On the road again...

This face lift project for this blog isn't as simple as I thought it would be. It has been an endless search of something that I feel suits me. And right now...I do not have the time.

Tonight I pack to leave for Tennessee again. I am clueless as to how long I will be gone and thankfully I am at a point in my life where I don't have a job that I would have to rush back for. BUT...I do have J and she will be here in GA with her family. Last night, she made me promise that we will never spend another holiday apart. It was an easy promise to make. I hate this as much as she does. Thanksgiving and this Christmas are the first holidays since we've been together that we didn't spend together.

As far as posting here while I am gone, I don't think it will happen. Grandma has a computer but it is older than dirt and I have no patience with it. I tried when I was up there last month but it drove me nuts just waiting for it to boot up. I can hear someone mumbling how patience is a virtue but ha! It is a virtue that will forever escape my clutches.

When I do get back, we will probably be heading back out again. We were thinking of Times Square for New Year's but I think we decided against it. We decided to plan better for it next year and maybe head down to Savannah instead. If anyone else has a better suggestions on where to spend New Years, please tell.

I'm sure I will take tons of pictures and I will share what I can. Hey, and there is a good possibility that this will be my first white Christmas. *Crossing fingers*

Oh well.
So, Merry Christmas to all and if I don't make it back before it, Happy New Year too!

Change...

I'm thinking about given this blogger a face lift.
Honestly, this brown thing doesn't seem like me at all. And the ones they give you to choose from...suck. So I am on a mission. New layout or bust.

In other news...
I am about to head out of town again. Tennessee bound. Yeah, I know I was just there. But this time, my mom will be there. I haven't seen her since my surgery back in July/August.

LMAO...J just sang happy birthday to me in a Rugrats voice.

Anyhow, fair warning...a change is gonna come!

Neon Angels on the road to ruin...The Runaways movie!

It is no secret that I am a huge Joan Jett fan. And I'm sure anyone that is a Joan Jett fan knows that a movie is being made about The Runaways. I personally cannot wait to see this movie.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Read the story here.
And if you are a fan of The Runaways, check out Cherie Curries book Neon Angels.

Two Oh Oh!

Yep...welcome to the 200th installment of Life Of Times/On The Surface.


I have been racking my brain since my last entry on what I should write about. I totally missed the 100th entry. The 150th entry escaped me too. But I was paying attention and didn't want to miss this one.

I thought that maybe I should do a "Back Then" entry but decided against it. Not much of the past matters to me anymore. (Don't worry though, "Back Then" isn't over.) I went through all my drawings and paintings to see if they would be good for this post, but nothing caught my eye. Then I thought I could write about J and I, but I rarely do that here and it would seem out of place.

Then it came to me...last night before I fell asleep. I'm going to write about Starr, since she is the reason I started this blog in the first place. It seems fitting...

Several years ago, I parked my Freightliner car carrier in the center lane of Dixie Highway. I was delivering cars and the dealership had no unloading zone for us trucks. It was the worst place in the world to be unloading cars. Only inches separated me from the speeding traffic on either side of my truck. But JM was one of my best customers and when he called, I never failed to show.

I pulled a 7 car Miller behind my truck and I was busy unloading the bottom rack, working the controls to the hydraulics to get the top rack high enough so I could unload. I popped the ratchet and was about to lean over to unhook the chain when pain lanced through my back like someone had just snapped an over-large rubber band across my back. It took my breath away and I turned my head in time to see a yellow SUV speeding off. I knew what happened. The driver skimmed me with his mirror.


I shook my head and stepped onto the bottom rack as more speeding cars passed so I could catch my breath. My back was stinging so bad. Finally feeling normal, I stepped back out to the road and unhooked the last of the chains. I jumped in the car and started to back off when a car pulled up behind me with its flashers on.



I sat in the car and waited, hoping they would realize that I was unloading and to move their car. A minute later, this drop dead gorgeous woman stepped out of the BMW with a cell phone to her ear. Curious, I jumped out the car I was in and met her at the back of the truck. She hung up the phone and she looked at me like she was furious and about to kick my ass. No fear though, I stepped up to her.



"Can I help you?" I asked. She looked like the 'take no shit' type so I acted accordingly. Held my head up high and stood with purpose.


All that anger in her face vanished. "Are you okay? I saw that guy hit you. I got his tag number and tried to get him to stop at the next light."


She said it in one long breath and I laughed, carefully. She did look like she was pretty mean, even under her apparent concern for my well-being.



"I'm fine. It only stung for about a minute."

"You got a cell? We should call the cops. I'm your witness."

"Nah, really. I'm fine. Besides, if I call the cops, they'll give me a ticket for unloading here."


Who knew that that would be the beginning of our friendship. We chatted for about thirty minutes, exchanged numbers, and made plans to hang out. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we have been best friends ever since.

To Starr...and thank you for the push you gave me to start this thing. LYMY!

Surrender

In the silence, its cold.
Welcomed weight of the blanket and a warm bed.
Not quite the warmth I need.
Then she touched me.
Hands of ice quickly thawed.

From within her, somehow she ignites the heat of the sun.
Simple whispers. A simple touch.
Closer to me, my heart, my soul.
"I don't want you to leave," tickles my ear.
Its not what I want either but I tell her, "Tonight, I'm here. With you."

I surrender.

Meaningless?

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. Now wait...before you rip my head off and roll it down the lane into ten elf pins...let me explain.

Its not that I don't enjoy giving people gifts and watching their surprise as they open them. Its not that I don't enjoy decking the house out with a zillion lights and causing blackouts across our little town. Its not that I don't love being with family and friends and singing Christmas songs as we cook and dance around the kitchen.

It IS because I don't like the commercial side of Christmas and the way kids think of it. And it is because Merry Christmas seems to have become bad words.

I wonder how many of today's kids even know what the meaning behind Christmas is. I bet they think that Christmas is just the day they get to get all kinds of gifts for being good throughout the year or something.
A few years ago, J and I and my family were all sitting around the tree and opening gifts from each other with my three little nieces. I love to see those girls smile, so happy, when they open gifts. But Jade, the oldest of the three, seemed a little...angry.
She had a pile of gifts beside her that dwarfed her and it seemed like she loved everything she got. So, I asked her what was wrong.
J and I always go overboard on the gifts. We will spend outrageous amounts of money on our family and friends. We just really love giving. I remember that year, the girls being older, we had bought each girl like five gifts or something like that. (You always have to give them the same amount of everything or one will get upset thinking you love the other more or something.) And they weren't just toys and clothes. It was educational stuff disguised as cool stuff. Laptop computers, real musical instruments and such.
Jade huffed and crossed her arms across her chest, giving me the dirtiest look.
"What is it?" I asked again.
In all seriousness she scowled and said, "This is it?" She signaled the huge - and I mean huge - pile of gifts beside her. "Last year, you and Aunt J bought us ten times more gifts." She really gave us hell for not giving her twenty gifts or more. J is still shocked at the way she reacted. Honestly, me too.
I blame her parents and my "material" mother. She never even thanked us.
So the next year, all three girls got artwork from me. Winnie the Pooh scenes to hang on their bedroom walls and that was it. I got scowled at for that too but now, they come to expect it from me. And until their parents teach them what Christmas is really about, that is all they will ever get from me and Aunt J.

The other day, we were in the local Walmart. We had a box of cereal and a gallon of milk as we walked up to the check out line. The nice woman rang us up and as she handed us our change, she smiled and said, "Merry Christmas."

I was stunned. I have not had a stranger say that to me in years. I smiled so big that it hurt and said, "Merry Christmas to you too."
When we got out to the car, J grabbed my hand and said, "I can't believe she said that. It was so cool."
I have to explain. Excluding this last year, we lived in South Florida. Ft. Lauderdale to be exact. No one...not a single person...says Merry Christmas down there. I swear, its like the words have become illegal. The words have become offensive. WTF? Right?
Now, I know that not everyone is Christian and such. Hell, I'm not even Christian...I'm Wiccan. But still...what the hell is wrong with saying Merry Christmas?
I talked with my mom last night. She absolutely loves Christmas. She will go get her nails done in a Christmas design. She has Christmas pins that she will wear every day in December. She even puts Christmas decorations in her cars. Her house is decked out with lights and figures all over the place. The inside is so decorated that you would think you walked into Santa's workshop or something. Get it...she loves the holiday.
On the phone, she was upset. The company she works for (a very well known company) had so many complaints two years ago about the Christmas tree and decorations they had in the lobby that, last year, they didn't even bother to decorate. Complaints! When I asked her who complained she said it was the melting pot of different religious people that she worked with. Yet, the company decorated all of these holidays but the only holiday they felt was offensive was Christmas. Crazy, huh.
Hopefully the company will decorate this year.

I guess really, Christmas just doesn't have the same meaning anymore and for that, I'm not a fan.

Snow Day Trip

Saturday, it was supposed to snow in my neighborhood. Every weather man I watched said it was at least an 80 percent chance.

They all lied.

So J and I got up early. It was a quest...to find the snow. We stopped in Helen and watched the parade - freezing to death I should add. I took a ton of pictures and we caught handfuls of candy that were being thrown out of the moving vehicles. (Yes, all of that said candy is gone. I plead the fifth.) We did our best to embarrass our roommate that was walking in the parade for her hotel, whistling and shouting her name. We caused quite a scene. But it was all for laughs.




Clowns and horses and such made their way down the street. We even saw a huge Cabbage Patch Doll. Supposedly, they were born right down the road in Cleveland. But my favorites of the parade were Cat in the Hat and Grinch. And of course, Santa and Mrs. Santa.


After the parade, we drove over to Cleveland. We didn't find snow, but we did find food. Fast food, that is...not my fave. My motto...Just say no to McDonald's. Really. Everything there makes me sick. But J has a belly of her own and was having a Big Mac attack. I made her take me to Wendy's.

With our bellies satisfied, we made a decision. If we were going to find the elusive snow, we were going to have to go up. Way up. Armed with my camera at the ready, we headed for Brasstown Bald. Its the highest point in the state of Georgia (4,784 ft above sea level).



We drove back through Cleveland heading toward Helen. I got a few great pictures of Yonah Mountain.



Once we were back through Helen, we got on the scenic highway and started our ascent. It didn't take long for us to find the snow. Gradually, the world around began to fade to white.




We passed over the Appalachian Trail and pulled over. Actually, we slid over. The road was all ice. We were pretty much at the half way point. I couldn't resist, I had to get out of the truck and play with the snow and ice. My hands complained for about two hours after, but it was worth it. J wouldn't budge from the driver seat, so I tossed snowballs at the window of the truck until she was laughing uncontrollably.

I braved the ice paved road and crossed it. In a month or two, the icicle covered wall will be nothing more than a huge wall of ice. But for now, it was just riddled with smaller icicles. I had to take a picture.



When I got back in the truck, J informed me that we should probably turn back. The road was covered in ice and she was concerned for our safety. Since I had walked across that ice, I agreed without an argument. She hit the four-wheel drive and turned us around (it wasn't as easy as it sounds) and we headed back home.





But our quest to find the mysterious snow that was supposed to cover our town was a success. Even if it wasn't, it would have been a great day...just me and my girl on a scenic drive through the mountains.

Honest Scrap...I'm such a slacker

So...DTB has passed an award my way. Honest scrap. Thank you...

I think its easy to be honest when this blog is really anonymous. Except for my friends at the CLC (which I've asked them to stop reading), Jenophobic, and my younger sister, no one that I've physically met reads this. J knows about it but the chances of her actually reading it...slim. And that's what keeps this blog honest.

In accepting this award, I believe I am supposed to confess my sins. No...wait. That is what I was supposed to do at church Friday night(instead, I snuck out the front door). No...I'm supposed to tell you all ten things about myself and pass this on to ten "Honest Scrap" worthy bloggers.

On with the honesty...

1. I spent twelve years with a very demanding, mentally abusive man. Looking back, I wasn't anything more than a well trained pet when I was with him. And for that, I became the queen of TMI - too much information. He'd drill me if I went anywhere without him and he demanded every detail. In my nine years with J, she has been helping me stop this. It was so ingrained in my head that it became habit. A bad habit - very bad habit.

2. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Especially when it comes to my writing. I have four books finished but I have yet to attempt sending them in. I just don't feel they are ready...or maybe its that I don't feel I am ready. Either way, they are just sitting here waiting for my perfectionist ass to deem them worthy of being read by someone other than myself.

3. This is going to sound cold, but I really don't miss my family as much as I think I should. It has been a year and two months since I moved away from Florida and just the thought of going back down there makes my head hurt. I have two younger siblings that I have probably only visited a dozen or two times in their 6 and 4 years of existence. This fact makes me feel like my father and I hate it.

4. I love cartoons and animated movies. And I really miss getting up bright and early Saturday mornings while the rest of the house is asleep and watching good ol' Bugs and Road Runner and such. Honestly, I have no idea if they still show those cartoons and the chances of me getting up that early are nil. My favorite old cartoon was Speed Racer (hence the nick - Speed) and my favorite films would be Monster's Inc., Cars, and Alice in Wonderland.

5. Going along with the above info...I am a huge Mickey Mouse and Disney fan. I have a collection of Disney films that would rival the collection of any kid under the age of ten. Ha! Really, I have boxes and boxes and boxes of Mickey and Disney stuff. From stuffed animals to figurines to movie posters to collectibles and so on. I even did a college thesis on Disney and can tell you a zillion useless facts about Walt and the company he started.

6. Speaking of college - I only went for one semester. Sadly, I can't blame the fact that I didn't go back on money. I had saved enough money to put myself through the first two years of college with no worries. The reason I didn't go back...because my aunt - a woman I considered my second mother - died in a car accident. This set off a two year spiral of "fuck the world" and "I'm angry at God" depression that almost got the best of me.

7. Music is what brought me out of that spiral. I wrote a song about her that helped me express all the things that haunted me. Two of those being that I never had a chance to say goodbye or to tell her how much I loved her. You'd have to hear the song to understand why those two things were so important and how I finally came to terms with all of it. This song has been performed by me at several funerals (and other places).

8. Music, art, and writing have always been my great escape. Life wasn't always so great for me so I made up lives that I thought were great and lived creatively through my pen or paintbrush or guitar. It was easier than being me. Strangely, I no longer paint but now LIFE IS GOOD.

9. I have been called accident prone or Grace but really I think crazy is a more fitting word. I lack what most people let rule them...fear. I take everything to the limit and never hold back. The way I see it, you only live this life once. And "thoughts are things" and fear is a thought. If you fear it, you will eventually bring it upon yourself. Manifestation is real. Hey...its just what I believe.

10. Finally. This was harder than I thought. I had to go through all my mental files and try to remember what I had already written about. I'm sure number 9 is scattered throughout this blog but still... And on to number 10... I truly enjoy writing this blog and sharing things that I really don't share with anyone else (besides J) with all the people that read this. It has been very humbling watching the number of readers grow. Thanks. And I really enjoy reading all the blogs of others too. You all make the Internet world interesting.

Now on to giving this award away. I'm not sure if I can give away ten but I will try. So in no particular order...

1. Solo Homo at Solohomo.

2. The Asphalt Cowboy at Musings From the High Speed Rodeo.

3. Jess at This Life is Mine.

4. Jen at Dyke Evolution.

5. Jenophobic at Psychotic...Neurotic.

If you have gotten the award before, you deserve it again...haha. Five is all I can do at the moment unless I can give one back to DTB...lol.

Quickie

Uh...short on time as usual, but I got an award! Thank you DTB.

I promise I will post it as soon as I get back from the parade.

Art of pencil

I've been quite busy these past two weeks. My lack of posts is evident. And, sorry, but this isn't going to be a post either. BUT....I am going to share more art.

This is Vanessa. I've drawn her before. This one was done in .555 drawing pencil.

I promise I will get back to posting the other stuff soon.

Holiday

Thanksgiving with my family was great. We all drove over to Gatlinburg and did the whole tourist thing. We ate at the Hardrock and then took a cable car thing up the mountain and a few of us took a lunge ride (on which Uncle T wrecked). We sampled fudge and bought T-shirts. It was a lot of fun.

We headed back to grandma's to help with all the holiday cooking.

Let me write a little about grandma's house. Its like funland. They have a huge room that used to be an over sized two car garage that they transformed into a game room. There's pool, skee ball, darts, and another game that I have no idea what the name is. And if you don't want to play, there is a huge flat screen tv and a kick ass stereo system to occupy your time. Honestly, no one can ever say they are bored at her house.

So in between cooking, we played pool. I got my ass kicked by every member of my family. But the house smelled great...ham, turkey, pumpkin pies...

It had been a very long time since that much of my family had been together for a holiday. And I think it was just what my family needed.

Solo Drive

There is just something about taking a solo road trip. Its something that I can't name...you just feel.

Granted, my road trip was only three hours long but I did drive through three states. I left Monday evening armed with my gun, GPS, guitar, and a CD case full of Joan Jett (really). There was a nervous goodbye as I settled in the car. J didn't want me to go but she understood why I felt I had to go.

See, Grandma isn't getting any younger. And she is only three hours away and I don't visit her as much as I should. I am the oldest of her grand children and one of her favorites. Yes, she has favorites. Me and my cousin Kurt. Maybe she shouldn't have favorites but really, we are the only two that would drop our lives and rush to her if she needed or just wanted us to. Cousin Mel is the only other grand kid that shows her any respect and the rest of my cousins...well, I have nothing nice to say so I will drop it there.

So I hopped in the car and loaded the CD player. I lit a smoke and waved to J as I drove down the driveway. I made a right onto the highway and rolled down the window yelling, "Tennessee here I come!"

There was no traffic and the weather was perfect. The sun was down behind the trees casting long shadows across the road and making me imagine that I was caught in a strobe light of sorts. The draft from the car in front of me picked up the dead leaves from the side of the road making it look like there were thousands of birds flying along just above the asphalt and I chased them with silly laughter, watching them in my mirror as they chased me too.

365 was vacant. The sky was the palest of blues tinted lightly with grays. I turned up "Do You Wanna Touch" and threw my fist out the window as I sang along screaming, "Yeah!" on cue. I took a deep breath of the clean air and watched as the mountains grew in front of me. Life is good, I thought.

About half way through my trip, the sun ducked down under the horizon. The mountains came to life with with lights from the hidden houses. It looked like space had opened up and swallowed the earth, turning everything into constellations of the living.

I almost didn't notice when I crossed into North Carolina. There was just so much to see. I must have driven this route at least a dozen times, but every time its different. Every time I see something I hadn't noticed before. A lighted cross on the top of a mountain. A new valley of lights. Colorful neon passing in a blur as I speed by.

My thoughts were scattered. I thought about the family I would see. Cousin Mel in from Alaska. I hadn't seen her in at least four years. Aunt C, Uncle T, and Kurt in from Florida. I hadn't seen them in at least a year. And all the rest of the family I would see.

J was never too far from my thoughts either. With Christmas around the corner, I went over the list in my head of all the things I wanted to give her. With that thought came the thought that we probably won't be together on Christmas...just like Thanksgiving. Our reasons for spending the holidays apart are the same. Her grandmother isn't getting any younger either.

The mountains got bigger the further away from home I got. And by the time I hit the Tennessee/North Carolina line, the massive beasts overwhelmed me. I've stood before the ocean, I've been so far out in the ocean that I could no longer see land, but it has never made me feel as small as the mountains do when they tower all around me.

My thoughts wandered and suddenly I felt like I was the tiny spec of dust on the leaf in the movie "Horton Hears A Who." (I think that was the name.) I was thinking about how space was infinite and really, if you want to drive yourself crazy, how we are just a spec of dust in it. Or something like that at least. Thankfully, my phone rang and snapped me out of all that.

I pulled up Grandma's driveway exactly three hours from the time I had left J standing on the front steps. No one was home yet (they were still thirty minutes away) so I got out of the car and leaned against the hood. I lingered in the silence as I stared at the infinite space above me littered with stars. Yeah...life is good, I thought. And as I grabbed my stuff from the trunk, I smiled. I was already looking forward to my solo drive home.

Shhh...

I got this in an email. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to draw it. I was tempted to make the eyes blue but changed my mind at the last second.

Shhh...

Drawn with .555 drawing pencil.

Seems my art muse is dancing a jig. This is only one of five pictures I've drawn in the past two days. Go figure...

Little things

I don't write much about my relationship with J in here. She wouldn't like it. And out of my respect and love for her, I cannot write about us. "Our relationship is ours," she says. "I don't want the world to read about it and twist it around to fit in their heads."

I can understand that and I respect that. But sometimes, I just want to tell the world what its like to be loved by her. So, in little glimpses and obscure writings, I share the good stuff. And honestly, there never is any bad stuff.

Right now, I'm sick. I'm not the kind of person who needs to be taken care of when I'm sick. I'd rather everyone just leave me alone. J knows this better than anyone. But...

She's good...real good. She has been taking care of me in my sickness and I didn't even realize it until now. She has been so discrete in her care that it almost got by me.

Its the little things that she says or does. Its like subliminal suggestions, physical and mental. I know she doesn't think that I'm onto her yet and I'm not going to stop her. Because, even though I stubbornly want to take care of myself, she needs to feel like she is taking care of me. I know this.

She is so damn cute. And when I get better, I'll let her know that I knew exactly what she was doing...and I will let her know how grateful I was that she did it.

In the new

Today feels like a blur. I'm sick but not too bad sick. But overall, it is slowing me down. As if living in the sticks wasn't slow enough...

The rain makes it worse. Winters in these mountains are dreary. Makes me wonder what the suicide rate is around here.

A phone call yesterday from my sister informed me that our uncle (an adopted uncle -not blood related) has passed away. I wasn't close to him anymore and, although I'm sad, I'm not all that devastated. We knew it was coming. God, rest his soul. Yeah, that's four grand I will never get back... (I swear, I'm not being cold. You would have to know all the circumstances here, so don't judge.)

Sitting in the doctors office today, I got a brilliant idea for my next art project. I'm still working on the big one that I started in the beginning of October but I think I might put it on hold for a bit. This new one, I have affectionately named "An Assault on Time" and I'm thinking clocks and...well, if I told you, there would be nothing left to look forward to.

My finger has healed and we have been practicing every night. New songs are coming together nicely and Lilith Fair is getting closer and closer. With fingers crossed, I'm hoping we make the deadline.

Well...August Rush is coming on. Got to love a movie about a kid and music.
Keep warm - all you Northern readers...

Sway

Better...lol.

That sunset gave way to a star filled sky. We relaxed on the steps, catching glimpses of shooting stars and making wishes to the heavens. Her breath was warm against my ear.

"You're cold," she whispered.

"Not really," I replied.

How could I be, with her arms around me tight and our heated love between us?

But she wasn't convinced and she took my hand and led me to the fire pit. Moments later, we swayed to the dance of the flame. Again, the flames enthralled me.

The brighter the flame, the less stars above. A small sacrifice for the warmth, the visions, the trance and the sway.

Its in her arms that I am me.

Sunsets

The air was wet but it was warm. A walk back from the creek led to a discovery of the world that was above me. Georgia mountain sunsets are mind altering and breath taking at times. This day was one of those days.

The trickle of the creek was in my ears, making it sound as if the sun dropping below the horizon was sizzling in some distant ocean. For a moment, with my eyes closed, I thought I could smell that ocean.

Instead, I opened my eyes to what looked like a raging forest fire. The orange sun back lighting those leafless trees. The horizon looked hot but the wind betrayed the heat. That wind, a cool slap against my cheek, whispering in my ear the promise of the chill of the night.

And what a night...

Insider

My guitars have been collecting dust. I know...its a sin, right. But that cut on my finger has kept me from playing. I think I'm starting to have withdrawals. I've been jittery and can't sit still. I really need my music fix.

The weekend looks to be a warm one. I'm actually wearing shorts and a t-shirt today. Its not the Hawaii sun I've been day dreaming about but it will work. Now if I could just conjure up some hula dancers and a fruity drink, all would be good.

Big dog still isn't liking little dog much. It bewilders me because they were the best of friends. But I'm still too unsure to actually let them out together. Big dog has big teeth and little dog is too submissive and won't stand her ground. The way of the beasts...go figure.

Mick has a new girlfriend. She seems nice, but I only met her a few minutes ago and only hung out with her for about thirty minutes. But if first impressions really mean something, so far, so good.

I started writing a new book. This one, though, isn't my usual genre. It won't be about lesbians. Shocker, huh. I'm thinking bigger...outside of the box, so to speak. I'm really enjoying writing it, even though I was so unsure about stepping across the line. But the story line that is in my head is a good one and if I don't like it, I can always switch it back to the lesbian story that originally came to my head. I will see. For now, I will sit back and watch it develop on my screen as I type it.

J and I went for a drive the other day...to nowhere really. I came across something that has been stuck in my head since I saw it. As soon as I get a picture of it, I will write about it. Its one of those things that needs a picture to explain. Or to feel.

Well, happy Friday the 13th. Hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend.

PS...there will be another "Back Then" soon, I promise.

Not dead

The ground is drenched from two days of rain. I slid through the damp dead leaves just to try and brighten up the place. There is gloom in the gray that surrounds me but I refuse to succumb.

And in my sliding, I found the perfect color. The color of fire, the sun, maybe even a tropical paradise that is warm and fluid with fun. It caught my eyes and brought me down to its level. The slightest of whispers, it told me that I'm looking too hard for the sun.

Ah, but the sun fuels life. It heals. It fills the darkness and I really need it.

But it whispered again that I was looking too hard. Because in my slide, I found it. That solitary leaf that screamed, "I'm not dead yet!" That leaf, the color of fire, of the sun, of that far off tropical paradise that I daydream about...its not dead yet!

With my silly grin in place and a twirl in my feet, I spun and yelled to the world, "I'm not dead yet!"

I'm not. So, I will live with the sunshine in my head and stay determined not to let the winter doom take control of anything in me.
The imagination is priceless and mine is in Hawaii scoping out the next set of waves coming in.
Surf is up somewhere...

Old Time Rock and Roll

This isn't new but its not that old.

In a conversation with my mother some months back, she had asked me to draw Jesus and young Bob Seger. I did both.

So here is Bob. Done in charcoal.

In Flames

It wasn't so much sensual as it was seductive. That slow dance that pulls you in. It can drown you in the colors, the brightness, the heat, and as if it knows, it enthralls you. My eyes are warm and my skin stills feels the heat. But the mighty chill in the air broke the trance.



I couldn't deny it, I wanted to touch it so bad. Like cotton candy, I imagine its sweet scent is how it feels. But the embers betray you, only in the slightest way. Its like a woman - a moving, living, breathing masterpiece - the way it moves and pulls you in.





And the taste is still in the air. That smoke so sweet and thick that chases you from your view. And that flame, it tried to escape my lens. But I was up for the hunt and stalked it like an imaginary lover immersed in a strange fantasy that only the stalker understands.







Captured but not as beautiful as the live show. It begs to be set free. Even in its slow burn.

My addiction

Maybe it was the giddy feeling caused by the twilight that chased us down the street. Or maybe it was the fact that the tension that surrounded us had caused us to be at each others throats. Maybe it was the colors that escaped the shadows and illuminated that dark place in us both. But the way she sounded so disappointed in her own statement made me laugh.
There was more behind her voice when she told me how she loved my laugh. Maybe it was a void that we had both felt and was finally getting filled. Maybe it was that gap, the trench that we had both been walking along but on opposite sides that was finally coming together.
Truth is...I want her. I always want her. She is my drug, my addiction. And really, that's all I ever wanted to be to her, too.

Voyeur

I lit a smoke and stepped out to the porch. It wasn't too cold for a change but I knew that that would be a different story later. There was a light breeze from the west and in my head, I was humming that new tune I wrote that hasn't yet escaped my mind.
More squirrels crossed the driveway, playing a game of tag it seemed as they jumped over and onto each other only to get up and do it again. They chased each other up the huge tree in our front yard and it brought my attention to the bright orange and red leaves.
The leaves danced, a sensual dance that could be compared to a mating ritual in some cultures and I watched like a voyeur secretly hoping that they would kiss before they fell to the waiting earth. The tune they danced to matched the tune in my head and I was entranced and found myself swaying with them, trying to join their ritual.
And the breeze brought in a gust of cooler air, trying its hardest to snap me out of my trance. But the leaves moved more and kept my attention as the cigarette between my fingers was neglected. My sway made me dizzy but their sway kept me grounded. For a moment, I wanted to be that tree with all those beautiful leaves dancing all over my branches. I imagined that it might tickle just a bit but I'm sure it would still be soothing.
That smoke in my hand finally gave up and burnt out as I took a breath of clean, crisp air. I rocked on my heels and smiled before I turned around and opened the door.

My only thought...it is a great day to be alive.

Stoners and Muses

J and I have some of the most interesting stoner conversations at night before we go to sleep. Neither of us are stoners, but I was at one time and I can tell you that J would have been a really cool stoner.
Last nights conversation had us on a trip through space and time with photons and atoms and molecules, dissolving and reforming in a place of our choice. I had to laugh when she said that she would go to Tibet and hang with the monks because whether or not the untrained human eye could see us was so unknown, but she was sure the monks would be able to see her.

See, stoner conversations.

For the past few mornings I have been waking up singing one of the newest songs I wrote. Its a good thing and a bad thing. The good is that it has real catchy lyrics, obviously. If its getting stuck in my head and all. The bad part is that I haven't finished the music yet and J hasn't been much help. She gets my concept but, like me, her creative muse comes and goes like a flash fire. I'd do the music myself except I blindly reached into a box on Halloween and sliced the tip end of my finger pretty damn good. It is pretty deep and right on the pad where I hold the strings. Too painful to play, so it will be a few more days before I try again.

But the song...I love it. It is one of two that I wrote that day. I have the music partially written but it needs...more. I can feel it. I can almost hear it, but I just can't write it yet. No worries, though. When I do get to play, it will come to me. Too easy...

Tension is still tight around here but I knew it would be as soon as the roomies moved back in. Such is life and I'm more than positive that I will be out of here soon enough. No, I don't have a plan. I'm just going to think it and let the Universe figure it all out. Its part of the Secret and it works...trust me. Try it.

Off to entertain my muse...

Getting Zen

The tension around here is thick. I enjoyed a smoke after dinner on the front porch while there was a heated discussion that bordered on anger and confusions divide.

Conflict pains me. It always has. Its a deep pain that can be traced all the way back to when I was a small child. My parents fights, my dad's violence that I remember so clear as if it were yesterday always seem to surface as soon as voices get raised. I do my best to stay clear of it all, only because it makes me feel like I'm six years old and that I need to curl up into a ball and protect my head.

I think this fact makes J uneasy sometimes. She has asked me a million times why I won't and don't get angry. You would think after 9 years she would get it but I really think that she will never be able to truly understand because she didn't live it.

There haven't been very many times that she has actually seen me lose control of my anger. Maybe only twice our entire relationship. And both times, I still feel guilty about. And that guilt...it is a killer.

I can't say that I was always so calm. I've done things and said things to people I loved and strangers that possibly still scar them today. That hurts still. I've been in more physical fights than most men I know. That's one thing I can attribute to my father - the knowledge and ability to protect myself and back up my words. After all, I am the only person to ever give my father a black eye. His first and only to this date. Yes, there was a time when anger controlled me and there wasn't a single altercation that I would run from. Hell, I'd take on who ever, when ever, no matter how much I was out numbered. But the conflicts still pained me.

But now...
I still won't back down but instead of running in with swinging fists, I try to come to a peaceful compromise. I control my anger, it no longer controls me. And it usually takes a hell of a lot to set me off, but when I do snap...it is best to get as far as you can away from me.

So if I avoid the tension and conflict in the house now, I really believe it is best for everyone that way. I stay clear even when they try to pull me into it. And J will ask me again why I don't get mad. And again, I will tell her the truth...maybe one day it will be enough for her to understand.

Weather and books...oh my!

The weather outside is nice. I actually have been wearing shorts for the past three days. (Only because I'm tired of wearing jeans.) Its still cold and I won't lie, I'm wearing long sleeves and my famous hoodie and I only stay outside long enough to walk the dogs or to smoke a cig on the front porch.

The leaves are pretty much gone around here. They really didn't change colors this year, instead just died and scattered all over the yard. I caught sight of a squirrel climbing through the trees. Squirrels, they move like Slinky's and they look so stealth as they slink through the trees and across the driveway. Never thought I would say this but I found the little furry thing kind of cool and it kept my attention longer than most people do. I guess that says a lot about the way I see other people...hmph.

PS...
I got my copy of Outsiders yesterday. Its a collection of short stories from Brisk Press. I am a fan of JD Glass and she is the reason I actually bought the book. Of course, I read her contribution, Triskelion, first. And...JD Glass fucking rocks! Its the story of how JD's characters start their record label (and so much more in so few pages). Yes, its my favorite characters: Nina, Sam, and Fran. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to start reading. I say start with Punk Like Me and then go to American Goth. You might want to read Yuri Monogatari 6 (graphic novel type) and read JD's contribution Sakura Gun (London) next. From there head over to Punk and Zen (my fave). Then read Outsiders...lol. And from there, check out Red Light. But wait! Then go over to JD's blog and read The Con entries. Pay attention as you read and watch how all of these books link together. I totally love them all. She has another book, too. Its called X but it has nothing to do with any of the other books but its still just as great a read as the rest. And now that you all are educated...

PSS...
My pit bull is sleeping with her eyes open and it is very fucking creepy. How do I know she is sleeping you ask? Because she is snoring. *shivers*

A little truth

I think I've finally gotten rid of my hangover. Finally. Now I remember why I hate drinking.

My friends over at the CLC have been doing their best to make me feel God-awful guilty about leaving them. There is more than a few reasons I left Florida and they know this but I guess an explanation is in order so anyone else can understand.

It is true...stress can kill. And my philosophy is when things are no longer easy, its time to find something new. Running a business from a cell phone that never -NEVER - stops ringing, ridiculous time restraints, traffic jams, and chasing money got to me. Things started to crumble and inside I was a wreck.

Its funny...when I was going through all that shit, my family and friends (not the CLC girls) still called me and unloaded all their problems. And the entire time, I was on the verge of a rageful relapse into the darkness I used to call life. And when I tried to explain, "Hey, you really think you have fucking problems? I've got overhead that weighs more than the world and a partner who has given up," they didn't seem to care.

Hell, I know I could have saved it all but I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt sick all the time and so tired but I could never sleep. My head was endless chatter of what needs to be done and what I really wanted to do. And in the end, I chose to do what I wanted to do...get out.

My family was driving me nuts, unloading all kinds of responsibilities on me that were never mine. My brother's drug problem, my mom's money situation, and my dad's absence all of a sudden became, "You have to do something, B." My nieces well being all of a sudden became, "They need a better home life...do something." And certain friends became my responsibility too. Those two in the morning phone calls like I was a suicide hot line became, "B, I'm in my truck and I'm driving straight for the wall at full speed and I know you can save me. Only you know what to say, do, think...and you will save me."

But I'm nobodies savior really. I couldn't deal. And the solutions I came up with, nobody listened to anyway. "Baker Act the fuck up." Or, "Tell your husband to stop wasting the money and to get a real job since he fucking pissed away your retirement on shit that he didn't want or need." And my nieces, God bless those beautiful little girls, "Leave him. Get a job. They are your kids too. Only you can make their life any better." And, "Stop fucking around with straight chicks! Dyke up already. You know they only break your heart."

And the end results. He is still an addict and a loser. He quit his job and now sits on the computer all day, jacking off to porn. (This one has partially worked out.) She got a job and left him but moved those girls into a house full of old drunk, drugged out sorry excuses for women. And she is still dating straight chicks and getting her heart broken. Its nil.

So I left and they chased me down through my phone. I shut off the phone and they chased me down on the computer. So I stopped checking my email. It is about time they all learned to live without me to step on, run to, expect a miracle from. It was all too much to ask for. I had a life, a house, a business, vehicles, a great relationship, and I let all that stress and pressure almost kill me. I walked out and away with the only thing I could salvage...my girl (and I almost lost that too.)

I'm finally back to good and there is no way in hell that I'm chancing what I have now. This is MY life now and I'm not going to show any of you how to live yours anymore. Live and learn...that's how everyone else does it. I know it all sounds selfish but dammit! I lived with all their shit all my fucking life. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy and to live without their problems.

(Dimes, baby. I love you and really this rant has nothing to do with what you said (its Starr). I love you and miss you like mad too. But really, guys...am I not better now? You really don't want me to go back to being the way I was before I left, do you? Starr...ease up on the guilt shit, please. I need to do this for me. For me and J. She is everything to me and you know that. You know where I'm at and you know that whenever you want you can jump on a plane and be here in less than three hours. You have the means to do that and I know you could bring all the girls if you wanted to. I miss you guys but I don't miss the life and I can't go back now. Ease up on the guilt and show me some understanding, please. And you are making me say it...or else.)

I remember Halloween

Halloween was a blast. We had good times with some fun people.

The night started with J and I heading over to her grandmother's house. We scared and scarred the little trick or treaters and I'm pretty sure we were the stars in their nightmares last night. It was all in fun and by the time we left, the kids were smiling again. (I'm the skelton and J is the bloody one.)

We headed out to the HH Pub (aka Travis' house) for the annual Halloween party that is usually pretty damn good. But this year, there was no live band and it seemed that there wasn't half of the usual crowd. Ahh, but the freaky fruity punch was smokin' (literally) and we had the Misfits blaring through the sound system. We all danced, singing, "I remember Halloween..."

A bit later, we all did a drunken rendition of Green Day's "When I Come Around" and then an even better rendition of DeadSea's "Crimson and Clover." The mosh pit was on the verge of getting out of hand during White Zombie and I think I laughed out a lung. And then Preacher Kerr showed up with a new CD that had a mix of movie music...had us all laughing so hard that most people's makeup was ruined.

The highlight of the evenings dancing was the stumbling run through of "Thriller." Oh yeah, J knew all the moves and it was funny as hell as the rest of the party goers joined her in the steps.

By the end of the night, J and I had been propositioned by a mobster girl, a nun, a Hooter's chick, and Commando. Good times...but I really missed my crew. (My face was falling off --->)

Samhain

Happy Samhain everyone. Happy Halloween for the rest of ya.

I hope you all have a festive, wonderful, scary, and safe night.

***CLC note***
All of you better stay at Starr's tonight. No drinking and driving. And thank you for all of your anniversary wishes. We both LYMY guys too.

Blessed be all you restless souls. Pictures will follow.

Live and die

I took her to a hockey game where we found 80 dollars and then out to show her Fort Lauderdale, Speed style. We talked by the ocean and walked the pier. We witnessed a stingray doing a ballet below us. But still, that night, we just talked until the sun came up.

Our time was short, or so we thought. I took her to dinner where we tossed peanut shells at each other and almost got kicked out. She met my brother (which didn't go so well) and ended up on the seawall behind my house.

It started as a slow dance, both of us being careful not to cross the imaginary lines too fast. Her hands, her body felt so good against mine. The shadow of her smile illuminated in the torch light. Those lips, I wanted them. I wanted them in places all over my body.

And then they touched the skin of my neck. My pulse jumped below them. And then her tongue, the warmth, the electric current that shot straight to my center. "We shouldn't do this standing up," she whispered. With her hand in mine, I led her to my room where the slow dance resumed against the wall, the door, on my bed.

I remember thinking, so this is how it is supposed to feel.

I woke up early and called the airline. I was keeping her for as long as she could stay.

It has been nine years, nine years today. Nine of the best years of my life. I've never loved like this before. And this morning, her kiss and the words from her lips - "Thank you." and "I love you so much." - filled me.
She is love...the love I live for and the love I'd die for.
"I don't breathe another lover."

Happy anniversary baby!

becomes us

We met in a chat room. We were both looking for musicians for projects we were working on. We clicked and decided that we needed to jam.

I was very unhappily married at the time. We were separated but still living in the same house. It was a big house. He had his half and I had mine. We still worked together since the business was OUR business and we were both damn good at it. But things between us sucked.

I bought her a plane ticket, told her just to bring herself because I had all the music gear she could possibly need and we'd audition each other. Me to join her band (SP) and her to be a writing partner. I remember she was nervous about the flight...she had never been in a plane before.

At the airport, I waited at the gate excited to be meeting my possible future band mate. As the time got closer, I got more nervous. Why? I kept asking myself. Its just music. But then she came down the hall. She had a Mohawk and was wearing an army jacket. My first thought was that she was fucking hot. She didn't see me and just as she was about to walk past, I reached out and grabbed her, giving her a huge hug. I knew in that embrace that we would be so much more.

We spent the entire night in the music room trying to impress each other or something with our knowledge and talent. She said that I stole her heart when I sang and played "Crimson and Clover" Joan style. And she knew her heart was mine to keep when I played "Colorful Sweet," one of my originals. As confused as I was at the time, I know that I fell in love with her when she played "Mayonaise" and she sealed it for me when we jammed to "When I Come Around." It was the look in her eyes, the quick of her lips, the way she watched me as I watched her, and that slight sway to a rhythm only we could hear.

But like I said, I was confused. And that night, I gave her a choice. She could crash out in the music room or crash out in my room with me. She chose my room but...BUT...we kept our hands to ourselves. Honestly.

Wonderful Twist

We cruised down the twisting road to the picture show. Where the Wild Things Are swam through our eyes to the part of the brain that says, "Hmmm." Her hand warmed my leg while my imagination took us on a ride. And the sounds she made when she tried to keep quiet...

Back down the twisting road, we stopped for an icy treat. Rainbow sprinkles and chocolate covered strawberries and a brain freeze that could battle the worst of migraines. An overheard conversation of a little girl upset that the dance was cancelled -dressed as the dark princess with her black lips and a black rose.

Once again, to the twisting road. Burgundy brushed clouds with a midnight blue backdrop. Tiny dots of white started to appear. And I sang to her...cinematic love truck...and she held my hand...like nothings gonna stop us.

Up the dirt drive, guided by the moonlight. One foot on the steps and she pulled me back, held me to her. "Thank you for a wonderful night," she whispered against my lips.

"Wonderful," I whispered back, finally getting a taste of those chocolate covered strawberries.

Thud

Is it possible for your brain to melt? Wait! I really don't want to know that answer.

I'm awake (not really)

I think I finally found something that I hate. I HATE being sick! I have been in and out of consciousness for the past three days (I think) and I'm finding it hard to believe its Monday. WTF?

We were supposed to be going to a hayride and corn maze this weekend but I think I slept through it. I have no idea what I have been writing in here or anywhere else for that matter. J should know better than to leave me alone with the computer when I'm out of it...lol.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Me and Brody (little dog) watched Hackers this morning while everyone else slept. Brody really does watch TV. She has all the right reactions at all the right spots too. She is a mutt, so maybe she's part human too.

Now I sound crazy.

Days of J should start tonight...if I'm awake.

High Tension Art

Since I haven't been drawing anything lately, I figured I could post some of my older stuff. This is the actress from the movie High Tension. I have no idea what her name is and I'm too lazy to look it up. I did this in charcoal for a friend (PJ) a few years back. It has been in her possession ever since.

*insert Pink Panther theme*

I think I need to stay away from a keyboard when I'm drowning in NyQuil. I see I posted something yesterday and I can't even remember what. And now I have a NyQuil hangover. Hmph.

I guess this is proof that thoughts are things. The early morning we took J's Grandma to the hospital, she had said that she was afraid for me to go because she didn't want me to get sick. So yeah, its all her fault.

Hell, I think I still have no idea what I'm writing. I better quit before I give away everyone's secrets.

My business

As promised....Back Then (its a lil late...)

As a young person, I made some pretty stupid things. But I really think we all did.

I was a little over a month into my tenth grade year. School was kind of getting to me. I was thinking that it was just a big waste of time. But I loved my art class and my drama/stagecraft class, too. Somehow, I convinced myself that those two classes were worth going to school for. In both of these classes is where I met D-friend (silly nicknames we had for each other) aka, the Crayola Queen. She was one of the maybe five or so Goth kids at our school. Seriously, she was Goth before Goth hit mainstream. I didn't know it was possible for a human to be that white and still be alive.

In my efforts to change the path my life was on, I decided she would be a good friend to have. Meaning...she was clean, no drugs.

BM didn't do drugs either, so I was spending more and more time with her. LG knew her too and we would all hang out together after school. Actually, LG was kind of clinging to me...now that she noticed I was spending more time with other people. And when she would hang out with me and BM, drugs seemed to be foreign to her. Maybe it was because BM didn't think they were cool. Get it.

Anyway, I was doing much better and staying away from everything seemed to be getting easier.

Rich and I, well...he was kind of clingy too. At first it annoyed me, then I just got numb to the fact. There was purpose behind me dating him, I would keep reminding myself. But Sam sightings were few and far between.

Honestly, as I look back now, I remember being so confused. Confused about her and confused about Rich. Both were amazing kissers but when I kissed her, I felt something more, more than I ever felt with him. I really didn't understand when really, I should have. But I never took any of it seriously anyway. I was only fourteen...I figured that I would figure it all out when it actually became important to me. And at that time in my life the only things that were important were art and music and skateboarding.

BM had to work the weekend and I ended up hanging out at the theater with Rich, LG, and RM. There were others hanging out too but, like RM's brother and another of our local drug dealers and his latest fiend. Just because I was hanging out with them didn't mean I had to talk with them and I was doing great ignoring them for the most part. But then...

"So, have you met Fred yet?" RM asked over my shoulder.
I was busy playing Galaga and I really didn't want to answer.
"Well?" he asked again.
"It's really none of your fucking business," I told him without turning around.

By this time his brother had walked up too. He asked me the same thing.
"Leave me the fuck alone. And again, it is none of your business." I turned around and Rich and LG were standing behind me against the wall. Both of them smiling at the questions I was being asked. I glanced at RM and JM and asked, "Why? What did he say?" I nodded my chin in Rich's direction.
RM laughed and leaned against the side of the arcade machine. "He said you've been giving him blue-balls."

Truthfully, I had kissed more than a few guys and a couple of girls by this age. I'd seen more body parts of both than most girls my age. I knew about sex and the mechanics of it all. I wasn't innocent. BUT, I had never in my life heard anyone say that they had blue-balls. My first thought...he's diseased.

"Blue what?" I asked, trying to hide my confusion.
JM put his arm over my shoulder. "He's saying that you've been getting him all worked up and horny and then sending him home."
That kind of pissed me off. "Well then, he deserves his blue-balls if he is telling you guys that much."
And they thought it was funny. At least it kept them from staying on the subject.

Later, as LG and I were walking home (actually, I was riding my board and she was walking), she brought it all up again.
"I can't believe you haven't slept with him yet." She was a bad actress and I could tell that whatever she was going to say, she was asked to.
"LG, it's not my thing. Besides, there's no rule that says that just because he is my boyfriend, I have to sleep with him." Out of all the people in the world, LG wasn't the one I would have chosen to have this conversation with.
"Are you scared? Like you'll get pregnant or something?"
I looked at her like she was 90 degrees of crazy. "No. I just don't want to. I have no interest in meeting Fred."
"You don't know what you are missing," she said, kind of laughing.

It was no secret that she had slept with KK. Even less of a secret that she had slept with RM and maybe a dozen or so other guys.

"Actually, LG, I know that I'm not missing a thing. What makes you think I'm a virgin?"

This knocked her off balance a bit. For a few minutes, she didn't know what to say.

"Well, then why don't you just fuck him and get it over with?" she asked.
We stopped in front of her house and I slapped the tail of my board against the ground making the board jump up in my hand. "Because I just don't want to. And I'm not going to change my mind for any of you. If I ever get the feeling like I want to sleep with him, I will but until then, all of you need to stay out of my business."

I left it at that and headed home.
Here's a laugh for you all...I slept with Rich less than a week later. And of course, it sucked. BUT, I did sleep with him because I wanted to. I had finally gotten to hang out with Sam and when she left, he was there.
Stupid reasoning, I know but... And if he ever knew....hahaha...

Germs: Stay away

The last twenty-four hours have been...cold, crazy busy, and a little on the "I don't wanna get sick" side.

We got a phone call -yesterday, I think. It was after we went to sleep Tuesday - from one of J's aunts at a little after 3am asking us if we could help take Granny to the hospital (she asked J but I couldn't let her go alone). Of course we both jumped up and rummaged for clothes, a little groggy but really, we had just went to sleep. We spent all freezing morning into mid afternoon at the hospital. Granny is going to be fine -she's sick with a bad cold- but they did keep her. Said she wasn't breathing too good. She should be out Friday.

(Yeah Starr...I was at the ER and it wasn't for me. Shocker, huh.)

J's other aunt -who would have been the one that took Granny to the ER- had to go to the doctor herself yesterday. Seems she has pneumonia.

Now I'm repeating this in my head: "I am healthy. My immune system is strong."

I really do not want to get sick. I did that pneumonia thing last year and it hurt like hell.

And due to my zombie-like coma yesterday, I owe this blog an extra post. So -fair warning- I will be back and maybe even with a Back Then post.

PS...another warning: Next week expect "Days of J" week. Its our ninth anniversary on the 30th. And yes, I will be explaining the "Mayonaise" song. It will be mushy!