Song Change

Edwin McCain. Solitude.

We have a small town just west of here that we go to from time to time. Its a long stretch of road that sometimes gives you the sense of being lonely. There a re a few houses here and there but they all seem so lifeless. Especially in the winter time.

Along this road, there is this chimney. Yes, just a chimney. It stands proud in the middle of nothing but weeds and grass. It always catches my eye. Somehow, it gives off that "solitude" vibe to me and it made me think of this song.

Enjoy...

Need to read

I need some new reading material. As far as I know, JD Glass, Kim Baldwin and Xenia Alexiou, and Radclyffe haven't put out anything new and they are my faves. I did hear that Joan Jett has a book out and Cherie Curry revamped Neon Angels. I have the original Neon Angels somewhere. Has anyone read the new version?

Updates on my brother are minimal. You would think that these highly paid, well educated doctors would have been able to figure out what is wrong by now. But the news was good. He is getting better a little more each day. And I have been praying that he will come out of this with a new, positive outlook and never go back to his old ways.

I have to believe he will. I really don't want to lose my best friend to drugs. I've already lost too many already.

Permanent Vacation

Well, I'm back from my trip to grandma's house. It was great. I helped them plant everything from roses to bell peppers and installed some fans and light fixtures. We went fishing and caught some trout and I treated them out for dinner on my step-grandfathers birthday. I really enjoyed my time there.

I didn't get to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam but I did get to see and go fishing with my Aunt Sherry. We didn't get to have a huge cookout like we planned but its okay. I plan on going back up as soon as I can.

I really didn't want to come home. Eleven days just wasn't enough time. But J really wanted me to come back...

While I was away, my brother got pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a few days then released only to have to go back to the hospital two days later. He's still there now but things are looking better for him. Mom says that he has been showing improvement every day. Thanks, Starr, for checking up on him for me. I owe you one or two or three...I lost count.

My time away ended up being just what I needed to get through all the crap in my head. Unfortunately, I'm still a little unclear on what my future will be. I really needed more time but I hate to hear the sound of tears - it crushes me - so when J asked if she could come up and get me, I gave in. Now I think I should have stood my ground and said no.

I think that maybe the problem isn't so much with J and I. I think its more about this house and the others that live in it. Sadly, as soon as I walked back in the door from my trip, I was instantly angry and full of hate. Its really not like me to be that way but it is out of my control any more. The people I live with just seem to bring out the worst in me.

Oh well...

I'm plan-less at the moment. I have two commissioned art projects to work on and a new song in the works. Other than that...I'll be attempting to keep my temper and sanity in check until I can get out of this place permanently.

Yeah...in desperate need of a permanent vacation. Hmph.

Future

Slowly...I'm getting ready for my trip. Sadly...I won't be able to bring my iMac.

But that's okay. I will be spending most of my time fishing anyway. Grandma loves to fish. I figure that by the time I get back, I won't want to see another fish for at least a year or two.

And the plan is...

Grandma is getting up there in age. I know of a million things that she loves to do but doesn't get to do them much anymore. Her husband (although he is younger than her) doesn't get around so easy anymore. He fell off one roof too many back when he was a carpenter. I figure...leave him at home to watch his game shows and me and Gramms will hit all the thrift stores and flea markets we can find. Maybe catch a movie or two. Eat at Red Lobster. Find a bowling alley. Start a garden. If I'm lucky, I'll get to climb a few trees and trim them up with the chainsaw. I plan on over filling their cabinets with plenty of good-for-you foods. Maybe even implanting some of my most positive thinking deep in their psyche.

Things I hope for...

A huge cook out with the half of my family that is close enough to visit. Aunt Sherry and her Doug, Uncle Jim and Aunt Pam, and hopefully cousin Justin and his Mitchell. Maybe even my cousin Jim and his huge family. If that happens, then possibly a huge game of CLR where I can lose all my quarters to my Aunt Sherry or Grandma. Maybe a pool tournament where I can lose more quarters. Possibly some darts where...well, you get the picture. And in all the quiet times, I plan on talking with my grandmother and learning all I can about what it was like for her to grow up poor in a huge family. I believe a book about her life would be amazing and even if I only let my family read it, I think it would be something she will be proud of until the day she passes on to the other side. And besides...I really want to know about her life. Our elders are walking encyclopedias of history. History that they lived and we will never be able to truly experience unless its put down in words for our futures.

All in all, I'm really looking forward to this trip. I'm looking forward to cleaning out my thoughts and getting back to whats important to me...even if I'm not sure what that is anymore. I think I need the head-space to breathe again. I just hope that J understands.

Past repeats

I've been commissioned to do a four generation portrait. Cool, huh.

As I mentioned before, I'll be heading to Tennessee this week. I'm looking forward to getting in some good family time. Yeah, I've missed my grandma. So...I was cleaning out my backpack so I can take my art supplies with me and I stumbled across an old journal that I hadn't written in since 2003.

If I remember correctly, its a journal that J had given me in the first year of our relationship. Yes, the majority of what is written in it is to her. And as I read over it all, it scared the shit out of me. I wrote some pretty intense stuff. What scared me the most - I know exactly what I was going through when I wrote that stuff. Its the same thing that I'm going through now, except now its intensified by ten-fold.

If I survived it then I should be able to survive it now. Shouldn't I?

That kind

I love you...words that you cannot take back.

But what happens when the words no longer portray what you feel? Is it still love? That kind of love?

Wasted.......

And so it goes...

I hope...HOPE...this heat is here to stay for a while. I sat in the sun for a few hours today to try and thaw my bones. I'm close to being unfrozen. Close.

I'm planning a trip. I'm going to be heading to Tennessee for a few weeks. I figure that its about time I go spend some time with my grandmother. She only lives three hours away and I have only been up there to visit twice. I know, I'm pathetic. I have been doing absolutely nothing for a year and a half and I couldn't make more time to visit with my grandmother. Hmph. I plan on making it up to her. Hopefully she can still do some of the things we used to do when we lived in Florida. Fishing and bowling were always high up on her list of fun things to do. Maybe I will take her to a movie.

I've asked J to stay home. My head has been feeling all wrong and I really need the space to get grounded and back on the right track. She isn't liking my request for space but I honestly need it. I'm afraid that if I don't take the time now, I will make myself worse. And my insight to that probability would mean the end to us. I know she doesn't want that. Sadly, I'm at that place where I just don't know anymore.

So be it....

Meant for

What have I done?

I've lost myself...

Was I really meant for so much more?

Loca

What have I done?

The worst sound in the world is the sound of someone you love crying. Crying over something you said or did. It slices my soul.

Is there a difference between love and in love?

Is it too late? I loved deeply, wholly, for all these years and now...now you want to love me like that?

Tempted to say fuck it and walk away from it all. But that is me...avoiding the conflict. Here and now, I have decided. I've planted my feet and will face what I have started head on without backing down.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I can leave all that pain in the past...but tell me, will these scars fade?

I hate this, all of this.

Nothing at all

Warm weather! Finally.

Now I just hope it sticks around.

They're coming to take me away, ha ha

I swear I'm not insane...maybe a little psychotic though.

Shh...the monkeys will hear you laughing

Just when I was sure things couldn't get any crazier, someone goes and throws in a monkey. Hmph...

Writing has again taken the backseat as music and art battle it out for my attention. Damn monkeys.

Oh! Oh, oh! Anyone out there that reads this and has celiac disease like me: Stay away from LifeWater. Bad, bad, bad for your already tortured stomach. Actually, I'm not sure if its the celiac that LifeWater doesn't agree with or another possible allergy of mine but either way...I will never drink it again. Lesson learned. Hmph...gimpy stomach and them damn monkeys.

I've been searching for a video camera that is compatible with my lovely iMac. I don't want anything outrageously expensive really, just something that I can use to catch the monkey's that surround me at highly comedic, less than flattering moments. Oh, and to record videos to put with the music I am making. Okay, so the second reason is the real reason, but don't think I'm not watching. Damn monkeys....

Don't let them damn monkeys steal your banana's...or your pillow, or you cereal, or your damn socks for that matter.

Damn monkey's.

Decisions

Decisions.

I know what I want.

I know what I need.

I know what I have to do.

And I know its going to hurt like hell either way I choose.

Whispers.

When its much too late.

When the words have lost their feel.

When they mean nothing.

Nothing at all to these numb, deaf ears.

Both is not an option. They want it all to themselves.

Decisions...its gonna hurt you.

Creating

So cabin fever is killing me but it has also been productive. I'm learning my new iMac and loving it. Garage Band rocks. And iMovie...nice. And in learning to use the two...I came up with this video.

Yes, that is me on vocals and guitar. Now remember, I said I was learning. Next time, voice goes on separate track. Anyway...me singing The Runaways - Wait For Me.

Broken

She says her love is overwhelming.

She says it will scare me.

She says so much.

I am overwhelmed.

And scared.

But I feel so much.

Between us, the space has grown cold.

A mutual existence has taken over what once was.

I don't want to lose, but I want to grow.

The question of both hasn't escaped me.

Wrong or right, I have to know.

Good or bad, I have to learn.

Either way, I think I'm broken.

But I hear new life coming my way.

I'm so sorry.

Friends

Dark

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Trying to hide from the wind.

It could be change but it might hurt.

Never been one to follow.

But feel the need to be guided.

Somewhere, anywhere but wrong.

Walking from shadow to shadow.

Peace in the dark.

Speed

Winter is dreadful. I promise I will never claim winter as being my favorite season for as long as I live.

With that said, yes...it is another gloomy day in Northeast Georgia. I really, really need to escape. Really. It would be so nice to smell the ocean. To hear the waves crashing. To feel the spray against my face. I would love to be able to see the sun for more than an hour and actually be able to feel the heat from it. God! I miss my tan, dammit.

I'm hoping that once winter is over, I will be able to find myself again.

In other news, I think I might have found my motorcycle. Its a 2005 GSX-R 600. Its a little smaller than I wanted but the price is right. Now I just have the difficult task of convincing J to turn her head when I buy it. She really doesn't want me to get one and has warned me that she will never ride it with me. I think I can deal with that but I can't deal with making her worry. My solution to that is to just show her that I know how to ride and promise her that I will be safe. I'm sorry, but that will have to be enough. Besides, the roads around here are much safer than Florida's.

She still is trying to talk me out of it. She even went as far as to tell me that she would be more than happy to let me get a drag bike and start racing again. That made me question her sanity. In my mind, a drag bike is much more dangerous than a street bike. Her point was...the safety equipment required for drag bike racing makes the sport safe. Hmph...

Either way, I will be getting a bike. Either way, I will have to get a license for it. Now I just have to decide if I want to ride whenever I want or whenever the track is open. I think the street bike is going to win.

Truth

Truth is...I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm walking the line of completely losing control. What do I do now? What have I done? Right...wrong? Nothing makes sense and I'm a little bit afraid. Should I be?

I've written about jumping out the window and testing my wings but I have so much to lose and, quite possibly, so much to gain. And as I walk that line, confusion is pulling me from both sides.

I think I might be lost.

Words

It's her words.

They melt me.

Like a candle that is nothing but a reflective liquid below a dancing flame.

Those words.

The simple sounds.

Like a melody only I can hear through all of the noise that surrounds us.

Sweet words.

What they mean.

A deep meaning that stirs so much more than the letters that possess them.

Sweet, simple words that melt me.

...and I'm bored

Hmm...what to type about?

Winter is deadly boring around here. Really, cabin fever does exist. We had a bit of snow this past week and had two fun days of playing in it but now its just back to freezing cold. Hmph.

I think the winter time makes me miss home so much more than any other season. South Florida is lucky to get maybe five days of really cold weather but the rest of the year, you can go and hang out at the beach with not even a sweater. Swimming is another story.

Valentines Day, yes. We aren't into the bought gifts thing. We take the day and make it just a "together" day and then give each other cards. Sometimes we make a little something for the other...which was the case this year.

J did something that was really super sweet, something I really didn't expect. She went out and bought boxes of those little Valentine's cards that kids give out in school. She wrote a special memory that we shared on each and every one of those little cards and stuck them in a heart shaped bag. It took me almost an hour to read them all and some had me laughing while others brought tears to my eyes. We have a lot of memories over these past nine years and it was an amazing ride reading her perspective on them all.

I got her a card and on every blank part of the card, I wrote something that I loved about her. Yeah, it took her a while to read...I wrote really small. The smile and kiss she gave me was priceless. I also sketched an old picture of us from back when we first met. She loved it but I think my idea fell short this year. Next year, I plan to top her bag of memories idea ten fold.

I read my horoscope today...something I don't do very often. I won't explain why but anyway...

It kind of shocked me. It was pretty accurate about what is going on inside me and around me. Kind of scary if I really think about it. I think it might be best if I just forget I read it.

Well, it might be boring around here but I still haven't been posting much in here. Uh...because its boring. There is absolutely nothing blog worthy going on around here. I think I might just have to go out and find some trouble to get into. Yeah...trouble...that sounds more like me.

Vertical Flurries

I swear to you...

Its like walking into the outer edge of the eye of a hurricane out there. Vertical flurries and wind that feels as if its slicing you in to small slivers.

The leaves chased my dog up, yes up, the driveway. The fear in her eyes would have explained it all.

My friend was telling me last night about the things we take for granted. Today, I agree. I took for granted all those comfortably cool winters in South Florida. I took for granted that bright, beautiful Florida sun.

And as my feet are trying to thaw and I slowly regain feeling over the rest of my body, I realize that maybe I was wrong in wanting it to snow. Fuck playing in it...I'd rather have a heated pool or the ice cold ocean.

A change...

I think I found something I dislike more than summer weather in South Florida...yep, winter weather in Northeast Georgia sucks.

I've really been missing home lately. And its really not the weather I miss. I think its more like the familiarity of home. I know J wants to live up here because this really is her home, but sometimes I doubt I can do it.

Mountains are beautiful and I love the creeks and rivers but they still do not compare to the ocean and the Glades. At least to me they don't. And it has been so long since I've seen the ocean that I'm beginning to feel jittery. I've realized that being land-locked isn't so much fun.

I was talking with J about this the other day. Although she won't admit it, I can tell she's feeling pretty restless herself. I guess you can't introduce a country girl to the city life and expect her to jump right back into the country life again. It got me thinking that maybe her restlessness is what is causing her to be so unstable. Maybe.

My grandmother invited us...dogs and all...to come and stay with her for a little while. To me, it sounds like a great idea but I haven't had any luck convincing J.

I'll keep trying.

Maybe a change will do us both some good.

Show Me

Playlist update...

I was told this song was how someone felt about me.

As scary as that feels to type and as bad as it sounds...I assure you that we are just friends.

I like the song and here are the lyrics...

Carolina Liar "Show Me What I'm Looking For"

Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Thank you...you know who you are.

Phases

Wow...what a negative mood I have been in for the past few days. Sadly, I didn't realize it until I read what I wrote here and a few other places. Its just real hard to stay positive in this house.

Screw that...no excuses.

I decided to get out of the house yesterday. I needed a different environment. The weather cooperated (finally) and I took a walk. I didn't really get far...the end of the driveway was all. BUT the driveway is a quarter mile long.

My solitude seemed to be just what I needed.

Yeah, my head seems to be clear. Maybe now I can get back to writing the good stuff.

on letting go

Seven to ten days to find out what is wrong with my sister. I am so fucking impatient. Thanks for the prayers.

J is driving me nuts. Yes...I'm actually going to type about her. Sometimes, she gets these things in her head and can't let them go. She got real bad over Christmas and I had to cut my family trip short so I could come home and help her with it all. I wish I could explain more, but I know its too personal for her and God knows that if she ever does read this it will just make it all worse.

Its funny because I actually went to college to become a shrink. I quit my first year but that's a story you'll have to read in the archives. But with all that I did learn, I think I might know what is wrong I just don't know how to help. We've talked it out. I've answered her questions to the best of my ability on how I let it all go. I've searched books, magazines, the Internet, anything to try to find something that will help.

She does fine for a few days or a few weeks and then she's back where she started and aggravated at herself because she feel back into it all. Its a vicious circle and I'm a bit drained. But I'm not giving up.

I just wish she would let me take her to a real doctor.

So today, she is on edge. She's aggravated. She won't tell me what is wrong and keeps apologizing for snapping at me. Its the start of the circle. Next, she'll be all upset because she'll think that I think she is silly or crazy or whatever. I'll assure her that I love her and I don't think she's nuts. Then she'll cry. Finally, she'll break down and tell me when she realizes that she can't handle it by herself.

I don't get it. I don't understand. Not her but me. I don't understand why it is so easy for me to just let it all go and never think of any of it again. I don't understand why nothing triggers some little memory in my head...forcing that memory to torment me now. Why is it so easy for me and so hard for her? Maybe I'm the one that is fucked up.

I don't know. But I do know that I love her. I do know that I will always do whatever it takes to help her. And I do know that sometimes I feel guilty because I secretly wish I could wake up and find that she is the woman I fell in love with nine years ago. The one that was just as happy-go-lucky as me. I secretly wish that I could go back to the time before her mother passed. I'd pay more attention and find the exact moment where she changed and do something about it before it spiraled into all of this.

Don't get me wrong. I know she is still the same woman I fell in love with and I love her so much more than I did back then but I just really want her to be okay again.

I just want her back.

Last to know

I tell you, if it wasn't for Facebook, I wouldn't know shit about what is going on with my dad's family. Yeah, I know....aren't I his family too? I guess the fuck not. But it just goes to show how he likes to forget about his older kids.

I just found out - thanks to Facebook and my step mother posting - that my baby sister is sick and is going into the hospital tomorrow for tests. You would think my Dad or even my step mother would have called to say something. WTF!

I might not be close to step mom...we are pretty much the same age and its kind of awkward...but she knows that I love my youngest brother and sister as much as I love the rest of my siblings. She knows, or maybe she doesn't, how Dad shuts the rest of us out. She could have called.

Fuck! I'm not sure if I'm more angry at them or more scared for my sister.

Arrghh...whatever. Fuck the 'rents.

Pray for my sister, please.

From the outside in

The world outside my window is insane. Somehow, it matches the chaos that's in my head.

So much for that.

Other news...my sister wants to be a guest blogger here. I'm all for it. So when she decides she wants to write, be warned. You will laugh and you will step back and say whoa. What can I say, she is my sister.

In the meantime, here is my world...on the outside...

16th Letter. I want to remember

It has been sixteen years to the day, hour, minute, since I got the phone call that changed my life, my belief, my world forever. Sixteen years since they told me you were gone.

I miss you.

I had a few rough years. Losing you shattered my belief in God. It shattered everything I thought life was supposed to be. Sometimes I still struggle to understand why God took you from us...from me. Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish, but I loved you so much.

I'm afraid that I will forget you. I'm afraid that if I don't try so hard to see you in my memory that you will fade away. I need you in my life, though. From you is where I pull my strength and without it, without you, living would feel pointless. Please help me remember.

Remember that song I wrote about you? The one I sang to you at your grave? I don't cry anymore when I sing it but it still hurts as bad to do so. I sang it on your birthday at Grandma's on Thanksgiving by request. Aunt Pam got it on DVD and now everyone knows; She gave them all copies. Everyone knows how much I love you and miss you. I'm okay with that now, but I still won't let them see me cry.

This past week was a little tough. It felt like everything was colliding inside. I'm so far away from where they buried you. I know that is not where you really are, but when I'm there, it feels like I know you can hear me clearer. I really needed to talk to you. I really needed your advice. And I couldn't get there...so I did what I could here.

Thank you. I'm sure it was you last night...the quick cool breeze that blew the hair from in front of my eyes as I sat on the couch thinking of you. You always pushed my hair from my face. You made me smile, and that was something I hadn't done all week. I really needed that.

I know you are someplace better. I know you are where you are supposed to be. I have finally come to a truce with God and God's mysterious ways. But it doesn't stop me from missing you like mad. It doesn't stop me from loving you.

And please don't let it stop me from remembering you.

B

Time to create...me

Its true. I never lack for compliments. But sometimes, those compliments, they fuck with my confidence.

Am I really as beautiful as J says I am? Am I really the angel my mom thinks I am? Am I really the Starr my grandmother tells me I am? Do I really have all this talent? Because they say it, do I have to believe?

I don't strive for anything anymore. Sadly, I've never strived to be beautiful at all. It wasn't my thing. Unlike my mother, I didn't try to make the outside look like anything other than what it looked like when I crawled out of bed each morning. I was reckless and a mess but it didn't stop them from telling me they thought I was beautiful. And I didn't care then and really still don't, but maybe I should. Because when J says it, when Starr whispers it, when MM told me all those years ago...they really mean it. They believe it. And if I don't believe, doesn't that make them liars?

The angel of her heart she says. No matter how hard I try, I don't feel it. And I'm sure I have no halo or wings but when I tell her this, she just smiles and says that not all angels have wings but it doesn't mean you can't fly. And that Starr she sees. I wonder if she will still see her when I tell her that I'm as gay as her other two grandchildren that she says she "lost".

Everything is shot. My perception, my confidence, my belief that I am what they believe I am. I just feel so...wrong. And I'm afraid people are going to get hurt or maybe I'll just end up hurting myself. But I need to be more than just their Beautiful Talented Starr of an Angel. I think I fucked up and I think that the only way I can redeem myself is to find myself again...without looking through their eyes and words.

I might not need those wings to fly but I do have to believe I can.

Brody is back

Brody pulled through just fine.

She made me feel so awful this morning on the ride to the vet. She was shaking so bad that I swore I heard her bones chattering. And then, when they separated us in the office, she stared at me with her eyes as big as golf balls and her tail between her legs. I felt like I was the worst person in the world.

We got her home around 5:30. I didn't know whether I should have laughed or cried at her wobbly walk from the truck to the front yard. Maybe tomorrow I can laugh about it.

Right now, she is curled up on my pillow watching me carefully. I bet she thinks I'm going to leave her like I did this morning.

I am sure glad all of this is over with.

Aspen is drunk

Today, we took Aspen to get spayed.

Bright and early, we drove her to the vet. She loves to ride in the truck but it seemed she was a little nervous this morning. I guess she was feeling us already worrying. See, she has a heart murmur and, although the doc said she would be fine, J and I were still basket cases.

Yeah, we were a mess.

J went back to sleep when we got home, but I was too nervous to even try. Luckily, a friend was online and kept me talking to keep my head busy.

I held off calling to check on her for as long as I could. When I finally did call, they assured me that she was fine. Whew!

We went to pick her up around 4.

Yeah, I knew she was really fine when the very tall and very kind male assistant at the vets office came out of the recovery room shaking. With a nervous voice, he practically begged me to follow him because Aspen had decided she didn't like him any more and was growling at him. That's my girl.

She hasn't left my side since she has been home. She is all wobbly and droopy eyed. I'm sure once the pain medication wears off, she'll be pissed as hell at me. She'll probably chew up something that she knows I love and then use the bathroom on my pillow. She's is a smart ass like that.

At least she is okay. Tomorrow, her sister is going in for the same thing. Another nail biting day.

The cult behind high school basketball

A little background about J. She is a basketball player. She played from the time she could walk until she graduated high school. An injured knee her senior year stopped her from pursuing the game into college.

From what I understand, she was pretty damn good. Both of her parents have told me stories of her game playing days. I have only seen her play one-on-one games against some of our friends...and those friends are still whining about how bad they lost. So...yeah, she is good.

I've mentioned before that this is a small town. Since she signed up for Facebook, it seems she has been friended by her entire graduating class (the whole hundred or so of them) and then some. More than a few of them are the girls she used to play basketball with. Only one did she consider a close friend.

I met HH last night. We made plans to meet up with her at, what else, a basketball game between their Raiders and the next county overs Indians. Supposedly, these Indians have always been a huge Raiders rival.

I admit, I am clueless when it comes to basketball. I never gave the sport a chance until I met J and I'm still not a big fan. Hell, I'm still trying to decipher the rules. Ask me all you want about hockey or football but prepared to be confused if you ask me about basketball.

We met HH at the door of the high school. HH = blond, thin, and tall. Like 6 foot tall. J is taller than I am, too. But 5'9" is hardly 6". Needless to say, I felt like a midget. I'm 5'7" in my sneakers but I still felt little compared to them.

Small town politics in the Southern states is strange to me. I played softball for four years and our biggest fans were most likely our parents. I really do not remember any of my high school sports teams having a huge following. Here, in hick ville, Georgia...its something of a cult following for any high school sport. Yes, I said high school. And its not just any sport, its all of them.

Since HH lives in the Indians county and she is pretty involved with the county sports leagues, we had to sit on the Indians side. I was going to question this since both J and HH are Raiders alumni and I couldn't grasp the concept of supporting the other team. But before I could ask, I got my answer in the form of a crowd of very big men as we tried to make our way through the people.

"Hey, HH," one of them said. "I know you a Raider but you live here now. You sittin' on this side, right."

It wasn't a question and I knew it. I'm glad very few people know where J and I live because we would have had to sit on the Raiders side, leaving her old friend to fend for herself.

Now, I mentioned the cult following and I wasn't kidding. There were more than a few times I thought that things were going to turn violent. I completely understood the need for the ten or so police officers. By the end of the girls game, I was sure those officers were going to be needed to escort the refs from the building.

The home team Indian fans were pretty brutal but the Raiders fans came right back at them. As small as the auditorium was, the noise level rivaled the NFL playoff games. The home teams die-hards were dressed in raincoats and a few of the boys had blond wigs on. (I have no idea.) The visitors proudly wore their bright orange and blue. Some things were pretty funny, like the way the Raiders fans turned their backs on the Indian teams as they were being introduced. Or the way the Indians would chant, "Awwww....sit down."

In the last few minutes of the boys game, the ref gave the Indians a technical foul for their fans. A minute later, he ejected the raincoat wearing fans. Yeah, I'm glad I wasn't that ref. An officer escorted a few more people out and an eerie quiet fell over the auditorium. Yeah, we took it as a good idea to leave. The calm before the storm had electrical anger fueling it.

In the end, the Lady Raiders lost but not by much. The boys annihilated the Indian boys. When we left, the score was 79 to 47. I'm pretty certain that leaving early was the smart thing except for the fact that a few of the ejected fans were still outside raising hell. I think the cops handled them well.

High school sports. Who would have thought? Crazy. It could almost be compared to a Dolphins/Bills game or even a Flyers/Bruins game. This place just keeps getting more interesting every day.

Mad surf

I can't believe we missed this. What were we thinking, Starr?

Sick!

Such is life

Rainy days.

Dim light through the window from the cloud covered sun.

So quiet.

Book firm in my hands as I can't wait for the line I read next.

Aspen (big dog) is curled up beside me.

Her warmth is comforting in storms electrified field.

A small bird. Effortless glide.

It lands in the bush just outside the glass.

Its song faint but I hear it just fine.

I tilt my head because I know this tune.

I hum along with a smile and agree...

Life is good.

Set the scene...

Driving one of my roomies to his GED class in an old S-10, my brain was infiltrated by old TV show theme songs.

Me: (Humming then abruptly stopping when I realize what I'm humming.) Oh my God! I'm humming the "Mr. Ed" theme.

RS: (Laughing) hmmm...

Me: I have no idea why this shit pops in my head.

RS: (He makes some kind of grunting noise that makes me want to hurl.) hmmm...

Me: Maybe its a warning. Maybe there will be a horse in the road or something.

RS: (shrugs) Maybe. Hmmm....

Me: But if it starts talking to us, I'm pushing you out the door and saving myself.

RS: (Laughing so hard, he starts gagging and hacking.)

Me: (Thinking that he really doesn't know that I'm NOT joking.) *singing* A horse is a horse... Maybe if I sing it, it will get the hell out of my head.

RS: (grunt) hmmm...

Me: (thinking that he needs more than just a GED class. Is grunting all he can do?) *humming the theme from "Lone Ranger"* Jeez! What is with my head today. Isn't there something better than TV tunes that can get stuck in there?

RS: hmmm....

Me: (Thinking he is stuck in the caveman days when all they did was grunt.) I know what it is. This fucking headache has got my brain in some kind of retro geek-ville. I didn't even watch those damn shows. *humming another tune from another old western show* At least its not that damn "Delilah" song. I hate that fucking song.

RS: Oh, that "Hey there Delilah" song?

Me: (Oh shit! He knows a few words. Paranoid that he speaks, I search the upcoming roads for a talking horse.) Uh huh.

Now guess what is stuck in my head....hmph.

Ut oh...

I have one of those crippling migraines today. The kind where little movements, sudden light changes, and whispering noises are excruciating. Yeah, one of those. I hate them because it makes me feel like my brain is mush. It makes me feel like my head is caving. Arrgh.

In the news...I just found out that my ex sister-in-law has moved into my neighborhood. Actually, she is just a few streets away. I'm torn over this. I really like her but I know what her loyalty to her brother is and a little part of me feels like I can't just hang out with her and be myself because she will be reporting my every move back to him.

No, I'm not just being paranoid. My ex is my stalker. Truthfully. Stupidly on my part, when he friended me on facebook, I accepted. Big mistake. He is now friends with every friend I have on there...even the ones he doesn't know or claimed to have hated when he knew them. My friend KC is a good example of this. (Why the hell did you accept, KC?)

He has been my shadow since our divorce over 9 years ago. Somehow, he has known everything I've done right when I was doing it. My guess is that he questions my family. I know my mom wouldn't breathe a word to him (even though she feels he is some kind of bodyguard for me) but I know my brother would tell him whatever he wanted to know.

The ex is always in my business. Always. And all my attempts to shut him out have failed. It pisses J off but she knows that it is none of my doing. Hell, it pisses me off too. It will be worse if his sister is right down the road from me. Not only will he be able to ask her what I've been up to (very small town, remember) but this also means he will be visiting. He's not a person I want in my neighborhood. Although he tries to pretend otherwise, I know that he still holds a grudge against J. I don't feel safe knowing that he could be lurking around watching me. He used to lurk around my house when I lived in Florida. Yeah, its freaky when you see your ex driving down your street in the middle of the night with no lights on and your outside walking the dog.

J is not tough and he is triple her size anyway. After 12 years and some pretty physical fights with him, I'm sure I could hold my own for a little while. (I know his weak spots.) But one punch from him and J would be broken. (Some butch I've got, huh.)

I guess I will just have to wait and see how it all plays out. I'll talk with his sister and if I feel she is going to be a problem, I will do my best to stay clear of her.

Now I have to talk to J and tell her what is going on. Not fun.

Happening

I started really editing today. Its one of the first books I wrote a few years ago. I figured that I would start with my oldest stories and work my way forward. It turns out that it is a great idea because the story isn't so fresh in my head and its like I'm reading for the first time. Kind of. I suck at explaining things sometimes.

I remember the characters and I know what happens but figuring out how I got to that point is a bit fuzzy. And that fuzziness is just what I need to get a fresh look at the entire story.

J and I have been looking for a vehicle. I think she is pretty much set on getting a Tahoe. Me, well...I would rather have something more fuel efficient. I loved my '07 Civic and wouldn't mind having another one. But she loved my '03 Tahoe more.

J is kind of...hmm....strange I guess. I understand her concerns on safety when it comes to cars but she seems to take it to another level. (I have so lost the argument about getting a motorcycle. She would rather me get a dirt bike.) For instance, she once was told that Jeeps flip easy. Since the person didn't specify which Jeep they were talking about, she honestly believes that it is all Jeeps. I tried to explain that it was the early versions of the Wrangler, but she won't hear it. So the really nice Cherokee Sport that I found is out of the question.

There were several cars that I found. Like a nice Pontiac G6 with very low miles and a decent price. She wouldn't even look twice at it. Instead, she shows me these Tahoe's and Yukon's with over a hundred thousand miles that are more expensive than the newer cars with lower miles that will be much cheaper on gas.

She's driving me nuts with it all. Today I told her that if she was interested in a gas guzzler, then I might as well go back to my '09 Chevy 3500 Silverado Dually. Out of all the vehicles I have ever owned (excluding my '71 Cutlass), that one was my favorite. I should have kept that thing instead of selling it with the business.

Maybe I will just sneak off and buy that damn GSXR I saw in the paper and just let her buy whatever the hell she wants. Except, I know if she buys a piece of shit, it will be me that is out there working on it (I used to build race cars and such) and I'd rather not get grease under my nails anymore. I left that part of my life down there in Florida.

torn

We have these friends. Straight friends. They are pretty fun to hang out with most of the time. Well, all of the time as long as they are not fighting. They are both short little shits...he maybe hits 5'3" and she is about 5'1". They make a really cute couple.

She is funny. Its hard to catch her without a huge smile on her face. And she is sweet, in an innocent kind of way. But from experience I know...she's not so innocent.

He tries to be funny. He breaks through every once in a while but not often. He is a little too much of a know-it-all and him and I clash sometimes. But it never gets out of hand. We are just opposites really. I love the Dolphins...he's a Bills fan. Rivals in the biggest way. Its usually just little stuff like that.

Thing is...he is a Pisces. I'm Sagittarius. There are only a select few...a very select few...Pisces that I actually get along with. (I was with one for 12 years and hated almost every minute of it.) I'm pretty sure thats why we clash so much.

There is one thing that bothers me about him that could very well get out of hand. He is a cheater. Its more than obvious to the outsiders in their relationship. There have been occasions where we have seen him around town with other girls.

For some reason, he seems to think that I'm one of his buds. He seems to talk to me much more than he ever has talked with J. And when he talks, he talks too much. Tonight, we were talking about movie directors (clashing) and out of the blue he started talking about how he and some of his guy friends were calling escorts. And why do I need to know this?

We spotted him one day in the next city over with some girl in his car. He was going one way and we were going the other. He knew we saw him because he waved at us. Later that night, he called and asked if it was us that he seen saying that he was giving his "boss" a ride to work. Bullshit. Once we were riding in his car and the windows fogged up a bit as we were driving. I noticed writing on the window. It said, "Love you, Bob. Love Estell." Stupidly, I pointed it out to him and he made some bullshit story up about how the girl must have ridden in the car before he bought it but couldn't explain his name. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let his girlfriend find it.

I'm not a cheater. I have never cheated on anyone I have ever been with. Its just not my thing. As much as I hate knowing that he is cheating on his girlfriend, I really don't think its my place to say anything. I mean, they have been together for a few years and for all I know, she cheats too. I really don't think so but if she does, she is damn good at hiding it. This town is real small. Its hard to sneeze without everyone knowing.

Anyway. I was wondering, tonight, if he tells me these things to see if I run off and tell his girl. Or maybe he tells me these things to try to cover his ass or something because he always makes it sound like its just his friends doing it and he just watches. One thing that really bothered me about tonight was the way he was talking about this escort. He had that blank look in his eyes like he was picturing what he was saying...how, "she was so damn hot. I'd be more than happy to pay $200 an hour for that. The things I would do..."

I was more than a little disgusted. But I still don't know if I should be telling his girlfriend what a scumbag he is or not. (God knows I really want to.)

So yeah...that was my night...hmph.

New toy!

I did it! I convinced J to take me to the Apple store and I'm now the proud owner of an iMac.

And so far so good. I am making the transition pretty smoothly. Although, it did take me about thirty minutes to figure out how to eject a damn CD. Not funny.

Some of the really cool features: Garage Band. I haven't used it yet but from what I understand, J and I will be able to hook up our instruments and mics directly to the computer and mix/record it all. From there we can put it up on iTunes for sale. Sweet, huh.

Photo Booth is pretty cool. At the moment, my desktop is covered with the silly ass pictures we made with it. No...I'm not sharing.

I got iWorks too. Unless the sales guy lied, I should be able to download all of the books I have written and be able to edit them even though they were written in Word. And J made me promise to edit at least one of them and submit it for publishing within 30 days. (That was how I got her to drive me to the place to get this thing.)

As far as the other features...well, I'm still playing with thing. So far...I love it.

Snow slide

Another day down, another day without my comp. Hmph. J...hint, hint.

Good news is...its warming up a little. Key words: a little. It won't last long though.



It has been too cold to stay outside for too long but it did snow a little. And, well, I can't resist the snow. A few years ago, my grandmother gave me this disk thing called a torpedo. She had bought it for us adrenaline junkies (me and my cousins) so we could slide down the mountain behind her house when it snowed. When she moved, it became mine.





As soon as the snow covered enough of the ground, I was out there. It was dark and of course J was panicking. I didn't torture her for too long but first light, I was out there again. I couldn't resist the driveway.


Believe it or not, I actually got J to give it a try. I don't care what she says, I know she had as much fun as I did. And guess what...no broken bones and no stitches were necessary. There were a few bruises though but they were totally worth it.

I think I'm going to try to subliminally convince J that she needs to take me to Atlanta tomorrow. Wish me luck!

This means war

My time on the computer has been limited. Thanks to my wonderful, loving girlfriend. Yes...I blame her for my lack of posts.

See, I have been wanting to upgrade my computer. Honestly, I'm tired of Microsoft and Windows and all that. I have decided to switch to Mac. J and I talked it over and agreed it was the right thing to do for what I had in mind for it. I know that sounds cryptic but its the way it will have to stay.

So we agreed. And I gave my old computer away. Yes...it is gone since Christmas and I still don't have my Mac. Why? you ask. Because J is the biggest and worst procrastinator.

It actually drives me nuts. She is like this with everything and honestly, it is starting to piss me off. And what is worse...I can't tell her that its pissing me off. Because, really, I don't do pissed...EVER! If I told her she was actually making me mad she would most likely laugh, thinking that I was telling her a joke. I can see these things and I know her well.

And here I am at 10:30 at night, finally getting my time on the computer.

And I am pissed!

Seeing red in the white

The world around me slowly turned to white. She loves the snow as much as I do. And her eyes...the brightest blue...when she smiles took my breath away. Again.

I have to apologize. I hardly ever get angry. Maybe that is a mistake on my part. But today, all the pent up anger I have toward them simmered dangerously in my eyes, in my movements, and just on the tip of my tongue. She knew. She saw it, read it, felt it. Even through my denials.

"I've never seen you like this," she says. And I knew that it was no use trying to control it any longer.
I spoke the truth of my hate and watched as she shook and the sadness took over her eyes. But then she smiled and whispered, "I love you."

Words to live by. Words I live by.

Actions make words

I don't remember when the movie came out but I do remember watching the first time cuddled up with J on the couch. The movie is "P.S. I Love You."

As sad as the movie is, it is still a great love story.

This morning, J and I watched it again. This time we weren't cuddled up but we were at least in the same room.

So it gave me an idea.

I don't have to be dying to be that romantic. And why wait until one of our lives is knowingly ending to show each other that kind of love.

Yes. I have a plan. And I think we might need passports.
I think J might have been right. This will be the best year of our lives so far.

P.S. This is going to be so hard. J doesn't care too much for spontaneous anything.
P. S. S. Well, she's just going to have to learn to love it! We only live this life once.

(As I solidify the details, I put them in here. But none of you...that means you CLC...can breathe a word of it to her.)

2009 in retro

Looking back at 2009 for the last time...what I learned and what I realized:

No matter how hard you try to hide, the people that love you most will always find you.
And those people are the only ones that matter.
The quiet life living in the country isn't as bad as I once thought. It took me all year to realize this.
My year of NO work proved to be rather productive...creatively. I've renewed my love of drawing and music and planted a solid foot in the writing world.
I learned how to beat my insomnia. It cannot exist if I don't believe in it.
I realized that an organized work space leads to an organized mind.

I noticed that this list is much shorter than 2008's list. I'm still not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I do know that I love living worry free. Not having a business to run, no deadlines, no fuel bill, no more phones ringing 24 hours a day, no dealing with traffic...its absolutely amazing. I honestly physically feel lighter.
I know that I hate fast food. I have no idea how I lived on it for so long. Just say no to McDonalds!

Most of all, I feel like I love life again. I'm looking forward to a great year. To quote J, "This will be the best year of our lives yet!"
I believe.

Back on the air

*Bang, bang, bang*

Is this thing on?

Oh!

Hey, remember me? I hope so.

Its a new year and a new chapter in the adventure some call life. I'm back in town and back on the air and will be back to posting on a regular basis as soon as I can get my lazy ass in gear.

In fun news...I had my first white Christmas. And what better way to experience it than with family (although my Mom almost drove me nuts. Thank you Lil White Pills for keeping my head intact.).

J met us half way and brought me back home and then it snowed here! Me being the junkie I am dug out the torpedo disk and slid down the mountain in the dark. Fucking fun! Except J was freaking out yelling, "That's far/fast enough. Roll! Roll!"
She really doesn't like it when I do dangerous things.

So as one of New Years Resolutions, I figured I could try to stress her out a little less and keep my daredevil stunts to a minimum. But I can't stop completely and luckily, she understands this.

Well...soon to be back to your regularly scheduled program on the Life Of Times network!
Until then...