Just quit

My lovely girlfriend, J, is mad at me. She's mad because she wants me to quit smoking and I haven't yet. Its not that I don't want to quit, its just that I have it stuck in my mind that I can't quit. Although I've tried to change my mind on this many times, my way of thinking hasn't changed.

Last year, I had pneumonia. It was very painful and not something I ever want to have again. At first, the doctors thought I might have injured my ribs in a fall. I wasn't able to sit, stand, or lay down. Nothing was comfortable. They fed me pain meds and sent me home, saying that they were going to send my x-rays out to a specialist and that they would call me with the results.

A few days later, they left a message saying that they found something in my x-rays and they needed me to come back in. Talk about scared. The worst part was they wouldn't tell me anything over the phone. I was so scared but I wouldn't tell J any of it. Her mom's passing was still too fresh in our minds and I didn't want her to worry. (Her mom passed from cancer.) I vowed to quit smoking that day. Tossed my smokes in the trash and didn't look back.

Well the x-rays told the docs that my problem was the pneumonia. I was relieved and it was burnt into my mind that my 15 years of smoking really was a problem. A problem that I was sure I wouldn't go back to. I did great, too. No smoking for at least two months. I was proud of myself and so was J.

But things started to get stressful. Our business was taking a bad hit because of the rising fuel costs and the failing economy. Family problems were on the rise. And instead of finding a way to relieve my stress that wouldn't inflict any kind of damage on my body, I went straight for a pack of smokes.

I know stress is no excuse. But I was working 20 hour days and my cell phone was practically becoming glued to my head with business calls and family problems. And all of it was causing problems between me and J too. I hated it but I was really on the verge of losing my mind. So much so that I almost did.

In the end, I sold the business. Sold everything we had. Packed the rest up and moved to the North Georgia Mountains to escape it all.

But I'm still smoking. I have no stress. No worries. No more fucking cell phone. No more people calling me 24/7. And I'm still smoking.

I guess its really time for me to quit. Just quit!

Wish me luck.