One big (slightly) happy family

I'm pretty sure it is near 100 degrees outside but I don't mind. I am from SOUTH Florida, so really its nothing. Georgia definitely doesn't have a problem with humidity like Florida does.
Since I will be heading back to the scorching sunshine state, I figured it would be a good idea to get some sun so I don't stand out like a tourist. Besides, my farmers tan needed the work.

I took the dogs out with me and relaxed, reading my book. (Thief of Always by Kim Baldwin and Xenia Alexiou.) The dogs started barking like mad and I turned to see CJ (one of the outside dogs) hiding under the stairs. She was making a strange grunting noise, so I investigated. Imagine my surprise when I saw a second tail coming from her behind.

We all thought she was faking a pregnancy but we all were way wrong.

I've had many dogs in my life. But the only dog I had that had ever had puppies was my German Shepard. She had three litters of 13 and I didn't witness any of them. She had them while I was at school.

Unfortunately, the first puppy didn't make it and she is still in there struggling, trying to deliver the rest. We are watching her in shifts. She is such a small dog we're afraid she might not make it. The Vet doctor guy came and checked on her and said she was doing fine, but still. If she is still having trouble later tonight, we will most likely take her in.

I will hope for the best and update if we have any new additions to our family.
Five humans, five dogs, and a cat...whoa! Anyone want a puppy?

Helen, Georgia

My wake up call today...
"Hello?"
"Hey girl! How you doing?"
I cringed. My ex. "Great. How are you?"


"Doin' good," he tells me. "We are heading up to Helen and wanted to know if you and J wanna meet up with us for lunch."


I took the phone away from my ear and shook my head, trying to clear the sleep. Then I scanned the room looking for J. "Uh..."


"Our treat," he added.


Still couldn't find J and he was waiting on an answer. "Yeah, I think it would be cool."


"You're only like ten minutes from there, right?"


"Yep. Where are you?" I was praying he wasn't going to say he was in the driveway.


"We are about an hour away."


Whew! So, yeah, we hung out with my ex and his wife and son all day up in Helen. At first J was a little hesitant but she shrugged and said, "What the hell, why not."



Since our divorce many many years ago, he has been like the annoying older brother. He used to call me daily but since I've ridded myself of a cell phone, he rarely calls anymore. (thank God...lol) Sometimes, I don't understand why he is still in my life. He treated me like shit and cheated on me constantly. And though I hate no one, he was definitely worthy of hating. I did try to distance myself from him (getting rid of my cell and moving to Georgia) but he still knew where I was. Whatever...



We ate lunch at a place called Margaritas. It was all right. Our choices were limited. Then ex, his son, and J took a ride to Anna Ruby Falls leaving me and ex's wife to do "shopping." Me <--not a shopper. But she is pregnant and couldn't walk the trail up to the falls. It was cool. We did go in a few of the tourist trap shops and then we found a spot on the river to sit and put our feet in the water.

The water felt great. We watched the people tubing and laughed with them when they got stuck.

My sides still hurt from laughing so hard. It wasn't long before J, ex, and his son got back to us. The little guy loved playing in the water and him and I mined for really cool looking rocks. (Okay, I picked up handfuls of the rocks and he told my that none of the were 'gorgeous' and dumped them back in the water.) And then he tried to catch a minnow with the water bottle.



Done with the water, we walked to the ice cream shop. On the way we met Sweet Tater Salad.

Really...that was what the lady said his name was. His little hat was cute. He had a couple friends too.

It was a fun day. Even if it was with the ex...

*I can't tell you more about the ex, it will give away the Back Then story.

Short ride...tall roads

So...today we were up with the sun again. More and more green beans to pick, break, and can. I don't think my fingers will ever be the same. We didn't have any run-ins with snakes but we did come across some very strange looking red spiders (made me think of Spider Man) and some fuzzy yellow bugs.
And I'm sure about this now...mosquitoes are from HELL!!

This is a pic of the fun with the beans.

And no, that isn't all of them. I think we've picked and canned over 21 quarts, not to mention what we've ate the past two days. I think my skin is turning green. And if we get a good rain soon (*doing the rain dance*) we will have a ton more. We really do need rain here.

After we finished the beans, me, Mick, and J went on a ride to Tallulah Gorge. Its not too far from the house and we were scouting out places for the fourth of July celebration that Mick wants to have. The place we checked out didn't have what he was looking for. Swimming and a grill. I don't remember the name of the place but this was the only decent shot I got.

We stopped at the scenic overlook after we left the park. Interesting facts...well, not really...but Tallulah (Falls) Gorge is where Deliverance was filmed and Demi Moore named one of her daughters after it (the falls not the movie).
J and I have stopped at this place before but this was the first time I had actually brought my digital camera. I usually carry around my Canon Rebel but today I had my Sony Cybershot.

It really looked like a long and painful fall from where we were standing. J actually surprised me by saying, "I wish we had some parachutes so we could base jump like that guy on Nitro Circus." For a moment I thought she was reading my mind but she actually seemed interested in doing something like that. I guess I'm FINALLY influencing the adrenaline junkie in her! It only took a little over eight years.

Its a beautiful place. Somewhere down below there is supposed to be a suspension bridge that crosses the gorge. J talked about a company that does hang gliding tours through it. Both sound pretty cool to me. Even though, I'd rather do the base jump...lol.

The zoom on this camera kicks ass.

Other than these few shots, there wasn't much else to see. The trees are thick and hide much of the view. Maybe I'll go back in the winter and take some more pics.

Oh...one more pic. This was actually taken on the way there. This Florida girl is used to the flat land. So when I looked out the front window...my first thought was, "Where the fuck is the road!"

The first time I ever saw a mountain was when I was 19. It was also the first time I had ever seen snow and the first time I was ever out of the state of Florida. Its overwhelming at first sight, or at least it was for me. Hell, J freaked the first time I ever drove her out across Alligator Alley in South Florida. She said the scenery - swamp, rivers of sawgrass, and pretty much nothing else - made her feel dizzy. That's about the same way I felt the first time I drove up a mountain.

Farmer Jo!

This farmer shit is educational.
We woke up with the sun and headed out to the garden. I learned that very young briars feel like fiberglass when you accidentally pull on them since they are tangled in the beans. I learned the difference between a garden snake and a king snake and a copper head. I learned that Granny's dog, Skip, looks like a garden monster when he walks up behind you and you only catch a glimpse of him. I learned that corn stalks are kind of fragile and are freaky when the long leaves rub across your ear. I learned that mosquitoes are gonna bite you no matter how much repellent you use. And I learned that picking a five gallon bucket of green beans isn't as easy as it sounds.

Next on the learning list is stringing and snapping (or maybe its breaking?) and then we get to can.

It sucks that I won't be up here when the corn is ready to pick.

Don't tell my mom but fried squash is pretty damn good. And fried cabbage too. The only vegetable she ever got me to eat was green beans.

We have some really nice tomatoes coming in. Onions are doing great. The jalapenos grew nicely. We even have green peppers that will be ready shortly. Soon we will have more cabbage, squash and a ton of potatoes. Deer ate the brussel sprouts and some of the cucumbers.

Speaking of deer...we were chatting with J's Uncle Rob about the young deer we saw at the end of the driveway and he joked that we should have shot it so we would have so meat to go with our green beans. I had to say it...really I did. "Hey, hey. You are talking to a city girl here. All deer are like Bambi and will not be shot."
Besides that, I am an animal lover. Why else would I have two dogs and a cat (since I'm so damn allergic to them)?

Party Over

I always keep my promises...
Back Then ~

The rest of the party was fuzz and static. At one point, I remember making out with Sam on the side of my house. I'm pretty sure I didn't instigate it. She pulled me aside and said she had to talk with me about something. Her kind of talking was all soft lips and the sweet taste of her tongue.

The next thing I remember was laying down in the driveway and watching the stars. All the memories of MM rushed over me and I might have cried...I'm not sure. And then...Rich. Rich was kissing me and touching me. I know I told him to stay away from me at some point but I don't think that happen.

There were flashes of faces - LG and RM - smiling at me and laughing with me. There were bits of music that I heard every now and then. And I remember the kisses. But who they were from...I don't remember. I woke up with the early morning sun in my eyes and big arms wrapped around me. Rich.

I sat up and glanced around my yard. I could only imagine how much the neighbors hated me and all my friends. It looked like something out of a war zone...bodies scattered all over the front lawns. Bodies on the hoods and trunks of cars. One thing I can say, no one left the party intoxicated.

LG yawned and stretched a few feet from me. "That was a great party."
My head was hazed and I had to repeat what she said about a million times in my head so I could comprehend it. I knew something was really wrong with everything that had happened but I couldn't figure it out. I picked up a pack of cigarettes that was staring at me from its peculiar spot in the grass. The pack felt cold and wet in my hand as I opened them to find exactly what I was looking for. I put the cigarette up to my lips and lit it, taking a deep drag as I went over what I could remember in my mind. The memory of kissing Sam made me smile but quickly turned into pain. My lip was cut. The blood was dry.

LG grew impatient waiting for me to comment on the party. "B? Did you have fun last night or what?"
When I looked at her, I remembered that I was angry with her. I didn't know why yet but I knew I really didn't want to talk to her.
"I don't remember," I mumbled, flicking my smoke to the road.
I slowly, slowly got to my feet and dug in my pocket for my house key. I didn't say another word to her as I walked around to all the sleeping people and nudged them awake. I needed to get them all gone before my neighbors called the cops on us all. It didn't seem to take too long to clear the yards and I finally went in the house and washed my face.

Most of the nights events came back to me in little pieces as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. And with those events came the anger, the disappointment in myself, the disgust for what I remembered that I did, and tears...lots of tears.

That's when I realized that I needed to change more than myself to be the person I wanted to be. I was going to have to change EVERYTHING.

Real Quick

THANK YOU!!!!!!

I'm sending this HUGE thank you out to all the people that wasn't thanked for something they should have been thanked for today. I might have no idea what you did or said but I fell you deserve to be thanked.

Thank you to Merc. And a even bigger thank you to Sheila for all her hard work.

Thank you all and thank you universe!

I promise I will have a real post later...honest.

In pencil....

I've been taking a small break from drawing. I got a little burnt out I guess. But I can tell you what my next piece will be. Its a pic of Angelina from the movie Hackers (one of my favorite movies). I have yet to decide if I will do draw her as a full page or just a 5x7. Hmph! Maybe I will do both. I did set up a deviant art account but I have nothing in it yet. These past two days have been busy.

BUT...I do have a piece I haven't posted here yet. This is Jenophobic, a friend of mine.

Other stuff...I had an awful fucking nightmare last night. I won't go into details but someone was after me, trying to kill me and they hurt J instead. I woke up in a panic and had to touch her to make sure she was okay and still alive. I hate dreams like that.

Back then will be along shortly...I promise.

Truth

Time for the truth.

I'm kind of dreading going back to Florida. Its not really all business that will be keeping me there for so long. I'm going to be having surgery too. The surgery is minor (just removing a broken bone in my foot) but the part I don't like is being knocked out. I've only been under one other time and I really hated it. I hated the feeling when I woke up of all that time missing from me.

Granted, I will probably only be out for about thirty to sixty minutes but still.

Another thing that is bothering me is that J won't be there. Its bothering me so much that I've caught myself clinging to her like its a life or death situation. If I keep acting like that, J will probably start thinking all kinds of bad things. She keeps asking me how I feel about it all...the flight, the surgery. I haven't flown in 15 years but I'm cool with that. And the surgery...pain is easy. Its just the going to sleep part that gets me. I've even been thinking about asking the doc if there is an alternative. I don't have to watch (seeing my own blood turns me into a monster) but if the surgery is so minor...why can't I just stay awake? We'll see, I guess.

Sixteen days until I leave. I'll be gone for thirty-six. *I shouldn't have calculated that. Now it seems like I'll be gone forever.*

I'm sad that I will be without J for so long but...I will be able to see some old friends that I haven't seen since high school. And I will be seeing my sister and her daughter, not to mention my brother's girls. I've missed them all so much.

I think I just need to shut my brain off for a while and not think about it. It'll drive me insane. I think I'll write or something. Maybe later, I'll write part three of "Party from hell." Maybe. Enough whining....

Charcoal Adam Lambert

As warned...

This is Adam Lambert in charcoal. J was a fan of his on American Idol and asked me very nicely to draw a pic of him. I told her I would and to pick the one she wanted. I think this is the most difficult and challenging picture I've ever drawn.

But I'm a sucker for a good challenge...so here he is. Adam Lambert for J!

Trip Home

Looks like I'll be heading back to Florida in a few weeks. The worst part, I will down there for a little over a month and J isn't going to be with me.

I'm not liking the idea of being apart for so long. It's really going to suck. Hell, we both freaked when I went to North Carolina for less than a week.

But I have to go. It is possible that I will be able to come home after two weeks but...its only a possibility. Sometimes...business sucks!

The only upside to any of it is that I will be able to see a lot of my old friends from high school.

I'll still be updating...didn't think I would neglect this blog, did ya?
I can't really...its like an addiction.

Party from Hell (pt. 2)

As promised...Back Then...

When I look back, most people would have thought that it was cool - having so many friends and how they always wanted to be around me - but I thought it was, well, annoying and a bit tiring. And honestly, most of them weren't really worthy of being called friends.

LG chased after me as I stalked off to my house. I was going inside for three reasons. One...I wanted to make sure no one was inside. Two...I was thirsty and didn't want to drink the concoction that was being passed around outside. And three...to lock the damn door so no one would go inside. The last thing I wanted was some kind of a bust that could possibly result in my mom being arrested or some shit.

I slammed the door in her face. She was really getting on my nerves. Little by little, I was beginning to realize her game. She hung around people that would make her "cool" and clung to you if you had drugs. That was the only two things she cared about. I checked all the rooms and grabbed my house key. She caught up to me when I went into the kitchen to grab my Gatorade (grape) out of the freezer (it makes a cool slushy).

"What is the deal with you lately?" she asked. She stood with her hands on her hips and tapped her foot impatiently.

I glared at her. I told her several times already that I was trying to stay clean and wasn't liking the people that I had somehow attracted to me. She didn't respect that, even though she swore she did. "I told you already,LG, I'm not into this shit anymore."

"Come on. Its just a few friends." She had this evil smirk on her face.
One thing about LG. You could always tell when she was up to something. She couldn't hide a damn thing.
I pushed open the kitchen window blinds. "A few? A few!" I let them go and stepped closer to her. "LG! There is like fifty people out there. Probably more!"

She shrugged. "What can I say? Everyone loves you."
"Fuck you!" I bumped her shoulder as I passed heading for the front door.
She stood there, looking rather blank, silent.

I figured there was no use fighting it now. Besides, I heard more cars pull up and I was sure things were going to get out of hand if I stayed inside any longer. "Lets go, LG. Before one of those drunk rednecks decides to start a fire in my front yard."

She followed me out and went straight for KK. That pissed me off too. KK knew exactly what I was going through and I thought that he, of all people, should have talked LG out of this plan. I sat on the planter and lit up a smoke. Even if the party was at my house, it didn't mean I had to participate, right? I mean, temptation was everywhere. I could smell the weed, I could see what they were passing. It was absolutely everywhere and I had to prove to myself that I was above it. That I didn't need it. It had to be some kind of a test.

Sam spotted me sitting alone and slowly walked my way. I smiled as I shook my head. She was there with the same piece of shit that treated her so bad.
"Hey," she grinned. "Mind if I sit?"
"Go for it," I told her, indicating the empty space next to me. "I hope one of these days you come to your senses and leave that asshole."
She hung her head and nodded. "He's really not so bad, most of the time."
I reached out and turned her head towards me. "In between punches? Is that when he's not so bad? I bet as soon as he's done beating his love into your beautiful face, he tells you how much he loves you."
Her eyes were wide and she rubbed her hand over the bruise I was talking about. "You don't understand."
"I do understand. I watched my aunt deal with this for years. And she didn't leave until he almost killed her and her son." I smiled at her. "You don't understand that you deserve so much better than that."

After a long silence she finally agreed that she did deserve better but I knew she wouldn't leave that jerk. I knew he had her believing that no one would ever love her. He had her self esteem as low as it would go.

"So where have you been? I looked for you at Mike's last weekend and then at Joe's the next night."
I took the hint that she really didn't want to talk about him anymore, so I went with the change of subject. "Pretty much, I've been here." I looked around the yard, "Trying to stay away from all of this."
"Really?" She sounded surprised. "Why?"
I told her all about how I wanted to change my life and quit the drugs and the people that did them. I explained how I really wanted a new start.
She put her hand over mine. "That is really cool." She started to trace my fingers with one of hers. "Maybe I should think about that too. A new beginning seems like a good idea."

It didn't take long for a fight to break out. Some kid I didn't know had picked a fight with a kid everybody knew. Big mistake. Everyone ended up ganging up on the guy and luckily I was able to get that guy to leave. (Of course I made sure that he wasn't too intoxicated to drive.) When I went back to my seat, LG was there waiting for me. The look on her face should have told me something but my adrenaline was pushing too hard to think clearly. I picked up my Gatorade and downed half the bottle, managing to give myself one of the worst cases of brain freeze I had ever encountered. It left a bitter taste in my mouth but I really didn't think anything of it.

KK walked over and kissed LG. "Hey B," he smiled. "Everything okay?"
I nodded. "As okay as its going to get."
"Well, I gotta go and pick up some stuff." He winked at me and I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Don't bring it back here, please." I was still pissed at him.
"I won't." He kissed LG again. "I'll be back in a few hours."
"Okay, baby," LG said with a huge smile. She knew that it meant she could hang all over RM.

I watched him get in the car and take off while I finished my Gatorade. As soon as he was out of sight, LG went straight over to RM, just like I thought. I closed my eyes for just a moment, rubbing my hands across my face. I was feeling weird. Feeling dizzy. Feeling like the world was slowing to a crawl. I knew what it was...FUCK! LG slipped something into my drink and I was pretty sure in a few short minutes I was going to be flying high as a kite.

I stood to go over and beat the shit out of her but I never made it.

The vent is over

It felt kind of good to get all that family shit out, even if it was just writing it in here. I think, though, that I will send a little letter in my dad's father's day card and as soon as I get the address for my brothers jail cell, I'll send him something too. I've pretty much explained my moms letter with her. And our last phone conversation was much better than any of the rest. Maybe she finally gets it. I hope.

J has been amazing. I hate anger, I really do feel it is a waste of energy, but I let it get the best of me last week. From the guilt trips my mother was trying to send me on to the heartbreak over my brothers relapse and the fact that my dad is so fucking arrogant and careless about the whole matter, I was not in a pretty mood.

So, yesterday, J and I drove over to Helen. We ate at the only fast food place there is and people watched. Tourists are funny. We checked out a few of the shops and J tried to convince me to buy this rebel flag bikini. Then we drove around watching the tubers float down the river. It's been a long time since I laughed that hard. I think the funniest was a boy that somehow got tangled in a tree that had fallen in the river. If you could have seen his face. Good times and just what I needed, like usual. She always knows.

I will have another installment of "Back Then" soon. Its getting to the part that I still stand back and ask myself, "What the fuck where you thinking?" I'm feeling like writing, so maybe I write it later tonight. Maybe.

The queen of rock...Joan Jett, in pencil.

Family shit can be so...stretching. One member pulls you one way and another pulls you the other. They all give me migraines. Anyway...back to art. Back to good.

This is another one of my drawings. Joan Jett done in 2B drawing pencil.

Don't laugh, but my next drawing will probably be of Adam Lambert. J is a fan and asked me nicely to draw him. Hmph. Because I love her, I will. She is so lucky...lol.

Letter to Bro...life or death?

LAST ONE, I PROMISE, AND THEN BACK TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOGGER.

Bro,

I had the worst dream the other night. I woke up in a panicked fear thinking that something had happened to you. That feeling stayed with me all day until I was finally able to speak with Mom. She said you were fine but that earlier in the week you had to go to the ER because of dehydration. Even after I spoke with you on the phone, I felt something was still wrong.

And I was right, wasn't I. You didn't want to tell me that you relapsed again.

We were close. As close as siblings could ever be. Hell, we were closer than most twins. But that all changed.
I'm not sure if it changed when you started drugs or when I started dating "him" or even when I came "out." All I know is that things haven't been the same between us in a long while.

There was hope, after you got over the anger of me being gay, and we actually started getting back to good with each other. But you were so deep in your addiction that I couldn't watch anymore. I couldn't stand by while you took that deadly journey that I escaped from. I confronted you, argued, fought, and at one point...threatened you with a golf club. You had no idea who you were, so fucking high, and no idea who you were fighting. Although you were bigger than me, I never backed down...I swung back and brought you down. And when you cried, I thought you had finally seen what you were doing to yourself, to your three little girls, to your wife, and to your family.

God, I fought so fucking hard for you. I walked you through the withdrawals, holding your hand and feeling your pain. And you had me fooled for a while. I think you had us all fooled.

But that addiction came back with a vengeance. It killed me every time I would wake to the phone ringing at 3am with you on the other end pulling the trigger on that gun. I flinched with every click. I flinched with every deep breath I'd hear. In the background, I would hear Trish crying and pleading with you and I was so afraid those girls were up, watching their daddy hold that damn gun to his head.

Mom wouldn't let me Baker Act you. That so pissed me off. Your wife and kids did not need to see that shit. Do you know the damage you have done to those kids? I nearly fell apart the day your oldest, Jade, told me how she found daddy sleeping in the bathroom, bleeding with a needle stuck in him. I was tempted to kill you myself. And GOD! What if one of your daughters found one of those fucking needles and tried to do what daddy was doing!? Fucking insane!

I'm the one that convinced Trish to leave you. I had to, for my nieces sakes. Do you know how many times Trish (and Mom too) called me up crying, begging for me to do something? How many times I chased you down for her? And all those times, I was sure I would find you dead. I think I've been preparing for your death since the first time you relapsed. God, that hurts!

It hurts because you were my little bro. You were my closest, best friend. You were the only guy I had ever trusted. You were everything I lived for, for such a long time. You were the one I tried to set examples for. I pushed to succeed for YOU. How many twenty year olds own their own businesses and houses? I had to show you that anything was possible. I had to show you that there was so much more to our lives than our fucked up childhood. Because you were my little bro and you meant everything to me.

Then I got that call. The call I had been dreading but preparing for. The call that said you had really tried to die. The call that I was sure was going to say that you were dead. But you weren't, thank God.

And I cried for you...every night.

And they offered you the best help and the best chance for you to recover. I urged you to take it. I begged you to take it. But you didn't. You assured me that you were strong enough but I knew better. You surprised me by making it five months. But this happy ending came to a crashing halt when I got the phone call that you were in jail.

Your birthday was yesterday. I celebrated by seeing your mug shot online. How fucking high were you? Has the drugs worn off yet so that you realize where you are?

Mom says its Dad's fault. Dad says its Mom's fault. I say its YOUR fault.

I've been there for you. We all have. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help you. I've sacrificed and put it all on the line for you. I've taken the blame. I've cleaned up your messes. I've cried with your children. I've held them while they spilled their worries on me. They shouldn't have to worry about you. They are fucking KIDS!

I can't do this anymore. I can't watch you kill yourself any longer. I hope you stay in jail. I hope that they can give you the help that none of your family could. I don't want you to die, bro. I love you too much. And your girls need a dad. They need you. Its time for you to fix yourself because, really, I think you are just an injection away from death.

Please tell me that you really don't want to die?

Letter to Mom-its only fair

Because neither of them should be off the hook here...

To Mom,

You call me your angel. Your beautiful independent angel...if you only knew.

I'm independent because I've always had to be. And I'm an angel because I hid all the bad from you so that you wouldn't have another nervous breakdown. Yeah...I'm that kind of angel. Maybe you should call me your magician. Because I always find some how to make it all disappear. Not this time.

You are not so innocent even though I always make you out to be. You see, ever since I can remember, you have given my brother everything he has ever asked for. You have made him so dependant on you that he EXPECTS you to pay his bills, take care of his kids, and pretty much wipe his ass. I know it sounds harsh, and I've told you to cut him off a million times but you always give me the same excuse. "I can't let my grand kids go without."

I understand that. But my brother is not your grand kid. He is a leech that is sucking all of your retirement money out of your pockets. Every time you call me, you remind me of this. And I'm glad you are finally angry. You should have been angry at him from the first time he fucked up. From the first time he called you from jail, crying. You should have hung up. (Did you ever think that if you left him in there the first time that maybe he would have gotten the help he needed...way back then?)

And its true...I have never asked you for one single thing. No money, no free housing, nothing. Even when my life fell apart and turned to ash, I didn't ask you for help. Even if you weren't supporting my brother, his wife, and three kids...I still wouldn't have asked. The worst part...if I would have asked, you wouldn't have heard me anyway. Hell, no one heard me because you were all too busy unloading all of your problems on me.

I don't mind you calling me to vent. But when you try to tell me that its my responsibility to tell my father how big of a piece of shit he is, I think you are wrong. I didn't marry him. I didn't breed with him. And my brother has a voice of his own. And so do you. I know you hate him, so does he, but if you really want to tell him how bad he fucked up his sons life, don't go through me. You tell him or let my brother tell him but don't tell me that I HAVE to tell him.

You really want to know the truth behind me moving 700 miles away...I had to get away from all of you. You all drive me crazy. From your complaints about supporting my brother and having no money, to my brothers middle of the night calls of suicide threats, all the way to the blame game between you and my dad. I had to get as far away as I could for my own sanity. It only half worked. All the drama and craziness followed me through the phone lines. But at least its not constant.

Truth is...dad isn't to blame for Bud. You aren't to blame for him either. I know, for sure, that its not my fault. The only one to blame for his actions is HIM. He is the soul creator of his universe. He is responsible for his decisions. He's weak. And that has nothing to do with any of us.

So please...stop complaining that its ALL my dads fault. And stop telling me what I need to do about it. Because I'm not doing it this time. Its not my turn to fight my brothers battles. All of you need to learn to speak for yourselves because I just lost my voice.

Fair warning...if you bail him out this time, I'll wash my hands of all of you. Its only fair.

Letter to Dad...did you forget?

This is a bit personal and it stings...but it needs to be said.

To dad...

Once...you were my world. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. Me, your oldest daughter...yeah, once.

It took a long time for me to let you back into my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that you were not a father but just a dad. And all those things you DID and didn't do, I had to bury. But I never forgot. How could I?

Me and my brother, your oldest son, have suffered the most from your lack of love - that bruise and grip around my neck that I can no longer see but still feel and all those un-returned phone calls that my brother is STILL waiting on. And although I have moved on and let it all go, my brother still waits, still needs that damn phone call from you.

Ha! For the longest time, I blamed myself. Because after you left, I, only ten years old, had to raise him while our mom worked her ass off to support us. Because you forgot that we were your blood, that we were your kids...even if you hated me for telling.
I learned, real fast, to be a DAD and a MOM to your SON. FUCK...it was me that taught him to play football and baseball, how to ride his bike and skateboard, how to respect, and how and when to fight.

Hmph...it should have been YOU.

And when his life began to fall apart as I was trying to fix mine, I thought I had failed.
He put up a wall and shut us, me and Mom, out after you hurt him for the millionth time. All he wanted was for you to be proud of him, for you to come see him at his football game. The first game that he was on the starting lineup. (We, he practiced so hard for that position.) But you let him down again.

He needed you to teach him to be a man but you were never a man yourself.

I watched him change from a fun loving boy to an out of control nightmare and I didn't know what to do. Before I knew it, he was diving into the world of gangs and drugs (my world that I hid so well) that I tried so hard to keep him away from. But I failed. Even though it was your fault.

Recently - when he needed you the most - you forgot, AGAIN, that he was your son. Your flesh and blood, your namesake. Do you realize that he wanted to DIE? That he took an unimaginable amount of drugs and tried to drown himself? Because of his depression caused by your rejection. Because he feared that he was becoming YOU. Do you care?

And as he fought to stay clean, to recover, he STILL waited for your call. Man, all you had to do was be his dad. He didn't want your money. He didn't want your undivided attention. He just wanted you to be a dad.

When you finally did call (after I begged and pleaded) you made him promises. Promises to spend time with him. Camping, fishing, riding, or just hanging it out. I actually saw a positive change in him and was sure he would pull through.

But you broke every promise you made - AGAIN.

Now, he's drowning, deep in his addiction and last night, he was arrested. And I'm scared that when he gets out, he'll try to die again.

And I thought...maybe it was my fault. Begging you to be a part of his life again when I knew you would just shatter him like always. Knowing that you would forget - AGAIN - that he was your first son.

But its not my fault and I refuse to take the blame for your fuck ups anymore. I'm tired of making excuses for you. Tired of pretending that you are a dad. Sadly, I ache for the youngest of my siblings. They still have no idea who you really are. But me, Bud, and Lise know you too well. And we know what's in store for them. All the pain and emptiness that you caused. The reason my brother can't stay clean and is a shitty father. The reason Lise has been on her own since she was ten. The reason I have a steel wall that I won't let anyone through, the reason I trust NO man.

Lets see where you are when they need you.

Because when my brother was so low down and ready to die, he called ME. When Lise couldn't stand the the come-on's from her step father anymore, she called ME. But Luke and Em, they don't know me. I'm thinking that its best that way. The next kid I raise will be my own.

You are not worthy of being called a father...not even dad.

So don't, I mean DON"T, call me and tell me how Luke lost his first tooth. I don't want to hear about his karate classes and how he's doing in school. It hurts because Bud deserved that kind of attention from you. And don't call me to tell me what Em has said that made you laugh. Or how she sings like me. It hurts because Lise deserved that kind of attention from you. I gave up on you a long, long time ago...so don't, DON"T worry about me. Not like you ever really did anyway. And of course, I'll clean up the mess you made of all of our lives, like usual.

But don't you EVER call yourself our dad.

Art again

This is the other drawing I did for J. Neve Campbell in charcoal. I think this picture has gotten more myspace and facebook comments than any of the others that I put up.

Some friends of mine are trying to talk me into opening an account over at deviant art. If I do, I'll link it here.

Enjoy!

Party from hell (part one)

Although I wish I could blame all of my mistakes on other people, its really not that easy. I have a mind of my own and only I can make my decisions. Therefor, only I'm to blame. Even if it was something as simple as who to trust and who not to.



Back Then...

See, getting high for me was never about trying to be cool. It was an addiction that I stumbled into so many years before. And then after MM left, it became a way for me to fill the emptiness she had left behind. A way to dull the pain that thoughts of her would cause. There were other things too, but mainly...it was her.
Without the drugs, I stopped trying to hide the pain I felt. I stopped trying to pretend that I didn't miss her with everything in me. I actually dealt with it all. Still didn't understand it and I couldn't name it...then...but I didn't run from it anymore. Instead, I moved on.

Like I said, I was doing great and staying clean. I had to avoid a lot of people to do so, but it was what I wanted. I hung around Jason a lot. We would ride around the neighborhood, me on my skateboard and him on he bike. We would hang out at the park, chill in the grass, and listen to whatever was on his headphones. I was really starting to like him. It was more than obvious that he really liked me. Did I mention how good of a kisser he was?

There was only a week left of the summer and Friday and Saturday night, there were plans for huge parties. Parties that I really didn't want anything to do with. So when people would talk to me about going to them, I shrugged it off. I knew it was expected that I would be a given at the places but everyone was in for a shock. Even if I said I was going to be there, I knew I wasn't. Some people just wouldn't shut up, so I lied.

Besides, Friday night I WAS planning on hanging out with Jason and then Saturday, we were actually going to go out on that date.

Friday came and I was relaxing out front on the trunk of my mom's car, waiting for Jason. Dusk was moving in and bringing a nice warm summer breeze with it. I completely zoned out on the clouds above me and didn't hear anyone approaching.

"You are strange," LG said, slapping the metal fender of the car.
I jumped and choked on the smoke from my cigarette. "Dammit, LG. You shouldn't sneak up on people like that," I laughed. "What are you doing here? I thought there was some huge bash going on tonight."
"There is," she smiled. I didn't like that smile at all. It was a smile that said she had some devious plan or something.
"I'm not going. I'm not going anywhere," I told her, shaking my head to push my words.
She walked around the back of the car and took my cig from my hand. She took a deep drag and smiled that smile again. "I know. I figured you were going to say that. So did everyone else."
I took my smoke back as Jason pulled up in front of my house. I slid down from the car and kissed him as he reached out for a hug. I heard LG behind us making sounds that I'm sure had a scowl to go along with them. I flicked her off behind my back.
"Missed you," Jason said with a smile.
"That's not good." I was joking and he knew it. I turned and went back to my seat on the car. He followed, standing next to me.
LG leaned forward to look at Jason. "If I was you, I would get the hell out of here."
"Why?" he asked.
I elbowed her in the side. "It's my house. He's my friend. Respect that. If you don't like it, you leave."
"I can't leave," she shrugged. She leaned forward again and nodded at the car that had just turned on our street.
I looked. I was pissed. Around that corner was more than one car. It was more like five or so and the one in the lead...fucking Rich.
"What the hell, LG?" I slid down off the car again and faced her. "What is going on?"
She laughed. "Since you won't go anywhere with us, we are all coming to you. Party is here tonight."

I watched in disbelief as each car pulled up in front of my house. Each car filled to its maximum with passengers. Each car filled with people I had been doing so good at distancing myself from. I was so pissed, I started to shake.

"Why the hell didn't you ask me before you did this?" All that anger was definitely coming through in my voice.
LG looked down the street again as more cars rounded the corner. "Because we all knew you would say no. It wasn't all my idea."
"Fuck!" I raked my hands through my hair. I was so tempted to pull it out. "This can't happen here, LG. It can't. I can't. Lets get them all to go down to your house."
I started to walk toward the cars that were emptying but LG grabbed my shirt and pulled me back.
"That's a joke, right? My parents would freak if all these people were in their front yard." She smiled over my shoulder. "And your mom is cool. Come on, B. Its the last weekend before school."

I shook my head. I turned around to tell everyone to leave but I knew it was going to be useless. They had already piled out of the cars and were drinking and smoking and doing whatever else. There must have been thirty or more people already and there were still cars pulling up. It was definitely going to be a night full of testing my will to stay clean. I hung my head and slid back up on the trunk of my mom's car. At least I had Jason.

He grabbed my hand. "I think I'm going to go." He looked over his shoulder nervously.
"No." I gripped his hand tighter. I wanted him to stay but I didn't want to beg. "Its cool. Just hang out with me."
I could tell he was debating his decision in his head. He smiled and kissed me. "Maybe for a little while."
He turned around and was about to climb up on the car with me but he stopped cold. Rich and RM were standing right in front of us.
"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing kissing my girl?" Rich crossed his arms over his chest. He was wearing a tight fitting tank top and the muscles in his arms were bulging. He looked intimidating but he didn't fool me.
"I'm not your fucking girl, asshole." I waved my hand for him to leave us alone. "Fuck off."
"You will be my girl," he said with determined certainty. He stepped forward and shoved Jason's shoulder.

This kind of pissed me off. Jason...he seemed like he was backing down. Rich wasn't much bigger than him and I was sure, if it came to it, Jason would have been able to hold his own. But he showed weakness instead and he lost a little of my interest there. It didn't fit with my "Show no weakness because only the strong survive" mentality.

I jumped down off the car and pushed Rich back myself. "I said fuck off. I'm not yours."

Rich grabbed my arm and pulled me around behind him. RM got me in a bear hug and brought us both down to our knees. I guess he knew the damage my legs might do to him if given the chance.

Rich motioned for Jason to step forward. Nervously, he did, but he didn't look ready to fight. He looked like he was about to run. And seeing Rich and him standing face to face, I realized that Jason definitely wasn't as big as Rich. He had the height but Rich had the bulk.

"Leave him alone, Rich," I yelled as I tried to free myself from RM.
Jason mumbled something and took a step toward his bike. Rich didn't hesitate. He swung, knocking Jason back a few steps. Jason wiped his face on his sleeve and threw a half assed punch back at Rich. It was too easy to block and counter, and this time Jason was on his ass. Jason scrambled on the ground and crawled to his bike. He ran like a wimp.

"If I see you around her again, I'll fucking kill you, pussy!" Rich turned around and looked at me with a cocky grin that made me sick.
"You are a fucking dick." I threw my head back and caught RM's face. He quickly let me go and I jumped to my feet. I pushed Rich onto my moms car.
"Ooh, I like it when you're rough, baby," he smiled.
"Fuck you," I said and kicked him in the shin. He immediately bent over clutching at it. I had the perfect opportunity to knee him in the face, but I didn't take it. I should have took it. "Why don't you and your boyfriend," I motioned to RM, "get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see your face." I spit, missing his head by an inch or so.
"You don't mean that," he groaned, still holding his shin.
"I do."
I walked away. I should have kept walking.

Sharing the art

So I've been doing all this artwork and most of it has been for me. Well, it has been of people that I like (Joan Jett and Otep). Then, I did Wednesday 13 for Jenophobic.

Well, J was feeling left out. (Not really) She asked me to draw something for her. (She wouldn't let me draw her. So what if I wanted to draw her nude.) She picked two of her favorite actresses and let me pick the pictures to draw. Neve Campbell and Milla Jovovich.

I did them both but today I'm posting Milla Jovovich. I didn't use charcoal. Instead I used a standard 2B drawing pencil. The reason: her eyes demanded too much detail for a charcoal pencil. Her eyes are the key to the entire piece.

So yeah...this one's for J.

For a friend

Wednesday 13. Charcoal.

Although I love making art, I went through a long dry spell. I go through similar spells with my writing and music. If I'm not feeling it, I can't do it. The art dry spell lasted about five years or so and I had thought I probably wouldn't want to draw again.

But then, I connected with Jen again.

Jen is a friend I had met in Florida a few years back. We were in the same line of work, kind of, and helped each other out a few times. We never really hung out much (the line of work we were in demanded most of our time) except for a dinner (and the flaming gay waiter) and a silly night at the HardRock (speed bumps at 50mph). But I always thought she was pretty cool. Before I moved up to Georgia, she moved to Pennsylvania. We lost touch for a while.

We have a mutual friend that had kept in touch with her. That mutual friend had asked me to check out some of Jen's artwork. I had no idea that Jen was an artist. So I checked it out. One word: Amazing! Watching her artwork evolve inspired me to pick up my pencils again. THANK YOU, JEN!

Crazy ex husbands, demanding work, and art aren't the only thing we have in common. She is recovering. She uses art to help her stay clean. I'm proud of her and all she has become. Jen is an amazing artist. Jen is a wonderful mother to a talented little girl. Best of all...Jen is sober! Nine months sober on the thirteenth of this month. And this drawing of Wednesday 13 was my gift to her...for encouragement and support in her sobriety. And for inspiring me to get back to something that I had no idea I missed so much.

Engaged

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I am a fan of JD Glass. I've read every book she has released (Punk Like Me, Punk and Zen, American Goth, Red Light, and her latest...X) at least five times each. Her books are that good.

This is a little different but just as cool, if not cooler. Check her out, along with several other artists and writers, in Yuri Monogatari 6 from ALC Publishing.



You know you want one. Or just click on it over at the Amazon gadget.

PS...thank you Starr! You kick ass!

Charcoal art

Because Otep is fucking amazing and because I was up all night (see previous post), I drew her...again. This time I used charcoal (thanks to Jules). My hands were a bit shaky, but I think it came out all right. I might change my mind once I get some sleep. Perfectly Flawed.

They are in the studio working on their next release. I can't wait!

Bitchin'

I'm feeling like...a run on sentence rant (my myspace followers love these *shrugs*)

My head is heavy and clouded because I'm fighting this pain that doesn't seem to want to subside and, although I've tried every old remedy I could think of, nothing is working, so it's got me on the edge of taking a hammer to the pain to give it something to really hurt for or trying to calm it enough so I can fall asleep but I'm not sure either would work anyway and the idea of the hammer is starting to scare me but it was a lot better than my other thoughts which I will never share because, if they scare J, I could only imagine what the one's who read this would think, hell...it probably wouldn't be a good idea to admit any of them anyway.

At least this one made a little sense.

Maybe, one day, I'll post a "Best of" post on these weird rants. Because, I know I have many more that are much better than this one...but my tooth hurts dammit!

Enough bitchin'

*Wiggle*

I'm doing the happy dance! I think I've announced this everywhere (facebook, myspace, and such) but here.

I have finished the first draft of book three! (Actually book four but I'm iffy on the first one. Its real violent.)

I'm torn. I already have a new story in the works in my head and I'm anxious to get going with it but...I hate to start something else when I'm not finished with what I was working on before. So do I get to writing the next book or do the re-read/edits on the book I just finished?

Hmm...

And when I asked J, she was no help. She said she didn't know and then started talking about what the stock market did today.

I think she just wants her computer back.

I need a new laptop. I see a barter in the near future!

Revenge and music

I find it strange, how my brain works. It chooses what it wants to remember. Sometimes, my memories scare the shit out of me. And then I wish that I could remember the entire moment so I can understand what it was that really happened. But I think my brain is just trying to protect me or something. I guess it could be a good thing.

Anyhow...Back Then...

I made it through somehow. Withdrawal beat the shit out of me but, dammit, I was still standing.

I replaced the deadly addiction with a new one...guitar. And when that wasn't enough, I'd draw. I actually drew up a comic book that somehow duplicated and circulated for a few years...around to all my friends. I was doing great and had never felt better.

KK came back into town. He was older than me, like most of my friends, but I had known him the longest. He had been my grandmother's neighbor forever. He was fresh back from California. And he was the neighborhood "dealer" if you know what I mean.

He was the only one I told about what DK had done to me. And he stood behind me as I beat the living daylights out of that fucker. I told you I would get revenge and I never said I wasn't violent (well, I'm not now but I was back then). I never saw DK again after that day. He either moved away or KK did something that he didn't tell me.

So, KK had known that I played the guitar and he told me that when he got back from his trip, we were going to start a band. But...I wasn't so sure it was a good idea.

"Why not?" he asked. We were sitting on the planter in front of my house smoking cigarettes.
I studied my cigarette like it would help me explain. "I'm just...look, I've known you forever. But, I need to stay away from the stuff you, umm, do and sell."

The quiet was deafening as he considered my words.

He patted my shoulder. "I respect the fact that you wanna be clean. I'm cool with that." He raked his hand through his hair. "I would never try to push any of this shit on you. I've known you pretty much since you were born. I'll watch your back. But, please, please be in this band with me."

I believed him. He was like a big brother to me. But I was still weary about it and I know he read it all over my face.

He took a deep breath as he searched for his convincing words. "I promise you, when we practice, everyone will be straight. We will put the music before the high. And if the rest of the guys don't like it, then they're out."

To be in a band with KK was something I had wanted for a long time. I wasn't the greatest guitar player at the time, but he was. And his knowledge of music was something I knew he wanted to pass on to me. I felt like I trusted his words enough to agree.

"Alright. I'll do it. But I mean it, KK, no drugs." I held his eyes as he stood.
"Fuckin' wicked!" He pulled me up and gave me a hug. "We won't even have to be good. You're so hot, guys will show up just to see you."
"Fuck you," I laughed and pushed him away.

And so Iron Cross was formed. KK kept his promise. Everyone, including KK, was completely sober at our practices. We practiced everyday for about two weeks. As good as it was going, I had a feeling it wouldn't last. But KK did get to teach me a hell of a lot. And after the bassist and drummer had had enough of playing sober, they quit.

"It's supposed to be sex, DRUGS, and rockn' roll, man," one of the guys complained.
KK, being the bad ass that he was, helped them both out the door with his fists. It wasn't just the drug thing they were fighting about, but I think that statement is what pushed him over the edge.

KK and I continued playing and we actually wrote a few decent songs together. (I think I still have the lyrics somewhere.) And LG...she really wasn't liking all the time we were spending together. No matter how many times I explained that he was like a brother to me, she was still jealous.

Honestly, I didn't think she had the right to be jealous. She was cheating on him constantly. He cheated on her too, but not with me. And I was kind of stuck in the middle but I kept my mouth shut. Their relationship was really none of my business. As much as they liked to pretend, I could tell they didn't love each other. Not in the least bit. It would self destruct on its own...without my help.

I had enough to deal with anyway. I told LG to fuck off. If she couldn't trust me around KK then she didn't need to be my friend. Of course she quickly apologized and tried to pawn off her anger on not having any coke or something. I shrugged it off. Whatever.

I was proud of myself. I had managed to stay away from EVERYTHING for an entire month. I still had weird withdrawal symptoms, but I was doing it. Even with the crowd of users that seemed to cling to me.

Yeah, I thought I had it made, getting past the hardest stuff, but...
TO BE CONTINUED of course!