Letter to Dad...did you forget?

This is a bit personal and it stings...but it needs to be said.

To dad...

Once...you were my world. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. Me, your oldest daughter...yeah, once.

It took a long time for me to let you back into my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that you were not a father but just a dad. And all those things you DID and didn't do, I had to bury. But I never forgot. How could I?

Me and my brother, your oldest son, have suffered the most from your lack of love - that bruise and grip around my neck that I can no longer see but still feel and all those un-returned phone calls that my brother is STILL waiting on. And although I have moved on and let it all go, my brother still waits, still needs that damn phone call from you.

Ha! For the longest time, I blamed myself. Because after you left, I, only ten years old, had to raise him while our mom worked her ass off to support us. Because you forgot that we were your blood, that we were your kids...even if you hated me for telling.
I learned, real fast, to be a DAD and a MOM to your SON. FUCK...it was me that taught him to play football and baseball, how to ride his bike and skateboard, how to respect, and how and when to fight.

Hmph...it should have been YOU.

And when his life began to fall apart as I was trying to fix mine, I thought I had failed.
He put up a wall and shut us, me and Mom, out after you hurt him for the millionth time. All he wanted was for you to be proud of him, for you to come see him at his football game. The first game that he was on the starting lineup. (We, he practiced so hard for that position.) But you let him down again.

He needed you to teach him to be a man but you were never a man yourself.

I watched him change from a fun loving boy to an out of control nightmare and I didn't know what to do. Before I knew it, he was diving into the world of gangs and drugs (my world that I hid so well) that I tried so hard to keep him away from. But I failed. Even though it was your fault.

Recently - when he needed you the most - you forgot, AGAIN, that he was your son. Your flesh and blood, your namesake. Do you realize that he wanted to DIE? That he took an unimaginable amount of drugs and tried to drown himself? Because of his depression caused by your rejection. Because he feared that he was becoming YOU. Do you care?

And as he fought to stay clean, to recover, he STILL waited for your call. Man, all you had to do was be his dad. He didn't want your money. He didn't want your undivided attention. He just wanted you to be a dad.

When you finally did call (after I begged and pleaded) you made him promises. Promises to spend time with him. Camping, fishing, riding, or just hanging it out. I actually saw a positive change in him and was sure he would pull through.

But you broke every promise you made - AGAIN.

Now, he's drowning, deep in his addiction and last night, he was arrested. And I'm scared that when he gets out, he'll try to die again.

And I thought...maybe it was my fault. Begging you to be a part of his life again when I knew you would just shatter him like always. Knowing that you would forget - AGAIN - that he was your first son.

But its not my fault and I refuse to take the blame for your fuck ups anymore. I'm tired of making excuses for you. Tired of pretending that you are a dad. Sadly, I ache for the youngest of my siblings. They still have no idea who you really are. But me, Bud, and Lise know you too well. And we know what's in store for them. All the pain and emptiness that you caused. The reason my brother can't stay clean and is a shitty father. The reason Lise has been on her own since she was ten. The reason I have a steel wall that I won't let anyone through, the reason I trust NO man.

Lets see where you are when they need you.

Because when my brother was so low down and ready to die, he called ME. When Lise couldn't stand the the come-on's from her step father anymore, she called ME. But Luke and Em, they don't know me. I'm thinking that its best that way. The next kid I raise will be my own.

You are not worthy of being called a father...not even dad.

So don't, I mean DON"T, call me and tell me how Luke lost his first tooth. I don't want to hear about his karate classes and how he's doing in school. It hurts because Bud deserved that kind of attention from you. And don't call me to tell me what Em has said that made you laugh. Or how she sings like me. It hurts because Lise deserved that kind of attention from you. I gave up on you a long, long time ago...so don't, DON"T worry about me. Not like you ever really did anyway. And of course, I'll clean up the mess you made of all of our lives, like usual.

But don't you EVER call yourself our dad.