he was away in California doing work for his uncle and she thought it was prime opportunity to play around. I hated the fact that she would do something like that to such a great guy. At least, he was a great guy when he was my grandmother's neighbor.

"Think about it," she said as she pulled down the window.

I shook my head. There was really nothing to think about. I knew I didn't like him and that was that. And as I got back to the street, I ignored him as I walked the three doors down to my house.

"Hey," he said, grabbing at my shoulder.

I turned around so fast, my fist clinched and my arm cocked back. "I told you. DON"T touch me!"

He held both his hands up again. "I forgot. Sorry." He pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and lit two. Handing me one, he smiled. "Why don't you like me?"

I laughed, evilly. "Where do I start?" I took the offered cigarette and sat my clothes on the trunk of my mom's car. "You are an asshole. You are self-centered, egotistical, and a pretty boy. Shall I go on?"

"How do you know I'm an asshole? You barely know me." He leaned against the car and crossed his feet.

"Umm, the party last weekend. You're rude offer to fuck. How you told me that I was just playing hard to get. How you won't take no for an answer." Honestly, I couldn't arrange a complete thought in my head. I was tripping full force and everything seemed so out of whack. Even his face, and I tried hard not to laugh.

"How old are you?" he asked, flicking his butt to the street in front of us. It erupted in a shower of sparks that I couldn't let go.

"I'm 14," I mumbled, zombie-like, still caught in the awe of the beautiful sparks.

"Well," he stepped in front of me, blocking my view of those sparks still flying from the cigarette as the wind blew it slowly down the street, "I think you are hot. And I just want a chance to prove to you that I'm not an asshole."

I took the last drag of my smoke and flicked it past his distorted face. I stepped away from him, regaining my personal space, and grinned. "Sorry. First impressions are everything and you already blew yours." I turned around and picked up my pile of clothes. I half waved as I walked to the front window of my house.

"I'll change your mind. You'll see," he yelled.

I just shook my head and kept walking. No way.

So be it!

I do not watch the news. I do not read the MSN news that pops up on my computer every time I turn it on. I do not pay attention to people sharing sad tales of woe. Its all negativity that I don't want in my life.

All day, everyday, I fill my mind with the good stuff. The stuff that makes me smile. The stuff that makes me laugh. Stuff like music, art, comics, books, my dogs, my girl, my friends, and such.

And I'm kicking myself. Because my last entry does not portray my happy go lucky, laid back self. Well, I only wrote about about the conversation but I did complain a bit in the beginning. And that IS not me. I don't complain. Hell, give me a piece of paper and a pencil and I will show you how to make the most of it...all day if necessary. Lock me in a room with a guitar and I'll write you five new songs. Leave me alone outside and you will play hell trying to find me.

I usually have no problem making the most of anything and everything. Its always a good time when you are hanging with me but...(you knew that was coming) there is something about this place that bugs me. Its like I can't find the bright colors. Or the new tune. Or the great read. Its something...and its driving me out of my mind.

So be it! I'll figure it out sooner or later but J says I'm scaring her.

A kidnapping in creation

My lovely cousin, Jane, graced my ears with her soothing voice last night. Lately, I have been feeling kind of awkward and out of place, so to speak. Kind of stagnant and such. And North Georgia just hasn't quite felt like home to me yet.
I still can't seem to find my groove. Adjusting isn't as easy as I expected. I have no idea how I lived up here for two years before.

Back to Jane.
I had left her a message on myspace to call me. Like the loyal cousin she is, she called late last night. My day was shit and just the sound of her voice lifted that dark cloud in an instant. She had me laughing in no time. Well, I had left her specific instructions on what her call was to be about. I think I'm in desperate need of one of those "I'm laughing so hard my ribs are hurting" phone calls. It was just that...hell, my jaw still hurts.

Jane: What's the matter, baby?
me: Lots of things. And I can't really talk right now. (I was in the kitchen and it seemed everyone followed me.)
Jane: Okay, lets play 21 questions.
me: Okay. Go. Yes or no only please.
Jane: Hmmm....is it J?
me: Nope.
Jane: Is it Rock?
me: Maybe.
Jane: I see. Umm, is it the fact that you are stuck up in the sticks and bored out of your mind?
me: Yes.
Jane: Uh (there was about thirty seconds of her humming uh)
me: You suck at 20 questions.
Jane: (Laughing) 21 questions and just wait...Is it that there is nothing to do?
me: You just asked me that and you really suck at 21 questions. You can't even make it to five.
Jane: I guess you are right. I do suck at 21 questions.

I grabbed my sketch pad from my room and brought it out to the kitchen table. For some reason, I feel I have to chain smoke when I talk to her and I never smoke in the bedroom. (If this was my house, I wouldn't even smoke inside.)

Jane: What are you doing?
me: Finishing a drawing of Bob Seger for my mom. Oh! I put up a new drawing on myspace, too. Its Jesus.
Jane: Whoa! Jesus?
me: Well, Ted Neely as Jesus.
Jane: That guy has spent his whole life pretending to be Jesus. I guess we can be sure that he is going to hell.


She went to myspace and looked at my new art.

Jane: Oooh. Baby...
me: What? Can you tell I wasn't into it or what?
Jane: Yes. I can tell. You need to take it down.
me: Why? People need to see that I do half ass work too. (I laughed. So, I'm not perfect.)
Jane: Its great work, B, but it doesn't live up to the rest of your work. You need to keep this between you and your mom and take it down.
me: Alright. I'll take it down...for your sake.

One thing I can always expect from her is the truth. I knew it wasn't one of my best pieces but, really, I don't care. Its just what I do to fill in the spaces of time where I'm about to go out of my mind.
By this point in the conversation, she has talked with Bob (aka Mary Jane in drag) and she has to tell me about it.

Jane: Can you believe I'm still smoking birthday weed?
me: (Calculating in my head...its been a month since she turned 28) Damn! No. How'd you manage that?
Jane: This stuff is that good.
me: (Laughing) Really?
Jane: Yeah. It only takes two hits and you are good. Three hits of this and you will be stuck on stupid.
me: (Laughing my ass off) Stuck on stupid?
Jane: Hell yeah! Shit, if you tried to smoke an entire joint of this, you would be stuck on stupid for a month.

Stuck on stupid. A few more minutes into the conversation and it sounded like she was borderline stupid. But she kept me laughing. She threatened to come and kidnap me for a week or two. She said she was going to get Freak and Dad D to drive down here, blindfold me, toss me in the trunk, and take me to Asheville. I told her that it didn't sound like my idea of escape. Besides, I'd get claustrophobic, go nuts, and kill the first person I saw when that trunk opened. She said, "Then we better put you in the back seat."

This is the time of my life

I added a song to this blog. I love the song and it kind of sums up what this journal is about.

Music is my life...

For my main play list check out www.playlist.com/activitygrrl

You're bleeding

LG wasn't the kind of person I would normally hang out with. She tried way too hard to be cool. But, like I said, she lived three doors down and we rode the same bus to school and all.

We made it to Mikes party that night. Mike was kind enough to give us a change of clothes. We had to have belts to hold up the jeans he gave us and the T-shirts looked like dresses on us, but we were just happy to have the dry clothing.

Mike's parties weren't stoner parties. They were coke parties and I wasn't ever a big fan of coke. After bumming a cigarette from some stranger, I took a seat on his couch and just watched as everyone bounced off the walls. James showed up about an hour after we did, telling stories about how he got away from the cops at Red's party. I didn't believe a word he said. We were all story tellers.

Acid made its way around the party goers and I took that instead of the coke. Hell, I was up for a good trip. I stumbled back to the back room. There was some chick banging on the drums and some guy making the worst noise I had ever heard on the guitar. Trying to escape the racket, I somehow ended up in the kitchen sitting on the counter against the wall.

LG was on the sofa making out with RM, the local coke dealer. I couldn't stand him, nor his brother, James (the same guy who said that I should go out with him.) They thought too highly of themselves and I hated the way they treated women. Actually, all the guys in the South Side treated women horribly.

It was this summer that I figured out that I was attracted to women. But...I was attracted to guys, too...a little. And I had my eye on BG's girl, Sam. She was absolutely gorgeous. BG was a looker, too. Together, they were the most beautiful couple I had ever seen. But, he treated her like shit. He hit her and had even "pimped" her out to feed his coke addiction. For that, she lost a lot of her appeal. But I still had my eye on her.

Rich was RM's best friend. I didn't like him much...well, I didn't like him at all. He thought he was God's gift to women. Blond hair and blue eyes and a rock solid body that he loved to show off. He was arrogant and self centered, pretending to be a bad boy, but I saw right through him.

He invaded my space by sitting on the counter in front of me. My only route to get away from him was to crawl through the scattered mess on the counter. I was tripping way too hard to pull off such a maneuver. For the longest time, he just sat there and smiled at me with his perfect white teeth, his jaw twitching every now and then. I simply ignored him and focused on the room of people who looked all out of proportion.

He must have starting talking to me, and when I didn't respond, he touched my leg. I jumped and smacked his hand away from me.
"Hey! Easy. I just wanted to know how you liked the party so far." He held both his hands up where I could see them and they looked fuzzy, like they had fur all over them.
I shook my head to try to get better focus and the fur melted away. "Its alright. But don't, I mean DON"T touch me."
He nodded his head. "Got it."

Sam walked by and caught my eye as Rich rambled on and on about something. I watched her walk up to BG, who was on the sofa beside LG and RM, making out with some other girl. I remember thinking how could she stay with a guy like that? She said something to him and he stood up and back handed her across the face.

Fuck maneuvering through the mess, I knocked it all over the place as I pushed through it. She was on her knees, crying, and he kicked her. I jumped in his face and pushed his sorry ass back down on the couch. Rich came out of nowhere and jumped between us. Its a good thing too. If BG would have swung at me, I wouldn't have been able to figure out which fist was real.

I helped Sam to her feet and I walked her out the front door. She was bleeding from her nose and her mouth.
Sadly, it wasn't the first time I had seen him hit her and I was pissed as hell that she kept going back for more.

"I'm sorry," she cried.
"You're sorry? For what?" I tried to keep the anger from my voice but it wasn't working. "If that was my boyfriend on the couch making out with some other girl, I would have beat the shit out of him."
She looked up at me with blood smeared all over her face. My great trip was about to turn into a gory one, real fast.
"I shouldn't have said anything to him," she stuttered.
"You are fucking kidding me?" I put my hand over my face to block my view of hers. It was starting to freak me out. "Why are you with him, anyway? You are way too fucking beautiful to be with a guy that treats you like that."
Through the crack between my fingers, I saw her staring at me like I had just spoke Russian or something.
"You think I'm beautiful?" She took the bottom of her shirt and wiped her face as clean as she could. "He says I'm disgusting."
I deemed her weak, right then and there. And I had no tolerance for weak people. She had let him alter her perception of herself and she believed him. How could a woman let that happen to herself? (I feel like a hypocrite writing that. But that's later.)

"You are beautiful and he is full of shit. He's just telling you that so that you will stay with him." Since most of the blood was gone, I let my hand down but I couldn't look at her lip or nose. I had to stay focused on her eyes. And they were sparkling like stars with the tears that were in them. Mesmerizing.

I blinked my eyes and she moved that quick. She was standing in front of me and her hands were moving towards my face. I thought it was the drugs that made her seem so close but when she kissed me, I knew it wasn't a hallucination. I could still taste the blood on her tongue. I wanted to push her away but at the same time I wanted to pull her closer. The kiss was so nice that I really didn't want it to end.

The front door flung open. I wasn't worried that whoever it was saw us kissing. It was pitch black outside and my back was toward them. We both turned around. The world kept spinning even though I knew I had stopped moving and the figures that were coming toward me were blurs.

BG walked up to Sam, slowly, and Rich and RM were right behind him.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to..." His words trailed off to a whisper.
LG came out of the house and put her arm over my shoulder. There was no need to watch BG and Sam. I already knew what was going to happen. She was going to believe his bullshit words and leave with him like she always did.
"You ready to go?" I asked LG.
She looked at her watch that I couldn't focus on. "Yeah. Lets go get our clothes."
"Hey, I'll give you a ride," Rich offered.
I shrugged. I wasn't looking forward to walking home tripping the way I was.
We collected our things and were about to exit the room when LG stopped me.
"You're bleeding," she said, wiping her thumb over my lip.
I walked over to the mirror and saw the streak she was talking about. "Not my blood. Its Sam's." I used my shirt to wipe away the smudge.
LG crinkled her eyebrows together with a questioning look.
"I helped her stop her bleeding. Must have got on my hands or something," I lied. She didn't need to know.
"Okay." She opened the door and we walked out.
Rich was waiting outside. As much as I hated him, I was glad for the ride.

Joan Jett and pit bulls

This is Aspen (the pit bull) and Brody (the mutt).

Most things in life make me happy but Joan Jett and Pit Bulls make me VERY happy. I love them both.

http://

Its not the breed that is bad...its the owners that make them that way.

Souvenir of Escape

And back to the story of youth...

Things, events, and people seem to blur together at that time of my life. So they might be a little out of order but in all, they are things that I remember and that somehow makes them important.

EDIT**It was the summer before I started tenth grade and I was doing more drugs than ever. I was spending a lot of time with this girl, LG. I became a master at sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. And even better at disguising my drug problem.

I was able to keep my grades around average and my attitude in check. Not sure how I managed either but it kept my mom from getting suspicious. It had been years since I had spoken with my father and, really, I didn't care. There wasn't much I cared about back then. Not even myself.

LG was about as crazy as I was, except she had different reasons for being that way. She just wanted to piss off her parents and, like I said, I just didn't care. But I didn't want my mom to know because I didn't want her to try to make me stop traveling my path of self destruction. I was enjoying it too much.

It was a late Friday night and the summer rain had the front lawn a muddy mess. Mom and my bro had crashed for the night, so I headed for the window to sneak out. When it rained like that, the metal around the window would shock me when I climbed through.
I pulled the window down and walked down 2nd Street. LG lived three houses down but she wasn't outside yet. She wasn't as careless as I was and she was so afraid of getting caught. I lit a cigarette and leaned against the light pole as I waited.

I had no attraction to LG. She was just a girl I had met the summer before and we had become close friends. I was closer to her than any of my other friends but that was probably because she lived so close. She had long bleached blond hair and she was tall and lanky. She walked with a slouch that she thought was cool. I didn't have the heart to tell her it made her look goofy.

I glanced up at her house as she came swiftly towards me. I had to laugh. She was ducking down like she thought her parents would see her if she stood up straight and waddling like a duck as she crossed her lawn. When she hit the street, she took off in a run.

"Wait up!" I laughed. I had pictured her with a beak and couldn't stop laughing.
She stopped abruptly and put her finger in front of her lips to quiet me. I jogged up to her side.
"Give me a break. You're so fucking paranoid." I lit two cigarettes and passed her one.
"Thanks." She took a drag. "You don't know how crazy my step dad is."

Her step dad wasn't really half as bad as my dad was or MM's dad turned out to be. (At this time, I still didn't know the real story of what MM's dad was doing.) I think she just didn't like him because he was some kind of authority figure.

"Still, they're sleeping," I said as we rounded the corner to Southgate.
"Yeah, but he would hear me sneeze if I was standing on 441," she laughed.

We crossed 441 to where the Cassa Serena apartments were. There was a party at Red's place and lots of chemicals to feed any addiction you might of had. We found his building and climbed the stairs to the second floor. The door was open, so we walked on in.

Red welcomed us as we crossed the living room. James took my arm and directed me to the bong he was hitting in the corner. Weed wasn't what I was wanting but it was a start. I lost LG for a while.

"You really should be my girlfriend," James said. He had me backed against the wall in the corner and we were sharing a joint.

"You couldn't keep up with me James. Besides, you have a girlfriend and I like her. So drop it." I passed him back the joint and ducked under his arm. I figured it was time to find LG.

When she would get fucked up, she would get real stupid. I think she thought it made her cooler to get stupid and hook up with some random guy. In reality, it made her easy and all the guys knew it. Sure enough, I found her tangled on the bed with Tom. Since their clothes were still on, I thought it would be a good time to stop things before it got to something I knew she would regret. She always did.

I sat on the edge of the bed and smacked her ass. "LG. Come on. I think we ave to head to South Side now."
She held up her hand.

Then everything started going in slow motion. The cops were banging on the front door and seconds from bursting in. I grabbed her hand and pulled her from the bed. Poor Tom had no idea what was going on. I peeked out the door and saw the cops heading our way.

"Shit, LG! They're coming." I ran to the window and pushed out the screen. "We are gonna have to jump."

LG looked out the window. "No way! You realize we are on the second floor right?"

"I'm not that fucked up. When you hit the ground, roll." I climbed up on the ledge as the cops beat on the bedroom door. "Just do what I do."

I jumped and hit the ground in a tucked roll. Hell, I'd jumped from higher. She stared down in disbelief.

"Come on, dammit!" I yelled.

She shook her head and then vanished back into the room. I waited for a minute and was about to run when her leg came through the window. She was on the ledge and she was fighting whoever was trying to stop her.

"Just jump!" I knew the person wouldn't follow her.

Finally, she landed with a thud next to me. She didn't land right so she screamed out as the electrocuting pain shot up her legs.

"Shake it off," I said. "We got company."

Two cops were coming around the corner with their flashlights in our faces. I grabbed her had and ran as fast as I could towards the canal. There was no way I was being caught. We made it to the waters edge and ran beside it for a while. The cops weren't giving up.

"LG, we are going to have to swim to get away."
"Are you kidding me," she huffed. "There's alligators in that canal."
"Its swim or get caught. They probably have more cops waiting for us on the next street. We can't out run that radio."
"Fuck!" I knew she was scared but the fear of her parents finding out she was at that party must have scared her worse.

I jumped in and started to swim to the opposite shore. It was about thirty or forty feet to the other side and if I swam fast enough, I knew I could find a place to hide before the cops that were radioed would find us. She jumped in right after me.

It took a little longer than I had hoped. Swimming fully clothed isn't so easy and being high on top of it, made it that much worse. The cops didn't jump in after us but I did hear them radioing for units to pick us up in Aztec, the mobile home park we were swimming towards.

I half dragged her out of the water and we ran down to the end of the street. I could hear the sirens getting closer, so I pulled her through the yards and we ducked behind a shed as the cop car passed. As soon as it did, we were running again. I figured the cops would search all the areas around the shore so I kept us running south. South Side was the next neighborhood anyway and we had lots of friends over there. They would hide us out or a while, at least.

We made it. We stayed in the shadows as we walked towards Mike's house. It was a good thing, too. The cops were cruising his neighborhood...probably looking for any one else that might have escaped the party.

"You are insane!" she said as we hid from the approaching car. "I would have never jumped out of that fucking window. I wouldn't have thought it was an option."

"No big deal. And I've jumped from higher," I shrugged. "Look, our choices were limited. It was jump or be sent to juvi. Did you see all the drugs in that place?"

"Yeah. Red was growing shit in his closet, too. If they caught him, he is going away for a while." She raked her hands through her wet hair. "God, and there was more coke on that table than I had ever seen in my entire life." She pulled me close to her and kissed my cheek. "Thanks for getting us out of there."

"Anytime. It would have been an easier getaway if you would have just trusted me," I joked, elbowing her ribs.

She laughed. "They arrested Tom." She held up her wrist and I was stunned. "They almost had me too."

The cops had gotten one handcuff on her but somehow, she managed to get away. I was laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe.

"At least we have a souvenir. I hope you can get this off of me." She didn't think it was as funny as I did.

"Yeah. I can. (Don't ask.) I'll get it off when we get to Mike's."

I take it back

Okay...
I know I bitched about her waking me up with her exercise talk and freezing cold hands but...

Its amazing! **Her hands are still freezing cold, though.**

I totally love this new stuff.

So I will apologize for complaining about her workout talk but I can still feel the sting of her cold hands across my stomach.

My morning wake up

I don't sleep much. I think I've said something about it before.

Yesterday and the night before, I skipped sleeping. And last night, I finally got tired around midnight. Tired enough to actually sleep that is. J wasn't sleepy at all, so she stayed up. No big deal.

This morning, she crawled into bed around 8am.

Now, it doesn't matter if its 60 degrees in the house or 90 degrees, her feet and hands are always ice cold. I'm talking like she just pulled them out of a bag of ice. Freeeeeeeeezing!

What does she do as soon as she gets under the blanket? She puts both of her feet against my leg and places her hands on my stomach. God, they were so cold it hurt! Not to mention, I was in the middle of one of my morbid nightmares. I woke up instantly and pushed her away...thinking I was still in that nightmare.

She didn't go far. She rolled right back over and put her icy self against my warm skin again. This time, I opened my eyes and told her that it hurt. It really did, they were that fucking cold. Now she thinks I'm wide awake but what I really wanted to do was sleep for at least another hour.

Not gonna happen.

She starts telling me about all these websites she had found in the night. Something about working out or something. I tried to roll over and ignore her, but she immediately put her feet against me again. I told her again that it hurt. I got a bright idea and offered her the nice toasty socks I was wearing. She said sure, so I sat up and took them off my feet and put them on hers.

I'm thinking...problem solved. Now I can go back to sleep.

Still not happening.

I got comfortable again and had my back towards her. She moved up behind me and propped up so that she was an inch away from my ear. She went on with her conversation about this workout thing.

I understood that she was excited. I'm cool with that. We workout every night together and I'm all for changing up the routine...but not when I'm trying to sleep.

Up until that point, I had been half participating in the conversation. Croaking an agreement every now and then. But she kept going. My next bright idea was to stop participating, figuring she would think I fell back to sleep. After I was quiet for about five minutes, she moved even closer and then she put her ice cube hands up my shirt again! It was her way to make sure I was paying attention, I guess. (I love for her to touch me but DAMN!)

Desperate to get the ice off my stomach, I rolled over to face her. Yep...she's still talking.
I glanced at the clock. 9am. Fuck it. There was no way I was going back to sleep. And by then, my feet were freezing since I gave her my socks.

Finally, around 9:30, she closed her eyes and quieted down. I got up, put on another pair of socks, and went through my normal morning routine. You know, bathroom, brush teeth, get a drink and stuff. I get over to the computer and there's a post it stuck to the keyboard.

"Get me up around 1:30. Thanks. I love you."

I had to laugh. She woke me up with her arctic hands and feet...talked to me for an hour and a half...and she never once mentioned that she wanted me to get her up at a certain time. She's lucky I went over to the computer.

The dogs ruined my plan of waking her up. I was gonna get the ice pack from the freezer and put it on her stomach. She deserved it. But the dogs started barking as they were running through the house and they knocked over the fan. Oh well, maybe next time.